Confused About People Pleasing

[sgn]

If I would give up the people pleasing I think I'm more likely to hurt others and I don't want that.
If I would act like what I feel is authentic at the moment, then I probably would seem depressed and not interested in conversations.
Maybe come of as disrespective, uninterested, not caring etc.  So I sacrifice myself and act nice so others won't suffer because of my problems.
Should I just stand and listen and talk to people when I don't give a shit?

It feels wrong too give up this.

I also think it obviously stems from a need for acceptance and all of that.
And also that I remember all those things that people have said and done that I've disliked and judged them for.
And then I set up all these rules like I can't do or say this or that, because then I might come of like "one of those persons".
"Then I'm no better". Or like I shouldn't stare at people because they might get uncomfortable, but at the same time I shouldn't look away too much so I seem uninterested.

It's like I think people are made of porcelain. Fragile and sensitive. But maybe I'm projecting because that's how I feel.
But even I can handle pretty much. I don't die. lol

But it feels like it doesn't make sense to me to risk causing even a little suffering in someone. Especially if I like them.

Edited June 18, 2017 by sgn

[sgn]

@Morrtiz Luckily I don't feel the need to please you. Stop attacking people on this forum.

Edited June 18, 2017 by sgn

[sgn]

@Morrtiz Lol. Why are you on this forum even?

[sgn]

@Morrtiz I only see you talking trash and disrespect people in threads. It's a forum about self-development. 

[sgn]

This guy...

[egoeimai]

3 minutes ago, Morrtiz said:

You seem locked into a fucking collective bullshit.  Wtf??

Sign out,dude. Enough for today.

[Joseph Maynor]

I went through the same thing, and I think I can give you some advice here to help you move your ball forward and get this problem handled.  When I got out of college and started my career I was super-into people pleasing.  I even had one of my bosses make fun of me for this.  Now, 10 years later, I'm almost the opposite, well at least I was a couple of months ago when I was going through my ego-death experience.  I became a jerk -- went full opposite.  Now, I think I'm in a nice median between the two.  Here's a tip -- work on growing your self-esteem and assertiveness skills.  Being a people pleaser is a non-sustainable strategy and so is being a jerk.  The permanent solution is to be assertive. Here's a book that helped me through this problem, and I highly recommend it: "The Assertiveness Workbook" by Randy Patterson.

And for increasing self-esteem, read: "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Brandan.

Assertiveness is the only sustainable interpersonal strategy, and it's the middle-ground between passivity and control.  I'd say assertiveness has given me the most gains interpersonally as a practical hack in personal development.  And that  Patterson book I recommended is excellent.  There's exercises in that book that really get you results if you do them carefully.  Get it.  The Brandan book is excellent too.  But if you're gonna only get one book to start, get the Patterson book.  You gotta start taking action to root-out the people-pleasing strategy.  It doesn't work as a long-term strategy.

Edited June 19, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Michael569]

@sgn probably a pure troll account. Doesn't care whether he gets banned...

[ajasatya]

@sgn you're full of fears, still worried about what people think of you. you lack self love and self responsibility.

how old are you? do you still live with your parents?

growing up, working for your own survival, becoming an adult is freedom. this leap is urgent for you because you'll see yourself in a situation which there will be no excuses.

it's not your parents. it's not your friends. it's you! right now you can just pack up and live like many people do... just traveling around and working. you're eternally free but you think that you're not. are you locked by physical chains? what keeps you from going out and taking a walk? can you ride a bicycle?

[sgn]

@Joseph Maynor Thanks. Will check the book out. The self-esteem book I have. In fact I have other books about self-esteem also.
I actually have quite alot of books about personal development. Problem is I don't take any action.

[sgn]

@Snick I see what you are saying. No I don't actually feel like being nice that often. Conversations feels like a test for me.
I'm not interested in anyone else life because I'm so fixated on myself and my own problems. And small talk feels so unimportant for me.
I sometimes "create" questions just to show interest but I don't care. I have no enthusiasm. If I'm drunk I'm happy to talk about whatever bullshit that comes up. Just because then I like the connection. lol

[sgn]

8 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@sgn you're full of fears, still worried about what people think of you. you lack self love and self responsibility.

how old are you? do you still live with your parents?

growing up, working for your own survival, becoming an adult is freedom. this leap is urgent for you because you'll see yourself in a situation which there will be no excuses.

it's not your parents. it's not your friends. it's you! right now you can just pack up and live like many people do... just traveling around and working. you're eternally free but you think that you're not. are you locked by physical chains? what keeps you from going out and taking a walk? can you ride a bicycle?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
28. I moved back to my dad couple of years ago because of economical problems. Yes I've failed life.
Yes I'm free in that way. But my head is a prison. I wouldn't feel free in a paradise, because other people would be there and I would think they are judging me. lol.
I've always felt stuck. No drive. No enthusiam. No passion. It's like I've given up. I try to make changes but fall back. And fall back. And fall back.
I stop believing. I'm very well aware of my victim mentally and my excuses.

[sgn]

@Eliu David Sosa Diaz Thanks. Haven't read those books no. The video on the other hand I have watched.

[S33K3R]

Hello people pleaser, 

 

I am sorry for all of the cinics it makes sense as most people have difficulty understanding this mentality. Let me tell you why you want to please people. 

It has nothing to do with how you make them feel. It has everything to do with your neurons in your brain. They are called mirror neurons some peoples mirror neurons are extremely well developed. Other people have not used theirs at all. This is why you are so sensitive to your perception of hurting others. You project your feelings of how another might view your actions and you react to that projection and feel as if it is them you are hurting. In reality you are offending yourself if you were them. 

Look at it this way. I used to be like you BTW. Who is the person people value appreciate, trust etc most? Not the sensitive scared person who is walking on egg shells. Your intention is to not hurt anyone's feelings but you are hurting someone. YOURSELF. Because you arent happy with your decision to please people. So what you need to do is reflect on this and decide who matters more? The occasional really sensitive person, or your own happiness? Or just do what I did, say fuck it for like 1 month to see how it feels. If you ask me, it feels great. I haven't gone back to trying to please anyone. 

People will respect you more because with that fuck it mentality you are claiming your space, you stop caring about offending others and you just get on with your life and try to be happy. In the end this is what people who care for you want anyways, they want to see you confident and happy. I realized all of the toxic people in my life have kind of wandered away. Because they fed off of my insecurities. I dont need that, neither do you. This is why you should try to say fuck it to all of the unimportant things at least for a trial period to see how it works for you. 

[sgn]

@S33K3R Hey! This makes sense.
 

On 2017-06-20 at 3:00 AM, S33K3R said:

Or just do what I did, say fuck it for like 1 month to see how it feels. If you ask me, it feels great.

This sounds interesting actually. It got me thinking. I think "I will lose their approval". But I don't think that's thinking deep enough.
What do I really think will happen more concrete is the question. It's like I think people will react with anger and shame me.
Childhood all over again. Like now I misbehaved once again. I'm bad, I should be ashamed. This might make me feel anger. And I have this belief that I shouldn't show anger.
I may believe I will end up abandoned also. Or people stop talking to me.
I also got the feeling like when I'm in a group and there is talking. "Ok now the grown ups are talking, I need to be quiet and listen".
Again stems from childhood.

[S33K3R]

4 minutes ago, sgn said:

@S33K3R Hey! This makes sense.
 

This sounds interesting actually. It got me thinking. I think "I will lose their approval". But I don't think that's thinking deep enough.
What do I really think will happen more concrete is the question. It's like I think people will react with anger and shame me.
Childhood all over again. Like now I misbehaved once again. I'm bad, I should be ashamed. This might make me feel anger. And I have this belief that I shouldn't show anger.
I may believe I will end up abandoned also. Or people stop talking to me.
I also got the feeling like when I'm in a group and there is talking. "Ok now the grown ups are talking, I need to be quiet and listen".
Again stems from childhood.

Yes OMG What if you played with this meditation technique??? Enter the emotions you fear and observed them and why they exist? It makes sense! That sounds fascinating? 

You deserve to exist and claim your space

[S33K3R]

@sgn you just took me back to a realization I once had. Thanks!

[sgn]

12 minutes ago, S33K3R said:

Yes OMG What if you played with this meditation technique??? Enter the emotions you fear and observed them and why they exist? It makes sense! That sounds fascinating? 

You deserve to exist and claim your space

Yes I'll dig more deeper into it. I already have done that a lot and I think I have a pretty good idea why it it feels like it does..
I just once again realize that this might be the root of it all. Or the biggest factor at least. I have an idea how to go forward also.
Thanks.

(was that confusing? lol)

[S33K3R]

Not at all <3

[hinawashi]

@sgn The way I see it, is that you're letting too many cooks into the kitchen. A people-pleaser is someone who lets other people run their lives.

One quick way to get a taste of your authentic self is to pretend that nothing you do will matter anymore. Suppose that everyone would just give you approval for doing absolutely nothing. I know it sounds completely crazy but just roll with it on this mental exercise. Now just pretend that's true. Would you go and please people anymore?

If your answer is yes, that would be excellent news, because that would be an authentic desire to care about people.

If your answer is no, then your people-pleasing tendencies stem from your selfishness. Not only that you'd be selfish by focusing on people's approval, you also would be repressing your selfishness by what pleasing others and giving an image of being selfless.

You see, the difference between pleasing people and genuinely caring about people is where their approval lies. If it's your goal the whole time, that means your self-image is relying on that approval and as soon as that's taken away (which is why I used the above mental exercise to imagine such a scenario), it would fall apart and that's why you fear that people wouldn't care about you if you stopped pleasing them.

Hope this helps!