I Cannot Deal With The Fact Of Existence Itself

[lens]

sorry if it's a bit too long but I just want to get this out of my chest since no one I know fully understands
what I'm going through.

when i was younger i'd always be perplexed by existence itself, and I could never understand it
no matter how many times I tried to rationalize it. Back then I was a christian and any doubts and scary thoughts I
had would be dismissed by me going "because god" so I never really worried. I remenber I was watching
a trailer for an upcoming game about a guy who had 12 hours to find out who killed him before his
soul dissapeared, I found it interesting and researched the game. I started to question about how
it was possible for a soul to not exist, I found it really paradoxicall and went really deep into it. 
but my brain couldn't accept it so it went like "that concept doesn't exist because it cannot work, much like santa claus, because of god"
and out of nowhere my brain did this which changed my life forever.

"santa claus? hey, remenber how santa claus was a made up story adults told to kids? what if god is the same thing?"

I froze and went into an immediate panic attack. On that night I lost something i'd never get back,
certantity and safety. I could never again be certain I wasn't living a lie, that I wasn't in a dream, a matrix,
a boltzmann brain dreaming within the matrix, heck why not hell? I went a long time believing that my sole purpose
in life was to be some higher being's toy who wanted to make me suffer due to the fact that I was constantly depressed basically living

with a solipsism mindset.

but a certain time passed and I got over it, because just like the previous "because god" I took for granted
I took for granted that I was living in a "naive realist" reality, and that was that. "why does anything exist?"
because it does, sciencie is going to find out why, no need to worry, why is there councioness? because science
there is no god, religion is stupid, I hate god, that was me for a long time. I kind of switched "religions" from
god to science while keeping some spiritual ideas about the self and free will to appease my ego. I remenber I used
to be proud how I overcame that horrible state of mind and that I had somehow "rised above" into what I considered something
no human had ever experienced. I laugh at that idea now, but back then I got really cocky, that is until it happened again.

I was chatting with a friend in college about free will, and he told me how everything is appearantly predetermined and
that the brain makes decisions before the "I" is aware. I dug deep into it. I went to wiki, reddit, youtube documentaries,
I even started to research in sites I never went on about scientists who were for and against the idea of it, just to get a better 
sense of perspective. at one point I even tried tricking myself into believing, "I live in the brain, the brain cares for me, and thefore the "I" cares for the brain"
i was really grasping at straws at that point, and then the truth was pretty much summed up by leo's video about it.
"there is no you to have free will"

I did not take that well. I went into a state of sadness, and then of despair realizing there's no control, because logic worked like this
I felt sad, i was predetermined to feel sad, oh no that means i was predetermined to suffer, I am now again a higher being's toy,
now I feel sad again, and because of it I feel despair again, now realize you were predetermi-you get the idea.

the best mentality? no, I was trying to make sense of something that is impossible to make sense of, reality itself. and of course
it took me sometime to surrender to the idea. But then my brain being the uncertain prick that it is whenever it gets back up it did another thing

"hey remenber all of those theories that scared you? why don't you try researching them to see how they hold up?"

ever since I had lost faith in god that was my motto, no matter how scary, truth first because it will "hurt less"

so I started to do some research into things and for a while I was okay, nothing that scared me had really ever had basis
other than a few conspiracy theorys and nuts jobs online, until one apperantly got scientific basis, the simulation hypothesis. 

again in college some friends said we had a higger chance of being in a simulation than not, so what did I do? well I researched of course,
and it's true, the odds do not look good, so how does someone in the scientific community react when they hear this?

"cool, that means we are also going to make one and we won't go extinct, science is so wonderfull, this answers all questions about physics
and what not, this opens up the doors to so many possibilities."

how I reacted

"i'm yet again a higher being's toy, they are waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, they are going to torture me for eternity, death will not
exist for me, i'm not going to die only to satisfy whatever desire for pain they have, why was I ever born?"

I know I sound like a crazy paranoid imbecil at this point, but can you blame me? Life has been nothing but unpleasent ever since, why would it brake the cycle?
I was stripped of so many concepts I had grown up with that it couldn't be helped.The universe does not care for us to such up a point that to me it almost makes
it look like it's passively agressive telling me to go **** myself.

no matter how many times I went like 

"well maybe they won't do it." 

"if it is true what's the point of worrying?" 

"who knows, maybe we are not in a computer simulation ;)" -wishful thinking

I always end up worrying and putting myself into a corner where everything in existence is out to get me. I don't even know what life is anymore, some times
I love it, it's great! and then in others i'm actually going around doubting everyone and everything just wanting to die because I realize how defenseless
and lost I am. I never took existence's mystery for granted, just its concepts, and ever since I stopped i'm super skeptical of everthing, I basicaly live
in the land of "what if". Something good happened? well what if...   and it goes on and on and on, there's no room for hope to me anymore.

so why am i telling anyone this? well, because i'm curious. am I the only crazy one who thinks this way? Am I the only one who finds existence itself to be the most
terrying thing in existence? It seems too good to be true at some cases. how doesn't anyone else think about stuff like this? can anyone please explain to me how this doesn't affect you? I realize what's causing me pain is resistance to the idea, i need to surrender to it, but i don't know how. Why doesn't anyone else around me seem to fear reality? Are they blind or are they seeing something i'm not? Most people I see just take it for granted, so I don't know anymore, maybe i'm going insane, that's always a plus.
 

 

[Visitor]

It can be daunting to realize that one is totally responsible for their own life (with or without God). There is nothing to fear about responsibility. It only means that you are response-able, regardless if your response is a poor one or not. Everybody makes poor responses now and again.

So, it is easy to become fearful of making poor decisions, but everybody makes them, and nobody is perfect.

Trying to view existence the same way as everybody else does (each a different version of existence) will throw you off balance. Just focus on what kind of existence you wish to live, that would bring you to your fulfill potential. The closer you get there the more you allow existence, outside of yourself, to be. What becomes important is living (response-able) to your own existence.

[Loreena]

You're over analyzing things and taking it too far.  At this point, only existence should matter to you,  rest all are just concepts.  You are conceptualizing too much which is not bad,  if the concepts help you in your life but It's a futile exercise to first surrender your mind to different concepts and then abandon them when a new concept comes on the horizon. Also do not believe everything on the internet and YouTube videos, a lot of that is baloney anyway.  

Remember nobody is perfect. it's perfectly okay for you to make mistakes. Don't give into too much subjective analysis. Things happen. 

One thing that I can sort of make out from the gist of the post is that you're are appearing to be trying to control your destiny which is bad because a lot that happens in life is influenced by so many many factors that's it's impossible to control aspects of it. It's beyond your reach.  It also seems like you are looking for a security blanket which is pretty conmon while you are young,  but as you mature,  you begin to see how life unravels and that you can only determine the responses to the circumstances but You can't control those circumstances. So there is no security for anything.  The security ever is your own sanity. As long as your mind is in the right place,  you would be able to handle whatever life throws at you,  big or small.  You only have to focus on your path. Take responsibility for yourself. The pain,  insecurity is all arising from a lack of accountability and an inbuilt resistance to self -accountability.  once you overcome this resistance barrier,  you'll realize that nothing ever mattered as much as It did  before.  

Don't try to make a sense of reality.  live it.  Understand that your purpose lies within you.  Take the world at face value.  After a time, nothing would really make any sense except your own purpose and don't feed into ideas that the internet gives you. There's just too much to life for you to figure out in an instant.  if you search,  you'll keep searching forever.  End the search for security. know yourself and begin your journey towards self fulfillment. 

[RichardY]

If there is no "I/you"(Locality?) to have freewill, there is no I to be predetermined either.

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."- Heraclitus.

Having quoted that, if there were something for a man to take, what should it be through life in general? 

[Principium Nexus]

We cannot escape from physics, everything obeys its rules.

But you can escape social conditioning, start to learn how things affect you. How you can optimize your response or do things differently, in that manner there is free will in some degree.

Human life is exactly in the sweet spot, you neither have absolute control nor no control at all. This makes life worth living, it enables suprises, wonder and makes the story much more epic!

Don't worry too much, it doesn't help you any further. Question how you can empower yourself by learning how these systems work. Then you can become a little bit better in writing your own story

[Zephyr]

I use to be a Christian too. That's so cool that you tried searching up those stuffs you were afraid of back then. I did it that too. In fact, I have an ebook Satanism Bible. Same thing as Christianty though. 

Beliefs are just concepts though. Irrelevant to Truth/God. You wont be needing them if you want to take on this journey.

[lens]

I think what bothers me it's the fact that there's no control to be had. I mean the entire human species evolved to have control over nature, and now as a human I realize there's no such thing. But for some reason even when nothing is wrong my brain will still goes like "search this, you're too happy, you should be worried, don't over-look things but do over-think them." and it creates more and more worries for me. I'm actually a little bit uneasy as of now because I found out that apperantly the universe never ends(literaly continues after heat death via quantum stuff so this post has been read an infinite amount of times in an infinite amount of diferent arrangements) and my mind went into a super dark place wanting to end it all because I was convinced i'd be living the same tortured life forever. But at the same time I realize "I" don't exist. There's no me to suffer, I'm not an entity. what's the diference between "me" and the previous version of me? well that's not me, there is no me to be a thing. I'm still a little bit conflicted with existential thoughts, I actually just found another thing to worry about a few hours ago involving a thought experiment which shifted my mood(roko's basilisks, search it if you are okay with scary ideas) but i'm slowly realizing that thoughts are all just ilusions, and that we give them too much power most of the time. I'm not sure if i'll accomplish it but i'll try, and thanks for the replies, means alot to me guys

[Buba]

Hello my friend  

When I was 13 years old (17 years ago), I started to contemplate about life. "What is it?" and etc. I questioned the life, the existence and Allah. What if we were conned? What if Muhammed was a liar? If Islam is true, how will be eternal life in hell or heaven? Who am I? I cant run anywhere away myself. I came to the conclusion that there was no Allah. No extraordinary power. I felt shock and fear. I wish I was not born, because I was completely lost and could not handle the reality. As if the whole existence was squeezing me. On that day my happiness vanished. The following days I contemplated further. I did not have internet or books about it, so I was just thinking and thinking. I remember, once I was so scared, I hugged my mom and said "mom, I am scared, there is no Allah" and she hugged me and cuddled and said "there is". But I did not feel good. I did not feel security in the arms of my mom, which I always felt there. This state continued for a while and I forced myself to believe Allah. I tried not to think about it and believe without questions.

Allah was my safety. I was enjoying my life and finding everything meaningful until that day. Since that day I lost interest in everything and became in autopilot mode. However, I was a good pupil and studying all subjects very well at school. But in the background there was always discomfort. When I was 17-18 there was a kind of break in my existential thoughts, because I focused on my studying as I was preparing for entrance exam to university. As I passed the exam, the existential thoughts came back. I decided read Quran with the hope that I will find the ultimate Truth there and find relief. But as I started to read Quran, I got frustrated a lot, as obviously it was bullshit. Then I surrendered to my thoughts and became an atheist. Afterwards I stopped thinking about these issues so often. 

But I got other thoughts subsequently. As I still was looking for an absolute thing to rely on, a thought came to my mind that I must be brave and should feel no fear. I even tried to stab myself to prove to MYSELF that I am brave. Of course I did not have guts to stab myself, so I again got that discomfort. I was doing different things to prove my courage to myself. When I was not doing these things I was feeling uneasiness in my soul (or psychology). After some time I figured out that this is something abnormal. (It lasted 3 years). I resisted the urges and buried those thoughts. And then I thought that I never had a girlfriend and I never kissed a girl. Before it almost never bothered me. But now I felt discomfort in my soul, and I started to spend a great time and effort to get a girl. When I got a girl (to be honest I got her after two years) I said to myself now I must get second and etc. All was to prove to myself that I was not a loser, my life was not a failure and etc. 

I felt I was not normal and searched internet and saw that my symptoms are OCD.

4 years ago I visited a psychologist after a mental crisis and told her everything what I had went through. She said that I have OCD. That I am looking for control, certainty and absoluteness. I was prescribed antidepressants. She helped me a lot to understand my mental state. But overall I am still not happy and not contended. I still have mental crises and sometimes get existential thoughts as well. Especially when I overcome obsessive thoughts about girls. My mind always finds something to contemplate about.

By the way your case is not your fault and you dont intentionally think about those things. It is also type of OCD. It is your brain.

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=140:to-be-or-not-to-be-that-is-the-obsession-existential-and-philosophical-obsessions&catid=0

[Principium Nexus]

@lens Do you understand that everything you think are just theories and concepts. Even that science says there will be a heat death or that the universe will never end is but an idea.

The truth is we don't know. You can worry about made up things or you can acknowledge their existence, look what is useful and everything that makes your life worse you let it pass.

Don't become to caught up in these things, I clearly see that's where you should mainly focus on. Practice meditation to calm the mind, let these assumption fade for a while and just feel what it is to be alive!

Breath, feel the cold/warmth, be present.

 

[ajasatya]

@lens your story resonates with a very much known one. there's a path to extinguish your existential crisis.

[Riki]

I agree that the Buddha story is illustrative: He was over-protected from suffering and so did not learn to lean on support from others. He was entitled by his expectations that his experience of life "should" go as he thought (ego). He was mortified by the pain. When he could, he joined in all the suffering of the real world and left the world of action and striving. But, in the end, he finally realized the enlightenment (Nirvana) that is the "joyful participation in the sorrows of the world," not in leaving it. Takes serious bravery, huh?

It is frightening to know you are response-able for your own life. We create what we fear to accept in ourselves -- that we alone have to be brave enough to accept the challenge of our own quest and say, "Yes" to this crazy adventure. Who wants to leave the comfort of the womb and go where it hurts? And why do You have to (pretty much alone)? Can't you have your parents or older friend "accept the challenge" for you? (Um, no.) So we create a concept "outside ourselves" to hold our fears, when the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

(Some put their pain and fear into their "parent concept." Some put it into "the government," "authority," etc. Some into their partner... whatever is "not you" is hurting you, right? It couldn't be coming from within you? Inconceivable!)

(Leo said that ego is only a problem when it's a problem. When you are suffering and can't abide the suffering, look to ego for a root to dig up.)

If you accept the suffering as something life has to teach you (with humility -- the learning mind), you can realize life is pain and still joyfully participate in it.

If you are doing this "self-development," actualization stuff (and I'd caution against using something outside you, your relationships, and readings, b/c that other stuff is dangerously not you), you are curating your identity, after all, just with a growing awareness of interconnectedness, and so less friction and aggression. 

I believe there is a reason you are you here (and I am here and each of us is here) with us at this very moment and we couldn't be who we are and evolve without you -- we are all interconnected. So bring your pain, don't be afraid, share it, and receive compassion. And, help someone else.

Adding: Caution on the difference between "what is this suffering teaching me about myself" (healthy and helpful question) and the false assumption that "the universe or god or the matrix is 'out to get me,' 'telling me something.'" It's not. We create our own meaning, our own life.

Replace each sarcastic, unhealthy, self-talk and habit with healthier ones and talk to yourself as you would kindly to a friend. Can't hurt, might help, right?

Edited July 30, 2017 by Riki
Addition and clarification