Very Clear On My Expectations.

[spicy_pickles]

I was able to clearly state my expectations going forward in my relationship of nearly 6 years with my partner. I have a feeling these words fell on deaf ears and it is a battle between us now. 

I have put my own happiness, wants and needs aside to be a strong supportive partner for all these years. I listened to his frustrations. I offered advice. I did everything I could to help. What did I get in return?  More of the same. 

When I brought this up, he almost pushed it back on me. "Well YOU do this, and when YOU did that, YOU upset me". Or I never did this or that or the other thing. So, I gave this one more chance. 

I believe I'm being tested now. Has he stepped up to try and make things better after I told him I was sick of the way things were for the last while?  Nope. Did he hear me and truly listen to my concerns about him holding onto the past and harboring resentment towards people?  No. Has anything changed?  No. But he will be the first person to blame me for not doing this, that or the other thing.  

This just proves to me how unimportant I am in his life as a partner. I was more of a tool for his use, whenever the need arose. 

At least I know now. 

Edited June 21, 2017 by spicy_pickles
Edit

[S33K3R]

I was once in this situation with my boyfriend. We went through a really rough period. He slowly changed over time (he is a very stubborn person). 

We have become stronger from the struggles, but only you know if your relationship is meant to be. I hope you find answers in what happens next <3

 

[Natalya]

It's not really about stating your expectations clearly. Especially with men.

One of the differences between men and women is that women talk, and men don't hear. Guys seem to only understand action. In my experience, men don't get motivated to change until they have to face the harsh reality (like you leaving him). By the same token, guys usually don't feel the need to step up as long as they already have everything they need - your warmth and sweet support and being there every time he needs you. Unfortunately, the more you try to make it work, the more he pulls away. This is why couples that move in together are less likely to get married -- they already have all the convenience they need! So why bother with a wedding?

You could try this: start pulling away. Don't initiate phone calls/texts and don't answer his every call/text, don't be available for him. Go out with friends more, and keep yourself busy - without him. If he doesn't realize he's losing you and if this moves the relationship closer to its end, be it - it wasn't meant to be. 

Edited June 23, 2017 by Natalya

[egoeimai]

Natalya, I see these qualities in women too. I.don't think.is a male characteristic.

Edited June 23, 2017 by egoeimai

[SFRL]

4 hours ago, Natalya said:

It's not really about stating your expectations clearly. Especially with men.

One of the differences between men and women is that women talk, and men don't hear. Guys seem to only understand action. In my experience, men don't get motivated to change until they have to face the harsh reality (like you leaving him). By the same token, guys usually don't feel the need to step up as long as they already have everything they need - your warmth and sweet support and being there every time he needs you. Unfortunately, the more you try to make it work, the more he pulls away. This is why couples that move in together are less likely to get married -- they already have all the convenience they need! So why bother with a wedding?

You could try this: start pulling away. Don't initiate phone calls/texts and don't answer his every call/text, don't be available for him. Go out with friends more, and keep yourself busy - without him. If he doesn't realize he's losing you and if this moves the relationship closer to its end, be it - it wasn't meant to be. 

That's just dysfunctional. 

[S33K3R]

58 minutes ago, SFRL said:

That's just dysfunctional. 

I don't think so I tried so hard to get my boyfriend to understand what needed to change. I did everything possible. He wasn't listening. I was considering leaving him and as a result I did exactly what @Natalya said because I was considering leaving. Its natural to pull away from someone when you are having these thoughts. Only then did the reality of possibly loosing what we have really hit him. This goes for all people though. You never really know what you have until you feel it could be gone, or it just is gone. That is a way of asking with your body language, " are you sure you dont want to be with me" Because that is how it will be. 

 

I know this can be used as a seriously terrible manipulation tool. It was done to me. I watched my sister play with a guy for over 10 years doing this. Those people are evil. It is a reality check that isnt always a bad thing. It saved my relationship when I had no other options. 

Edited June 24, 2017 by S33K3R

[Natalya]

@egoeimai, have you read The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider? Or He's Just Not That into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo? Highly recommend these.

[Natalya]

@S33K3R, it's true some people do such things for fun because their moral values are twisted, but I think the majority is just living a low-conscious/low-integrity life and is driven by their basic needs without thinking of others. Rarely people harm other people intentionally. Most of the time, it's pure selfishness and sometimes stupidity that leads to disasters.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Natalya

[S33K3R]

@Nichols Harvey LoL I wish you luck in your journey

[S33K3R]

@Nichols Harvey OMG your right enjoy

[egoeimai]

I just don't want to demonize males,that's it. We are all equals.

[Guest Annetta]

This isn't the best forum for advice on expectations, because men, true to their nature, will say you should have none - and women... well women who have dealt with not having expectations, we know better than this.  If you're with someone who takes more than they give then fucking leave.  Don't waste time and energy like I did trying to fix it.  I mean really now, how the fuck are you gunna grow if he won't even listen to what you have to say without slinging something back at you?  Fuck that guy,  you deserve better!  Hope you find it. <3

[SFRL]

7 hours ago, Natalya said:

@egoeimai, have you read The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider? Or He's Just Not That into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo? Highly recommend these.

Burn her on a stake, she is teaching pick-up for women

[egoeimai]

What is going on here ? 

[electroBeam]

15 hours ago, Natalya said:

You could try this: start pulling away. Don't initiate phone calls/texts and don't answer his every call/text, don't be available for him. Go out with friends more, and keep yourself busy - without him. If he doesn't realize he's losing you and if this moves the relationship closer to its end, be it - it wasn't meant to be. 

If you're with a 'high quality' guy, be warned he isn't going to fall for manipulation tactics.

He probably has plenty of friends, other girls, and money to turn to.

And if he isn't a guy of high quality, is there really any point in being with him?

[Natalya]

1 hour ago, egoeimai said:

What is going on here ? 

@egoeimai, just 2 young guys (possibly one with 2 profiles) trying to get attention.

[egoeimai]

8 minutes ago, Natalya said:

@egoeimai, just 2 young guys (possibly one with 2 profiles) trying to get attention.

Maybe you're right. We'll find out soon.

[Natalya]

@electroBeam it has nothing to do with manipulation. It's about protecting oneself as a woman with a filter that helps avoid wasting years away with the wrong people. You'll be surprised to what lengths guys go to get laid. You'd need to be a woman and go through what we go through to understand.

[egoeimai]

 

2 minutes ago, Natalya said:

You'll be surprised to what lengths guys go to get laid. You'd need to be a woman and go through what we go through to understand.

I agree. Not bad though, If you are completely independent from something they offer, it's for you an experience just as it's for them. Because not all women tend to be emotionally dependent. And not all men are trying to get laid. So it's equal.

[SFRL]

15 minutes ago, Natalya said:

@egoeimai, just 2 young guys (possibly one with 2 profiles) trying to get attention.

It's funny how a an old woman will be like "just 2 young guys".

But an older guy will never be like "just two young girls".