How To Let Go Of Insecurities & Jealousy?

[Moreira]

Although Leo doesnt like Tyler, this video helped me A LOT to overcome jealousy and menvy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gVX5siXhXM

[Ananta]

On 7/5/2017 at 1:51 PM, Nichols Harvey said:

It might be the environment you grew up in?

When we're little our brains predominant state is theta. We're constantly downloading information about how to live life, and when were exposed to negative environments it becomes a habit and this is what we end up with.  Self criticism.

The way out of it is to understand who put that in you in the first instance. If you can understand where the voice is coming from, Who s voice it is. 

Then deal with the grief. Keep telling your story over and over until you don't need to tell it anymore.

Yep, this is what I did. It was dysfunctional mommy who created inappropriate guilt. In a vicious circle, kinda like the cycle of abuse, but she was verbally abusive, then honeymoon phase, ect

Took years to figure out why I always felt quilty for everything, you'd think it would've been obvious, it wasnt.

Finally, I figured it out. There's much more to the "story", but you get the gist. I had therapy many times in my earlier 20"s, a few times in my 30's.

I'm 47 now, got over my mommy issues awhile ago. Finally, after many warnings of my boundries, mommy had one of her outbursts "your a stupid bitch, I hate you, fuck you!" on Christmas eve (she loves ruining holidays), a year and half ago.

Needless to say, that's the last time I've spoken to her, as I've gone no contact and she's blocked from contacting me. Toxic peeps have no business in my life anymore, no matter there biological relation.

[Guest Annetta]

@Nichols Harvey How did you get to this point?
My family has given me lifelong mental illness that they refuse to acknowledge and then turn it on me like I can magically become "normal", and then punish me by removing services and help that could fix the illness.  It gradually just makes things worse and worse, kind of a prisoner of their emotional states.

How do you appease people like this?
I can't change for them, so I don't know how to make them happy long enough for them not to play this circular tactic and it is destabilizing.  It is starting again after a few months of calm.

Do you have tips on calming Narcissists down?

[Loreena]

6 minutes ago, Nichols Harvey said:

I'm sorry to hear that Anna

Sometimes we just got to cut the chord if it's that bad. 

I try to show my family what it's like to be a healthy person.  I do the exact opposite of what they do lol.

I tollerate. I keep myself in the situation rather than act out their pattern of exploding and then estranging themselves from each other (for years sometimes)

My mother and her mother had this game going on until my grandmother died. They would be both looking for love acceptance and supply from one another and because both of them were narcissists they didn't see or understand the others feelings and scolded each other. Then that would trigger the life long bubbling cauldron of resentment between them and the game would progress to a sinister debilitating nightmare of no contact for years. 

It was horrifying to watch and be part of.  Those memories will never leave me but serve as reminders.

My dads story was he would pay everyone off financially and expect that to be enough. And when he had a grievance that his strategy didn't pay off he would fly into a rage and "wash his hands for the final time" of each of his children. 

All four of us were kicked out of the home at one or several points in our history. 

My mother is the only one he dare not do that to because she had him by the balls when she played her: "If you loved me you would kick them out of the house so I don't have to live in fear" card.

Awful.  The pain never goes away. But what I did do was not act on it anymore.

I just treat them like I want to be treated and keep a safe emotional distance from them.

I'm lucky in that respect. I'm sorry that you were forced to disconnect.

 

you did great 

[Ananta]

1 hour ago, Nichols Harvey said:

Sometimes we just got to cut the chord if it's that bad. 

She's an alcoholic also, so, yeah, bad.

Anyways, sorry for your ordeal with your family also. Seems you've been able to work something out, so you can have contact, but it doesn't affect you anymore. That's great. I tried that for many years, just wasn't in the cards for her to stay in my life. I'm at peace with it. She knows if she ever stops drinking I'll talk to her again. She said, that will never happen. So, she made her choice.

[Ananta]

55 minutes ago, Nichols Harvey said:

Thank you for sharing Anna 

It's one of those karma yoga situations, isn't it? We can try our best with the tools we have to make something work, but some things are just not going to go out way. 

I really believe in that. What a totally sane and graceful attitude. 

One of the many things I learned from James 

Yes, it's definately a karma yoga situation. Either stay struggling in a dysfunctional mess where one is bound to suffer or let the results of  actions take there natural course and be ok with the results. I stopped struggling, stopped trying to change her, stopped asking for her to give...what she's incapable of giving. It's a relief really. I hold no resentment or anger towards her, so it's not like that...I just let her go.

[Ananta]

16 minutes ago, Nichols Harvey said:

I imagine it's a huge burden off of your shoulders!

Absolutely!