Self Evolution Journal

[Vladimir]

The new system for change, self actualization, global awakening and many other sub systems is starting to evolve for me. The spiral dynamics and the different stages of psyche human beings go through on a personal and collective level, reinforced the big picture and made more pieces of the puzzle come together. This is why Leo has been harping on reading a lot and learning a lot of theory, because it really gives you a better, big picture understanding of reality, human development and where the evolution is taking us. The biggest insight I got yesterday was that I finally came to a conclusion that I'm going to dedicate my life to pursuing self actualization, developing the talents and skills, and delivering the most powerful messages to the world about evolution of consciousness, so that humanity evolves to yellow level and eventually torquiose - the global awakening, which should happen by the year 2020 according to the lady at Lucidity. 

I now have the most noble system goal - help humanity awaken, evolve to the next level of consciousness which will save our world. I have to watch out for ego's sneaky ways of getting in the way of this path. If I was going to die in 30 days from now, I would continue living the life the way I am right now, I wouldn't seek out pleasure, try to fall in love, experience the world by traveling, pampering myself or doing any other egoic activities. I would continue learning about myself, studying Systems Thinking, practicing Unlimited Memory, working on improving countless sub systems of psyche and figuring out how to change and developing the talents and skills which are inbred in me. Why? Because the goal of this path, by realizing my full potential, by gaining theory and knowledge about the world, by pursuing enlightment, I will become a role model for others "become the change you want to see" ~Ghandi. I will lead humanity, along with other great thinkers and creators of our time like Leo to the global awakening. This is no longer an egoic goal of becoming popular, showing off, proving or competing. This is far beyond those petty egoic goals I have set for myself before. 

Actually, the fact that it's not egoic works even better, by setting the goal of helping everyone else awaken and for the world to see the light, in the process, I'm actually making my own life as amazing as it possibly be - by working on self development, re-descovering dormant talents, functioning at peak potential, working on creativity, memory, reading, learning, redesigning own's operating system and studying self for lasting change, sharing these ideas with others, journaling, contemlating, meditating, writing, helping people, working together to save humanity and the planet, there is no life better lived than this!

This gives me unlimited courage to face any obstacle and fear along the way. I have unquestionable faith, there is no more doubt that the path I'm on is the right one.

[Vladimir]

Visited a placed called "Cloud Temple" yesterday and met with a spiritual teacher named Rob and his much younger wife named Lisa. The place took place in a multi million dollar mansion on top of the mountain with gorgeous views and castle-like interior boasting enormous windows to behold the mountains and nature sight-seeing everywhere from the inside. Rob turned out to be an entrepreneur, a very rich guy. I'm a full blown empath and have the ability to immediately tell if the person I'm meeting has embodied what they're preaching, as the discussion proceeded, my intuition and first impression about what Rob is like, turned out to be correct. The guy is obese, unhealthy, boring to listen to, goes off on a tangent, dogmatic, arrogant, and feels privileged because of his "social status". I don't see any reason why his wife, who is in her 30's would be with him for any reason other than his wealth. 

He seemed knowledgeable, claimed to have achieved enlightenment multiple times, claimed he is able to "help others wake up" by verbally communicating something to them. When I asked the question if a person who doesn't meditate could become enlightened with his guidance he evaded the question for about 10 minutes, going off on a tangent and trying to explain some other ideas that weren't relevant to my question. Finally, after I persisted for a while, gave in and said that "it could be possible". At this point I was further confused because my idea of enlightenment was "thousands of hours of meditation" according to Leo, and here was a spiritual, enlightened teacher, claiming he could "wake anybody up" even if the person hasn't meditate in their entire life! At this point I started being more skeptical about him and further conversation and his claims deepened my skepticism. He proceed talking about his stories and just ranting on and on about where he's been, his experiences, traveling, which was all very boring to listen to and I felt like it wasn't a productive use of time. He also claimed to have psychic powers and told a story of how he predicted in precise detail of what exactly was going to happen to a woman that was going to travel to Thailand. To my question of "how were you able to predict what was going to happen to her in such intricate detail?" he quickly replied: "I can't explain it." 

His mansion was also a further indicator of how he is willing to splurge his wealth on luxury, instead of investing in projects that can greatly benefit humanity. 

Am I being too judgmental and critical about Rob? As the discussion approached a 3 hour mark, it was getting late and I was having an acute stomach ache from holding back my farts throughout this whole discussion. I remembered what Leo said in one of the videos: "If you're sitting on a bench and your ass hurts, and the person is late, this is an opportunity for growth". So I pushed myself to sit through it and as I was having my judgmental thoughts throughout this whole ordeal, I was aware of these thoughts and tried my best to develop compassion and loving kindness towards Rob and his wife. I think this shows I'm really growing, because I would be out of that house much faster, feeling angry like my time has been wasted and further criticize the host. However, I left the house feeling like I've grown from that discussion, seeing these people as teachers and the experience as a lesson. Meditation efforts and loving kindness are starting to pay their dividends!

[Vladimir]

I'm going to Peru for 10 days for a deep Ayahuasca ceremony on October 22 - November 1st. Met Ashley yesterday and it turned out to be the best birthday gift I could've gotten. She beautifully summarized exactly what I was looking for in my life - a loving, supportive community of intelligent friends, a sense of worthiness, a connection with other human beings, a connection with life and the planet and most importantly deep healing of all the psychosomatic wounds I have been accumulating in my life, living with severe social anxiety and depression. She told me I'm carrying tons of shit, so heavy, that she wasn't able to lift it with her usual technique of uplifting people while the drumming and chanting shamanic ritual. There is a point during these rituals - EFT Energy meetup chanting, meditation mountain at LIB, Erica Gagnon talking at the sacred fire at LIB, Natalie's acupuncture, and yesterday's Ashley's shamanic rituals with drums, smoke and chanting -- which all get me to a point where my heart starts opening up and I feel this warm loving energy permeating my chest, throat, head and other parts of the body. It's as if I'm being reminded of how loving and beautiful life really is, a sense of a mother's love for her child, true happiness and joy, that all of that is within me, covered by the layers of social conditioning and self criticism which created all these blocks in the energy body.

I woke up this morning, barely feeling the usual heaviness and pain in the chest, so the shamanic ritual yesterday really changed something in me. I will be visiting Ashley more starting mid August so we can start preparing my body for the Peru ceremony. She told me she will be identifying which ally plants I will be working with and what I should eliminate or include in my diet. 

The decision of me going to Peru happened yesterday, which was my birthday, I was actually contemplating my own death most of the day (fun thing to do on your birthday), and was thinking what I would do differently, had I died on that day. Well, the only thing I would do differently is to visit my family and tell them I love them, I'm not seeing them at this time, because I need to go through this healing journey alone and I'm just not ready to deal with their negativity at this time. But for the most part, I thought I wouldn't do anything differently and would continue on this journey of healing, self discovery and life purpose. I ended up at Ashley's place around 6:30pm which was supposed to be a meetup group, though nobody else showed up, so she gave me a preview of her work which turned out to be a lot more powerful than I expected. 

She was very knowledgeable in her practice, she has been doing healing rituals and working with Ayahuasca for five years through drumming, chanting, smoke and communicating with the spirits. There was a lot of hesitation and lack of trust on my part in the beginning, it took me a while to warm up to her and begin trusting her. I don't trust people easily, especially when it comes to these types of experiences and rituals. However, her loving energy, knowledge, kindness, understanding, warmth and the skills she demonstrated during the ritual itself, told me she is legit and that I should follow her advice on continuing the healing process and going to Peru for a full ceremony where people really know what they're doing.

[Vladimir]

Went to ELG meeting at Linda's house yesterday, it was around here in La Mesa where I live and I was invited there by another woman I met at Enlightened Living meetup named Sarah. I had judgmental thoughts and made a lot of assumptions of what the meeting was going to look like. I knew, most likely, that all people there would be much older than I am, and I was watching my mind as it created thoughts like: "why are you going there to hang out with these old people? you're going there to do chanting and energy work? those are just some old desperate, lonely people who have nothing better to do but imagine things and believe in anything just to fill their time with something....why am I going there to waste time on this non-sense with these people? people my age should be hanging out with other beautiful people my age, talking about some real self development things, not some fairy tale energies." I had to push through all these barriers of criticism while making my way over there and I could see how I would easily change my mind about going there in the past, had I not been as mindful and aware as I am now. 

As I contemplate this further, I realize a lot of these thoughts come from my family, social and cultural conditioning and personal arrogance, ignorance and judgement of other people. When I got there, my assumptions about all people being much older than I am, turned out to be correct. It took me a while to warm up to the meeting, after some chants and meditations, I realized how much of an asshole I was prejudging all those people based on age and the activity. I can see how my own aging will cause a lot of suffering in the future if I continue with this type of thinking of putting myself on the pedestal, above others, just because I'm younger. I tried putting myself in those people's shoes and imagining myself being 60 years old, and how I would have liked to be treated by younger people. Being mindful and aware of these negative thoughts allowed me to transcend them and move into a place of cultivating unconditional love for all the people in the group. The actual theme of the meeting turned out to be right in line with what I'm doing with my own personal development, which was about Chakra clearing, chanting to re-connect with the divine self, concluding with sharing personal stories about our lives and supporting each other. 

All the women there turned out to be very kind, loving and supportive and I further felt embarrassed for my pre-judgements of these lovely women who gave me great insights and support when I shared that I'm going through a difficult time with my family. This is showing how transformative and powerful meditation and awareness really is, the experience of reality has completely shifted from "they are just a bunch of old people who don't have anything better to do, why should I waste time with them?" - which would lead to frustration, anger and a lot of discomfort sitting through the meeting to - "these are lovely human beings, sharing their life stories, on noble spiritual quest to reconnect with their true selfs, we are all here to practice self development and support each other." This allowed me to experience the group and getting into states of consciousness during meditations that we did together like I've never been able to before. By the end, I felt love and compassion for all the women, I felt connection with all of them, as if they had all become my friends.

Huge lessons and insights from this experience, I think I'm starting to see real inner growth.

[Vladimir]

Felt a lot of opening in the chest and warm feeling in the heart during acupuncture at Natalie's yesterday, the needles were placed on my head, center of chest and both hands, in the center of the palms area, creating a triangle which has powerful meaning in the sacred geometry and is symbol that represents masculine, fire, light and the holy Trinity. She guided me to first, expanding the heart beyond the body and cultivating love for myself and then going back to the past, sending this love to all the previous ages, all the way down to when I was still inside of my mother's womb, together with my brother. As I was going back to the past, looking where I was and how far I've come, I realized that I was still holding resentment, judgement and regrets for a lot of my past behavior, a lot of it was also guilt and shame. I could feel these psychological wounds being healed as I sent all these past versions of myself love, it especially got emotional when I got to around age 5, when I was that innocent, cute little boy, playing with toys and being so curious about life. Tears started rolling down as I sent love for the toddler self, here I was, before I learned anything about life, just completely being, how could I ever criticize myself and being so harsh towards oneself? When did I learn to be so cruel to that divine being of love? 

I don't think I've ever looked back on my life in this way, whenever I've thought about my past, it would occur randomly, automatically, unconsciously, and I would begin to judge and criticize self for all the mistakes I've done in the past which would of course re-enforce those memories and make my self criticism stronger. Sending unconditional love, going back all the ages has really started to change the way I look at myself, I don't see mistakes anymore, but rather countless experiences and lessons, and I'm starting to see other people as guides and teachers along the path. Had I not gone through a lot of the challenges and obstacles along the way, I may not have arrived to a place where I am now, which is the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. I'm so grateful for my life today and can only be thankful for the fate leading me to where I am today, with all of the sign posts and guides along the way. I now see social anxiety, depression and any other illness as body's signals of telling me that I'm off the right path, rather than seeing it as misfortune and illness. It's my body's way of telling me that I still need more healing and that I should make it a priority to seek out ways of healing any psychological wounds still remaining. 

This is what has lead me to Natalie, and Ashley, the Ayahuasca shaman with whom I'll be going to Peru for 10 days ceremony by the end of October. She told me, I will come back a different person, the experience changes you, for the good. Is it a coincidence that I got that gift for myself right on my birthday? I see it as a gift from the Divine, I feel like a lot of things that I have been doing in regards to healing myself was like a preparation for Peru's "big one".

[Vladimir]

Opened up the fridge yesterday and realized I didn't have any ingredients to make a decent meal. Improving my nutrition by mastering more healthy, delicious recipes is something that I've been putting off for a few weeks now, so I decided to start taking care of it yesterday. I have a book called "Real Fit" which has quick, delicious and simple recipes, which is exactly what I need, so I took it with me to Sprouts and bought some new ingredients that I don't usually buy. 

This is how I decided to approach this, I'm slowly going to incorporate new ingredients and try as many recipes as I can from the book, and add my own ideas to them to match my very active lifestyle. I made a Kale salad which was had it's ideas from guacamole and it turned out to be the most delicious salad I've ever had! I also added some blue corn organic chips to it and himalayan salt which wasn't part of the recipe. I was really surprised that a kale salad could taste so delicious and be so satisfying if cooked right, so I'm thinking what other recipes from the book I've underestimated just because they don't look as good. I also seem to be put off by recipes that call for new ways of cooking that I've never done before like baking, and I'm now wanting to try those also. 

Surprisingly the whole process of trying out new dishes from the book and even cooking them was actually enjoyable and added a sprinkle of variety to the day, so it's a win win for me. I think what's making this kind of activity fun and enjoyable is my daily meditation practice and unplugging from the toxic information sources and giving up addictions. I feel a lot calmer and peaceful and able to enjoy simple activities like writing and cooking which would frustrate me in the past and I would try to rush through them just to get it done. I think self development work is starting to pay off on many different levels and this is giving me even more motivation to continue on this journey. 

[Vladimir]

I've started getting ready for recording videos for the YouTube channel and have been reading out loud for about 1 hour every evening so I can get better at speaking. As I was reading the text, I noticed my body was getting tense and even slightly painful in certain areas, it feels like blockages and makes it pretty difficult to read and express myself verbally. I started paying closer attention to these areas of the body and was exactly was making it difficult for me to speak the words and I ended up coming with a few techniques which worked quiet well and let me improve my natural voice. The first thing I tried is reading very quietly because I first thought it I might be hurting my vocal chords by trying to speak too loudly in an improper way, putting strain on certain parts of the vocal mechanism, that didn't help, I still felt a lot of tension around the solar plexus area, tightness in the chest and constriction in the throat. I tried varying the pace of reading, and dis-attach myself from the way I was sounding, but that only made me mispronounce a lot of words and reduced the level of enunciation. 

The next thing I tried is plugging one of my ears, this has worked surprisingly well, because all of the sudden my voice sounded so much better and I felt a lot more confident speaking the words. I varied it by plugging one ear and then the other with my finger to hear the difference and eventually came back to hearing with both ears which almost immediately made it sound like my old self again and made it difficult to read. What I suspect from this exercise is that I'm judging the way I speak as I'm reading on a very subtle, subconscious level, because I have been doing this as a habit for a very long time. I've lived with social anxiety most of my life here in San Diego, which is about 18 years so it's not going to be easy to undo all of that negative behavior, I just didn't realize, until now, that I was doing this even while reading out loud, by myself with nobody around. I explored this further, by putting my hands over my mouth, leaving plenty of space for the mouth to read and breath. This technique has worked even better, I started sounding really good and was able to use mouth and facial expressions to make the text come alive which I wouldn't normally do. I also immediately got more confident with my own speaking, the words flowed naturally and the usual blockages in the body seemed to have diminished. 

This technique of holding the hands close to the mouth may be one of the best techniques to get me to like my own voice and unlock the natural ways I'm supposed to be speaking, while releasing tension and blockages accumulated to many years of self-criticism and judgement. While at a yoga class, yesterday morning, I drew a tarot card with the word "Strategy" on it and so I started thinking how I could do things more strategically in every area of my life. One of these areas is my life purpose which is making videos on YouTube, however, I think I should strategically work my way up to developing the skills to create those videos, instead of just jumping right in and recording them right away. Even though I could do this, a smarter, more strategic way would be to gradually "level up" the skills of voice, story telling, persuasion, and verbal expression (expressing ideas creatively and with confidence) to have good impact on listeners. Also, this will give me more time to work on other areas and get more ideas for video content, so I think I shouldn't rush this and continue expanding my knowledge and mastering the skills, sharpening all those weapons for the big battle ahead!

[Vladimir]

Starting to experience blissful states in the middle of Yoga practice and meditations. I've been doing Yoga 3 times a week for about 9 months, but I think I'm just starting to understand what the Asanas are really designed to do. There is much wisdom to be gathered from looking at Yoga as a metaphor for life and I'm starting to learn things about myself by looking at it in this way. There is balance, breath which is the prana, the life force, that unites body and mind, unity (Yoga means unity), expanding and softening to the boundaries - physical, mental, energy, pushing further than originally thought possible, knowing when to ease off and when to push, the flow of life - everything is okay as it is, acceptance of all nature, the beauty of present moment experience, concentration, the inner world from which all reality is manifested, cultivating love, vitality, happiness, joy and other positive feelings, non reactive behavior, continuing breathing despite difficulties and challenges, non-competing but focusing completely on myself, non-judging, purification of mind, body and soul. 

Finished reading the book called "Yoga with a Purpose" which clearly explained the 8 Limb Path outlined by Patanjali. I realized I was already doing a lot of things mentioned in the book, like practicing meditation, asanas, concentration, non-harming, non-stealing, impulse control etc. but at the same time there are some of the areas where I'm still lacking like Aparigraha which basically means minimalism. Though I've gotten rid of a lot of things already, there is still a lot of stuff I'm holding on to that I really don't need and will probably never use. Another one is "Tapas" which is one of the five Niayamas (how you treat yourself) which refers to self-discipline. Overcoming laziness and procrastination is one of the things I put down on the whiteboard for things to work on, so it's good to be reminded of that, especially seeing that this one is really important because "it awakens the kundalini life energy within us" the more we practice self-discipline. 

It seems that everything that Leo talks about and this 8 Limb Path are very aligned and so is all the self development work that I have been doing, and this book really tied it all together for me, because I was still unclear with what type of mediations I should be doing and where exactly I'm headed with all of this. Well the ultimate goal for all Yogis is to achieve Samadhi (enlightment) by living a lifestyle outlined by this path, where Yoga Asanas (postures) is just one of those 8 things, or limbs. I think a lot of people don't realize Yoga is more than just postures, it's a way of life and there is far greater rewards for people that embrace the full life style than just flexibility and looking good. This path aligns with inner work, consciousness, concentration and meditation, relating the world and yourself in a loving way and reaching states of consciousness that are so incredible and blissful, that one would be utterly shocked of why everyone isn't pursing this and instead chasing illusions of success in the external world.

It's like everything is starting to come together for me, Yoga is uniting all those pieces of the puzzle, I'm starting to see the big picture, I understand now that all the greatest treasures are hidden within "the biggest secrets are hidden in the most obvious places". True love, joy and happiness are to be cultivated from within and nature is always reminding us of it - the sun's nuclear fission which generates all the energy is burning from within, there is no external force coming from the outside the sun which creates all that energy. The nucleus of every cell in our bodies is in the center, within the cell, the way we see the world is through our own mental model of reality which is created within our minds, everything comes from within, and yet we still delude ourselves thinking, that some day, we will finally "reach that goal", or "find that special someone" who will make us truly happy. I think I'm still holding on to it on some level, but I feel I'm starting to truly letting that go, thanks to Yoga and all the consciousness work I have been doing which is now showing great results.

[Vladimir]

This morning's meditation was something I've never experienced before. I'm combining concentration for 15 minutes, followed by 45 minutes of vipassana body scanning and loving kindness. Concentration really makes huge difference, because I was able to really focus on all the bodily sensations and send love to all the uncomfortable areas. What started happening after a while is I started to feel like a loving ball of energy, all the "rough" edges mostly dissipated, there was no more pain, just a slight discomfort because my mind kept falling asleep, which is the most uncomfortable feeling in the morning. Though I stayed mindful and sent this love and focus to even these uncomfortable sensations and the feeling of love kept expanding. 

The book on symbols is starting to get more and more interesting, it's like all the symbols are a way for people to understand and interpret reality in a way that wouldn't be possible with words. There are countless life lessons, deep meanings, hints at spiritual growth and hero's journey etc. I think symbols is one of the greatest ways to improve memory because we are surrounded by symbols and understanding and learning them will make them constant, subtle reminders about all the wisdom of life. For example square is a symbol for created Universe, I started thinking of a square as a "model of reality" that we all create in our minds, which is not the actual reality. From that model reality, come boundaries or limitations which is indicated by clear square's boundaries, and the more we live in that model of reality the thicker these boundaries become and the more real are model seems to be. Square is now also a symbol for anything human built - computers, tv's, buildings, cars, phones, apartments, rooms - all these things are mostly square. 

Boundaries and limits is a concept that keeps popping up in my life, Yoga is a way to soften and expand those boundaries, when being outdoors around other people, I can feel certain "social" boundaries which manifest as bodily sensations of slight tension and anxiety - these are "social boundaries" and as I become aware of them I also soften into them and let my body expand, realizing I don't have to live within those boundaries. Mental models of reality is a clear example of very rigid boundaries of people's lifes, self-images and paradigms. All of these models create limited reality for people and they become attached to it and believe that things that fall into those models must be "true". This creates all the limiting beliefs and distorted perception of reality and thus can lead to much suffering, especially because most people are getting their information flows from the system which isn't designed to make them happy and healthy. 

[Vladimir]

Dreamed last night that I was transformed into a spider and had super powers, like jumping really high, I kept jumping over long distances. "To see or dream that you are a spider indicates that you need to draw on your own inner strength and willpower. Remember the phrase “with great power comes great responsibility”, you may have come into recent powers to help you overcome adversity and you will then be able to help others." I also saw my grandma from dad's side who was holding a baby, I had a quick conversation with her. A spider also symbolizes "weaver of your own destiny", so I think this dream means I will be gaining new powers with all the changes and personal development in my life and then jump over huge hurdles and obstacles very quickly as a result of that. "Spiders are also a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin." This is another interpretation which seems to be spot on with what's happening in my life right now. I'm becoming a lot more creative, my memory has improved dramatically and I'm able to put a lot of ideas together and have big insights, I'm quickly building a big picture understanding and everything is starting to connect. 

This morning's meditation was very difficult, because I felt like I haven't gotten enough sleep, and I'm still feeling tired as I'm typing this. I think it's the most difficult to meditate when your brain wants to go to sleep, there are other unpleasant feelings that manifest when this happens too, for me, more anger and frustration seem to surface during this time, which tells me it's a great place for inner growth, I was able to sit for the whole hour, but it was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a while. I felt less anxiety this morning though, I've had colon cleanse, lymphatic system procedure, infrared sauna and acupuncture yesterday. All of that seemed to have a toll on my body and my therapist told me body's detoxification can have that effect on the body. I think I'm going to take it easy this morning, while working out in the park because I'm still feeling tired and not even wanting to go out. Though, I know this is the best place for inner growth and I gotta push through this discomfort because I always feel more energized and revitalized after outdoor work outs in the park. Being a full blown empath, working out and doing qigong in the park while barefoot has too many benefits to miss out on it like grounding, getting energy from the sun, Earth's vibrations, nature's energies. 

[Vladimir]

Felt low on energy and sleepy most of yesterday, still struggling with energy and sleeping problems. Last night I had another dream where I was running out of breath, being sumerged in the water, and then coming out of the water and feeling really dehydrated, looking desperately for water. I'm surprised, that despite all the healthy things I'm doing, I'm still having sleeping and energy issues, this is making me think I might be sick on a very deep spiritual level. I'm really excited and looking forward to learning about Ayahuasca and preparing myself for the ceremony at the end of August. I've also signed up for a 10 day Peru trip where I will undergo 6 Ayahuasca ceremonies with Shamans that have been doing it most of their lives. The books I'll be reading are "Fellowship of the River" and "Ayahuasca: Soul Medicine of the Jungle", I'm thinking of reading them both at the same time, so I can connect ideas and get the big picture understanding, they call this "syn-topical reading" when reading multiple books at the same time and maybe even coming up with ideas and insights that weren't in the books, this I learned from "How to Read a Book", which I ironically is a pretty difficult book to read and put it aside for the time being. 

Feeling much better this morning, the metta meditation felt amazing, I'm developing more love towards myself and starting to feel my mood lifting. I also understand there will be setbacks along this journey, like what I've experienced yesterday, but I don't let it discourage me, because I realize this is not a straight line up type of journey, there are all kinds of zigzags and plateaus along the way. Also, I need to remember that I've been making a lot of changes, all of which are very recent, I think I'm only about 3 weeks into daily reading, only about a week into reading out loud everyday, just over a month of journaling everyday, and only a few days coming up with the ideas to talk about on my upcoming YouTube channel. I've also started doing Yoga regularly 3 times a week, QiGong and park work outs 3 times a week, self-massage after QiGong, unplugged myself from all social media, stopped playing video games and watching YouTube videos (except Leo), completely disconnected myself from my family (this was about 3 weeks ago), started meditating one hour in the morning and 1 and a half hours at night. I'm also starting to incorporate visualization meditations, contemplation, integration, concentration and recall. I've started pushing myself to work on my willpower more and not put away chores for later. I've been getting acupuncture and recently got colonics, lymphatic, and infrared sauna. I've changed my schedule to go to sleep at exactly 10pm and wake up at 6am, I'm making a smoothie every morning, just like the one in Leo's video, I've recently made a healthy vegetable soup, also from Leo's video and started incorporating more recipes from the "Eat Healthy" book. I'm now also running my own meetup called Self Actualization for Conscious People and tonight will be having my second meeting at a bonfire in Mission Beach. 

So....that's a lot of changes in the past couple of months, I can see how my body and mind may not like all of these sudden changes, but I'm really passionate about creating a new life for myself, that's why I didn't want to slowly incorporate these habits, but rather go very quickly. Another reason I'm more easily able to do all these things is because I'm currently not working and living off the savings, which I will be able to do for a while, do I'm dedicated 100% of my time to this stuff. Also, I've always been very persistent and have a lot of endurance and determination if I really want something in life, and this has been my strength and the reason I'm still alive today. I've also been able to pay close attention to detail, which I think is something I've developed while working for many years in search engine optimization sphere. I've always asked myself the simplest questions to make sure I really understand the ideas been presented, and I've been pushing myself to step outside the ordinary, comfort zone, which is what eventually led me to discovering magic mushrooms and opening up this new dimension for me, leading me on this journey of self discovery and improvement. I feel so greatful to have stumbled upon this knowledge and the Great Leo, I really wouldn't want my life any other way!

Edited July 23, 2017 by Vladimir

[Vladimir]

Had a huge insight this morning: "the worst things that happened in my life are the greatest opportunities to cultivate unconditional love towards myself". A roaring thunder applauded me at the exact moment I had this insight. And not only that, but the whole yin and yang concept finally made sense to me - there can be no love without hatred, there can be no joy without suffering, of course! I think this shift in mentality will make me unstoppable - there are no bad things that will happen to me anymore, only lessons for cultivating even more love, joy, and happiness. St. Francis prayer that I have been reciting a lot lately, really put everything together for me: 

"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace; 
that where there is hatred, I may bring love; 
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; 
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; 
that where there is error, I may bring truth; 
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; 
that where there is despair, I may bring hope; 
that where there are shadows, I may bring light; 
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. 
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; 
to understand, than to be understood; 
to love, than to be loved. 
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. 
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. 
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. 
Amen."

Also:
"Whoever drinks from my mouth will become as I am; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him." ~Jesus

I've been getting a sense lately that everything that happened in my life has been designed to lead me on this journey. I used to think back on my past and think "I could've been smarter back then, if only I knew about Leo back then, if only I've been smarter about my finances back then, if only I started cultivating love and meditating back then, I would avoid so much misery and suffering, I would be so much more advanced in self development now and I would probably already have the beautiful life I want by now." These thoughts would create a lot of suffering, regret and unease, they are really the most difficult thoughts to let go and I think most people suffer in their lives because of they either live in the past or the future, constantly thinking how things could've turned out better or what awaits them in the future. 

I now think ignorance is truly the root of all evil. People don't understand that all of their suffering ever experienced are lessons to make them stronger, more loving, more compassionate, more understanding and opportunities to cultivate all the beautiful feelings within themselves like true joy, happiness, peace and love. We take the default position, blindly assuming these things that happned to us are "bad" and had only we been smarter back then we would avoid these "bad" things and our lives would be "better" as a result. I think this is the most dangerous traps of all, everybody gets trapped in this loop of thinking and are unable to really grow and flourish which reqruires one to make a simple switch and starting to see things in a different light. 

The worst betrayal, the most shameful memories, the most stupid mistakes you have made, the loved ones you lost, the disease and illness you have developed, the 'wrong' choices you have made, these things are the greatest lessons and were designed to help you awaken to your divine powers. The body desparately signals us that we are 'off the right path' by ways of anxiety, depression, anger and other 'negative' sensations, it's nudging, and pushing and sometimes screaming that we take action in the right direction, yet we choose to ignore it and cover it up with medication which numb the sensations and messages our body is so desparately trying to communicate to us. 

This insight, is surely going to make me unstoppable, there are no more obstacles in my way, only lessons which will make me stronger, more loving and wise.

[Vladimir]

Since experiencing Viapassana meditation for the first time during a 10 day retreat about a year ago, I've always wondered if there other techniques one can use to get into a higher state of consciousness faster, how can I make my meditation more efficient? I remember asking myself questions like, if we are scanning our bodies during the meditation, what is the goal or the next stage of this practice? Asking the meditation teacher this question yielded zero results, I would always get an answer like "just keep observing your body, there is nowhere to get to". Well eventually I was able to squeeze an answer out from other people that were there and it turns out there is a state called Bhangha where your body starts feeling like one energy ball and you lose a physical sense of your body. So I've been experimenting with all kinds of techniques I would come up, while meditating, to see how my mind is playing tricks on me and I could get myself to the next level. I realize this may not be the proper "Buddhist" way of meditating, though if our goal is to get to different states of consciousness these techniques I've been coming up with work wonders. 

So the first thing that works great for me, is like Leo mentioned, concentration practice before meditation, so I do this for about 15 minutes by concentrating on the area behind my closed eyes. As I was practicing this, there was huge discomfort from the monkey mind and I could feel a lot of resistance to this technique because I am so addicted to always thinking as I found out. This was a great revelation and so I continued practicing concentration for 15 minutes, twice a day before moving on to vipassana style body scan meditations. Concentration really helps when moving on to scanning the body and I'm able to very quickly feel the sensations all over the body without spending much time on going up and down. What I've started to notice after a while is the mind keeps flashing images of "the body", "the body sitting in the room" and the "room and external environment where this body is sitting". These habits of the mind have been practiced for many years to be able for us to navigate in our environment since the day we are born. However, realizing these thoughts aren't useful because they are all illusions keeping us from experiencing reality, it then makes sense to get rid of them. 

What has worked great for me for removing the "flashing body image" is, first of all not trying to make it go away, but to become mindful and aware of exactly where this image is appearing in the mind's eye, and just notice, observe and at the same time realize that this is just a mind flashing an image as if a projector is projecting it onto the screen, and don't get attached to it. Secondly, I start to "blur" the edges of the body as if using "Guassian Filter" in Photoshop, this coincides with the fact that our bodies and everything else we are surrounded with is all energy. After a while, applying the "guassian filter" to the body, makes it very blurry, and instead of seeing the usual body picture in the mind's eye I start seeing a ball of energy. This works great with the "flashing image of the environment" too, I've tried different techniques like - making the environment black and white, imagining other objects in the environment, imagining complete darkness or other places like being inside the spaceship or out in the jungle, however the environment where I'm sitting just keeps coming back, because it's so ingrained into our minds and our body always needs to know where it is. So the guassian filter technique works great on the environment too, and since the body is already blurred, after a while of practicing this technique, the body and environment start to blend it together in one blurry image! This can also be applied to the external environment that also keeps flashing, especially when other people make noise outdoors, blurrying everything allows me to lose a sense of the visual body and all the environment where it's located. 

This was actually pretty scary to do at first when I was trying it out last night, which tells me there is progress happening. The reason it was scary is because the body/mind has never experienced anything like that before, it's very difficult to push it out of the usual habit of perceiving reality the way it has been doing for many years, the state of losing a sense of where I am and where my body is it pretty trippy. This technique also works great because the toughest images to get rid of are the areas of the body that are touching the surface, like the butt touching the sitting area or back against the wall/chair, by blurring the environment and the body, I can start blending it all together. 

As the body starts blurring with the environment, all is starting to feel like energy and there is no more flickering images in the mind about the body or environment, it starts to dissipate. From this place I "switch off the lights" and imagine there is complete darkness all around, at this point it becomes a lot easier to replace any remaining blurring images the mind is flashing with complete darkness because the mind is not attached to the usual pictures of the body and environment anymore, but has become flexible and is more open to changes. The darkness technique works better if you're sitting in a complete darkness, and at this point things can get really scary because there is nothing but darkness, there is no more images of the body and environment and the whole thing starts to merge together. The only thing you're aware of are the sensations and feelings of the body, which is the next thing to work with.

The next stage will be to play around with all the emotional and physical sensations and try to come up with a technique for stopping to label all those sensations as "pleasant, unpleasant, rough, subtle, painful" etc. These are all human constructs and not reality, so it makes sense to get rid of those too. I think, similarly, I can begin by simply observing how the mind is labeling these sensations and instead of the usual labeling, just call them all "energy", and become aware of this energy changing states, moment by moment. Since there is no more body attachment at this stage it will be a lot easier to call everything changing energy instead of immediately attaching a "flashing image of the body" to whatever feeling is being experienced. After a while of experiencing the body as moving and changing energy, I think the best way to go forward is to completely "let go" and experience this new state "as is" with full acceptance of present moment existence.

I have yet to fully experiment with everything that I've written down here all the way to the end, these are some of the insights I came up with while meditating yesterday night, though I was able to get into states of consciousness that I was never able to access before thanks to these simple techniques, and I've never heard any meditation teachers talk about these, although the goal of Vipassana seems to align with these. I did just find out that - "Some meditation teachers feel that the following information should not be made available to the general public. That isn't because these teachings are for members of a select group, must be specially transmitted, or are in any sense esoteric; but because, due to the tricky nature of the mind, learning about these insights before acquiring personal meditation experience might cause you to anticipate results, thereby slowing your progress." I also just discovered this information about Vipassana - http://www.vipassanadhura.com/sixteen.html#fourb which talks about Sixteen Stages of Insight, and I'm going to be reviewing this and comparing it to my states of consciousness, combining the techniques mentioned with my own and experimenting with a bunch of things.
 

[Vladimir]

I'm starting to relate differently to all the "negative" things in my life like low energy, muscle soreness, joint paint, difficulty breathing, problems with expressing myself, chest tightness, throat tightness and soreness, solar plexus and stomach tension. Yes, I feel like I'm sick on a deep spiritual level, because I'm already living a life style that is consider super healthy by today's standards, yet the symptoms, even though diminished, still remain. Which is why I'm really hopeful for upcoming Ayahuasca ceremonies, I think I'm going to be able to go deep inside on the spiritual level and address and uncover something which is the root cause of a lot, if not all of these symptoms. At the same time, I'm starting to see all these things as if they have been set up and planned for me on purpose, so I can learn from them and develop and grow despite them. It's like these challenges are the training grounds to create the ultimate warrior of light and this is what I feel I'm starting to become now. I'm coming up with insights and reality about life so profound, that they are accelerating my growth everyday and I'm moving over these obstacles and gaining even more knowledge, experience and wisdom from them, instead of letting them drag me down and discourage me. I'm starting to feel like I have been born to do this, to experience a lot of suffering and then use these lessons to grow into someone great. The metaphor of a lotus flower, growing and rising above the muddy waters of a swamp is perfect. And the great thing about this, is I'm no longer trying to show off, compete, prove anything, persuade anybody or even become anybody great. "Seek not greatness, but seek truth and you will find both." ~Horace Mann, this quote nails it for me, as I'm seeking the truth, the most profound wisdom, insights, and ideas are starting to flow naturally. I think this is the best place to really become your greatest version of self and where true, most beautiful creativity, imagination and art can spawn from. 

[Vladimir]

What I'm starting to realize with this work is that people don't spend nearly enough time, not only meditating, but doing other internal mind work like - contemplation, visualization, recall, integration. As I'm learning more about symbols and learning about reality, I've come to realize that a lot of the books, movies, children's stories, symbols, works of art and other creative human expressions are all designed to understand reality on some level. I'm also starting to see there are constants in our life on which the world around us is built and understood, eg: direction, elevation, expansion, change, intensity, force, speed, proximity etc. There are also countless constants that point to what's going on in the development of human's lives, the hero's journey, understanding the world around us and ourselves, the spirit etc. 

There are messages, symbols, embedded all around us, in the nature, movies, books if you have the wisdom to read between the lines. "He who drinks from my mouth will become like me, and I will become like him, and the hidden things will be revealed to him." ~Jesus. There are many levels of understanding just like there are many levels towards achieving mastery, a character being leveled up in a role playing game, becoming stronger, wiser, gaining new spells (mind abilities), acquiring experience (applying knowledge in practice) and leveling up (getting insights) so that he can go on to defeat more difficult monsters (inner demons) and finally the ultimate boss (self). Knowing which level of understanding I'm at gives me a good perspective on what I still need to work on and what traps to avoid, which is why Leo's video on spiral dynamics was invaluable, it will also help me relate ideas better to people because I'll know the different levels to target the messages to. 

I want to start working on breaking down the system we're living under, the current paradigm of individual survival, materialism and dominance and analyze what the leverage points are within this system in terms of delivering the most powerful information to people. This is going to help me gain more understanding about myself and test my own knowledge, in fact teaching is one of the best ways to learn, which is another reason I want to do it. By writing outlines for videos I'm preparing to shoot for YouTube, I've already gained more understanding and was able to explore "blind areas" that I wouldn't be able to uncover otherwise. 

[Vladimir]

Worked on creating first YouTube video yesterday, but just couldn't get the lighting right so it turned out pretty dark. I also didn't know how I was going to remember everything I wanted to talk about and thought of some ways of having a computer screen in the same location where the camera is, but realized this wouldn't work because even the slightest movement of the eyes of the camera lens immediately gives away that I'm looking somewhere else which looks awkward. So I decided to use my recently gained memory techniques of symbols and visualization to try to memorize most of the stuff I was going to talk about, it's around six pages worth of content and turned out to be a 30 minute speech. I used visualizing technique pretty effectively but still need some kind of method for memorizing the sequence of content because that would throw me off and I would get lost in the middle of talking because I didn't know where to go next. 

I need to work on not blinking so much while talking and I also think I could be more expressive with my mouth, opening the mouth more and smiling and just adding more variety of movement to the mouth and facial features so I don't look as statue-like. Work on becoming more animated, and more expressive with body language. The voice was a lot of struggle at first while I was practicing and was very difficult to just talk because it didn't feel natural. But when I started making the final video, I eased into it more and it became more easy flowing, though I still need to work on it a lot to get to the point where I like it and where it feels natural. I now want to make it a daily practice of talking in front of the camera and recording videos because this is the aspect of my life that I really want to master. This is my chosen life purpose because it will help me learn and teach myself by sharing insights and teaching people in this way, and I realize there still needs to be a lot of work done until the point where I get very comfortable talking and start making quality videos with great insights, though things are moving forward, I'm able to remember things to talk about, put together insights and deliver them in a clear, easy to understand way, which is a great start.

[Vladimir]

Spend a few hours yesterday listening to all kinds of electronic music, so I could get a feel of what the best type of music would be to dance to for my upcoming dance series. The idea is to shoot these dance videos outdoors in the most beautiful scenery possible, and there are a lot of them here in San Diego. A lot of things have to be well thought of for these videos to gain any traction and stand out - 1) clothes/accessories 2) scenery 3) music 4) dance moves 5) video lighting. I already have clothes which I bought for music festivals and accessories too, the scenery are plenty around here, I think the best music to dance to would be Trap and Liquid Dubstep, I should have the dance moves, or at least that's what I think, and I'll be taking a micro dose of mushrooms to enhance the dance moves and give me more energy. 

As far as video lighting, I'll just have to position the camera right, in relation to the sun light and use the marking flags to stay within the shooting area which I ordered yesterday. I also bought what seems to be a really bad ass outdoor speaker and can't wait to try it out, it's going to take a little while to come in though because it wasn't part of the Amazon Prime deal. If everything is done as I'm planning and I put in the best effort into actual dance moves and choreography, I think I'll be able to attract more attention to my YouTube channel, while at the same time enjoying dancing outdoors to the music I love and the beautiful environment, this is one of my passions and I truly enjoy it. It will also show my audience that I'm about more than just intellectual side of things when it comes to self development. Physical component is a huge area of self development, the body needs to be taken care of, and these videos will show people that I actually walk the walk. What I'm thinking of doing, is becoming even more fit, so I can have more energy and stamina to dance longer and better.

I still need to build a playlist of songs I really like and can show my best dance moves to, there are so many styles, songs and playlists on YouTube and I think my brain was getting overstimulated and is the reason I couldn't fall asleep for a while yesterday night. I ended up sitting up on my bed and quieting my mind by practicing concentration meditation. This has worked great and after about 10 minutes, I felt like I was nodding off, so I laid back down and shortly fell asleep. This morning, I'm still feeling a bit off than usual, I feel like I haven't gotten enough sleep, though I'm not allowing myself to go with the usual complaint like: "I haven't gotten enough sleep, so I'm going to take it easy today". Instead, I'm actually taking advantage of this challenge and seeing it as an opportunity to grow. This kind of mentality of seeing difficulties as great opportunities is really starting to shift things in my life and I'm seeing great improvement in my self discipline and willpower as a result.

[Vladimir]

Dreamed of playing a 2 on 2 volleyball game for money with a guy who used to be my friend, the other team who we played against had a woman and a little kid, we ended up losing $1,000 and I'm the one who kept raising bets and it was all my money I lost. We were both not trying hard enough because we thought we could easily beat the woman and a little kid and we wanted a rematch and told ourselves we would try hard this time, though I don't think my friend was willing to bet so much money this time and I thought it was unfair. 

I have interpreted this dream as - not giving my absolute best when it comes to this self development work, even though I have changed so many things already and I'm putting in a lot of effort like I've never done before, I still slack off and could do better. I have been careful not to burn myself out though and not push too hard because I'm aware of the homeostasis balancing loop, as we try to change ourselves the body will try to get us back into the state that it has known for many years, which is best way it knows how to survive.

I was woken up last night around 2:00am by people partying in the jacuzzi area of my apartment complex, I would usually feel infuriated by this because I really need my sleep to function well during the day and this would mess up my schedule if I allowed myself to sleep in longer. I did feel frustrated, but I tried to use the opportunity to practice acceptance and emotional mastery, being okay with whatever situation was going on. I think this was a huge challenge, but I was able to be okay with it, though not fully. They kept on talking and laughing very loudly and I just couldn't fall asleep so I ended up calling the security patrol who told me they would take care of the situation immediately, and after about 20 minutes they took care of it and it was quiet.

I keep running into these emotional obstacles whether it's anger in my throat, sleepiness, lethargy, physical pain, anxiety and reactive behavior. Though I'm a lot more aware that these things are surfacing and I'm more able to tell myself: "the most difficult moments in our lives are the best opportunities for inner growth" - if people really embodied this one piece of wisdom, humanity would evolve at an unprecedented rate and we would eliminate most of the suffering. I'm still trying to live up to this wisdom and keep reminding myself of it during my difficult moments as they pop up and it's starting to work great. Of course it's very tough to tell myself "this is an opportunity to grow" when I feel like shit, it's the last thing I want to think, but I think my vipassana meditations have really helped me be "equnamous" with the sensations - to experience all sensations as they are, and so this has given me a lot of advantage when it comes to these difficult emotional experiences and situations in life.

[Vladimir]

Just got back from my trip to the mall and beach. I decided that I would start approaching women again because I need to add some more variety into my life and dating sounds like it will spice things up a lot more. This time, though, I'm approaching this not from the neurotic motivation of "trying to get a girlfriend" or "trying to get laid" but rather achieving emotional mastery. I also came up with a simple opener: "Excuse me (get attention and stop her), do you mind if I ask you a personal question? (she will say it's okay 99% of the time), are you single? (let the intentions be clear and if she's interested she will say - yes), the follow up question is - would you like to go on a quick date right now? Boom! Instant date, no need to come up with any bullshit pickup techniques, just as efficient and straightforward as it can be without wasting anybody's time. 

When I got to the mall and started walking around, I approached the first woman almost effortlessly, there was little to no anixety and I was shocked at how easy approaching women really is when you're coming from authentic place instead of being shady and hiding your true intentions. I ended up only approaching 3 women in this way total, because there weren't a lot of ones I was attracted to. The last one I approached said "yes" to my question if she's single, then I told her "well you look pretty" and walked away. After 5 seconds of walking I was like wait.....shit....oh no....she said - yes! Oh my god what an idiot! I didn't react quickly enough to her saying yes with my follow up question of going out on a date and assumed "yes" meant she has a boyfriend for some reason. When I came back to the spot where she was sitting to ask her out on a date she was already gone. 

Knowing that I mastered my emotions enough to approach women in this way feeling almost no anxiety, I was actually laughing at how funny the whole thing was, is giving me a lot of self confidence, I have overcome what I have always feared the most! My old mental models and limitations have been dissolved even more now and I'm becoming truly someone else that I scarcely recognize anymore. It's like all the self development things and healthy habits I've been working on have come together in synergistic way and created this new, advanced, leveled up version of Vladimir.

[Natasha]

@Vladimir is a common East European name. Where are your roots from?