Exhausting Suffering

[Arkandeus]

lately I'm getting the feeling that I can simply sum up my path of enlightenment as exhausting my suffering. 

I tried to run away from it, to chase pleasure, then I starting sitting with it, then I started accepting it. 
throughout the process and being more conscious I had unfulfilled desires where the pain was so deep
I can only sum it up as making you want to throw up. a disgusting pain 

but suddenly I have moments where the same things that used to trigger me don't really reach me as much as before. 

as you become honest with yourself and become more conscious of your desires, becoming more conscious of you not having what you want, becoming
more conscious of the conditions you set on your life in order to love it,
which leads you to earnestly go after what you want with full devotion and willpower, and still you don't get what you want
the pain that comes out of this is immense, and pure
it is not the sort of suffering I used to have before when I was depressed of life but I was running away and the pain was catching me

in this method you face life head going after what you love and you feel the immense pressure of the conditions you set on your life

I couldn't keep track in any way but I'm pretty sure I suffered in the past months more then I've suffered my entire life, it was pretty much filled with suffering, yet the good moments inbetween kept me going. the progress that I saw gave me faith  

 
this pure pain is special, it is really different, when you really stop running away from all your problems in life, when you really give it a hundred percent to become happy and you encounter how it just doesn't work out, it hurts so much it almost feels good sometimes...
because it hurts,but it feels like my chest is getting less tangled,less tense, and sometimes it hurts so much I legit almost lose consciousness which means I get absorbed in the present moment...I get unconscious about who I am and where I am, I basically lose my conscious ego, and that single second of not keeping track feels good, suddenly I feel refreshed and I'm like hold on I'm starting to get good feelings out of suffering

I feel like this is a part of the process, you can't not chase,I can't help but going after what I think makes me happy, I can't just decide to be happy with nothing,the lesson has to be learned the hard way. 

and it is this conscious striving that lets us meets disappointment and suffering head-on, the suffering has only been becoming more and more intense. 

in a sense I'm sensing that suffering is a feeling that most of us aren't fully feeling, most of us run away from it, but if you can manage to fully surrender and accept it, it can be felt to such a degree that it becomes exhausted.  
but this is hours and hours and weeks of suffering....its absolutely necessary to meditate and quiet the mind, if I kept track of my suffering I would've gone nuts.
the ability to forget that you suffered is amazing in this
things are really starting to have less effect on me, it's like slowly this sense of ''not caring'' is starting to dawn upon me.  and the void that suffering leaves get slowly filled with joy

 

 

 

 

[nightrider1435]

Damn this sounds like my path in a nutshell too. Flat out just let the suffering exhaust itself out. You get better with accepting it, being it, loving it, as time goes on. You reach a point where running from it is impossible, you literally don't have a choice but to face it all. Feels like a weight beginning to lift off my shoulders.