Confusion Stage

[xeeky4]

Hey guys am really going through some things it will be nice to have your perspectives on it. Iv got this huge urge to pursue enlightenment/self actualization hard core, but then were im at in life isnt suitable for that at the moment, am struggling to balance things out as leo says in one of his videos, but things arent going so well for me, im just out of collage and working on my life purpose and other practical sorta things, i just moved from my family home after having some big issues wich left negative impressions on me and am currently going through depression, iv just moved to a bigger city and it all feels like starting from scratch..am not able to medidate and contemplate properly anymore and i feel like am stuck. Some times i find my self stuck in theory land and not being able to execute and i find i judge myself alot. This is the biggest shift for me so far this year..and it would really be nice to have advice on this

[nahtanoj]

I'm in the same boat. "I don't have the resources to live the sage way", I have a crapy job that pays but only for the basics. I also have family (wife and daughter). I moved from another country to United States and my English is not the best.

 

This makes me scared of starting a business or looking for high paying jobs. I have a bachelor degree on information systems, after college I started working with some companies back in my country and hated the jobs, after a while I realized that I like web development and I kind of know a little bit but I'm not expert on the field. Every time I try to do a proyect I encounter an obstacle and just quit. The thing is that I have a lot of knowledge and philosophy under the belt I started doing inner work and it helped me a lot. I kind of want to stop following susscess and just pursue enlightenment, but I don't want to let my family behind.

 

I want to give them susscess. Did I mention that I have a crapy job? Well the thing is that having this job was the motivation to start self development and also losing 60 pounds in 5 months. After that I realized I can do everything I can propose. So  right now I'm confused and in a paradoxical intersection. I want susscess and I want enlightenment. I also don't know my life purpose so I'm going to buy the Leo course. I started adding good habits, meditation, and reading the Leo's book list.

 

That right there is life changing. The other day I was driving to my job and I was looking at the rising sun and I just started crying of joy to be alive in that moment I felt that what I have is enough to be happy. Everything you need is only yourself. But I know my ego don't want that and also my ego wants to provide success to my family. So at the end I'm confused like you. What I'm going to do is to surrender to life 100% I'm accepting everything, accepting reality like it is.

 

That for some reason makes me to get out of the depression and I'm motivated to do success in a mindfulness way. I spend the last month doing contemplation on my life purpose and I have some ideas but I think that if I do what my life purpose is I could get success in a mindful way and in a way where I can pursue enlightenment.

 

In conclusion start doing inner work and keep working for success. It is funny that I'm confused but can give you some advice. 

Edited July 9, 2017 by nahtanoj

[xeeky4]

Thanks alot

[RossE]

@xeeky4 Look further into that urge. It could be very revealing, if you're really honest. Why do you want it? Is it because it seems like the right path, the only path? Is it because you want to escape your life in this existence? Is it because somebody told you it's the ultimate state of bliss and you can use this to escape your family and depression?

Even if this is a legit urge, you should do some deep, deep inner work before thinking about going down the spiritual route, I think going to therapy to sort out your emotional problems and family problems is a good first step. You need to get your garden looking tidy first - by that I mean your basic everyday level of happiness, productivity, self-esteem, etc. Depression is incredibly debilitating from my experience and a person experiencing it shouldn't even consider looking for enlightenment. It may be a message from your psyche that you need to change shit around in your life, it certainly was for me, looking back. Yield to that message and make basic positive changes which seem right to you - hobbies, relationships, diet etc. Over time, along with therapy, this will cleanse you. It's good that you're starting from scratch in this way - you can ditch a lot of the junk in your life without the old ties to it. 

Keep your meditation habit, this will help you to build up mindfulness over your depressive emotions and thoughts and could also act as a soother, a salve for you depending on the technique. I would ditch the contemplation for now, that's probably not going to help you.

Most of all, remember that anyone's advice on here is just one person's opinion on your life, a complete stranger giving you advice based on very little information. Follow your inner drives first and foremost. There is a drive in you that will pull you out of all this, if you allow it.