Feel So Isolated

[Random User]

Me:

 

• I can't process what people have to say because I'm trying to hard to do just that
• I can't look people in the eye anymore without getting paranoid and thinking I am making them feel awkward (like I am spreading negativity)
• I can't shake feelings of inferiority and feeling like I am wrong as a person
• If someone looks away from me in the street, I feel rejected
• My head tightens and blanks out
• Burning anxiety fills my stomach and head, and my eyes get sore. This causes more paranoia as my pain is now visible
• I feel as though I must always say the perfect thing and this is all I can think about when the other person is talking which results in me not having anything to say.
• I have only slept with one person and she was a prostitute. I'm 24. I'm so ashamed of this. 
• I keep getting drunk on a saturday night then staying up all night snorting cocaine and then feeling guilty about it the next day 
• I am extremely self conscious in social situations about the way I look. Even though I like how I look in the mirror and in most photos (WTF?)
• I am insecure about being insecure
• I am worried about my mind and how much it is riddled with shame
• I am worried about how much I worry!
• I feel like I'll never be able to get a girlfriend
• I don't know what I want

The list is endless. But I have high hopes for myself. Ambition and motivation. I have some good habits (eating, exercise, meditation etc.). The above are just how I feel a lot of the time. They are having a real effect on my life. My self-esteem is terrible. All I want to do is realise the truth. Realise Happiness. But social conditioning has me in prisoned. I've tried books. I lose motivation especially when the exercises come. Things I've learned in self-help are just more things to think about. More things to cloud my mind, more things to cause me anxiety when I'm interacting with people from me trying to use it to make me feel better. My mind won't stop doing things. I just want to let go.

[sgn]

@Random User WTF are you my clone?

[Visitor]

@Random User Fear has dominated your life, especially the fear of your truth. It is time to start doing the most difficult task in your life. To go down your rabbit hole to find all your fears. To face them all by exposing and accepting everything about yourself, warts and all. Daily introspection coupled with daily acceptance of self would be a good start.

[S33K3R]

@Random User I am sorry you have this battle coming up unexpectedly. That is when depression/anxiety was the biggest monster for me. Face your fears as visitor says, that is what I did. I wrote every insecure belief down and logically decided if it was true or irrational thought. Over time I had the realization that my mind used self defeating thoughts to keep me down and out of control. It is the battle of the ego and the self. The darkness and light. 

Osho once said something that always pulled me pretty fast through these rough times. Its a story I relate it to my depression recovery. 

"a man sits in a blackened room in complete fear he doesn't dare to move because there is a dangerous snake coiled up ready to strike. The snake is persistent and is always ready. All it takes is a split second of light to clear his fears. Because in the moment of light he can see that the snake is just a rope coiled in the corner and the monster has vanished at once. Everything changes once the light flickers"

This is your battle. Finding a way to flicker the light, because once you see there is no danger the whole reality changes. The depression is you running from your thoughts. I overcame this by challenging every thought, I wrote things down to solidify my new belief system so I would have something to come back to later.

One thing I want to add. The amount of women you have slept with means nothing to anyone except you. Your friends may joke, but they really don't care. When you do find a special lady, she will feel special because you don't go sleeping around like so many men do. It doesn't matter why you don't it just matters that you don't. Any woman who judges you for these things is an unhealthy person to date anyways. I know this because I met my boyfriend when he was 26 and he had slept with no woman. I love him for it, he is so innocent in my eyes because of that. He did have an internet sex addiction but we worked through it. 

 

Remember we really are our own worst enemy, depression for me was self created. I was severely depressed at 16 and had to crawl my way out with none of these awesome resources. Use them you may bump around and make mistakes but over time you will start to realize things are getting better. Never give up my friend, pain is only temporary.

[Random User]

@Visitor @S33K3R  Thanks for your comments  

[Random User]

Last night, I came up with a list of things I fear about change. They were all around how it would make others feel or think. I feel like my success will make others feel shitty about their lives.

I think my biggest problem is I have too much empathy. I hate the idea of people being in situations I have been in. I can't stand seeing it happen to others. How can I realise that healing myself and being happy can only benefit others ? 

[ajasatya]

@Random User let go of what you think about yourself and just come back to your breathing 1 billion times in a day.

[S33K3R]

2 hours ago, Random User said:

I think my biggest problem is I have too much empathy. I hate the idea of people being in situations I have been in. I can't stand seeing it happen to others.

This can be a big weight holding you down. Beware of the concern you have for others it can drag you down. Think of it this way.

The psyche can only hold 1 belief comfortably at any given time this means if you do this ^ you can't realize below. Therefore you need to make a conscious decision between yourself and others. 

Quote

How can I realise that healing myself and being happy can only benefit others ? 

After realizing you have to leave others behind only then can you know the answer to this question. Once you can let others happiness go then you can become happy. The way that this helps others is profound. Many times we as humans think we must fix things and nothing else is aware. This is wrong. Your friends will see the change in your being, they will feel the change in your energy and consciousness and they will energetically be drawn to you to seek change. They will ask you what is different. Hopefully you can help them with your answers. People don't accept help that is offered, they accept help when they ask for help. There is an internal process where realizations have to take place. You can't speed that process along. The realizations take place from observations such as you deciding to better yourself and them seeing the result and craving the same thing. 

Think of it this way. You are in a body of water (your emotions), you are sinking (depression etc) you have a life raft (deflated because you dont know how to use it yet) You have others with you as well. You have choices to make, panic with them and validate their struggle by struggling as well. Tell them to give you some time to fix things and blow up the raft just enough to try and pile everyone on (it will sink). Or you can swim off keep an eye on your friends safety blow your raft up completely climb on it come back and help them all realize they have a deflated raft too. 

You have to accept this is a world where you can only help yourself and allow others the free will to choose as they wish. I know many people I can't help. My mom is a big one. Her karma is hers though, its sad but that sadness is limited to the occasional observation at her limited view of reality. Acceptance of others choices is key.

 

[Preetom]

@Random User Hey brother! I had and still occasionally have almost every setback you've listed and more. I highly recommend you to read the book "Shift Into Freedom" by Loch Kelly. The essence of this book is that all the uncomfortable feelings(thought, limiting beliefs, emotions, difficult situations, emotional outbreaks etc) that our identity comes accross, the only resourceful way to face and deal with them is at first shifting your state of consciousness. Then go deal with them. This book contains dozens of "glimpse practices" you can choose from that works for you best and do them multiple times a day. The cool thing is they produce that flick of light or a shift just like @S33K3R described in a few moments without meditating for hours. Then from that surrendered state you can deal with all your issues and distractions in a lot resourceful way.

A second technique I wanna share is from Bentinho Massaro. Take one deep breath. Then as you release, you also intentionally release all your mental tension and thought. Just for 2 to 5 seconds. And that's it. You then return to whatever you were doing. Do this thing at least 12 times a day.

Please understand that I'm not an expert. I am actually a beginner who found these techniques very helpful after couple of years of seeking and backsliding. And do Leo's concentration practice for 10 minutes and then immediately do 20 minutes meditation in the morning after waking up. You see, for newbies like us who are stuck in a rut for a long time, It's more important to take 1-2 minutes and intentionally shift, let go, see clearly for dozens of times a day rather than just meditating for hours. Our monkey mind has so much momentum that it needs to be stopped every half an hour through glimpse practices or else it takes over us and drives us nuts!

I wish to hear from you about your progress. Remember that "the thing" in you that faces any uncomfortable situation can't really overcome it because that very thing is responsible for it in the first place. You must shift. A light is turned on. A new state of consciousness emerges and then you can open up/accept/practice/introspect/deal with it from a new perspective. All the best on your journey.  

Edited June 21, 2017 by Preetom

[nightrider1435]

14 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@Random User let go of what you think about yourself and just come back to your breathing 1 billion times in a day.

@Random User I recommend doing this as well! I've been doing that for weeks now and it works great. 

[Random User]

On 6/21/2017 at 4:13 PM, ajasatya said:

@Random User let go of what you think about yourself and just come back to your breathing 1 billion times in a day.

I like this. As I'm becoming more and more aware of my thoughts I'm finding it much easier to do things like this.  

@S33K3R This metaphor you send me is great. I'll look forward to hearing more from you on the forum.

@Preetom The book and technique recommendations are much appreciated and it's great to be held accountable for my journey.

[abrakamowse]

@Random User Try labeling meditation also known as noting meditation. 

It's really good to become more detached from thoughts.

 

https://youtu.be/StBTuX0tqU8

Edited June 23, 2017 by abrakamowse
grammar