Cutting My Mom Out Of My Life?

[metamorphose]

Hey there,

I'm seeking advise on wether I should cut my mom out of my life or not, and if so how to do it. This may sound rather drastic, but I'm going to explain the situation and maybe you can give me some ideas

 

Background: My parents are divorced, I grew up with my dad (I live on my own now), my little brother stayed with my mom (he still lives there). I always had a good relationship with her, until the diversion. Everything was screwed up and I was really hurt as I felt left behind. She went to live with another man, thinking I will eventually follow her which I never did. My dad had no idea how to raise a child (i was 11 at that time) but we made it work out. I learned a lot and got independent at a young age. Growing up my mom and I stayed in contact, I visited her a few times a year but we never had something I would call a good relationship.

When I turned 18 I found out that my mom "stole" money that I actually should receive when being an adult (it's about 12k). It's a complicated story, the point is: My dad and I were always low on money, I could have really needed it. (Luckily I now managed to get a really good relationship with money  ). I confronted her, she never really showed guilt, said she needed it, never payed it back. If I wanted to, I could have forced her to pay it back by law, but I was like "Ok, it's just money. This will screw up the relationship to my brother and generally all the relationships within the family". I ended up forgiving her.

As the years went by, we managed to get a better relationship. We talked about "girlsstuff" like boyfriends and whatnot, she visited me at my place, we went for hikes and whatnot. It took me a while to realise, that being with her is really draining. She is the most negative person I know. Starting from negative self talk to talking negatively about others (I will never to this, I am just like this, He has a weak personality,...). She does it to an intense, you sometimes start to believe it. I can clearly tell that my brothers shy, insecure and dependent personality has a lot to do with how she raised him. Generally speaking she accuses a lot, never sees her own failures. She plays the role of always being "the woman who has a lot of bad luck and everybody is doing bad to her" when in fact she's just not able to manage her life. She never had a job for longer than half a year, cause then "everything was to much", "they treated me bad at the job",.. a ton of excuses for not having to work (in the country I life you get money when you don't have a job and she's clearly taking advantage of it).

It sounds like she is an bad person. But I truly feel that she loves me from the bottom of her heart and she is generous and kind. She just has a really messed up personality / life.  I'm not angry at her - no more. I'm just not sure if I am still willing to deal with this - sorry - shit, just for the sake of a "good" family life. I know her, she will talk bad to my brother about me, as she always did (up to the point where I don't have a relationship to my brother at all. He is quite suggestible it seems. Not to a point where he doesn't like me, it just seems he can't open up to me at all)

 

I hope what I wrote makes sense. There would be so many stories and things to tell, this is just a little overview of the relationship to my mom. Any advice?  Oh and english isn't my first language, so please excuse any mistakes

Edited June 15, 2017 by metamorphose

[harisankartj]

@metamorphose I would suggest that you do humbly diminish your relationship to your mother since you must do what is ultimately good for you.Its sad that she has come to accumulate such negative patterns of behavior but , so do other people in this world . 

HOWEVER , if you do maintain the relationship i suggest a little experiment...

Whenever she talks in a negative way, IGNORE IT . Negativity is like a field,it can be reduced by positivity. Taking in her negative comments, not playing into her behavior and essentially YOU TAKING THE LEAD WITH positivity has A POSSIBILITY that she might start to change.

 

Try watching this video . It might help you understand how to turn  your mother into a more positive person.

 

Cheers.

[ajasatya]

this is what i did: i temporarily cut my parents out of my life so i could grow and become spiritually strong. i thought is was going to be forever but i was mistaken. i just needed enough time to heal.

[HikiNEET]

See her qualities and ignore what you don't like about her. Ignore her, but love her.

[Annie]

She clearly has some issues with herself and possibly doesn't know how to deal with them herself. But she's just human after all and we all have our faults. I bet it wasn't easy for her that you were not growing up by her side so if you then, on top of everything, would cut her out of your life it would be a horrible thing for her. And for you - even if you may not see it right now. I agree with @HikiNEET : ignore what you don't like and that's it. The same way a child wants and needs affection and love from his mother, the mother wants and needs affection from her children as well.

[metamorphose]

Thanks for all your replies.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting that most of you would suggest not to cut her out. Probably you are right. I would really hurt her and in the end, even though I don't feel like I love her as a child loves her mother, in the end I would hurt myself by seeing her suffering.

I will defenitely cut the contact for a while, just to see things clearer. After that I will try the approach of loving and ignoring. I guess I will grow a lot by doing this, it's a real challenge loving someone who hurt you a lot in the past. I feel, even though I forgave her all the things she did, I could never open up my heart again. If that makes sense.

[CuteCornDog]

Mine goes above and beyond to cockblock me.

My mother.

Using the phone.

[S33K3R]

I did this with my mom kind of. She is very draining, negative and lacks any kind of ability to really love. I stopped talking to her for myself and we dont talk much. But over time I can stomach her more and more. I think eventually I will decide her negativity is no threat and only a sad thing that is happening to her. If she talks that way she must have a really sad reality she lives in. I feel sorry for her. But I always remind myself that her spiritual battle is her own and it is her right to choose how she reacts and grows from it. 

 

I am sorry your mom is like that, I would let the relationship go and see what happens. People change in the face of loosing people they care about, no matter how dysfunctional that caring is. Remember we are all on a spiritual journey and if she isn't growing then maybe some time away will help both of you