Friend Of Mine Has A Problem.

[Noname]

Hi, I know a someone, He is a nice guy, has a lot going for him (I've heard), good looking, worked his ares off to get his car at 18 and is still a virgin and spends all his time thinking of his little sad life all his free time in his parents house bedroom. Oh and he is now 19.

Yeah it's bit sad, he has ZERO confidence. He doesn't even think it's possible for him to talk to a girl or find friends. He won't even try, the thought of it makes him go red and sweaty face. And his so conscious of his body reaction it's a fucking hell.

This guy he lived a normal quite naughty life at 9, then he moved to England and it was bit hard for him there without the language. Yeah he felt a little bit left out, always kept to himself, at one point he couldn't take the embarrassing feeling of hanging on his own in school he spent all his lunch breaks eating in the schools toilet.

He feels really awkward now around people, he feels lost and that there isn't a personality in him any more. He doesn't know how to be himself around people. And that's all his life situation. He got into this deep depression now and Nothing makes him stop thinking even a for a second about something else over than wtf is his issue.

Soo how do I help this friend of mine?

He also mentioned he has masturbated daily for 7 years, smokes cigarettes and has is few months in recovery from ampehtamines addiction. (He said speed helped him find himself and be him).  How much would it help him to quit all this ?

And basically how do I help this friend ?

Edited July 13, 2017 by Noname

[Noname]

I'm like he's only friend but I don't like him and he makes me feel embarrassed when I see how insecure he is.

[Noname]

@jimrich  he's been seeing counsellors for a while now, but said they are not able to help him. They keep asking him what's he's problem but he himself is not sure. They're useless.

And he can't really afford to see a professional.

Shit  

[egoeimai]

Tell him to take b12 supplements for depression . It's my best advice that works. 

 

[Michael569]

Does he recognise that he has a problem in his live? If not, you cannot help him. 

Don't try to help someone who doesn't want to change. Sometimes you need to give time for a person to wake the fuck up. 

[Socrates]

@Noname Sorry to say that it but is not your job to help him. You follow your path and you can't afford babysitting everyone around you. You keep growing and either the people around you grow with you or you outgrow them and become a burden. Speaking from experience you are postponing your growth with the alibi of "helping a friend". If he is really close to you, straight up talk to him and be honest, harsh and tell him how the stuff goes. If he doesn't change move on or you are going to lose from the situation.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Socrates

[Noname]

Yes he does recognise this problem, he really wants help. He has been trying to get out Tod that for last couple of years. 

And I just don't know what advice to give him, I will let him know about the vitamins and to let go of all the addictions do some excercise but will that be enough? He doesn't believe in god. He wants help and I want to help him 

[Ryan_047]

@Noname First of all,I am not a psychologist or something like that,I have my own emotional problems and unmet needs but..I guess I can help.Please note that the following things I'm going to write are just my deductions and what I think can help him.

Have you tried introducing him to self-development?He's got a ton of addictions,meditation could really help him or other videos from his channel.If you decide to convince him to meditate,tell him to do the "Do nothing" technique.It's really good for depressed people,I know from my own experience.

Masturbation eh?Even though I don't fully agree with what I'm about to say,I highly believe that this could help your friend alot.Tell him to research NoFap.It's a community that encourages dissolving the masturbation habit.I've read alot of stories about depressed and anxious people like him getting their lives back by simply abstaining from masturbation and especially porn.I'm pretty sure he's watching porn,and porn completely fucks up your brain.So yeah,I guess this could be a step in the right direction.Why I don't fully agree you might ask yourself..well,I don't think that normal people should do NoFap(normal meaning non-porn addicted)..I think they should masturbate only when they feel like they want to(side note:masturbating to escape problems is good in the short run,but harmful in the long run).Nevertheless,he's a porn and masturbation addict,he's got to stop that.When you masturbate and watch porn dopamine stops being produced by your brain and therefore,you experience low motivation,low sex drive and that could lead to depression and anxiety.Oh yeah,and the anxiety of talking to girls is 100% because of porn.

Sounds like he had got problems even growing up..From what you have wrote above it seems like he didn't had any confidence even when he was a little kid,did he?Maybe his problems did not start now..they might have started when he was just a child.I mean that he might have experienced a lot of traumas growing up and felt a lack of love/support/acceptance.Sounds like he doesn't even understands his own problems.I highly suggest watching Teal Swan.She's got many good videos that will help him understand his root causes of his illness,his unmet needs,his suffering etc.

He's in a major depression now..the number one thing that he needs(and also any depressed person needs) is constant support and love..I say again..support and love.This is the first thing he needs before moving on to resolving his problems.If he just gets the advice first,sure he'll try to do these techniques..but he'll fail a lot,which is normal.But depressed people will get more depressed and frustrated because of that..I even got so frustrated that I wanted to commit suicide.Support from other people will prevent that.What people?Anybody..as much people as possible.Also..ask him when was the last time he cried..If he can't remember or the last time he cried was a long time ago(years) there is a problem..And..tell him not to drop his counselors.Yeah,they might not be such good counselors but he needs to talk about his emotions,problems and traumas as much as he can whether is a counselor or a friend/parent.

I understand your friend because I was depressed too for a long time and had difficult times..I am healing from it slowly..and I can assure you that these things above helped me.The only thing I need now is love and support which I am afraid to death to seek,but that's another story.Hopefully this helped.

[5driedgrams]

I really liked @Ryan_047 's advice! Get him into/ suggest self development! Ryan is probably right that these issues started at that impressionable time in everyone's life called childhood/adolescence. Ryan I'm glad to hear youre on the mend! I'm sending love and support your way.

Here's my thoughts (whatever they may be worth)

His thoughts create his actions (or lack of action) which in turn creates his circumstances. If he really wants (to) help (himself) try to get him into personal development! He is the maker and molder of his life! I believe that once he starts on the path of good habits (exercise and positive affirmations and goal-setting and goal-reaching) his confidence will boost and the girls will flock to him! He will glow! But it has to be authentic. There has to be love within before he can find or see love without. Exercise really boosted my confidence.... seeing myself progress... making goals and reaching/exceeding them. If he gives love and kindness to his mind and body that love and kindness will come back to him. If he puts it out, it will come back in. 

and Ryan I'm going to keep your advice on masturbation in mind. I am a sex/masturbation/porn addict and it really is fucking up my life. I don't think i've ever openly admitted that, but it feels good to. Gotta acknowledge it before i can correct it. 

Best of luck to your friend@Noname and best of luck to you too! Take Socrates advice and be frank and honest with him, and don't try to help him more than he tries to help himself! You can't want it for him! 

[Toby]

Is this "friend" you or why are you so involved in his story?

[Noname]

@Ryan_047 @5driedgrams @Toby  Yes it is me, I was afraid of being called a loser and wanted to get it out in 3rd person. I'm a bit drunk now so can admit. But honestly I hate myself and my life. I don't know what I did to get to where I am. I don't know how to help myself. What hurts me the most is all this potential that I aperently have and still I have trouble going to s supermarket let alone doing anything social. 

I will quit all these stupid addictions/quick fixes, will life than just happen to me? Will I have the courage to live? I am desperate for help, I have seen malt teal swan videos but they are soo confusing, I feel like I don't feel like anything, I used to be able to cry about how shitty my life is/was but I can't do it anymore, i Just can't cry i judge mysf to much. Crying used to feel so good to me, soo real.

thank you for all the replies 

[Ryan_047]

@Noname First thing's first..Force yourself.And by that I don't mean getting drunk every time you need to talk about your problems or confessing something(I know it's way easier).There is no need to worry here on Actualized.org.We are here to help you,not judge you.And if somebody is judging you it's because they have a problem.It's not you they judge,it's actually them.

You are listing more and more symptoms of severe depression..fear of judgment,anxiety,self hate,emotional numbness.I know it sucks,it sucks really bad.Honestly,I don't know how to help you overcome your fear of judgement,but just bear it.You only have to write your problems on the computer,put it that way.It's a big step forward that you came here for help.

I heard self-love can help,you might try it out.I haven't done it for myself,but I guess it would help me as well.

One "trick" I used when I was extremely depressed and wanted to kill myself was this:Think of someone you love(even though you might not feel the love because depression sucks your emotions like a black hole..if that's the case,choose someone you know you love even though you don't feel) and just fight for them.That person(or those persons) might have done sacrifices for you or just simple things..When you are depressed you might not feel like you matter anymore(this was my case,maybe yours is different).If you can't find anybody you love,think of the future.What if in the future you might change the life of a girl into good?What if she would love you like you would be the last man on Earth?Or what if you get a meaningful job(even you don't know what job would be right now) and through it you will be able to help thousands  of people?Things like this will keep your fighting spirit alive.