The More I Dig The More I Hate My Family

[sgn]

I have so much anger towards my family. I think I always had. My mom, my dad, siblings. I just see it more clearly now.

I don't think they really respect me. Never did. My father once told me I can never do anything right. Which I've always already been telling myself.

My sister have talked to others about me like I'm not there and said she thinks I'm unintelligent etc which I already been telling myself also all my life.

Just some examples. It's like in these moments what they really think comes to the surface. And I also think they are to blame mostly for my lifelong low self-esteem.
Because of all the stuff in childhood etc.

The last couple of years they have been "good". But the damage is already done long time ago. They probably still have these opinions about me.

I feel ashamed for having these thoughts and feelings about them. I haven't allowed myself that before. And also ashamed for how I am.
Because some part of me think they are right and I deserve it.

I don't know if I can forgive. I want to. But if they don't really respect me I don't feel like I want to be nice to them.

And no I'm not perfect either.

[Prabhaker]

@sgn

One wants to be admired because one has no respect for oneself. We are brought up with guilt feelings deeply rooted in us. From the very beginning we are condemned by the parents, by the teachers, by the whole establishment.

A single note is continuously repeated to every child: that 'Whatsoever you are doing is not right. You are doing what should not be done; and you are not doing what should be done.' Every child is given directly and indirectly the impression that he is not really wanted, that his parents are tired, that he is being somehow tolerated, that he is a nuisance.

This creates a deep wound in every person, and a rejection of oneself arises. To cover up that wound we expect admiration, admiration is a compensation...

If you respect yourself that is more than enough; if you love yourself there is no need for any admiration, there is no desire at all, because once you start expecting admiration from others you start compromising with them. 

You have to fulfill their expectations, only then will they admire you. You have to be according to their dictates, you cannot live a life of freedom. You become crippled and paralyzed, you become retarded, you don't grow up.

You become so afraid of your own self that you are constantly on guard, because you know if you allow yourself; you are bound to do something wrong -- because all that you have ever done was labelled wrong and now there is a trembling inside. You cannot depend on yourself, you have to depend on others.

This is a very psychological strategy to create slavery. Condemn the person in his own eyes and he will remain dependent on others. The priests have done this for centuries: create guilt and the person will never be rebellious, he will always be obedient because he will always be rooted in fear. He cannot gather enough courage to say no to something that is absolutely wrong in his vision. In spite of himself he will go on accepting the authoritative, the powerful. Those who wield power, those who have might, simultaneously become right for him.

And as time passes this self-condemnation goes on getting deeper and deeper; it becomes your very being. You become just a wound while you could have been a lotus flower! Your whole energy becomes poisoned.

Accept yourself, respect your uniqueness, and drop comparison, be yourself. Relax into your being.

[Emerald]

7 minutes ago, Prabhaker said:

@sgn

One wants to be admired because one has no respect for oneself. We are brought up with guilt feelings deeply rooted in us. From the very beginning we are condemned by the parents, by the teachers, by the whole establishment.

A single note is continuously repeated to every child: that 'Whatsoever you are doing is not right. You are doing what should not be done; and you are not doing what should be done.' Every child is given directly and indirectly the impression that he is not really wanted, that his parents are tired, that he is being somehow tolerated, that he is a nuisance.

This creates a deep wound in every person, and a rejection of oneself arises. To cover up that wound we expect admiration, admiration is a compensation...

If you respect yourself that is more than enough; if you love yourself there is no need for any admiration, there is no desire at all, because once you start expecting admiration from others you start compromising with them. 

You have to fulfill their expectations, only then will they admire you. You have to be according to their dictates, you cannot live a life of freedom. You become crippled and paralyzed, you become retarded, you don't grow up.

You become so afraid of your own self that you are constantly on guard, because you know if you allow yourself; you are bound to do something wrong -- because all that you have ever done was labelled wrong and now there is a trembling inside. You cannot depend on yourself, you have to depend on others.

This is a very psychological strategy to create slavery. Condemn the person in his own eyes and he will remain dependent on others. The priests have done this for centuries: create guilt and the person will never be rebellious, he will always be obedient because he will always be rooted in fear. He cannot gather enough courage to say no to something that is absolutely wrong in his vision. In spite of himself he will go on accepting the authoritative, the powerful. Those who wield power, those who have might, simultaneously become right for him.

And as time passes this self-condemnation goes on getting deeper and deeper; it becomes your very being. You become just a wound while you could have been a lotus flower! Your whole energy becomes poisoned.

Accept yourself, respect your uniqueness, and drop comparison, be yourself. Relax into your being.

Well said.  

[SFRL]

On 6/17/2017 at 7:31 PM, sgn said:

I have so much anger towards my family. I think I always had. My mom, my dad, siblings. I just see it more clearly now.

I don't think they really respect me. Never did. My father once told me I can never do anything right. Which I've always already been telling myself.

My sister have talked to others about me like I'm not there and said she thinks I'm unintelligent etc which I already been telling myself also all my life.

Just some examples. It's like in these moments what they really think comes to the surface. And I also think they are to blame mostly for my lifelong low self-esteem.
Because of all the stuff in childhood etc.

The last couple of years they have been "good". But the damage is already done long time ago. They probably still have these opinions about me.

I feel ashamed for having these thoughts and feelings about them. I haven't allowed myself that before. And also ashamed for how I am.
Because some part of me think they are right and I deserve it.

I don't know if I can forgive. I want to. But if they don't really respect me I don't feel like I want to be nice to them.

And no I'm not perfect either.

Same here man. I am seriously pissed off with my family right now. 

With me I have developed some serious anger aggression. Which I think is the same as depression and low self esteem. The difference is mine is finding a way outward hours is internalized. 

How old are you? I am 33. I can tell you that shit won't get better over time. 

[sgn]

@Prabhaker Thanks for taking the time. Well put.

Let's say I manage to accept myself. And also forgive. Should I still be in contact with them and be friendly etc even if I don't think they accept me? I feel like it's undeserved. Maybe see that it's not really about me. It's their own problems, insecurities etc they are projecting on me?
So maybe I find compassion?

[sgn]

11 minutes ago, SFRL said:

Same here man. I am seriously pissed off with my family right now. 

With me I have developed some serious anger aggression. Which I think is the same as depression and low self esteem. The difference is mine is finding a way outward hours is internalized. 

How old are you? I am 33. I can tell you that shit won't get better over time. 

Hi. What do you mean by "finding a way outward hours is internalized"?

I'm 28. Lol no, it doesn't get better. I must dig deep into this and resolve it I think. I didn't even know I had all this anger in me at first.
If I let it be, it would probably feel the same or worse in the future.

[Emerald]

19 minutes ago, SFRL said:

Same here man. I am seriously pissed off with my family right now. 

With me I have developed some serious anger aggression. Which I think is the same as depression and low self esteem. The difference is mine is finding a way outward hours is internalized. 

How old are you? I am 33. I can tell you that shit won't get better over time. 

If you don't mind my asking, was your mom very controlling and nit-picky/critical of you?

[SFRL]

3 minutes ago, sgn said:

Hi. What do you mean by "finding a way outward hours is internalized"?

I'm 28. Lol no, it doesn't get better. I must dig deep into this and resolve it I think. I didn't even know I had all this anger in me at first.
If I let it be, it would probably feel the same or worse in the future.

Autocorrect did that. I meant your aggression goes inward so it turns into depression. 

By 28 you have given it a chance to get better. It didn't. And it won't. 

For me it's like I need to deal with all this manipulation. First it was my relationships and my career. Now it is my daughter. 

You need to cut it. I don't know how you experience that but for me it's like I step in the same trap over and over again. 

 

[SFRL]

7 minutes ago, Emerald said:

If you don't mind my asking, was your mom very controlling and nit-picky/critical of you?

Yes

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, SFRL said:

Yes

I'm sorry to hear that. 

[SFRL]

@sgn nothing to be ashamed about. You would think your family wants the best for you. But That's often not the case. They want the best for themselves. You are just a puppet in their ego play. The thing is you don't need to play.

[sgn]

23 minutes ago, SFRL said:

Autocorrect did that. I meant your aggression goes inward so it turns into depression. 

By 28 you have given it a chance to get better. It didn't. And it won't. 

For me it's like I need to deal with all this manipulation. First it was my relationships and my career. Now it is my daughter. 

You need to cut it. I don't know how you experience that but for me it's like I step in the same trap over and over again. 

 

Hehe ok. Well I meant that the emotions won't resolve themselves if I just ignore it.
Like I said the past couple of years it's been ok. They threat me ok. But memories is still there. And I still believe they have negative opinions about me. Hmm..

[Guest Annetta]

You're probably codependent, as many who have had to please an angry, depressed, anxious, mentally ill, alcoholic, addicted, narcissistic or generally abusive family member can turn out to be.  It's like living with a half-formed identity that is focused on other instead of self and it is painful.
Google shame based personality and codependency.

 

[Emerald]

5 minutes ago, sgn said:

Hehe ok. Well I meant that the emotions won't resolve themselves if I just ignore it.
Like I said the past couple of years it's been ok. They threat me ok. But memories is still there. And I still believe they have negative opinions about me. Hmm..

Don't worry. You can always find ways to resolve emotional issues even if they are established in childhood. So, it can get better. One thing that's helped me is to recognize that I'm just part of an impersonal pattern. So, my issues were mainly with my mom, and I've carried a lot of anger toward her. However, I see now that she really didn't see herself as being in the wrong and even was able to convince herself that she has the best intentions for me. I also see that she is the way she is due to her upbringing, and that my grandparents are the way they are due to their upbringing, and so on and so on. Most people don't do intentionally malicious things. So, in seeing this, it's easier to give forgiveness on this level.

Once you've let go to a certain degree, you can start to face the emotions head on with awareness. If you focus on how the body and mind work together to create the experience of trauma, you'll get new insights into why the trauma reaction is so tenacious in the first place. If you focus on the emotional reactions that arise in the body with full awareness, it will enable you to process through the most negative stored emotions.

[Prabhaker]

54 minutes ago, sgn said:

Should I still be in contact with them and be friendly etc even if I don't think they accept me? I feel like it's undeserved. Maybe see that it's not really about me. It's their own problems, insecurities etc they are projecting on me?
So maybe I find compassion?

Love yourself, it means meditation. It means to be yourself. And nature will bring love as a reward. If you meditate and slowly, slowly get out of the ego and out of your personality and realize your real self, love will come on its own. You don't have to do anything, it is a spontaneous flowering. Unless you love yourself you cannot love anybody else.  

Love others ,forgive others but don’t forgive in the sense that you are obliging. Don’t forgive as a duty, because then it creates the ego, and a very subtle ego. The holy ego is the worst possible ego in the world. So don’t be righteous. Take it with ease; to forgive, should come naturally, and then it is really a benediction.

People ordinarily think that forgiveness is for those who are worthy of it, who deserve it. But if somebody deserves, is worthy of forgiveness, it is not much of a forgiveness. You are not doing anything on your part; he deserves it. You are not really being love and compassion. Your forgiveness will be authentic only when even those who don't deserve it receive it. The question is not whether anybody is worthy or not. The question is whether you have the consciousness. 

Be in contact with them , when you become more integrated , more compassionate, when you can forgive them naturally.

[Guest Annetta]

Here is some more info on it, got a lot of good stuff in that link.

[S33K3R]

On 6/18/2017 at 1:31 AM, sgn said:

I have so much anger towards my family. I think I always had. My mom, my dad, siblings. I just see it more clearly now.

I don't think they really respect me. Never did. My father once told me I can never do anything right. Which I've always already been telling myself.

My sister have talked to others about me like I'm not there and said she thinks I'm unintelligent etc which I already been telling myself also all my life.

Your family sounds like mine! I am 32 years old and am still working out my personal belief systems to accommodate my less than ideal upbringing. I had to realize some important things. 
1. Is it more important to punish them or be happy?
2. I chose to be happy. So I moved onto the reality of the situation. My dad was raised in a really crappy place, he actually turned out great. He lacks the ability to love, respect and never tries to contact me. But I realize he is deeply a lonely man. He doesn't contact any of us kids and yet... He raised us all. He did the job and doesn't have the emotional capacity to accept the reward. Loving children that want nothing more than to be in his life. Its hard to be mad after realizing this. 
3. Some of my relationships were toxic I made a conscious decision that my sister cannot be in my life. She is narcissistic and is much like my dad with a weird hate for me that she has even told me "I cant explain why I hate you". I hope the best for her but I am happy without her fully. 
4. It is what it is I cant change them by feeling hurt. So I just say fuck it in the end. If they want to be in my life they will call. I am tired of being embarrassed. They are the ones who will be ashamed if they never get to know me. 
5. I always make more of an effort to contact them than they do me. That way they know the door is open if they want to be in my life on my terms. 

 

Unfortunately we cant choose our family my friend, the world is quite the unfair place. I also believe in karma and because of that I believe I chose this life for these exact challenges but I don't want to get religious on ya  

 

[sgn]

Thanks for the responses.

@Annetta I will check this out.