Getting Things Further With A Crush

[Key Elements]

On 2017-6-17 at 8:56 AM, ElenaO said:

Well, I get your point. But I honestly do not know what to tell him or how/where to invite him. I don't think I am afraid of rejection, as you mention it here. I am tougher than you think. The problem is that I simply do not know how to move this forward. I guess because of the lack of the experience, since guys were usually the ones doing this. 

Oh, you started a fun little thread here.  But, sorry, I didn't get a chance to read everyone's response.

I highlighted what you said because it really reminded me of this quote:

If you have a chance, just ask him out for coffee to have a little chat or lunch. Like, "Hey, I know of a good restaurant that we could try." Or, he could choose first.

You sound like you have confidence - win or lose - it will always be win because you'll learn the lesson and move on. 

[ElenaO]

@Key Elements You are so totally right! I do feel exactly that I am trying to become someone I want to marry

Well, the more I talk to my colleague, the more I like him. Problem is I have expectations, whereas I should just go with the flow and not force or control the outcome. 

Thank you so much for support. Being honest I was a bit disappointed that I started this thread, because people around are just harsh. Now I realize how I may sound when I am harsh in my comments towards others 

[Key Elements]

43 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

Being honest I was a bit disappointed that I started this thread, because people around are just harsh. Now I realize how I may sound when I am harsh in my comments towards others 

One of the biggest lessons I learned in this life is, only you know what's best for yourself. Others can only give you tips, but you have to further research and look deeply into the tip before making that final decision. 

[Guest Annetta]

Honestly, if the guy was interested he would have made a move.  He has not, and therefore probably views you as a friend.  Most men find it a turn off when women try to initiate something first.

[Toby]

37 minutes ago, Annetta said:

Honestly, if the guy was interested he would have made a move.  He has not, and therefore probably views you as a friend.  Most men find it a turn off when women try to initiate something first.

This is not true. You have to remember that this is the work environment. Men will play it very very safe. He could be interested, he could just be interested in sex, he could not be interested. I wouldn't conclude that he is not interested when he doesn't make a move. It depends on the woman. If the woman acts cold and distant all the time - the man waits for the woman to open up first.

[Guest Annetta]

@Toby Perhaps, but I imagine he'll probably be banging one of her coworkers in a few months.

[egoeimai]

I agree with Toby. I view men as individuals not different from women. They have feelings too. They're people. So they can be shy,they can be insecure,they can have all these qualities women have from time to time. So I think there are several reasons he may not acted yet, maybe he is afraid of rejection (he likes her), or maybe he is generally shy (fear again but more personalized), or he was hurt in last relationships (fear of happening the same), or he has a big ego and he wants the other to show interest first. Oh, there are so many factors,and the chance of not liking her in this circumstance is rare, but overall is a possibility. Most people that believe they believe they are not wanted (even if they got signals so far ) is because they're afraid to believe the opposite (they like them) so fear of rejection again and they play it safe in their minds. 

[ElenaO]

3 hours ago, Toby said:

This is not true. You have to remember that this is the work environment. Men will play it very very safe. He could be interested, he could just be interested in sex, he could not be interested. I wouldn't conclude that he is not interested when he doesn't make a move. It depends on the woman. If the woman acts cold and distant all the time - the man waits for the woman to open up first.

I am in no way acting cold and distant  

[ElenaO]

2 hours ago, Annetta said:

@Toby Perhaps, but I imagine he'll probably be banging one of her coworkers in a few months.

There's almost no women coworkers here  I work in IT. There's another really young girl. And she's no competition. Pretty sure. 

[Toby]

5 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

I am in no way acting cold and distant  

It is a matter how the guy perceives you, not how you perceive yourself. Just if you are for example overthinking things, have an agenda (relationship) or expect him to do everything for you.... you could easily come across as closed and distant to him. Doesn't matter if you smile and if you are friendly in a conversation. But of course I don't know you or the dude nor the dynamics that are playing out with you two. I'm just reporting what a man could perceive in such a situation.

[rakuul]

11 minutes ago, ElenaO said:

There's almost no women coworkers here  I work in IT. There's another really young girl. And she's no competition. Pretty sure. 

You mentioned that the direct approach makes you feel "weird" ...what does this exactly mean? Can you detail a little in more precise words?

[ElenaO]

3 hours ago, Toby said:

It is a matter how the guy perceives you, not how you perceive yourself. Just if you are for example overthinking things, have an agenda (relationship) or expect him to do everything for you.... you could easily come across as closed and distant to him. Doesn't matter if you smile and if you are friendly in a conversation. But of course I don't know you or the dude nor the dynamics that are playing out with you two. I'm just reporting what a man could perceive in such a situation.

Yes, maybe this discussion got too far. I am kind of disappointed that I've even started it. People assume you are some kind of idiot. 
 

[ElenaO]

3 hours ago, rakuul said:

You mentioned that the direct approach makes you feel "weird" ...what does this exactly mean? Can you detail a little in more precise words?

I mean that it doesn't feel natural and I would feel like I am pushing it. 
Besides, maybe we aren't that close yet, after all. That's why it does feel weird to ask him out. Maybe it does feel same to him. 

[egoeimai]

Don't feel disappointed sweetheart it gets better. This is how it is with the crush. ?

[egoeimai]

1 hour ago, Morrtiz said:

By the time you get round to making the ego feel slightly less intimidated and anxious he will be long gone

So? 

[Guest Annetta]

Make him a mix tape.    (I'm just messin')

[ajasatya]

On 22/06/2017 at 2:26 AM, Annetta said:

@Toby Perhaps, but I imagine he'll probably be banging one of her coworkers in a few months.

@Annetta, you're just projecting your own insecurities. be aware of the way you talk about men and check whether you are the one thinking of men as a means to your own egoistical satisfaction. would you enjoy a male company that acts just like you would like him to act? would you enjoy a relationship in which you'd be in complete control?

i wish you the best.

[egoeimai]

On Thursday, June 22, 2017 at 8:26 AM, Annetta said:

@Toby Perhaps, but I imagine he'll probably be banging one of her coworkers in a few months.

I personally believe that he won't. 

I'm saying that because @ajasatya  commented on this. 

I believe most men are not like that in reality. 

 

 

[Key Elements]

 

[Guest Annetta]

@ajasatya Not really, you don't really know me or my preferences all that well.  I'm submissive, prefer to give up control and a good number of 'em are testy, it is what it is.

Spiritual folks.  Not every observation is a projection.  Ok?  Ok.