Dealing With Terminally Ill Family Member

[Revolutionary Think]

Someone in my family has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and he's in the ICU right now with a machine helping him breathe. I feel sorry for him but, I know that it's not going to help him. I keep thinking to myself what was going through his mind before this happened to him and I hope he's at peace if he does pass away and doesn't come back. I kept thinking to myself what would an enlightened person do if someone he or she loved was terminally ill or they themselves were terminally ill. Would they have the mental capacity to not feel sadness? I know that torturing myself thinking about how he was such a nice person and didn't deserve it isn't going to transfer itself into helping him out yet, that's what most people do regardless. It's such a terrible position to be in really. Or maybe I should just sit with the grief and know it's OK to feel this way and when he does pass it's the ultimate liberation anyway because then as Leo said we don't exist and once we realize we don't exist we are truly liberated. I'm wondering if once people pass away they become that absolute infinity that Leo was talking about. 

Long time ago I myself was fighting with the fact that everybody goes one day. I keep thinking about what's waiting for me or us on the other side. Now it just got a little more personal because this family member of mine is middle aged a bit on the older side and I feel really bad for him. It makes me more self-conscious though that I shouldn't take my life for granted and live it to the fullest. Maybe life is the dream and death is finally waking up. (I've had a couple of dreams where I died and woke up after it). This family member of mine never wanted to really bother anyone with the way he was feeling. He also had a lot of pride when it came to people helping him and really wanted to fight the cancer. The chemo therapy damaged his immune system and that's what (I think) led him to the ICU. They're saying there's a chance that the machine can remove what ever it is in his lungs to help him breathe with out it but, it's unlikely. I wish there was something I can do but, I'm not a doctor or magician. I remember sending his kids a text saying that I hope he feels better and that they are like a brother and sister to me because we grew up together. I know that I'm not alone in this because even in Leo's episode where he talked about evil existing he admitted he wouldn't know how to react exactly if some loon killed his entire family. It's easy to talk about all this stuff in theory but, when it actually happens it really kind of hits you like a ton of bricks. That's why I think getting used to loneliness is so important. Anyway I just thought I'd get this off my chest into the self actualized community. I really don't know what else to say. 

[Max_V]

I think when a loved one is terminally ill, there will always be a feeling of sadness.

The difference between someone enlightened is that he is not identified with the emotion. He is aware of this emotion but still feels the deep underlying peace of being. 

It is never easy when something like this happens, my wishes to you. I hope that your loved one finds peace. 

[Visitor]

9 hours ago, Revolutionary Think said:

...I kept thinking to myself what would an enlightened person do if someone he or she loved was terminally ill or they themselves were terminally ill. Would they have the mental capacity to not feel sadness?

...Or maybe I should just sit with the grief and know it's OK to feel this way...

... It makes me more self-conscious though that I shouldn't take my life for granted and live it to the fullest. Maybe life is the dream and death is finally waking up. (I've had a couple of dreams where I died and woke up after it).

...It's easy to talk about all this stuff in theory but, when it actually happens it really kind of hits you like a ton of bricks. That's why I think getting used to loneliness is so important. Anyway I just thought I'd get this off my chest into the self actualized community. I really don't know what else to say. 

I've done palliative care counselling for a few years. It's okay to be sad, its is a feeling we have for the other person who may be suffering, and we wish that they were not. It is, in this case, a loving expression of empathy. How to be with somebody who is dying? Love them with all your heart.

Grief and loss is a natural process needed to be allowed to happen. It is also a loss for the grieved, it is losing a part of our own identity from the family member.

Being with somebody who is dying scares a lot of people, for it reminds them of their own mortality. It makes them realize that life is indeed precious. Also, for those that actually do home palliative care, with the daily aid of palliative care nurses, are in a unique position. For it is more than likely they will be with the person when they die. This is a precious gift, given by the dying, on facing death. 

I understand about loneliness in regards to having no more family around you. I have been in that situation for the last 30 years. However, I've had a few close calls in my life where I was not sure if I will live to see the next day. It was quite confronting, especially being alone and nobody to get you to the hospital, or even making that phone call. Also, if I am to die, with another person present, I hope to give that person the gift of dying peacefully.

Thanks for sharing this thread for it has given me a reminder of my past vocation and how I feel blessed to have done so. 

[Revolutionary Think]

Unfortunately this terminally ill family member has passed away. We are going to miss him. 

[Revolutionary Think]

@Leo Gura said that a true hero is one who sacrifices himself and in the end does away with the illusion. So it brings me some comfort that in the end he cared for so many people and that took a toll on him. He sacrificed himself for so many people so he is a true hero. 

When I didn't have a car and my mom and dad were bickering about it he took initiative and thought to himself that it wasn't fair for me to take all those driving lessons, have my license, and live in a place that needed a car which I didn't have. He came with me and my mother to the dealership negotiated for the car and gave the down payment. That is a man of dignity and compassion. I just wished he took more care of his health so we could keep him longer but, then again you never know. Like you said @jimrich he's in a better place now with no more pain and suffering. May he be in bliss and peace.