Can Someone Help Me Get Out Of My Head? And Not Out Of My Relationship.

[Black Flag]

Hello,

I need some help and I'm looking for support. 

I'm quite sad right now but I feel like I have no right to be sad. We've just moved house out of town into the countryside. We have land and a relatively large house with sea views. My dad is "successful" if you base success off his salary. My mum stays at home and occasionally works as a supply teacher if asked. This is how I feel: I feel that I have no excuses to do well. I've had one of the best starts to life materialistically than the majority of people I know. I go to university and do average at my Engineering degree. I feel like I have a lot to give back to life but here is the problem. I don't see myself doing anything productive or useful. I feel useless and I feel like I'm not living up to my own (and Dad's) expectations. My worth is being challenged. I feel worthless. I do my best yet it is not good enough considering the head start I've had.  

So yes, there is that.

Now more to the crux of the problem. This is what I really want to solve (get rid of). 

My girlfriend and I are coming up to 10 months together. I feel the honey moon period is ending. Throughout the whole time we've been together we had seen each other every day without fail. We were at university and there were two week periods in holiday time where we didn't see each other but we were talking frequently. Now university ends. She has graduated. I have another year left. When university finished I went on a two week retreat. I didn't use my phone and she didn't come with me. There were maybe three times in that two weeks where we exchanged a few messages but much less than normal. I come home and she comes to visit me in the new family house. I remember feeling at the time very emotionally attached. We talked of grand things of our future together.  She then goes home and starts her job. She's working at a boarding school and is very busy. This is where it starts. She barely messages me now. Our conversations are broken and uninteresting. They are the same every day. I ask her how her day goes then she responds how it was but there are never questions from her asking me how I am. It is always me initiating the conversations. 

This is a point even greater in my life. I hate it how I always have to tell people and reach out when I'm sad. I have to ask them to ask me how I'm doing. I always have to tell someone. No one asks me how I'm doing. They ask me how I'm DO-ing not what I'm BE-ing. I'm sad right now. I feel there is no support for me.

I think I'm getting caught up in my head but I don't know how to get out. There is absolutely nothing to suggest (rationally) that anything about the relationship is going wrong yet why do I feel this way. There must be some underlying insecurity in me that I'm not seeing. 

I feel sour because I don't want to be needy yet I am exhibiting that behavior right now. I feel like I'm pestering her and I feel like a burden to her. I just sit here... waiting for her messages that never come...

I think I know what I need to do, I need to tell her how I feel. I need to be brutally honest and receive what ever I hear with kindness. It's hard to contact her at the moment though. 

I feel typing this out has actually beneficial but I still feel the same way. So dear Actualized psychoanalysists. What is going on with my mind?  

Edited July 11, 2017 by Black Flag
Typo

[ajasatya]

@Black Flag you're experiencing spiritual poverty. your sources of happiness are doomed to give you frustration.

you still depend on external approval. you depend on the acceptance of your parents and you depend on your intimate relationship. you want to fulfill external expectations that you accepted as being yours.

you may find true happiness on the attainment of a peaceful of mind, which does not depend on those external factors. it takes a lot of practice and patience.

try improving your eating habits. try yoga classes. try joining a zen sangha. do something different because the outcome won't change if you keep living day after day being ruled by the same destructive patterns. change completely. let the old you die.

 

Edited July 11, 2017 by ajasatya

[Black Flag]

@ajasatya Thanks for the time and effort put into your response. I feel this stuff is so easy to say... so much harder to live and put into practice. For me at least. "Let the old you die"... quite hard to do. 

@jimrich Wow. I didn't expect this much of a breakdown of my post. What you say seems to make sense to me and it all fits together. And congrats on your recovery.  

Both responses are really appreciated! Thank you so much!

I have a couple of follow up questions... with more background...

So I've been practicing meditation daily for two years now. This involves mindfulness of breathing and loving-kindness meditations sprinkled with Leo's self-inquiry and do nothing techniques. I'm also friends with many people of the Buddhist Sangha in the city of my university and I have a good social circle. I also consider myself as a strong character, mentally (most of the time) and physically (in my sport). I've worked hard on myself, becoming more confident and practicing more extroversion in my life. 

My point is... I feel strong as a person but I have these moments to days where I relapse into dark pits of despair. Why do I relapse? 

Also, @jimrich has pointed out how this could've happened, how can I use this information for healing?  

More of a problem is that I can't envision myself being any different way. I can't see what a life of mine would look like without this. How would I think and how would I act. How can I overcome this problem?