I Think I Have Been Enlightened?

[WickedIrish]

I remember two years ago in college after a chemistry exam. I was very tired and happy to have almost aced the test. I went to go sit down on the bench inside our student building (CUB) and I thought about all the mental anguish it took to achieve that goal. All the self-doubt and relentless studying, which was very painful mentally. The only kind of pain that affects me, I have strong physical pain tolerance, I do not take drugs for injuries. 

When I tried to think of the pain as bad, and the results as good. I felt how crazy it was to think either feelings as bad. How could they be? I got lost with this feeling of joy that the mental pain ( something I despise) was actually something beautiful. Mental pain as joy? I felt crazy, the thought was crazy and the feeling so good. How could it be, it just was. I started laughing uncontrollable when I realized that my thoughts were crazy, and if mine was everyone's was. I ran around campus in a state of bliss telling anyone who walked by that they were crazy. I was being completely honest and I thought their weird looks made them lovable idiots.

When I finally stopped running I thought about all the lies we say, anything good or bad with thoughts was pure and utter craziness. Then I found a brick, I could not take my eyes off it. It was amazing, the brick was alive and pure. It unlike all the lovable idiots around me would never lie to me. I felt that, Soak in that crazy thought, I was at peace with crazy and it made perfect sense since it wasn't lying to me. I felt connected like none other, things got even more full when I realized it was all the brinks. All of them were honest friends, and their were so many. I wanted to take them with me, I couldn't but I wanted to fill myself with these bricks and all their wonderful glory. 

Something strange happened next and I am going to do my best to explain it. I realized these feeling of energy was coming from the grass as well. I ran over to the grass and realized this energy was everywhere. It was the most real feeling ive ever had, and I wanted to define it. I wanted to kill it and bottle it, so I went back to brick to *kill* it and realized almost instantly that that was just another crazy thoughts. it confirmed the crazy, which was hilarious. This brick was dead already yet life poured out of it without stopping. I couldn't kill it so I ran around tried to find where it WASN't. I ran around the chemistry building looking and feeling every hallway and room. It was everywhere, boundless..even radiating off of myself and other people. The definition of everywhere. 

I was not trying to be enlightened or happy, I just recognized the craziness of my thoughts. It was so peaceful and I could not stop laughing or telling people they were crazy. Lets chalk this off to a bit of after-exam mania, heres what I cant chalk off. That THING, in everything. I was not looking for it. The definition of not looking for it, i didn't know it existed. Yet I found it clear as day in everything, that energy in everything. I told myself how could it not be real? I found something I wasn't looking for. It felt like the only thing that wasn't crazy and that it would never lie to me.

Very interesting mental state that I had for several weeks. If thats it Leo, I've been there. I  didn't kill my ego either, thoughts were just crazy of any kind. I can excuse mania, but I can't excuse that thing that just appeared in every molecule around me. That brink was beaming with it, and more real than my crazy thoughts. What the hell is that thing that I cant kill or find parameters for, i felt it inside me and everywhere. I couldn't kill it or myself, and crazy enough that dead brink was more alive than i ever thought. I'll accept mania, but that thing was very real whatever it was. 

[WickedIrish]

You really.

The feeling is in everything, including you. I ran around buildings and checked, its everything. I feel you can only make this connection in that state, that sense of belonging. If that brick is dead and it has that much energy, wouldn't my body after death still radiate it? That is a very peaceful conclusion but only made sense then, perfect sense.

[WickedIrish]

 The only way to get back to that state is defiantly not to mediate and kill your ego and listen to Leo. You need to stand up, be happy and go on with your life, even if its crazy. You might find one day that it is crazy wonderful. Seriously thats all I've ever wanted and I think its that simple and I think I've been there before. Don't slow your thoughts, accept them in all there glory and realize that they are weightless. There wont be anything wrong with them then. There wont be anything wrong with anything. I think its that simple, stand up and be in all your glory because you aren't weightless ( 1/8 of a ton actually).

What could possible be better than making that connection? Weird shit might happen but I need to find that thing again. The great thing about that moment was everything was horseshit, even me. I, that brick, and that thing were the only thing that wasn't crazy. 

There was a amazing lesson there I forgot. You need to stop trying, trying means you think something is wrong and needs to change. Why on earth am I on this forum trying to squeeze information and keep track of progress? I've been listening to hours of Leo and jumping into freezing cold rivers. Its just pure crazy. I can't laugh about it like I did before but I can acknowledge that these tactics and heavy thoughts are the exact opposite of understanding insanity. You need to understand the pure insanity of it, I need to, because right now it makes sense and it really shouldn't.

[WickedIrish]

Just now, Pinocchio said:

@WickedIrish 

What is really the stuff in itself that it's all made of, no abstractions. That energy, what is it. Would it really still be there when you're not?

 

How could I explain it? I can't even get a tiny sense of that feeling. I am a Lab tech , I get paid very well to understand matter and sign my name on the bottom of a sheet paper that says this is structural. 1000's of soil tests, 100's of chemical and concrete tests, This is entirely different

[WickedIrish]

You cant, you just have to be

[WickedIrish]

its wonderful

[WickedIrish]

everything you think about or feel will always unwind back to you. Even thoughts about you, you are whats at the end of that unwind.

[WickedIrish]

everything is left, including me. I am right here

Edited February 18, 2016 by WickedIrish

[WickedIrish]

Get rid of reference points, those slow you down. I am right HERE, in the NOW. It feels amazing but its not what I exsperienced

[WickedIrish]

Thank you, but I can't will myself into this. It destroys the moment

 

[Ayla]

@WickedIrish , stop doing what you always did (pushing and striving into an answer) - relax into it. Let go of Mind. Just live the answer you're trying to convey

[Zephyr]

@WickedIrish if you do ever feel any emotions rather than peace -- like astonishment or curiosity do you feel like you are attached to the emotions and feelings? 

[WickedIrish]

Lately Zephyr, I have felt like shit (very attached) and I am too amazing and have accomplished so much in my early twenties that this should not be.

 it felt natural the first time. and it will feel nothing but natural right the fuck now. right the fuck now. You do need to live your answer, right now. When you get your quick moment of no duh,  I wish you all the best of luck in keeping that moment. 

I am still going to go jump in that river tomorrow, theres something down there

[WickedIrish]

Just now, Pinocchio said:

You can't keep it it's there when you stop trying.

Said perfectly

[Amplituda]

I had similar experience on shrooms 20 years ago or so, it's really an eye opener if you just relax and let it be the way it's...no thinking analyzing or any other crap  brain does... really helps in the beginning to grasp how different live can be....

[abrakamowse]

@WickedIrish something similar happened to me, I felt I was connected to everyone. I saw everything more clearly, brighter. I remember I said, I was "dead" now I am really "alive". It's beautiful. 

Good!!

[WickedIrish]

I like to sink off the dock and feel the pressure at the bottom. Your body naturally ex-spells heat rapidly and its quite safe physically. Your aware of something down there

abrak I am glad to hear it, I thought they were all lovable idiots what happened after * the connection* can you go into that more?

Edited February 18, 2016 by WickedIrish

[abrakamowse]

@WickedIrish you can check it here, I posted it in the forum, at the moment I thought it was my mind. Now I see clearly it wasn't

 

 

 

Edited February 18, 2016 by abrakamowse

[jjer94]

I think what you may have found is the "I AM," which is one layer beyond ego. It's that sentient, empty aliveness, right? It's an intrinsic part of sense perceptions, which is everything, really. Pretty amazing when you first see it. 

...But that's not enlightenment. Jed McKenna calls that stage Human Adulthood, or waking up in the dream. 

"Even the sense ‘I am’ is not continuous, though it is a useful pointer; it shows where to seek, but not what to seek. Just have a good look at it. Once you are convinced that you cannot say truthfully about your self anything except ‘I am’, and that nothing that can be pointed at, can be your self, the need for the ‘I am’ is over — you are no longer intent on verbalizing what you are." --Nisargadatta Maharaj

[WickedIrish]

Holy shit you all just spoke to me.

Abrak that sensation? When you realize that words could never explain the feeling (empty sure, why not) and you realized that it was futile to explain because you needed to convey feelings. which you couldn't, you felt the uselessness of words by realizing that feeling is all you will ever have. How could those weightless thoughts be anyone?  You realized words had the same weight, and if thats true, how the hell could you communicate? Someone would have to throw a shoe at you, in total misguided anger sure, for them to have any affect on you. This realization was locked in the bank and they couldnt convince you otherwise with these weightless words hitting you. They (the being)were nothing, but there. The only thing coming out of them was words and those hit you like the lightest wind possible. no wind was there, no thoughts or words could connect due to the weightlessness. Like your thoughts were a hat and you just took it off

 

I am begging for a explanation, that sensation of awareness that I thought I felt. If I was in some sort of mania, I want to know. Those feelings were locked in a bank vault that was separate from me (anything they could hurt). The problem was how do you explain it to them when you say theres no bank in the first place.

I have so much to say, but this says some

Quote

The heightened awareness ended as the influence of the tea subsided, leaving me with the memory of insights translated into a lower level of consciousness. 

Now that says it, now try it with no drugs or anything. I didn't take a goddamn thing but thats what it felt trying to explain it to people. Abrak your sensation, that describes it perfectly. Like you felt everything. That was the peak.

22 hours ago, jjer94 said:

I think what you may have found is the "I AM," which is one layer beyond ego. It's that sentient, empty aliveness, right? It's an intrinsic part of sense perceptions, which is everything, really. Pretty amazing when you first see it. 

...But that's not enlightenment. Jed McKenna calls that stage Human Adulthood, or waking up in the dream. 

"Even the sense ‘I am’ is not continuous, though it is a useful pointer; it shows where to seek, but not what to seek. Just have a good look at it. Once you are convinced that you cannot say truthfully about your self anything except ‘I am’, and that nothing that can be pointed at, can be your self, the need for the ‘I am’ is over — you are no longer intent on verbalizing what you are." --Nisargadatta Maharaj

This hit every nail on the head, this is word for word what a professor told me when I explained it too him. the wake up in the dream, and at first it is the most amazing thing ever. This happened for days, dont laugh but I told everyone this.

Who is the motherfucker?

if thoughts are weightless and I am  tied to my thoughts, I am not my thoughts

If I am not my thoughts, then people are not their thoughts

Then who is the motherfucker? When there is no one.

NO ONE

who is ONE? I cant be one, I am not my thoughts. My body cant be ONE because it is not a motherfucker. It loves me and takes care of me

What is No? No thoughts? No those exist

This describes what I said almost perfectly when that happened.

Using this

Quote

the need for the ‘I am’ is over — you are no longer intent on verbalizing what you are." --Nisargadatta Maharaj

Using that logic I was just one layer away from ego, because look at what I said

It loves me and takes care of me,

I never thought of it that way. There was still a ME even after I saw and felt thoughts for what they were. Nothing. 

that is amazing, this information. I am almost relieved not to have been enlightened. I felt crazy when this sense went away and I dove into drugs for a while and it shifted my life in a negative way. That quote makes so much sense to me, I was just aware and was overpowered by thoughts in the end.