Feels Like I'm Losing It

[sgn]

I'm seriously questioning my sanity. I don't know if I'm being manipulated or not. I have always valued the opinions of others over my own.
I have this one friend that I spend more time with than anyone else and he always think he's right. And I let him get away with it.
That probably why he likes to spend time with me. Others have actually been disturbed by him too. But it's like over the last couple years I've believed him more and I question myself more. I'm always left with the feeling that the he's right and therefore I'm wrong.
He's got a good side to which makes me feel awful writing and thinking this. I know this is a classic scenario in dysfunctional relationships. And why people stay.

When I finally speak up he plays the victim and act like I have no right to get mad. And I feel guilty thinking I'm just overreacting.
And he might say something about how nice he is to me and he gave me food or something.
I catch myself using sarcasm and put down humor to him a lot as some kind of defense. Which I barely notice even because I've gotten so used to it.
And therefore I question if it's my behavior to him that is worse than I think. Maybe he's not criticising me as much as I think. And maybe he's right.
Maybe I do some too, and that's why he attacks.

Anyway. This weekend I went to see him and we were going to eat and drink some beer (to celebrate midsummer in sweden).
It ended up with just me drinking and he sober because he proposed that he could drive us to a pub instead of sitting at home.
I agreed. We also met up with my sister and talked with her a bit before we drove off. He started critisising me for some stuff and my sister jokingly says that I'm slow. And he continues to criticise and say that I should've thought about taking with me my ID and he was annoyed that now we have to drive to my house first and pick it up before we leave to the pub. Even thou we NEVER drive anywhere to drink and he knows I never use my ID for anything.
And I said this and spoke up. They asked me if I was getting angry now and I said yes. Then once again it's like I am the villain and overreacting.
The thing is they actually made me unsure and I kinda believed them. It's one thing if one person criticise me but when they gang up doing it feels awful.
Like they're parenting me, This incident was the final straw it feel like.

Now I'm left with this surreal feeling. I feel crazy. Confused. It's like I'm losing all reliability of my own judgments. I broke down.
It's like I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. One thing that I do now for sure is that these people are not good for me.
Especially not my friend. It's dangerous when two personalities like his and mine get together I think. And I've been thinking that for a good while.
It's like he can get me to start question everything about me or what I think and do. Surreal.
And I'm pretty sure I have ADD, so I have this belief that others probably knows better than me.

[Loreena]

You're fine. Don't take them seriously. Do what you feel right.  Acknowledge their opinions and agree with them in their presence, however follow your own way when it comes to making actual decisions. 

[sgn]

@Loreena Well yes I do act on my own opinions rather than theirs. But apparently I'm not allowed to speak up. People...

[ajasatya]

@sgn it won't work until you start working properly on your complete emotional independence.

quit this self judgmental overreacting bullshit. you know what you feel. be honest about it. that's all.

even jesus went mad and screamed over people because they were using his sacred place to sell stuff.

[Torkys]

@sgnHello, hope you are sorting your issue out!

There are ultimately 3 solutions to this problem: a) to stay in this toxic relationship, b) to change him or to c) just simply let 'im go (this reminds me of this song, lol):

a) If you have the emotional mastery and capacity, you can handle his behaviour in this situation, but you can barely get any growth out of this relationship with the exception of mastering your emotions. You can treat him like a lesson to grow as a psyche. After this, you can jump to c) if you feel like it.

b) Clearly, this never worked but if you talk it out, the situation MAY change. If this does not work, jump to c)

c) It may be emotionally difficult, but that's what I think the best solution is and what I would do. You could use that time and energy on things you value more than throwing it out of the window. You need to fill the void that comes with leaving your friend though. See, the ultimate solution is this right here. This requires some emotional labor if you are attached to him, but it will be worth it.

Existentially he does not exist. Other people don't exist, or to be surer of what I tell you, there is no evidence suggesting of others exist, you are literally him as well. You are literally putting a name and recall memories about a piece of visual information when you think of a person. Dissolve into reality and feel the unity and peace that comes with it.

[S33K3R]

This unfortunately was the toughest part of waking up for me. You start to see how unhealthy energy from others can be. For me I had to cut a few people out of my life because I couldn't see a way to make it work. 

What is happening is realities are clashing. You are changing into a different reality and it conflicts with  others expectations of you. It's hard changing because of these expectations sometimes. 

How I aproached this was by withdrawing, establishing something new about myself coming back and behaving like the new me.  Letting people cope and repeat. Finally I got to a point where I just stopped caring about opinions. I'm just weird me

[Guest Annetta]

 

 

[sgn]

Thank you.
This got me thinking. When have people, especially family been the most honest and said what they really think of me?
WHEN OTHERS IS AROUND. The worst things have not even been said directly to me but to another person, knowing that I'm listening.
This makes me sick. I hope I don't do that shit too.

[Guest Annetta]

@sgn It's always possible, dysfunctional families tend to create generations of manipulators.  It is not a conscious thing from either side.  It sucks, though.  My family does the same thing to me, and I'm finding that when I am not in that family dynamic that I act similarly to them.  You can move about on any point in the triangle.  For now you might be in the victim role, but it is possible to be an aggressor or a rescuer in different circumstances. 

There is a lot of stigma behind these sorts of actions, especially with Narcissism being the new wave of blame tactic for anyone who has ever dealt with a moderately uncomfortable situation with another person.  Most people start out with areas in their life where they either manipulate or are prone to being manipulated.  I'm just learning about how this works - being a manipulator and having been manipulated - so how these family dynamics play out are very interesting to me.

It's called the Karpman drama triangle.
Out of the FOG - A forum for dealing with personality disordered people - might be helpful for you. <3 <3

*big hugs*  I relate so much to this family dynamic.  It is so so soooo frustrating to be dealing with people like this.

 

 

[Angelique]

Remember, accept the way it is. It is fine the way it is. xx 

[Nahm]

@sgn Take your concept of what comes from meditation and through it out. Your concept is inaccurate and wrong. It reads like an ad for meditation. 

Start the practices daily. 

Save this post somewhere. Read it 6 months from now after everyday meditation. You will barely recognize this you. 

You are a sailboat without a sail, you can be the ocean.

Your honestly & vulnerability are impressive, and that's a great start.

Trust the well being of the universe, meditate, allow it to heal you and give you the clarity you want.