Writings Journal

[Scarwolf]

Hey! i want this to hopefuly become somewhere i can write down thoguhts my mind is always thinking about. I am what i consider an overthinker, and yes i know thats bad but i try to justify it saying that is better stuff than what most people think about. Anyways, topics will be varied, and may extend in size. You can comment on any of them and tell me if i should even make them a topic on the forums. Anyway, Thanks for passing by!! (Also, this is an experiment on myself: I have been somewhat interested in writing, since i find it almost natural to write stuff and make rhymes, so i shall find if i want to take writing further with this journal)

Edited June 29, 2017 by Scarwolf
Gramatic Mistakes :D

[Scarwolf]

Self-Inflcited "Depression"

After a few months of me observing this phenomenon on myself, and even Identifying it on another person, i will try to talk about it here and describe it.

So for myself, this happens randomly, but is usually triggered by sad music or situations in general. The thing is, i, knowing that depression IS self inflicted and that one can easily bump out of it (dont have it myself), sometimes, i just want to get kinda depressed. It is really weird, i start listening to sad music, closing windows so its all dark and just sit in bed and contemplate about bad stuff that happened to me or things that would make me sad while drinking a beer or using a vaporizer. It really is quite a weird experience even more when it happens at school, what i would do is just listen to music with a hidden earbud and not talk to anyone, not even friends when they where asking me if i was okay. It feels almost mindless, and it is even weirder when you know that depression brings nothing good. Sometimes i justify it thinking "well, you cant always have good times" or stuff in that sense.

Am i the only one this happens to?

 

Edited June 29, 2017 by Scarwolf

[Scarwolf]

Lo-Fi Music

While listening to it i get various feelings. From calmness, to depression, to sleepyness, thoughtful. I would be very interested on some sort of FRI Scan of a brain while listening to this music, if you havent tried i highly suggest it. link to get you started:

(all videos of that channel are good)

In short, its a genre with no vocals, mostly repetitive rythms and constant beats and melodies, usually adding in a couple of voice recordings at the beginning or rain sounds, very good.

[Scarwolf]

Meaning

It really think a lot about meaning. Does our lives mean anything? Are we alone in the universe?

Probably i should just go study existencialism.

(obviously not a radical change of topics)

Before i used to cherish science a lot. I was and still am subscribed to almost any good science channel in youtube, and i love learning new and interesting facts. Ever since i heard (not sure if it was leo) that science isn't all there is, and that in fact it could all be wrong, i take it all with maybe more than a pinch of salt. Once i watched this amazing Veritasium video:

It really struck me and stuck with me. It was the first time i saw the almost spiritual and Emotional thoughts of a Scientific mind. That is something that most science really underestimates is emotion. And, this video talks about stuff i thought about, like the meaning of it all (I am 15 btw.)So thinking on it now is just like what i was before (If you can have a before im talking 1-3 years a go since well 15 years is not much time) A scientific-kinded guy with that sort of mindset. The overthinker, the nihilist, the Deeper. I of course still am that way, just with not that much science anymore. He almost answered the question i posed above, quote: "Wee may not have a meaning on the grand picture of the universe, but we make meaning ourselves with eachother" and now i start to doubt that. What do you think about that? If you know the answer to this ultimate questions, i´ll gladly read your answers.

[Scarwolf]

a lil somethin

"I finish talking to the girl.She loved me. I didn't. I did at first, she didn't then, tables turned. I am hit with the feeling i've had for around 2 years: Loneliness. I could have accepted her. I could've loved her. Even if i didn't truly feel anything, i could at least get a crutch. But i couldn't. My beliefs couldn't let me harm her more.

I go outside. It's dark. My head explodes with thoughts and this SID, I talked about above. (Self-Induced depression). Overthinking, my cat comes and sits besides me."Hm. Animals are truly blessed, they don't have to put up with Systemic-loneliness, SID, Overthinking. They just are themselves, effortlessly" i think to myself. I sit there for a while. The world continues to move. I have to do the same. It's what we are born for: Adapting.

The loneliness feeling doesn't really go away. It just lingers in the back of my mind, silent, lethal.

I shall probably fall asleep. Final tomorrow. No studing. Have to keep up with a rigged and bad school system. Notes have gone down, not surprisingly.

Again, the moon still shines. The trees still grow. The streams still flow. I, however, still have other thoughts in my mind.

Edited June 30, 2017 by Scarwolf