How Do I Know What Book I Should Be Reading?

[kieranperez]

Okay. I've been really stuck in figuring out what book I should be reading regarding where I'm at with this stage of my life. Or at least what kind of book I should be reading regarding the subject matter. I keep bouncing from one book to another after being only a couple chapters in where I'm like 'this isn't what I should be putting my focus in right now,' where I then bounce to another. 

I have so many phenomenal books on my shelf that it almost makes it hard to decide which one is best for where I'm at in my life. Part of my it like, 'Dude, just start!' I just don't know though.

Right now in my life I just feel so lost and in my head but am severely depressed. I'm 22 and still living at home and am on 5 different medications which don't really do anything for me it feels like at this point. My parents are divorcing now and I'm in a toxic household with my dad. No college degree and am just so damn miserable because I know I'm intelligent but I just don't have any practical skill sets which has me feeling like a loser but I don't know where to go from here anymore. I'm in a low end stupid pizza delivery service job which feels humiliating because I KNOW I'm so much more than this. I feel so lost with my life that my sport doesn't fulfill me anymore (I'm a sub/elite cross country track athlete and road racing middle/long distance runner). Before, I just felt this fulfilling fuel to want to get myself to the pinnacle of what I'm capable of. I just woke up every morning and couldn't wait to go out the door and love what I do and feel free and just get the most out of my potential. After close to 10 years of failing in my sport though and in school and pretty much in life it feels like, I just don't do anything anymore. I'm angry all the time and just depressed because I just feel like I've had all the motivation sapped from me and I don't know what to do anymore nor what I really want to do anymore or what I can do...

With this in mind, do any of you have any suggestions?

[Toby]

What exactly are these 5 medications and what are they for?

[kieranperez]

@Toby

1. Adderall (20 mg XR) - ADHD; I was tested for 6 months back in 2001 so it wasn't some quick diagnosis or anything. So I'm glad I at least know that it wasn't some BS diagnosis that didn't have thought put into it.
2. Abilify - Same answer as put for Lamicitil. PROBLEM: getting off this medication is very hard. My psyche goes into severe withdrawal after 2 days without it. I can hit random out of the blue extreme border suicidal lows. I've talked about this with my psychiatrist and have been told that when I get off it I should be fine because I'm already at such a low dosage (5 mg)
3. Lamictil (200 mg) - Don't even know anymore to be honest. Psychiatrist already plans on tapering me off this though which is good.
4. Lithium (600mg, my blood tests show that I have barely any in my system so I'm only on a TINY dose despite what may seem like a high dosage just from looking at the number) - To reduce my manic depressive lows
5. Prozac (60 mg) - Handling depressive lows (although I honestly don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it)

Sometimes Seroquil but that's in case of hypomanic episodes

[Christian]

@kieranperez

The books you should be reading should be in alignment with your top 10  values and the context you find yourself in in life . Your values and life circumstances can certainly change and that means what you read is also subject to change. I also reccomend that you create a strong vision for your life and find your life purpose. 

You already state that you have a bunch of high quality books, but you never quite seem to finish them. Well, try somedaily meditation practice. Meditation is a key stone habit which means it affects other areas of your life. Including your ability to focus. Meditation also increases your will-power which means it will be easier for you to build healthy habits in the future. 

I will end by saying that the key to all success in life is learning. If you learn the right things and you learn them early, that will set an extremely strong foundation for your life. 

What are some things you should be learning about? 

Psychology, self-help, philosophy,  meditation and enlightenment, nutrition and fitness, business and marketing, relationships, sexuality and biographies. 

Strategize on which topics you should spend more or less time studying. Maybe enlightenment is not the main priority for you right now. Fine, then maybe it will be in  5 years when you have mastered business and marketing regarding your life purpose. 

[S33K3R]

You are overwhelmed.

You have chosen to distract your mind with new information but it is no longer working. Your depression refuses to be ignored. Meditation is what I would do if I was you. Your intuition knows what is best that is why meditation is best. You need to listen to your inner self. They talk very quietly. 

As far as the medication it will be difficult to figure that out as some of those medications are highly addictive and many of them alter consciousness. 

I know for me I would have a very hard time pinning down my awareness with just aderol. 

[Toby]

I would study the side effects and really investigate what you need and what would be more beneficial dropping. Other than that what is your interest here? Is it more about self-expression and "actualization" or "enlightenment"?

[kieranperez]

@S33K3R you sir I think hit the nail on the head...

[kieranperez]

@Toby that's exactly why I'm so frustrated with meditation and consciousness work! No I don't have scientific evidence and studies to back up the claim that they alter consciousness but heres what I do have... 16 years of being on medication starting off with ADHD medication. No I'm not one of those Anti Big Pharm guys that resents medication. There was a time where I think they helped. However, I am so reliant on them now that if I don't take my adderall before noon, I don't have energy to do anything. I'm exhausted, flustered, my mind is off somewhere else, etc. I can't even get out of bed. I just downright can't function normally without scary side effects days after being off that don't really give me another option other than to go back on without leading to a serious mental episode.

[S33K3R]

@kieranperez if you would like a meditation technique that will help. Every 3 minutes become aware. Ask yourself am I aware? 

Feel your body your breath Your heart beat your weight on your feet.  Be aware of your physical body and then be aware of your emotions. If emotion is present take out a magnifying glass. Look at it like a scientist looks at a specimen. Dissect it. Without shame, fear, or judgment. This can be used for any pain. Emotional. physical. It is powerful, if you train your brain to be able to focus like this. 

At first you will fail. It's not serious play with this technique like a child plays with a favorite toy. Enjoy yourself. Again with no shame or fear. 

Adults like to shame themselves. Somehow we have learned that negative reinforcement is what works. It's not compassionate joyful play is what works

 

If you wish to end your dependence on the drugs I would research what ones you want to end and slowly end 1 pill at a time reducing the dosage very slowly. The adderall especially can be difficult from what I have heard. Reduce the dosage as slowly as possible over a period of 6 months at least. The dependance will be strong exercise and cleansing diets should aid in recovery from side effects from lowering the doses. 

If you do this remember you will need self awareness as a strength. So start practicing and master being aware of your emotions especially. Over time it becomes a natural state to be aware.

Edited June 28, 2017 by S33K3R

[kieranperez]

@S33K3R so in essence though, you think meditation in order to touch in with hearing my intuition might be a better approach? I do think you're very right on the whole being stuck with trying to take in more information. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do and can't hear my intuitive voice on what I should do now given where I'm at with my life now. Do you think taking a break from reading would be best? 

I was taking Leo's Life Purpose Course and am so stuck with values that I can't even tap into what I think is most meaningful to me without getting lost in thought. Reading Self-Help material has become difficult because if I get questions to ponder like, 'think about what you want,' 'visualize the goals you have,' and so on, my mind just goes blank. This in itself becomes extremely distressing.

[Toby]

For me it's not that clear if you are interested in that thing called spirituality but if you are, go to youtube and look up "Adyashanti", "Leonard Jacobson" and "Isaac Shapiro". If some of them resonate with you you could attend their meetings. If not, might be not for you right now. Adya and Leonard both live in the bay area and have a lot of meetings there. Isaac comes to Berkeley in September afair.

[kieranperez]

@Toby woah thanks so much man!!!

[S33K3R]

@kieranperez

It depends on how you feel. You know what is best if you can't feel the intuition at this time, then yes I would say take a small break. But don't be gone from your goals too much. I would meditate to seek answers within with that particular method. Then I would wait for my inner self to desire the information again. 

Sometimes when we don't hear our inner intuition we become stuck and cannot move forward until we service our selves with awareness. To me it sounds like you need to listen to yourself and you will know when to start studying again. It could be a few days, it could be a month. Only you know. When you do start studying again, take it slow. Absorb the content, let it become a part of your being, not just your mind. For example, I have a 1200 page book I have read over the period of 10 years only 1.5 times, not because I am lazy. But because I want to make sure I absorb everything fully and spiritually. I take one paragraph and think about it for weeks. I meditate on it. I fall in love with it. Therefore it changes me deep within. It has become me. 

It is easy to study something when it is just the mind. It is much more difficult when it is your whole being absorbing the information. You will come out of that experience unchanged when just studying intellectually. When you study something intellectually you do not allow the content to change who you are, you think about it and say "I agree" or "I disagree". Your mind becomes changed, but who you are is always the same. 

Your intuition is asking you to slow down with the mind and look within. Your intuition will tell you when it is ready for more content. Next time you approach the content. Do the actions you read about. Let the experience change who you are. Then you will not be so bored and full of information. 

 

Edited June 28, 2017 by S33K3R

[Joseph Maynor]

Check out Nathaniel Branden's books on self esteem.  There half-a-dozen on Audible.com which are all good.  I have them all.  This will work on re-building your self esteem.