Down (but Not Out) In Bangkok

[Guest]

I have been thinking of setting up a blog site for this purpose but this forum is the ideal place for a journal.

I read the guidelines, but I was thinking about doing this: adding my goals for a period (a week or so) and then seeing how many I meet and how many I don't meet, and the reason(s) for my success or failure.

Would any of the admins let me know if this is OK, or is it too much like a diary?

BKK-J 

Edited February 25, 2016 by BKK-J

[Guest]

Your personal journal is up to you, just give it a nice title  You can keep track of your goals, or you can use it as a diary, or both at the same time. Really write about whatever you want. (well maybe not some sick extreme stuff)

[Guest]

No extreme sick stuff then... excellent.

[Guest]

OK - here goes...

Background

I am 54 years old – a lot older than most on this forum – and I live in Bangkok, Thailand and have done so for around 30 years. I am not entirely sure how long it has been.

I am married here to a local and I have a son who is at university and who I have to support. I also have a daughter who married a rich westerner. She lives in Bangkok too but she actively avoids any involvement with her family.

When I first arrived in Thailand like many I got involved in teaching English, but unlike most I took to it well. I got qualified and worked for some leading educational organisations and brought in a decent salary by local terms.

It really can be hard when you are locked into the local economy but I managed to keep on top of things, and even set up a business in the travel industry. Although it wasn’t mega-successful, it brought in enough for us not to have to worry too much about money.

Around 4 years ago I lost the business because of a natural disaster - you might remember the flooding reported in the international press. Although I sold the business and got a fair price for it, without the income it generated things fell apart very quickly. This really wasn’t helped by the fact that I fell into depression, something that had been coming slowly for a number of years.

Although I never went to a doctor to get myself properly assessed, there has been a history of mental illness in my family and I know what depression is. I also studied psychology at graduate level. In fact, I actively avoided going to a doctor because in the West they throw drugs at a problem and doctors in Thailand are renowned for giving tablets out like they are bags of M&Ms.

Although I tried to fight it, I basically slept for a year, and although I was suicidal, I was able to recognize the urges as being the result of a disturbed mind and was able to deal with it (just about - I did find at one stage I had bought some cord but couldn't remember doing it).

During this stage I smoked cigarettes incessantly, and ultimately I was diagnosed with acute asthma after a spell in hospital. Despite all of this, somehow I managed to keep a part-time teaching job going, and again, while it might seem strange, I honestly can’t remember how I did it.

The current situation

Fast forward to today. I no longer have health insurance and rely on the local health service (which I have to say, is pretty good - they dealt with my Asthma very well). My wife is only the local scheme as well, so is my son. The worse thing is that I was not able to maintain my life insurance so when I die, my family gets nothing.

The part-time job I had during my illness is now a full-time job, but on zero’ hours terms, meaning I get paid when I work, but if there is no work, I don’t get paid. Generally it gives us enough to live on an for me to support my son, but nothing more, and there have been times of no work and literally not being able to eat. To avoid happening again I had to take on a multitude of writing jobs, so now there are very few days when I don’t have something to do, and if I fall behind because I get sick (this happens quite often because of my Asthma) then we don’t have enough to cover everything.

So I can hear everyone saying get another job, and believe me I am on the look out, but there is an added layer of insecurity here – I have to maintain a work permit and visa to stay in the country and support my family. Many jobs provide a better income, but not the legal support.

Although I am thankful the job itself is not much about education but generating money. I won’t bore you with the details except to say the students I deal with generally have little chance of achieving their educational goals and this is recognized by the organisation I am working for – their revenue model is based on people’s failure and not their success. I am helping them to do this and  because of my background I actually bring students in for them.

As a seasoned teacher who was always taught to deliver quality, the feeling I have working in this position may be something akin to how a 'Mob Doctor' might feel. In one instance the owner of the school I work for entirely rewrote my CV adding qualifications I do not have. He submitted it to a company to try to win a contract. When I approached him about the ethics of what he had done he just gave me a ‘choice is yours’-type gesture. But it at least provides one level of security that I need - the legal type.

The future

As you can imagine, we have very little. At home I really dress in rags and it’s 4 years since we bought any real clothes. What’s worse than the relative poverty that is the lack of choice. Leo talks of authentic self, but imagine living in a situation where your survival depended entirely on you burying your authentic self in its entirety.

That’s where I am right now.

I am actually proud of myself for overcoming my depression under the circumstances I was in, and I congratulate myself on being a survivor, because that’s what I am - a survivor.

But at the same time, for me, the opposite of 'success' is not 'failure', but 'survivor'.

I want to succeed.

I don’t want to be down at heel.

I want to be something close to who I am, not who others profit from me being.

I want my company back. I want the security and freedom I had with that company back.

How am I going to get that? This is what I have yet to figure out.

It’s been 3 years now of trying to figure it out and this is my final effort. I am putting everything on this forum, so pass or fail, this is the final push, and its public.

What needs to be done

I am fully engaged on a daily basis workwise, but I realize that I to achieve what I want to achieve I will have to transition to a new situation. Like Leo said in one of his videos, I will have to work in the evening and do even more than I normally do.

It’s been three years trying to do this to date.

I get weak because of my health and despondent because of my situation, and ultimately I find myself in a loop where effort and positivity slowly dilute towards lack of motivation and acceptance of my fate.

What I am working towards is a linear transition of sustained effort that culminates in my goals completed.

How am I going to do this?

Using this forum as a tool I will set myself goals to achieve. If I achieve them, I will write why I achieved them. Likewise for failure. Hopefully patterns will emerge that will give me insights that will help me on this journey. 

I want to change my patterns and get out of the loops and vicious cycles I am in. For instance my weight regularly osculates between 242.5 pounds 264.5 pounds - I always arrive where I started.

And that has to stop - and it will. When I figure out how. 

Watch this space!

Edited February 21, 2016 by BKK-J

[Guest]

 

I have got to get back on top of things, that means my health, my work and my finances.

To do this I am going to reintroduce one former behaviour per week so I don't get overwhelmed.

The first thing this week I am going to reintroduce my morning routine. 

This includes:
- waking up at 5.45
- getting up at 6.
- sorting out food for the pets
- taking the dog for a walk, light exercise and stretching for 1 hour 
- eating healthy breakfast 
- meditating for 16-21 minutes 
- getting to work ON TIME by PUBLIC TRANSPORT - although taxis are cheap relative to my income they are too expensive. 

Yesterday and today (Tuesday 22 February) I got up too late to fit everything in and ended up getting a taxi AND being late. 

BKK-J

Edited February 23, 2016 by BKK-J

[John]

Hey, this seems really cool man. Just wanted to send some support from a fellow survivor!

Have you ever tried meditating? You have probably read about it somewhere on this forum already or from Leo.

I would recommend John Kabat Zinn's Mindfulness meditation CD to start with. Specifically the body scan meditation (this is only my experience, if you can find another resource cheaper or free, by all means do).

It might help you to see when those negative loops start to bring you back down again and give you a chance to fight back against them.

All the best to you brother!

[Guest]

John

"Hey, this seems really cool man. Just wanted to send some support from a fellow survivor!"

Thanks for your support - appreciated... 

I will check out the CD your recommended, but I have been using a UK website called Headspace.com. What I like about it is that they offer real meditation courses - 10-30 days long - with full guidance. I have found it incredibly helpful for getting me out of my depression. My subscription ran out and I got out of the habit - but I WILL get back into daily meditation. 

Best to you too!

BKK-J

Edited February 23, 2016 by BKK-J

[Psychonaut]

Nice to see that there are some people from Bangkok on this forum! I'll be going there next week for a few months. I have never been poor moneywise and can't really imagine how it might feel. But I am looking forward to reading your journal.

[Guest]

We are not poor in relative terms but just making it... It's not a great feeling.

You can but me a coffee when you get here 

BKK-J

[Psychonaut]

Do you know of any public swimming pools in North Bangkok? I really want to start swimming again every day . Or anything else I could do for sport. I heard Thai Boxing is big thing there. 

[Guest]

I don't know of Any public swimming pools in Bangkok, but there may be 1 or 2. If you are interested in Thai language boxing these places are well suited to deal with foreigners:

https://m.facebook.com/JittiGym/
http://www.fairtexbangplee.com/

A couple of days at either place and you will definitely feel your self developed

[Guest]

One thing is for sure. . . I realise today that without walking and meditation in the morning, I really don't feel human for the rest of the day ?

[Guest]

Kilos - x by 2.2 for pounds... Not good, right!

[Psychonaut]

On 25.2.2016 at 9:38 AM, BKK-J said:

Kilos - x by 2.2 for pounds... Not good, right!

It's still okay if you are like 2.2 meters XD. But if not you are seriously overweight.

The red lights in my head started to flash when I went over 105kg and I had to change something. I radically changed my diet about 6 weeks ago. Now I'm under 100 again. I couldnt believe how much of a difference it makes. If you eat shit you become shit and feel like shit.