Please Help: I Feel Like Complete Trash

[2000]

Is pursuing higher consciousness supposed to hurt? Is the immense emotional labor and pain a byproduct of growth? I want my ego to dissolve and my monkey mind to quiet. I am able to stop thinking and be present; the more I do this the greater my peace of mind becomes. However, after the peace subsides I feel worse than I have in years. I am also working on cutting out varying addictions. 

I read a quote somewhere that enlightenment is a very destructive and painful process.

Is the pain a sign of "progress". Is this the ego attempting to defend itself from destruction?

Edited June 29, 2017 by 2000

[nightrider1435]

Your doing good. Yeah it can be painful, but it is a sign that your growing. 

[S33K3R]

Becoming more aware is like taking a 1981 computer and trying to run windows 10 on it. Computers are hardware so they crash due to system over load. But with us, were different. Our biology responds and creates new pathways. Its exhausting very exhausting. Just like all other things in life that involve growth are exhausting. This is more exhausting though because nobody really does this, so there is no feeling like its normal or catching up to the group. You are on your own and you desire this new shift in consciousness. You will have to keep pushing to make it happen. You will become less and less exhausted over time. Take breaks if it is too much. This is not a race. Its a ride Enjoy the scenery too.

[Prabhaker]

@2000

Growth is painful because you have been avoiding a thousand and one pains in your life. By avoiding, you cannot destroy them – they go on accumulating. You go on swallowing your pains; they remain in your system. That’s why growth is painful: when you start growing, when you decide to grow, you have to face all the pains that you have repressed. You cannot just bypass them.

You have been brought up in a wrong way. Unfortunately, until now, not a single society has existed on the earth which has not been repressive of pain. All societies depend on repression. Two things they repress: one is pain, the other is pleasure. And they repress pleasure also because of pain. Their reasoning is that if you are not too happy you will never become too unhappy; if joy is destroyed you will never be deep in pain. To avoid pain, they avoid pleasure. To avoid death, they avoid life.

And the logic has something in it. Both grow together – if you want to have a life of ecstasy you will have to accept many agonies. If you want the peaks of the Himalayas then you will also have the valleys. But nothing is wrong with the valleys; your approach just has to be different. You can enjoy both – the peak is beautiful, so is the valley. And there are moments when one should enjoy the peak and there are moments when one should relax in the valley.

The peak is sunlit, it is in a dialogue with the sky. The valley is dark, but whenever you want to relax you have to move into the darkness of the valley. If you want to have peaks you will need to grow roots into the valley – the deeper your roots go, the higher your tree will grow. The tree cannot grow without roots and the roots have to move deep into the soil.

Pain and pleasure are intrinsic parts of life. People are so much afraid of pain that they repress pain, they avoid any situation that brings pain, they go on dodging pain. And finally they stumble upon the fact that if you really want to avoid pain you will have to avoid pleasure. That’s why your monks avoid pleasure: they are afraid of pleasure. In fact, they are simply avoiding all possibilities of pain. They know that if you avoid pleasure then naturally great pain is not possible; it comes only as a shadow of pleasure. Then you walk on the plain ground; you never move on the peaks and you never fall into the valleys. But then you are living dead, then you are not alive.

Life exists between this polarity.  This tension between pain and pleasure makes you capable of creating great music; music exists only in this tension.  Destroy the polarity and you will be dull, you will be stale, you will be dusty.  You won't have any meaning and you will never know what splendor is.  You will have missed life.  One who wants to know life and live life has to accpet and embrace death.  They come together, they are two aspects of a single phenomenon.  

That's why growth is painful.  You have to go into all those pains that you have been avoiding.  It hurts.  You have to go through all those woulnds that somehow you have managed not to look at.  But the deeper you go into pain, the deeper is your capacity to go into pleasure.  If you can go into pain to the uttermost limit, you will be albe to touch heaven.

...To be free of pain the pain has to be accepted, inevitably and naturally.  Pain is pain--a simple, painful fact.  Suffering, however, is only and always the refusual of pain, the claim that life should not be painful.  It is the rejection of a fact, the denial of life and of the nature of things.  Death is the mind that minds dying.  Where there is no fear of death, who is there to die?

...Growth is facing the reality, encountering the fact, whatever it is.  And let me repeat:  pain is simply pain; there is no suffering in it.  Suffering comes from your desire that the pain should not be there, that there is something wrong in pain.

~OSHO, "Being in Love", pages 70-72

[Joseph Maynor]

Yes.  My first big enlightenment experience was followed by a lot of pain, negative emotions, anger, and depression.  The enlightenment experiences after that were less disruptive to me in that sense.  The first one was hard because I basically came to the realization that my self didn't exist.  And I was angry at myself for clinging to that self for so long, and I was angry that I had held myself back in life by internalizing weaknesses in my self-image.  You gotta get through it though.  It took about a week for me.  Don't cling to the idea that you are depressed or angry.  That will make it worse.  Try not to label yourself.  Just accept the negative emotions fully and try and release them.  Become mindful of your dwelling on these emotions.  When they pop into your consciousness, acknowledge it -- oh this is a negative emotion -- and then try and let the emotions go.  You can release the negative emotions in this way.  Note, label, savor, and then release.  Repeat this.  Don't consider the emotions as yours.  Think of them as like trees, as aspects of reality.  You can look away from a tree or release a tree from your consciousness.  And you wouldn't consider the tree to be part of you.  Well, you can do the same thing with emotions.  They're just phenomena in reality that you are aware of, not yours and not attached to you.  Don't try to block or bury the emotions either, that will just make them bigger and last longer.    Accept and release.  Say -- oh, this is an emotion.  Let me look at it.  Ok, it's just an emotion.  It's not me.  I don't have to identify with it.  Could I release this emotion?  Will I release this emotion?  When will I release this emotion?  Ask yourself this set of questions.  Then try and release the emotion.  I think this is called the Sedona Method.  If the emotion comes back up, repeat this algorithm.  Remember, no trying to bury or block emotions.  Releasing is different from blocking.  Releasing is you savor the emotion fully, acknowledge what it is, and then try and let it go.  Let it in fully, and then detach from it.  Over and over and over again.  Eventually the emotions will stop haunting you.    

Edited June 30, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Ananta]

@2000 The painful aspect is the ego seeing how damn stupid it is..lol. How needy, self rightous, defensive, ect. It's painful to realize this is what you've identified as... But, you must see it, to eventually go beyond it.

[Guest Annetta]

Yeah it's like licking fire..

I think that it could be a sign of progress for sure.  The pain gets old eventually.  
Then it seems there are little bits of happiness here and there.
And then it gets worse again for a while.
They say not to resist it... but that's difficult, too.
Maybe in a few weeks/months things will get better for you?  

[cetus]

  @2000 When the time comes for you to see through the illusion of the suffering of ego, you will laugh along with the universe Trust that it can happen if you allow it. It is the shining light at the end of the tunnel. Or should I say- beginning light at the end of the tunnel. Transcending the ego opens a whole new door to a universe of infinite beingness. Everything becomes you as consciousness.

[Adam M]

@2000 Read: Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha

When I experienced the dark night I felt just like you are feelings...it is a sign of progress...don't stop meditating or you may get stuck feeling like trash forever!

[krazzer]

@2000 How do you feel the day after an intense body workout? Hurting all over te place.

Consciousness work is no different. 

[John Iverson]

16 hours ago, 2000 said:

Is pursuing higher consciousness supposed to hurt? Is the immense emotional labor and pain a byproduct of growth? I want my ego to dissolve and my monkey mind to quiet. I am able to stop thinking and be present; the more I do this the greater my peace of mind becomes. However, after the peace subsides I feel worse than I have in years. I am also working on cutting out varying addictions. 

I read a quote somewhere that enlightenment is a very destructive and painful process.

Is the pain a sign of "progress". Is this the ego attempting to defend itself from destruction?

To conquer everything is not easy.. that if you want to pursue it tomorrow is the day... uhm? It is a long process.. so first, settle down your issues... one by one you can't able to heal all your issues.. it is something you should look forword to..  one by one okay? You can do it.. in every issues there is a tool to work for it... if the case is all issues are settled down.. then pursue enlightenment.. just sit and meditate...  there are mny techniques that will suites you... if you're hurt just love yourself don't push yourself it is not the nature it is the monkey mind, listen to your body always... you can do it.. !!! I believe in youuu

[2000]

Thanks everyone. I woke up this morning very pissed off and frustrated. I am considering these emotions a sign of growth.

Edited June 30, 2017 by 2000

[Leo Gura]

@2000 If you're doing your practices, there will be all sorts of emotional highs and lows. Just keep doing you practices and really emphasize MINDFULNESS of the emotions. Try to become the passive witness of them. Especially the really negative stuff. So you sit there and observe, "Oh yeah... my mind is acting really pissed off right now.... Okay... I guess that's what it wants to do... Let me observe where this goes... Kinda interesting... Do I want to feel pissed off? No? Then why am I making it happen? How silly..."

Massive, massive mindfulness! Over and over and over again, because there will be lots of forgetfulness in you.

[Nahm]

@2000 u might already be in great shape for all i know... but otherwise...i remember being where u are, i remember waking up instantly a pissed off total asshole for a while.  i put it into fitness and lost 50 pounds. An hour of cardio alone listening to some ratm will clear out adrenaline & cordisol ( the anger chems) and flood u with dopamine, oxytocin, etc (the feel good chems)

don't stop the practices whatever you do.  double down on them.   it's the most worthwhile adventure possible!! have trust / faith in the well being of the universe that you are tuning into. you're inbetween stations right now so there's a lot of static.  the next channel is so sweet tho!!!!

[Natasha]

@2000 Sounds like he went through what you're going through. Check it out

 

Edited July 1, 2017 by Natasha

[AlwaysBeNice]

It's because you are stuffed with suppressed emotions, and you had to create unnatural masks to hide them.

When you stop they start to come up as they normally would, but the system is going: 'uhh, no, no no, bad bad bad, avoid!' which pulls you back and forth. So yeah, it's a sign of progress.

You can diagnose how much you carry around and see that this is the case by scanning the spine for chronically tense muscles that hurt when you press them, this can also be used therapeutically.

Things that I find especially helpful, aside from just going within and carefully observing and owning what you have, are learning to feel really compassionate/sorry for yourself and being in places where you are not afraid to cry or make sound.

 

[Azrael]

@Prabhaker I love your Osho quotes. Always an interesting perspective.