My Non-self Journal

[Dodo]

"Oh! Ok, I was asleep that whole time. Ok, now I understand, I was asleep. Thank you for waking me up." - mystery quote (anyone knows where it's from?).

 

The silliest thing keeps repeatedly showing in my awareness again and again when I drift into unconscious thought. My ego has been hurt. What a miracle. My ego was trying to play dead. Thank God for events, people and situations that test the validity of that trickster Ego.

Oh boy, am I glad for learning self enquiry.  Whenever something bad happens to this body+mind now, I am able to clearly see this idea I have, the ME entity that is getting the "SHORTEST STICK AGAIN!!! >.< " and etcetera... The ME that is "NEVER LUCKY" (roflmao), the ME that "WILL SHOW THEM ONE DAY" and most notably, the ME that "KNOWS/WILL KNOW THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH" or whatever.

I can see that it's a battle going on in the mind. The battle is between mirage and real. Which will be victorious? Which one am I? Could I be both? All I know is nothing the mind can tell me or show me can be IT.

I Love You, Thank You.

Edited June 22, 2017 by Dodo

[Dodo]

1 week without cigarettes. I don't plan on coming back either, but I want to do this 1 week without something to check whether I'm addicted to it. As Leo said, if you have cravings during the first week without,  you're addicted.

29/06/2017-06/07/2017 - Come rain or shine, I will not allow the cancer sticks in my mouth anymore. My goal is to quit for good ofcourse. Main reasons : Family, Osho and Loreena :-D 

07/07/2017-14/07/2017 - No Actualized.org 

15/07/2017-22/07/2017 - No watching movies/series and no gaming.

23/07/2017-30/07/2017 - No ☕ coffee

31/07/2017-07/08/2017 (Boss level) - No ALL OF THE ABOVE

Edited June 29, 2017 by Dodo

[Loreena]

1 hour ago, Dodo said:

1 week without cigarettes. I don't plan on coming back either,

Welcome 

I'm so Proud of you. And I love you. You have me by your side all your life.

Come rain or shine, never gonna give up.

Buddy 

[Loreena]

On 6/23/2017 at 2:12 AM, Dodo said:

 

I Love You, Thank You.

In the darkest moments of my life, you're my light. Thank you for being there my friend. 

[Dodo]

Today, I had not that many cravings. Why? Because I feel like I've actually had enough. The cigarettes were in my pocket. Half a pack, they still are. I didn't touch any of them and am waiting for my friend Leo to show up so I can gift them to him, instead of throwing them away like I did with countless previous packs.

With the cigarettes in my pocket this first day has been more than success. Yesterday when I smoked a cig, it tasted horrible. I don't know how. Maybe it was the weed I smoked before it, but man, I couldn't finish that shit. I waited 5 mins, lit up another and again, it tasted the same, like crap. Like how could this be, how can I enjoy it one moment and the next, suddenly my first hand experience changes. The cigarette hasn't changed. It must be something inside that does not want me to continue this.

I have heard countless times that the addiction drops by itself. If my taste experience is not something I control, then maybe just that is happening.

Ofcourse I am proceeding with caution. I already refused to go out today with one of my trigger-friends, because of fear of backsliding. It's the first day, after all. Might as well be careful.

 I feel good. No smoking makes me feel sensations within, which usually aren't there when I'm poisoning myself.

 

[Dodo]

Day two, feeling great so far. I haven't drunk coffee either these past 2 days. It's seems like without the energy drainer, I do not need to shove the coffebeens up my throat!

2 habbits 1 cup

I feel no cravings other then the occasional thought about my fear of sliding back into it. Because I've done it so many times before. To talk yourself into one last cig or one last pack.

The thing is, the time is always now so pls Dodoego don't be a smartass. Cannot quit tomorrow,  can only quit now.

Edited June 30, 2017 by Dodo

[Dodo]

What does non-self mean? Apart from sounding a bit like non-sense, it has to be that it at least means not being attached to anything. Because who is there to be attached? All part of the illusory story if my egoic separate existence. 

In oneness, there is no need to attach, because everything supposedly is already attached, and forever. No problem with attachments if they would last forever,  because then there would not be the pain from losing it.

This brings me to the thought...  Maybe the very purpose of maya, the egoic realm is to break the attachment with the oneness that we are, even if it is only illusory (guess that's the only way to separate oneself from oneself, through illusions and delusions).

The ultimate attachment, The attachment to our true nature, because to be honest we can never ever be detached from it, because we are it. However a dream seems too real sometimes, until you  wake up and laugh it off.

I wish to see you all as the oneness once I have returned home. 

The weekend is going to be the real test. I usually do a lot of huffing and puffing on weekend as to get enlightenment experiences (or close to those) and not waste my time being the inadequate sober me.(I seem and feel much closer to God on weed, but as one friend from the park said - "I don't believe in weed. I don't think it's real [The feelings and experiences of Heaven I often get]." - I have to agree.

Whatever comes and goes is not it.

Im not looking to gain anything anymore,  I am looking to uncover by removal of shit.

Thanks for reading

 

[Dodo]

Week #1 verdict: Cigarettes = Addiction rating on the "Addiction scale(TM)" 6/10 **10 being highly addicted

The mind kept going back and being afraid of starting over, even though no big cravings occurred, except when there is a trigger person involved. I did smoke some on the weekend with one 'friend', because he pressured me into it (not that it's an excuse!). Don't think I'll be seeing him anymore.

 

Week #2 verdict: Actualized.org Addiction level 10/10)

Week two is now complete. Started on the 6th (one day early, and ended today 13th, one day early). 

I felt ready! One week of no Actualized.org. I also continued the no cigarettes as well, which was very natural for me. With my newly found energy, I found myself performing better in my daily tasks with less effort on my part. It was like I had been cheating myself and playing the game on hard mode. I feel high by being sober and nicotine free. Enough of that though, on to the real stuff:

First notable event of the week

In the beginning I had a slight slip up during the first or second day: My fingers just did an automatic movement to open the forum. Immediately I turned on panic mode and was able to close off the app before I could see anything. Wow! Such speed. Such skill. Crisis averted. I had lost presence and mind wanted to do what it does.

Second notable event

After removing all shortcuts possible so as to not be able to unconsciously open the forum, I was able to avoid issues like the previously mentioned. The mind seemed to get it.

- There wont be any postings this week, k ego?
- K. - said my Ego.

Well, to my surprise this was not the case. I kept getting thoughts in my mind how 'I need to post this insight'. I took a deeper look at those insights that wanted to get born through me on this site. They were all bullshit beliefs I was having that I wanted to be true for some reason so much that I had suppressed the doubt I had that they were just beliefs. What helped me see this is reading the book by Mike George - Being Beyond Belief. 

This book made it very easy for me to see how much bullshitting was going on, even with the nondual beliefs. I was taking the nondual teachings as not only the path to the experiential Truth of God, but also as a conceptual truth that I would argue with other people on the street who would be in my mind wrong. Of course that would only be my belief is one thing I realised. To be honest this belief contemplation goes way deeper than I can express in a single forum post. Maybe one day I write a book about it. What is important is that it opened up my eye of alertness, and I was looking for any and all beliefs that were trying to fog the clarity of being.

My meditations went deeper. I saw all non-silence and all illusion as simply my food. That's what I am here to chew and transform into silence and clarity. It's beautiful how much growth is in front of me. How much transmutation.

Third Notable Event

I seemed to have the waking life in full gear and was able to accept and drop a lot of false beliefs. Like the belief that I have anything of value to share on Actualized.org. Anything that I would share would come from my beliefs, and until I have rebuilt the foundation of my being to stem from Truth, I will have nothing to contribute but opinions. My mind seemed to get it. My Ego said 'K'.

That's when you know the shitstorm's coming. 

I did post on Actualized.org during this week. Twice in fact, even if you haven't noticed. You didn't notice simply because it freaking happened in my DREAMS. Two consecutive days, I remember dreaming about writing a post on here. This has happened before in previous attempts to stop smoking. I would dream myself smoking a cigarette, the mind wanting it's fix even if it is in the dream state. True sign of addiction.

I felt dirty that I had broken the week when I woke up, only to realize that it was just a dream. Oh wow. Such a relief. I was still going strong. 

The funny thing is that stopping Actualized.org was so disturbing for my mind and it's patterns that cigarettes almost didn't pop up in my mind. It was like this addiction was far far superior and was crushing the other xDDD. If I knew I'd done this earlier.

Fourth Notable Event

One of my last posts before I began the one week fast was about psychedelics and their connection to spirituality. This video triggered my interest again and a google search revealed to me a site that offers psychedelic experiences to people if they are accepted after answering a couple of questions. I loved answering those questions, because they were all about my experience with spirituality.

I had a lot to say. Later this week, I got an email, arranged skype call, aced the skype call and got accepted for a weekend in Amsterdam (yet to decide which one). I am very excited about this, as I have never taken a psychedelic before and this is sure to blow my mind even further than stopping addictions does. Here is a sample timetable for the event - it looks more than yummy:

Fifth Notable Event

Yesterday night was by far the climax of my journey so far. I found by chance in one bag enough weed to make one joint. After overdoing it previously, this felt so much different. I went to the park, I was calm and collected, not in company of Hahohiho friends with whom I only have fun and no spiritual growth. I was in heaven, as usual  with that substance, however this time I also had earplugs on. I was hearing the inside of my head.

I have never heard something so loud, such a high frequency before. It felt like my mind was making hundreds of thousands, millions revolutions in one second. It was like it was on overdrive. I followed the sound, it was this intense buzzing, I felt like my head is going to explode! The silence was so loud! Could it be that I was seeing (hearing) the mind? Could it be possible that the mind is just this? Noise? I followed it. I heard amazing classical music.

I saw the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I don't even know what they were or how to describe them. The thing is I also didn't find it very exciting to look at them, even though I knew it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and that anyone has ever seen. I knew it was coming from ME. I don't know what that was, but I knew that I WAS creating this. That's why it didn't feel any special to me. It was just effortless creation of a masterpiece. All I had to do is tune in to the frequency, that's it! I could never prove to anyone that what I saw was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen, but I know in my heart of hearts that it was. 

Glisten. This word appeared in my mind, I could only see this word. I thought it meant to make things cleaner. I wanted to know, so I googled it to find the following definition:

Glisten - a sparkling light reflected from something wet.

 

Why and HOW did this appear in my consciousness, why and how did it stay, I have no idea. But the meaning and contemplating the meaning touched me so deeply. I think an angel put this word there for me. An angel that I was blind to see.

In any case, thank you, and keep on glistening, Loreena.

 

 

 

Edited July 13, 2017 by Dodo

[Loreena]

 

[Dodo]

My favourite game ever is actually super duper spiritual! I am talking about StarCraft! 

This is a game that I've played for years now. I started playing as Zerg (The creepy swarm), but after a year, I transitioned into Protoss (The shiny guys ^^) . I've played all expansions: Wings Of Liberty, Heart of the Swarm and now Legacy of the Void

I cannot believe that I only now become aware of how the Protoss are saying all these highly spiritual things during gameplay! They are far from peaceful warriors, but in dire times war can be the only option!

Here are quotes that I've selected which the units say when you are controlling them.

Zealot
"My meditation is over."
"We stand as one!"
"By your will!"
"Honor guide me!"
"I am Templar! I am the sword of truth!"
"How peaceful it must be for you to have a mind unburdened by thought!"

Mothership Core
"As all are one."
"By the heart of Aiur."
"We are the voice of Aiur."
"Our systems pulse with the truth."
"Our light shall burn the pathway to the stars."
"The glow of the infinite is within us."

Disruptor
"Consciousness awakened."

Dark Templar
"By the Void."
"The void claims its own."
"I am the darkness!"

High Templar
"We are the light of the Khala!"
"We seek enlightenment."
"Our minds are as one."
"We shall stand against the darkness."
"We are focused."
"Focus! There is no time for idle thoughts!"
"Your thoughts betray you."
"Two become one!" 
"As ever I serve."

Immortal
"I feel your presence."
"We shall serve forever!"
"There can be only one!"

Stalker
"I am the voice of the eclipse."
"I am the heart of darkness."
"We are one with the shadows."
"We are all but shadows in the Void."
"I hear the call of the stars..."
"I AM ONE with the darkness!"

Void Ray
"Channel the light of Aiur!"
"All paths are seen through the prism of fate."
"Infinity burns around us."
"I am also null..."

Mohandar
"The Void will answer."
"I am now... beyond you." (when killed)
"I return... to the Void." (when killed)

 

FOR AIUR!

[Dodo]

Huge progress. I believe I've kicked them. But I now know that I should never say it's over, because the moment I do, life shows me it's not. 

I am talking about cigarette addiction. I was offered a cigarette in my dream and I refused it! Wow, feeling so good about this. 

 

[Dodo]

Remembering a very particular type of dreams I used to have in the past... I was this small light, superhero. I was fighting the most evil of evils and I always won. I was too small for the villains to see me, too quick to catch me. 

Were those dreams...? Most likely! But maybe the do hint at something deeper that my subconscious was trying to bring forward.

 

Edited July 26, 2017 by Dodo

[Dodo]

I had a dream in which I was at the magic mushroom gathering that I will be attending this year.

I was called, it was my turn. They took me to a room, gave me a portobello mushroom sandwich (xD) and told me to take my time.

I smelled the mushrooms before the lady went outside the room and I told her: Wow, as if even the smell is getting me closer to who I am.

I ate the sandwich and two extra mushrooms that were fallen off.

[Dodo]

What social media and mathematics have showed me again and again... The popular answer is not always (in the case of facebook change "not always" to "almost never") the right one. You have to do the calculation for yourself and not rely on the masses. Have to make sure to learn the foundations on how to get to the truth, however, from a trusted source - in the specified case that would be to learn BODMAS rule or simply do it the long way (3 - 3 -3 -3 -3 -3 -3 + 2).

We learn various techniques from the teachers, but then we have to do the calculation and we have to be certain that we have nailed the foundations down to know we are getting the truth.

All this translates to spirituality. I love Maths, it is the true science. 

[Dodo]

Furthermore, solving this same question through different techniques and getting the same answer checks and verifies the absolute truth-ness of the answer. It's not like it is relative that 5+5 = 10. It is 10 for everyone, even if they believe otherwise.

What all non-duality practises and devotional practises are pointing to is the same placeless place.  The true solution of our being. Nobody else has to verify the answer for me to know it is right exactly in the same way I didn't need someone to verify to me that the answer to this simple mathematical equation is -13 : I am able to use different true/correct methods to check the answer again and again just to be absolutely sure I did not make a mistake.

If the answer fails in any of the checks, it's not true. If it is consistent, it's true until proven otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty  

Edited July 28, 2017 by Dodo