My Adherence To The Four Agreements, Keeping Emotions In Check, And Indetifying Subconscious Behaviors

[5driedgrams]

Good morning and happy Monday!

 

     Brand new to the forum, been listening to Leo's videos for about a year and a half and have been putting principles to use pretty minimally throughout that time. I've been slowly applying myself (and these principles) more and more, and I really believe that journaling is going to be extremely beneficial. I also believe it can be a great way to ease into the hive here and my peers can get insight into where I'm at in my own personal development journey. This Journal is to be a daily record of my adherence to Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don't take anything personally.

3. Don't make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

 

     This journal is also to be a daily record of instances where I did (or did not) react to outside circumstances out of emotion. I will look to my peers for advice in this because in my romantic relationship, I will be "tested" lets say, and will remember that this is the critical moment! Stay calm! Respond, don't react! and our conversation will continue, then there will be another passive aggressive jab (very subtle, she's probably not even conscious of it) and these jabs will chip away until I give way to emotion and am left kicking myself for not remaining calm under all circumstances. This woman has innumerable endearing qualities and I would like her to be the mother of my children (I think... non need to rush that decision though ). These little bouts of bickering/ arguing are small potatoes in comparison to the countless good qualities of our relationship, but I would like us to have a deep developed interdependent transparent relationship where communication is paramount. Sometimes we just can't get over ourselves to remember that we just want to bring the other person comfort and happiness. Anyway, I'm learning how to love someone other than myself and learning what real love for another person is, so this journal will serve to record any epiphanies or gains I may have in this subject.

 

     This journal is to be used to record instances where I have identified and acknowledged unconscious/subconscious behaviors. In my own personal development I am now realizing that a lot of this shit happens without me even realizing it! It's become as instinctual as breathing! Therefore I will be recording them in order to know them better and correct them thereafter.

     This Journal will be recorded in a "When did you abide by the first agreement? When didn't you? What could you do better?" fashion. I will also record other various aspects of my personal development such as my Morning Routine and my Meditation and Mindfulness Practices. As you can probably see, these principles I've placed at the forefront of this journal kind of blend together in certain aspects.

 

     This first journal entry is subject to editing and revision. I look forward to having a platform to record my habits where my peers can review and give advice/constructive criticisms without fear of my precious ego coming under immediate attack. It's kind of like when you are having a conversation with a stranger at an airport bar/lounge you can be pretty honest with them, because when its time to board your flight, you'll never see them again. Kind of like that at least

[5driedgrams]

     Ugh well it's Tuesday 7/4 and I'm trying to find the best time for journal entries. Probably should have been last night but I got home late and ended up in a pretty big fight with my girlfriend (over the phone... she flew out to see her parents for the week and left me to take care of her cats and garden... more on that later). I suppose I'll do a quick summary of my day then I'll go ask myself if I stuck by these principles and where I could improve. 

 

     I set my alarm for six and woke up briefly. Fell back asleep and woke up at seven. I have to be at work at 8:30 so I pretty much shot myself in the foot as far as morning meditation and stretching is concerned. I got up and showered and tried to get some affirmations out while I was showering. It was rushed. Brushed my teeth and got dressed. My basic routine wasn't too rushed and that was nice because rushing in the morning is not fun for me.

 

     I clocked in at 8:31. I do sales and events for a hotel so I grabbed my water and coffee and went up to my office. I listened to Leo's video on jealousy, his video on self image, his video on self esteem and his video on the subconscious mind. I'm not too too jealous of a person, but it does happen and I like to get new ideas on that type of thing to see if maybe I'm more jealous than I let myself believe. My self esteem is pretty good too but it's nice to get a closer look. Being impeccable with my word is something I need to work on, so I kept in mind that I should just not say anything if its not going to be true, useful, and good. <--- gonna have to continue to keep that in mind lol. 

 

     The housemen (janitors) at the hotel called out and so housekeeping needed help and the general manager asked if I had a achange of clothes and wanted to help with them. He's a great leader who is always helping all other departments and so I finished all my sales work and calls and emails etc and got changed and helped. It was nice to be there for them when they needed it and I selfishly did it so that I may look better in the eyes of my boss and coworkers, but I also did it because I like to help. 

 

     I got off at 5 and picked my little brother up from his house. He is a recovering heroin addict (like myself) who has about 5 months clean and is living in a recovery house a few miles from my house. He came over to play pool with some girls. He has a girlfriend who I do not like and I wish my brother would see that there are better girls out there for him, so I supported his decision to hang out with these girls. 

 

     I grow mushrooms in my home and was doing some work with them while they played pool. The girls brought beer and weed over and I was a little worried about my brother letting himself be around that but I didn't do or say anything about it. Maybe I should take a closer look at allowing him to be around my mushroom stuff, although I have no actual mushrooms at the moment. He and the girls go get something to eat and I stay behind as my jars of rye berries are in the middle of being sterilized. 

 

     I left my house at 10:30 to stop by this party that some friends were at. I owe one of these friends money so I was coming by to give it to him. I end up seeing some people I haven't seen in lie 10+ years so I stayed til about 1:20. 

 

     Now its time to go to my girlfriends house to feed her cats. Her oldest cat has been licking and swallowing his fur and instead of hacking up a hairball, it constipates him. So I've been giving him laxatives per her request. We FaceTime and She asked me to water her garden so I went outside to get the watering can and filled it up in the sink. She asked if it was full as I was walking down the back steps and I said yes. She asked if she could see that it's full via FaceTime and I said no that I said it was full and she can just trust that it's full. She got pissed and hung up on me. Over reaction if you ask me, but sometimes I do say something is one way and it ends up that it's not that way, although I was sure it was when I said it. So I can see where she's coming from. I don't call her back. She ends up calling me back and is all up in arms cuz I wouldn't show her the can and she says that I don't care what she wants and that I want to do things my way. I say I obviously care cuz I'm out here at 2am watering your garden. While she's berating me I water her garden. Then she says "what are you watering in there?!" I said the plants... she said only some plants need To be watered and starts going off again. She says Nevermind I knew I couldn't trust you to do what I asked blah blah. I had been drinking and wasn't really happy about hearing her say all this so I got a little snippy back at her. It blew up into her crying and saying that she's already been looking for plane tickets to come home early cuz she can't trust me to do things for her (although I've been feeding her cats every morning and night for the past 3 days). I tried to stay calm and apologized for not showing her the can, which very well might not have been all the way full, but in my mind I'm thinking "she is taking this stuff way too far, I mean we're talking about a difference of a few cups of water! And these plants aren't going to die from a few cups difference!" I tell her she's overreacting and that our emotions are the cause of this argument. The whole thing could've gone smoother but that's what I hope to get out of this journal. This morning she called and said that shes sorry for yelling and that she started her period this morning (which explains some of it, her periods are pretty potent lol, but it doesn't necessarily excuse it). Awhile after it had cooled down I calmed myself by remembering that we are all trying to figure out how to be a human and that we will grow from this bull crap (hopefully) and keep moving forward.

 

1. Were you impeccable with your word? Describe.

     I would say that for the most part of the day I stayed pretty impeccable with my word. I remembered not to say anything unless it is true, useful and good, and I quickly realized how lovely it is for me to be silent. I'm already wondering if my peers will notice that I am not talking as much, even though it has only been a day. The argument at the end of the night tested me thoroughly, and although I tried to keep ill-will out of my thoughts and mouth, I could still feel it in my tone.

2. Did you take anything personally? Describe.

     I definitely took every jab that my girlfriend threw at me personally. Taking things personally is certainly a habit of mine. It always happens at that critical moment... I'll keep in mind not to take anything personally all day, then in the critical moment, I take X personally. I could feel the argument with her coming about and tried to remember "patience! take things lightly! deal in facts!" but after so many jabs I started getting defensive. I'm realizing that it is my decision to let these things attack my fragile ego, and that I get defensive because when she's upset, I feel like I might lose her, and therefore feel like my comfort and security are at risk, but I know that this is all a culmination of my learned behaviors and mechanisms etc, and I should probably just go with the flow and do my best and things will work out how they're supposed to, however that may be.

3.  Did you make any assumptions? Describe.

     I'm sure my day was rife with assumptions that I didn't even know I was making. I'm sure I had assumptions about my brother (assuming he was in a good enough place in his recovery to be around weed and beer etc) and maybe I assumed my girlfriend was behaving the way she was because of x y and z (either she feels she can treat me like this, or she doesn't even realize she's doing it, etc) I need to remember that my mind filters and distorts information every second of every day. I know that I make assumptions, but I think I may be more focused on the first agreement to catch every assumption I make.

4. Did you do your best? Describe.

     I did not do my best when I woke up, I ended up letting myself slack and go back to sleep. I did my best at work, allowing myself to be utilized all over the hotel. I may have been able to do better when I interacted with my brother, but I am learning as I go. I did my best for awhile during the argument with my girlfriend, but gave way to pettiness and passive aggressiveness. Again, I am too convcerned with the first agreement to keep track of if I'm always doing my best. Not yet at least.

Did you react to outside circumstances out of emotion? Describe.

     I definitely did at the end of the night. During the argument I noticed the part that my consuming alcohol played in my reaction to my outside circumstances. A passing thought was, "this would be easier if I hadn't been drinking" which then turned into "I should try to not drink during the week, or as much at all" When I hung up the phone with her, I did have a moment of calm... and not just because I wasn't listening to her any more, but because I told myself that I do not NEED to be in a relationship, so if she wants to leave me over this crap, then let her. It's for the best anyway. I fell asleep pretty easily. The alcohol may have helped there.

 

Did you notice any unconscious/subconscious behaviors? Describe.

     I took note of certain subconscious behaviors that I already knew were subconscious, I.e. brushing my teeth etc, and did notice some that I didn't already know were subconscious, i.e. driving my car . I tried to note any subconscious behaviors when arguing with my girlfriend, but things were happening so fast and the alcohol didn't help, so I couldn't notice any, although I'm sure they were there.

 

Well this first journal entry is long as fuck. Hopefully my next one is not as lengthy, and hopefully I can find a more efficient way of recording my daily events as they happen, and a more efficient way of putting them into a journal entry. I have wasted I don't even know how much time at work writing this entry haha.

 

Thanks for bearing with me.