Getting Things Further With A Crush

[Toby]

The best thing would be to reveal your interest (not that you want to marry him tomorrow and already started planning the wedding) but that you want to be intimate with him. And please make sure that he understands that you are not a drama queen who talks shit behind his back at work in case things end up not working out.

[Kimasxi]

18 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Well, I get your point. But I honestly do not know what to tell him or how/where to invite him. I don't think I am afraid of rejection, as you mention it here. I am tougher than you think. The problem is that I simply do not know how to move this forward. I guess because of the lack of the experience, since guys were usually the ones doing this. 

I think that the form doesn't matter. Or at least it should not matter to you because the beauty of being free to do what you want is probably so much better than getting this one particular guy. I think you do not need experience to just do anything. It's like when you play a game of communicating sth without using the words, and you just use your gestures, body language and can get across. Possible? Possible. 

The thing is that
you are resisting something. 
And you must find out what you are resisting. The reason "I have no idea/experience" may be a rationalization for something you don't do because of that resistance.

[Will]

On 2017-6-17 at 4:54 AM, ElenaO said:

a little of a too naive question

to be fair no question is .. this sounds like you think you know what your talking about.. allow yourself some space that you dont know and this will help you make less assumptions.. hence you will act more..

On 2017-6-17 at 4:54 AM, ElenaO said:

he has started showing some real interest

That another assumption too.. we always like to extrapolate what has happened.. we went for lunch sooo he must be interested... do you think this is effective?? again let go that you think you know something.. try to let it go and be with the moment..

On 2017-6-17 at 4:54 AM, ElenaO said:

(my guess)

You naturally left some wiggle room here.. thats great.. that will allow for more

 

On 2017-6-17 at 4:54 AM, ElenaO said:

but I think the guy should be the one really asking me out

again your past traditions are limiting .. ..

It really is upto you what you wish to do.. if you like him and dont want to be without its obvious.. go and grab it..

If you feel its his position to come up and ask.. your forcing your view on the world to act in accordance with you.. which leads to pain and anguish..

You can expect the world to act in a certain way if you wish but just try it and see what the result is..

We barely have control of ourselves, how on earth can we expect to get people to act according to our expectations..

 

I cant stress this enough.

Expecting someone to fulfill your fantasy is ludicrous..

 

However

If thats important to you thats fine but you could however get into a casual fun discussion with him about how dating works and how its happened in the past.. but thats touching on manipulation.. not my cup of tea..

 

It really comes down to do you want to get it or are you only going to allow it if it meets your guidelines..

Id much rather ,personally, that they did something naturally rather than due to a social cultural requirement..

Its like saying to your partner " We are married so we are in love...." 

Do as you will no judgement.. xx

 

 

[ElenaO]

On 2017-6-17 at 7:27 PM, Emerald said:

My advice is to make it clear that you're attracted to him without actually telling him verbatim. Give him little subtle invites. Like if a guy was too afraid to make the first move but I suspected he liked me I'd say something to him like, "Oh you're such a gentleman... you should really quit that." This shouldn't be out of nowhere but should fit with the conversation and be very good natured. Also, you can touch him in playful but platonic ways. When you see him, sneak up behind him and put your hands over his eyes. Give him a hug when you part ways. Ask him what he's thinking about. Little hints like this will give him a clearer message. If he still doesn't approach but seems interested, you can always ask him out too. 

I really resonate with your advice. And I think I've given him quite some hints. However, touching him or putting hands over his eyes really won't work in our case. People aren't that close at work. Plus, we live in Finland and physical contact is only appropriate with some very close people. 
If I give him a hug I would be seen as a weirdo. No one hugs at our workplace. Which is sad  
 

[ElenaO]

On 2017-6-17 at 6:05 PM, SFRL said:

@ElenaO you ask him do you want to go see this movie? This day this time. 

Then you put on a skirt. And you put on your pretty clothes. And you do your make-up. Make sure your hair looks nice. And put on some perfume. 

Then at the movie YOU buy ONE big pop-corn and ONE big bucket of soda.

Then 15 minutes into the movie you put your hand on his knee. Then you brush your shoulder against him. Then you start looking sideways at him from the corners of your eyes. 

................

Haha, thanks for advice  Except I don't usually go to movies, I don't drink soda or eat popcorn  
 

[ElenaO]

23 hours ago, Morrtiz said:

Oh dear! Lol

What a double bind! 

Would your life not be so much better if you just do what your feelings are asking you to do? Just ask the guy out and quit the games. 

It's not human nature to mess around in the conceptual mind wondering what is going to happen and who should be doing what and when.

I hope you can see how much pressure you are putting yourself under by holding onto these social rules?

What is more important? Social pressure or your physical and emotional needs?

Wait! You think needing to be asked out first is an authentic emotional need?

 

Hahahaha!

 

Nope. It's not. It's a mind game. 

 

Either live your own life or be lived by other people's self binding standards.

Well, you are oversimplifying this a little. If we would just follow our emotional/physical needs we would all have extramarital affairs and do who knows what  
So it's a bit of too simple approach, in my opinion.

[ElenaO]

23 hours ago, Spiral said:

@ElenaO Don't do anything, wait until he gets the feels, if he does, he'll make a move. Although show how that you are into him, to make it easier for him, being touchy works. 

That's exactly what I want to do! I think I must just calm myself down and let it flow.
I was thinking just today about the reason of getting interested in him in the first place. I mean, yeah, he's really good looking and in a super good shape. But there's tons of guys out there who are also like that. I think the reason I've got triggered and started liking him is exactly because he's showed interest in me. Then I got to know him a little better and now I want to know him even more. But the reason I've fallen for him was, actually, triggered by him.

[ElenaO]

22 hours ago, Toby said:

The best thing would be to reveal your interest (not that you want to marry him tomorrow and already started planning the wedding) but that you want to be intimate with him. And please make sure that he understands that you are not a drama queen who talks shit behind his back at work in case things end up not working out.

Check and check

[ElenaO]

19 hours ago, Kimasxi said:

I think that the form doesn't matter. Or at least it should not matter to you because the beauty of being free to do what you want is probably so much better than getting this one particular guy. I think you do not need experience to just do anything. It's like when you play a game of communicating sth without using the words, and you just use your gestures, body language and can get across. Possible? Possible. 

The thing is that
you are resisting something. 
And you must find out what you are resisting. The reason "I have no idea/experience" may be a rationalization for something you don't do because of that resistance.

I think you definitely have a point here. I will try to contemplate on this. Thank you.

[ElenaO]

18 hours ago, Morrtiz said:

Here, say:

Hi. Me and some friends are going out for some drinks tonight, and I was wondering if you would like to come along?

There will be three of us meeting at X bar at 7:30.

See you there?

(You take your two girl friends so they can entertain each other when you shift onto the dancefloor with him after he has bought you a couple of drinks. Or even better take a friend and her boyfriend - this will practically guarantee he makes a move on you).

This is easy, it's so easy that it takes no thought at all.

 I don't drink. And I haven't been to a club in ages  Not interested. And I wouldn't want a relationship where we would do such things.  

[SFRL]

1 hour ago, ElenaO said:

Haha, thanks for advice  Except I don't usually go to movies, I don't drink soda or eat popcorn  
 

That's a great opportunity for self-development then, instead of keeping stuck in your limiting beliefs.

Edited June 18, 2017 by SFRL

[rakuul]

What is the issue with simply being upfront about it? 

What if you talked to him as openly about this as you did on this thread?

[ElenaO]

23 minutes ago, rakuul said:

What is the issue with simply being upfront about it? 

What if you talked to him as openly about this as you did on this thread?

Hm, I could consider this. However, I would have to get super frustrated with the situation to get this out of me.

[ElenaO]

13 minutes ago, Morrtiz said:

Not the sharpest tool in the box.  Clubs, restaurants, yoga class...all the same. Pick your passtime. The point is these social situations are all there to be taken advantage of for getting our needs met.

If you're a normal person.

I think the reason this doesn't happen has nothing to do with how we spent time. As I mentioned we've been alone during lunches already. However, there was no direct suggestion neither from me nor from him about what we actually want. So I think asking him out isn't even needed. As we've kind of "been out".
Maybe he's not that into me, after all. 
 

[egoeimai]

1 hour ago, Morrtiz said:

@ElenaO God. What an overly complicated neurotic, self sabotaging, lost in the mind, delusional piece of crap.

You're an idiot who deserves to be alone until you can grow out of your high school complexes.

What a mornon 

 

You're sad. Don't ever talk like this to people.  You may regret it later.

[egoeimai]

1 minute ago, Morrtiz said:

So you would rather I lie? Blimey, no wonder you're having to come onto the internet for answers to lifes mysteries. What a mind fuck 

Oh well! Whatever kid!

We love you with your flaws! 

[Will]

2 hours ago, egoeimai said:

You're sad. Don't ever talk like this to people.  You may regret it later.

Lol, you have to admit his troll got ya there,,  It could also be a hijacker too.. anyway its not big concern.. 

they are way out on the delusional tight rope, dont make a noise, they can fall and hurt themselves.. After all its just you..

If the abuse continues we can just get that account deleted... Sticks and stones yeah??

2 hours ago, egoeimai said:

We love you with your flaws! 

Was this genuine?? possibly use a different word..??

It does not want to hear it and a word like flaw, is an underhanded judgement..

we are all the same thing remember.. respect all poles.. up down, left right, warm cold.. for without them we dont exist.. In fact be thankfull.. Would you want to live with all that anxiety and resentment.. reread its words..

[Will]

@Morrtiz Hey man, we all are a bit cra cra right?? that why we are here, to try and sort through all the bullshit.. IM not sure where your at right now but do you have something to say about your own situation or are you happy just degrading others to make yourself feel better. 

the hardest stuff you will ever do is admit to others what your own crap is and try and accept the realities of a situation.. soo much easier to pretend other are at fault..

A few of us here are pretty skilled at it , so if you dare maybe youd like to suggest how your soo much better and we could show you how flawed that premise is, if you dare?? Its alright if your too scared to share.. allot are..

 

[Will]

@ElenaO I read some more replies and it really does sound as though your social/cultural boundaries really define you.. and they are pretty restrictive.. 

Im not sure how you would go about getting people to act they way you think they should either..

Its a tough problem.. your restricted by your boundaries and your also restiricting his boundaries and you wondering why your not getting what you want...

Have you had any suggestions here yet..

If you pretty certain you want to still maintain those boundaries, which is cool. Can you let us know how you solve?? its a curly one..

[Will]

@Morrtiz You I think one of your mates got drunk and highjacked you account.. hahahaha. lol.. who ever it was , was ummm. interesting to say the least..