Handle Girlfriends Who Get Jealous

[Spiral]

@SFRLI do think she'd be upset either way,perhaps less thought.  Every guy is not so uninterested in female company as you are, that's just a personal preferens you have. 

@Pinocchio NTO-Dingu Fair enough. 

[Spiral]

@Morrtiz You have a point but, being desperate is not the same as being insecure.

 

Edit: Desperation is born from suffering, where as jealousy is comes from a feeling of not being enough and therefor think others will cheat on you. They can coexist, but does not have to, In case that is not obvious.

Edited June 18, 2017 by Spiral

[electroBeam]

6 minutes ago, Morrtiz said:

You dont have to be a genius to realise that desperate people attract desperate people. This one is a no brainer :-)

This hypothetical scenario I posted above is a cultural issue, not a personal issue. It breaks social norms. 

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

How do you properly tackle your girlfriend when she's jealous of a girl you're talking to?

Say you have a really good friend whose a girl, that you talk to and get along with really well. 

But your girlfriend starts to get jealous of that girl, and starts to believe a secret affair is happening.

Or how do you handle a situation where your girlfriend gets worried that you are hitting on girls at a bar or club, because she took you the wrong way one day about that event.

 

You can argue and try and convince her that her beliefs are wrong, but usually the girl doesn't buy it and just acts more suspicious and jealous.

How do you calm down that threatened ego, and make it feel safe and secure? What rhetorical techniques would you use, what actions would you take to resolve the situation nicely?

Thanks.

There is nothing you can do to change this tendency in her or make her feel more secure, because the issue is not in your court. She is likely emotionally insecure, so it comes out in the form of neediness and jealousy. She would have to first want to change, and then be willing to put in the massive amounts of effort to bring the demons to light that cause the jealousy in the first place. But chances are, she sees herself as justified in her jealousy because "Why would a guy be talking to another girl if his intentions aren't to have sex with her?" This is usually the jealous woman's bedrock belief: that she's competing with all other woman sexually in order to keep her man staying around. So, you talking to another woman is threatening to her because she feels replaceable. You can try to make her feel secure by assuring her that you like her for her and don't want anyone else. But moreso, her inner state is the one that needs work. The best thing you can do is continue to reassure her. It will give her temporary relief but her fears will continue to come up if you have a long term relationship. Just don't let it get so far that you cut off all relationships with female friends. That's when you know that things have gotten incredibly unhealthy and gotten yourself into a relationship prison.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Snick said:

@Pinocchio NTO-Dingu

Have you had a serious intimate relationship at any point in your life yet?  

If you had, then you know that women own us! The least we can do is to manipulate back a little bit..  

@electroBeam @Snick My advice is to not let manipulation happen to you or manipulate back. Find someone who isn't going to try to manipulate so you can be yourself. Then it will actually be a comfortable relationship. Being single is better than being manipulated.

[Emerald]

Just now, Pinocchio NTO-Dingu said:

She is replaceable, her fears are perfectly valid and understandable. She just needs to grow out of them (not easy I know but that's the reality of it).

 

If you need to lie to someone to make a relationship work, that's manipulative as shit.

There are no superficial solutions to these things when the foundations (of "normal" human relationships) are rotten to the core.

 

I agree with this entirely. You have to realize that neither of you owns one another, even if you've decided to be in a relationship. So, your partner can leave at any time. But this is no need to feel insecure. If the relationship is supposed to go on, it will. And if it's meant to cease, it will. When I met my husband, I didn't want a relationship because I didn't want to add the noise of 'forever' as I had in my previous relationship. It was one of many factors that made that relationship hell. But I really liked my husband so I said that we'd take it one day at a time and not take things too seriously. So, I told him he could literally do whatever he wanted to do regarding being with someone else and it still is the case. And he's tried to be even and extend me the same courtesy but it makes him less comfortable because he didn't directly have this relationship insight like I did. Neither of us have taken each other up on this freedom, but it really matters that it's there. No one should ever have to box themselves into a relationship.

And definitely always be 100% honest in a relationship. Otherwise, there is really no relationship there at all. You'll both always be on completely different pages. Normal relationships are definitely rotten to the core, and even more rotten when people believe that they need to manipulate the other to get their emotional needs met. You should be able to communicate these things to your partner without childish manipulation games. People who believe that manipulation is a good relationship tactic or that they can change their partner are in for a life that's literally a living hell. And for what? Just to have a relationship. It just isn't worth it without mutual honesty and genuine concern for the other's well-being.

[Guest Annetta]

I have a tendency to be jealous, because most men I have been interested in had other women on the side while pretending to have romantic intentions, and the one I dated cheated on me often.  Her concern makes sense.  A lot of men cheat. 
I watched this a few days ago and it was interesting.  Maybe send it to her?  It's pretty good, not very threatening.

 

[Guest Annetta]

@Morrtiz It isn't a nightmare situation that she is jealous, it's a very common problem that a lot of women face.  No one is perfect.  Some people are jealous, others are lazy, some pick their nose and eat it.  There is something dysfunctional in just about everyone.

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, Annetta said:

@Morrtiz It isn't a nightmare situation that she is jealous, it's a very common problem that a lot of women face.  No one is perfect.  Some people are jealous, others are lazy, some pick their nose and eat it.  There is something dysfunctional in just about everyone.

It's not a nightmare situation that she is jealous. That's just an emotion that she feels. I've felt jealous before. It's a human thing that comes up here and there... unless it's a chronic issue as it is for some. In this case, you should be able to be vulnerable enough to communicate your insecurity to your partner, realize that it's not healthy, and try to let it go. A healthy partner will understand and validate your emotions and will communicate what he feels about it too. 

However, if she thinks that her emotions of jealousy are justification for placing controls on her partner, then that is a nightmare situation. It will suck her partner's soul dry, especially if it turns into something serious. Life will be a prison, and there will be no peace in life. No one should have to stop doing normal things to make another person feel more secure, and that includes talking to other women. My rule of thumb is that having a relationship should not interrupt the normal flow of your humanity. Your partner should not be the boundary between you and living a full, free, and peaceful life. 

[Spiral]

I kind have the opposite problem I am way too trusting and confident in my self. I mean most American married women cheat. http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=124040

Edited June 18, 2017 by Spiral

[Guest Annetta]

@Emerald All he needs to do is to tell her that she has nothing to worry about but he will not compromise his friendships and to keep that boundary in place.  All other actions should then be left to her.  If she sabotages the relationship, that is her problem.  But her feelings about it are still justified. 

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Spiral said:

I kind have the opposite problem I am way to trusting and confident in my self. I mean most American married women cheat. So i should change that about myself http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=124040

That's actually not true because it's not based on any real research. It's one of those things that is meant to induce fear in people so they're more likely to buy things. Here's another source that's based in a study...

"Many research studies attempt to estimate exactly how many people engage in infidelity, and the statistics appear reliable when studies focus on sexual intercourse, deal with heterosexual couples, and draw from large, representative, national samples. From the 1994 General Social Survey of 884 men and 1288 women, 78% of men and 88% of women denied ever having extramarital (EM) sex (Wiederman, 1997). The 1991-1996 General Social Surveys report similar data; in those years 13% of respondents admitted to having had EM sex (Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001).

In the 1981 National Survey of Women, 10% of the overall sample had a secondary sex partner. Married women were the least likely (4%), dating women more likely (18%), and cohabiting women most likely (20%) to have had a secondary sex partner (Forste & Tanfer, 1996). […]"

[Guest Annetta]

@Morrtiz And it sounds to me like you're a perfectionist.  

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, Annetta said:

@Emerald All he needs to do is to tell her that she has nothing to worry about but he will not compromise his friendships and to keep that boundary in place.  All other actions should then be left to her.  If she sabotages the relationship, that is her problem.  But her feelings about it are still justified. 

Yes. Certainly her emotions are exactly as they should be considering where she's at psychologically. I'm not invalidating the fact that she feels that way. But I'm also saying that it's likely for her to try to control the relationship because of her emotions. It's important that she works on herself, otherwise the relationship will be unhealthy. Unhealthy people can't make a healthy relationship. 

[Guest Annetta]

@Emerald Agreed.  In the meantime the best electroBeam can do is to set boundaries with her on what he will and will not accept - I have not had a healthy relationship so I cannot give proper advice on how to set boundaries, but if you have some examples it might be helpful.  
Perhaps while still maintaining friendships with other women, he could be more affectionate with his girlfriend?  Or better yet, have them meet and befriend one another so that she sees that the other woman is no threat.  He could schedule a lunch where just the two of them hang out for a while.

[Emerald]

Just now, Annetta said:

@Emerald Agreed.  In the meantime the best electroBeam can do is to set boundaries with her on what he will and will not accept - I have not had a healthy relationship so I cannot give proper advice on how to set boundaries, but if you have some examples it might be helpful.  
Perhaps while still maintaining friendships with other women, he could be more affectionate with his girlfriend?  Or better yet, have them meet and befriend one another so that she sees that the other woman is no threat.  He could schedule a lunch where just the two of them hang out for a while.

I'd say that those are good ideas. Introducing them could alleviate her fears if they aren't deep fears. If I were in @electroBeam's shoes, I'd sit down and really talk with her about it and assure her that he won't ever deceive her. He will always be straight forward with his intentions, so she'll never have to wonder. And to not worry about his female friends because he's not interested in them. But I would also set her straight that he will continue to have female friends and interact with women because that's just how the world works. But also reassure her that he'll never do anything to make her feel less in any way.

[Spiral]

@Emerald While I do agree that 50% is a bit ridiculous, the source you cited is really old."1991-1996 General Social Surveys"and "In the 1981 National Survey of Women". I can imagine that people being less faithful these days(no source to back that up thought )

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@Emerald While I do agree that 50% is a bit ridiculous, the source you cited is really old."1991-1996 General Social Surveys"and "In the 1981 National Survey of Women". I can imagine that people being less faithful these days(no source to back that up thought )

That's a good point. But I'd imagine that it's not too much different now than it was then. People have never not been people, even if social patterns have changed a bit with the rise in social media.

Edited June 18, 2017 by Emerald

[sgn]

I had an extremely jealous girlfriend once. I guess it's because she was afraid of losing me.
Little did she know that her angry behavior was counter productive. I got tired of her and broke up with her.
I don't think the chance of someone cheating goes down when faced with this jealousy. But the opposite.

 

[Prabhaker]

17 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Handle Girlfriend Who Get Jealous

She can handle herself.