Breaking Free From Dysfunctional Relationships

[Nikcookbook]

I'm  a 25 year old female. I've been in two dysfunctional relationships and have a troubled childhood (daddy issues). This year 2017, I decided to change my life around. I broke up with my verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive boyfriend of almost 3 years and moved to a new state for a fresh start. I've made amazing progress in a short amount of time. Although I'm much happier without the relationship, at times it still haunts me. I've contacted my ex a few times since the break up, and it's always resulted in my disappointment. Part of me cannot let go, forgive, and forget, which to me is crucial in moving on. I have a past of attachment hunger in relationships and have learned that I subconsciously chase a approval from men that I feel rejected by (daddy issues). My ex is and always will be very manipulative and intelligent, a very dangerous combination. He plays on my emotions and uses it against me when given the opportunity, I'm aware of this yet I still periodically have temptations to contact him which is so frustrating to me. It's basically self infliction. I've gotten much better about dealing with my own issues but I've yet to find a focus point for self development on filling this void that lies within me from childhood and resurfaces today in my attachment to unhealthy relationships. Below is just one example of the past manipulative tactics my ex used prior to our breakup. We've been separated for about 5 months now 

[egoeimai]

He plays the victim..

Yeah the combination is catastrophic.

 

Esther talks here about dysfunctional relationships. Replace his mother with your boyfriend. It's the same. She is kind of difficult to understand if you are new to her, but she is wonderful in my ears so I thought she can help you.

[Nikcookbook]

@egoeimai thank you so much 

[Guest Annetta]

Sounds like my ex, to a tee.  They (narcissists) trigger that stuff in women who have unresolved problems.  A lot of them do it on purpose, too.  They'll try to keep you around, too and contact you back and act like nothing happened, like they did no wrong.  Please don't ever go back to this person.  It might be tempting sometimes, but try to keep a list of the things they have done to you when you feel like going back.  You probably have an anxious attachment style, and your ex most likely has a dismissive attachment style.  It can cause a lot of stress, especially for the codependent.  These relationships can be very addicting, especially because the highs are usually really really good.

Letting go is hard, so is forgiveness.  I'm not there yet myself.  I hope you get to that point.  
Much love, big hugs! <3 <3
 

 

[Nikcookbook]

@Annetta it's comforting to know someone else understands this situation. Thank you. 

[Guest Annetta]

@Nikcookbook <3  Of course!

[Nikcookbook]

@jimrich did your 12 step group specialize in codependency/ relationships? Id like to find a group of that nature but not sure how to go about that. Thanks for sharing your story. 

Edited June 28, 2017 by Nikcookbook

[xxBryantxx]

Wow, I'm going through something almost exactly, but I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I don't know what problems you have with your ex, but it seems very similar. My ex till this day still calls and texts. I don't bad mouth her, but I  keep conversations to a minimum. Our thing was, at least from my point of view were that she victim controlled. I felt she created situations that she knew would press my buttons and when I brought it up to her attention, she would yell, cry and etc. I've caught her trying to flirt with my friend's through texts and try to hook up with some guy, plus plenty of stuff like that. She said that nothing came out of it, but ever since then I've been on edge with her with that type of stuff. I discovered now that I have a weak spot for woman like that. I have a "rescuer" type of personality. So somehow I attract woman with an abusive upbringing. I don't know if this relates to you, but I'd like to hear more of what's going between you two, maybe there's something we could learn from each other. 

[S33K3R]

I am sorry you have an attraction towards unhealthy relationships. I was just like this 10 years ago. You are right to leave. Things will never get better. Once manipulation comes into a relationship a power struggle starts and is like cancer. You can never get rid of it. Both of you will always trigger past behaviors out of spite. Hurt emotions take a very long time to heal.

 

It is best to move on. Work on yourself. Understand why you were attracted to this man. Thank him for waking you up. Because lets face it. This relationship was so shitty for you that you were forced to wake up or give up. I know because I was in that same situation. The only way I was able to forgive was to view things from this perspective. His name was Preston. He was an idiot. Same BS manipulative, evil SOB. But I was blessed with him because though it sucked. I learned, I kept my eyes open through the pain and I learned. Walking away from this situation, hateful without this lesson is you walking away from a priceless treasure. 

Just so you know through that terrible relationship because I did so much self reflection I was able to know for a FACT who was right for me. I passed up a good 20 potential relationships after that. I was single 6 years. Then I found a guy that made me pause and after some self reflection and watching him I knew. Use this person to get what you truly want. Because look how it turned out. That isnt who you are, that isnt what you want. You know it.