Few Relations Vs Many

[Principium Nexus]

I was wondering how you guys look at this topic. Some people only had one life partner in their lives and didn't date any other, would this be foolish because you limit what you have seen? Other might argue the person would be great at commitment and is able to explore the whole spectrum of having a long relationship, with many short ones you might never come close to that same understanding.

What are your thoughts? Do you think having few long is better than having seen many relations?

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, Principium Nexus said:

I was wondering how you guys look at this topic. Some people only had one life partner in their lives and didn't date any other, would this be foolish because you limit what you have seen? Other might argue the person would be great at commitment and is able to explore the whole spectrum of having a long relationship, with many short ones you might never come close to that same understanding.

What are your thoughts? Do you think having few long is better than having seen many relations?

My thought is that it's important to experience both. I think that if a person gets into a relationship early on and never has the ability to experiment with other partners, that this will create a lot of tension and regret. So, my advice is to have as many experiences as you want to when you're young until it gets old and boring, and then settle with someone that you have a deep friendship with. But you have to be truly done with the short flings first, otherwise you will feel torn. 

[Spiral]

The more relationships you had, the less satisfied you'd be and the more difficult you'll have finding one that suits you permanently. So pick wisely

One example (for females)  https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability/

[SFRL]

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

The more relationships you had, the less satisfied you'd be and the more difficult you'll have finding one that suits you permanently. So pick wisely

One example (for females)  https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability/

This also touches the subject of the "Alpha Widow".

I do think that simulair dynamics can be observed in men as in women regarding that research. 

[Spiral]

Just now, SFRL said:

This also touches the subject of the "Alpha Widow".

I do think that simulair dynamics can be observed in men as in women regarding that research. 

Yes of course and that is only sex, love is much more then that.

[SFRL]

2 minutes ago, Spiral said:

Yes of course and that is only sex, love is much more then that.

I am pretty sure that there is a link between sex and love to be made. 

I believe that the article makes the link between sex and love as well. 

[Prabhaker]

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

I think that if a person gets into a relationship early on and never has the ability to experiment with other partners, that this will create a lot of tension and regret.

Now I understand why we Indians are tense and sad !

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Prabhaker said:

Now I understand why we Indians are tense and sad !

 I'm very glad that I had one long relationship, a couple short flings, and a few one-night stands before meeting my husband. This is simply because the short things truly pale in comparison to my relationship. So, they don't compromise it. In fact, the dating scene is pretty sucky so I would hate to go back to it, even if there's a certain type of excitement to it. But if I hadn't experienced these things, I know that I would always be wondering about what it would be like to have those experiences if I did not partake in them. So, my view is to let life be a full adventure and try to experience as many things as you can until your intuition leads you elsewhere.

[Prabhaker]

1 minute ago, Emerald said:

So, my view is to let life be a full adventure and try to experience as many things as you can until your intuition leads you elsewhere.

In some societies , it could cost your life. 

[Emerald]

Just now, Prabhaker said:

In some societies , it could cost your life. 

That's true. I'm incredibly lucky for the circumstances of my birth.

[Emerald]

27 minutes ago, Fidelio said:

It sounds like you have one of those legendary marriages; one where you stay happily married for 50 years, and when someone asks you your secret you both blurt out simultaneously something like, "Oh, we did everything together! Two pees in a pod we are! You couldn't seperate us for all the tea in China!" Then one of you says how you rarely fought, and would cuddle up every night and whisper secrets in each other's ears, then the other says you have similar interests, and love each other's company etc.

This is what it sounds like when I've heard you mention your spectacular relationship with your husband before, and that's pretty awesome you've won the relationship lottery like you have. But I wonder if you'd be willing to make a video sharing hints and tips you've used to make your marriage so successful? Perhaps your husband could even make a cameo like Victor Oddo does with his wife on his channel? Surely you don't want to keep such a recipe for success secret?

Don't think of it as super idyllic. There were times, just a couple years ago, where we were both mired in psychological hang-ups which caused a lot of strain on our relationship. I even entertained the notion of splitting up for a while because I felt trapped in a bad spot. But I've done a lot of work on myself, and he's done a lot of work on himself too. So, we're much better than we used to be as we've dropped some of our baggage, and I can't see us falling back into such a bad spot again anytime soon. But we still bicker from time to time. So, I would say that our relationship is in the healthy range and that we feel secure about it. But we definitely have our issues still. So, I don't have any recipes for success, other than to take responsibility for your own psychological healing and hope that your partner does the same. If your partner doesn't follow suit, the relationship may unfortunately not be fixable. Luckily, my hubby has put in a lot of work into himself. So, I'm very grateful for the relationship that we have, and I'm super proud of him. 

[Emerald]

44 minutes ago, Fidelio said:

Studies show that people who have had only one partner have happier marriages with less chance of divorce. Don't shoot the messenger

I believe the statistics but (given my experiences) I think that those studies show more of a correlation and not necessarily a causation.

I think this finding has much more to do with the type of person that only has one partner in the first place as opposed to the actual activity of having many partners or just one. 

From the perspective of the divorced people who have had multiple partners: A lot of times, people look for multiple partners or end up hopping from relationship to relationship because of psychological hang-ups that sap them of their happiness and stability. So, a person who rambles a lot as a single person will likely take this into their relationship dynamic and will eventually feel the weight of their unmet needs and come to the conclusion that divorce is the necessary course of action. Then, they will end up in another marriage and find themselves in the same spot again as they may feel that they can either be single and alone or married and trapped. But this won't end until they figure out what they're really looking for, which can only be found inside of themselves.

From the perspective of the happy people with the same partner for life: Also, it's important not to underestimate a person's ability to lie to themselves about how happy they are. If a person has invested a lot in a relationship and the fact that it's been their only relationship, they're unlikely to break it off just because they don't want to lose that part of their identity. So, even if it's a really unhappy relationship, fear of the unknown, fear of loss of friends, home, identity, and stability, along with social taboos regarding divorce may lead a person to convince themselves that they are, indeed, in a happy marriage when they are not. I know that with my first boyfriend, we were together for four years and it was an objectively awful relationship that was a huge weight on my life. But I still thought I was happy and I was very attached to the idea of only having one partner for my entire life. But when I had my experiences of ego-transcendence, one thing that became totally clear was that I was miserable in the relationship and that the weight of "staying together for life" was sapping the relationship and myself of even more happiness. 

So, the findings of those studies are predictable and undoubtedly accurate but don't necessarily point to the real truth of the matter given the degree of unawareness people have relative to their uncomfortable emotions. 

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, Fidelio said:

Even so, it sounds like your marriage is better than most. You should totally do a video with him You said you were going to do more videos soon, and I'm sure your viewers would love to see this husband of yours you frequently mention

#EmeraldDoaVideoWithHubby

It's trending!

I may in the future.

[Guest Annetta]

@Fidelio You're a goober. 

Edited June 13, 2017 by Annetta

[Emerald]

26 minutes ago, Fidelio said:

Oh, I don't know if you've taken advanced psychology courses of the kind where you need to conduct research, but it generally goes like this: you develop a hypothesis, a method for testing it, and then you try and come up with all the ways your hypothesis could be biased or skewed, and then you try to account for those things in your methodology and control group(s). The "type of person who would have only one partner" etc. was one of those obvious things they accounted for. I'm not saying I agree with the conclusion or not as I haven't researched this, but the evidence currently suggests that more partners tends to lead to overall increased unhappiness in a marriage and increased odds of divorce, and the opposite is true with fewer partners.

All I can speak to is my own experience. So, I could be wrong. But I suspect that people are mostly similar in this way. 

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Fidelio said:

See, this is why you need to do a joint video with your hubby, so we can get both of your perspectives Since girls like Annie and Loreena (and I think Egomai?) are hoping to find soulmates of their own one day, it would also be helpful for them to see what type of man makes a great husband. Just do it!

 

You can tag them in this, if you want:

I'll talk about my experience with initial attraction dynamics because this has to fall in place first. But this is only the first few months of a relationship. After the first few months, you should be more focused toward developing a deeper friendship and a strong partnership. It requires a completely different kind of cultivating than the initial hoopla of falling in love. It's a different set of neuro-chemicals and brain centers at play.

My advice on finding a long-term parter is to first do a lot of introspection and let go of as much baggage as possible. You want to do this first, because you'll always attract and be attracted to a person that mirrors and/or complements you psychologically... even if this isn't super obvious at first. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people, and unhealthy people are attracted to unhealthy people. So, get as healthy as you can first by doing integrative practices and inner work. Be whole first; then seek a relationship. Also, be sure to let go of any resistance to men as a group. Misandrists and misogynists are desperately attracted to one another, and will unconsciously use each other to prop up their negative views on the opposite gender and to meet their needs to connect with what they've repressed as well. People who tend to talk about "real men" and "real women" stuff, tend to fall into these reductive mindsets about gender. So, take these as red flags. It's a really negative dynamic that you may have noticed between people, and no love or partnership can grown there. 

Also, limiting beliefs and mental baggage will distort and obscure your emotional lens and make you think you want things that you actually don't. This will blunt your intuition and awareness of your emotions. And these two factors are the most important thing in determining how deep your level of attraction is to a man. You won't be getting clear signals as to who will really light your fire... and high heat is necessary in the first months of a relationship because it is a bonding force. WIthout heat and passion, there is no initial fusion which is also called "falling in love." If you never "fall in love" with your partner, due to lack of fusion, then it will be a chore to maintain your relationship and it will be more like a friendship where bland sex and cohabitation is involved. It's similar to chemistry where some chemicals react with one another to form a new chemical and others do not. You want to have the kind of chemistry that reacts, transforms, and bonds. But there is no way to force this. It will only happen with who it happens with. So, it is a passive process. You just have to let the Cupid's Arrow strike you wherever it strikes, and this may happen counterintuitively and unexpectedly.

Another thing to keep in mind is that, at first, you will likely be a lot more emotionally interested in him than he is in you. He will more likely be most interested in sex, at first. And beware that some men have mental blocks and can NEVER get past this point from where they are psychologically. But you don't want a relationship with that type of guy anyway. He has more work to do on himself before he can have a healthy loving relationship.

If we want to talk in terms of chakras, men tend to become attracted at the sacral chakra level first and usually only move that energy to the heart center after spending intimate (sexual and otherwise) time with a woman. Women tend to become attracted to a man at the heart center first, and then the energy moves downward after spending intimate (sexual or otherwise) time with a man. Of course, there are many exceptions to this... but this is a general rule of thumb that I've observed.

But your intuition should lead you to a man who mirrors you, if you're open and receptive to your feelings. You will know it is who you're supposed to be with when you feel intensely positive emotions toward that person that radiate through the entire body from the chest. The more intense the emotions are, the better. There doesn't need to be any conscious decision making in this attraction process. You will feel it before you think it. But don't get trigger happy and mess up the mating dance. You should make him feel like he made the first move and that the whole thing was his idea. It's like dancing. The woman takes the first step (backward) but the man leads. If the woman doesn't take the first step backward first, the man will step on her feet. 

So, put yourself in close proximity to him and be inviting, but be elusive too. Move away from him but subtly invite him toward you. Scarcity makes the heart grown fonder. Let him chase you a bit, and never chase him. Let your sexuality glint through in your words actions but don't lay it on too thick. Save all the really sexy stuff until the moment that the chase is over (usually when you allow him to kiss you for the first time). Then, do whatever feels right after that point. But a longer chase, often makes for more intensity and heat for both partners. It's more conducive to fusion.

Plus, a man will value more what he's spent more time and effort getting, and this will help him invest more in you emotionally to move the attraction past the point of mere sexual attraction. This may sound backward and objectifying, but male sexual impulse tends to be objectifying by design. But it's a reptilian brain thing, so it doesn't adhere to the higher nature of humanity that takes stock in egalitarian values. It's a lower nature thing, and the inner beast wants what it wants. But this is only something to worry about in the first months of a relationship. After that, the higher nature is far more important that the lower nature as the first few months are just a flash in the pan. But the lower nature, is necessary for a strong initial bond. But the deepening of the relationship comes with creating an equal and complementary partnership. So, in the beginning, think polarization, but afterward think deepening and friendship. 

So tldr version: make yourself healthy first and your intuition will lead you to a person who you're supposed to be with. Focus on intensity of emotions in deciding who you're attracted to. Then, put yourself in close proximity to him while not letting on that you like him too much... even if your feelings are intense. Basically, don't mess up the mating dance. 

Edited June 13, 2017 by Emerald

[Guest Annetta]

11 hours ago, Fidelio said:

it would also be helpful for them to see what type of man makes a great husband. Just do it!

I don't ever want to get married.  I'd be too insecure to have to walk down an isle and I also feel that relationships are healthier when people are not forced by some legal obligation to be together forever.  Divorce is expensive and common, so there is a great risk involved.  
Not that if I got married I would expect to get divorced, but if it did happen it would be prolonging a break up that could end peacefully and without financial loss from both sides had I not gotten married in the first place.
I would want my soul mate to be with me because they want to - with the option of freedom if they so choose.


Edit:  Read through the rest of this thread - I have Asperger's, so I'm not good with understanding different social rules and contexts and foot-stepping is going to be guaranteed.  I have only had one relationship thus far (technically two, but my first was long distance, so I don't really count that one) - the best I could do would be to explain my actions.  I would probably mirror a partner significantly in an attempt to understand the dance, the reality is, a relationship with me would include me studying how my partner interacts in different social settings in an attempt to catch up and learn to relate to people properly.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Annetta

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Fidelio said:

I agree with getting yourself to an emotionally good place before looking for a relationship.

I've heard variations on that other stuff before--often in the types of articles written by a woman to help sell women magazines (or to get clicks online). Women who don't know much about men and want a relationship are the types who read this stuff. The problem, if I can be completely honest, is it's (almost) all wrong. It's not only bad advice, it can be potentially harmful advice.

To put it another way: you know how there is a PU community of guys trying ways to "game the system" to help them raid sum panties? You know how some of the techniques leave a bad taste in your mouth? Well much of this can be described as PU for women, and all the potential issues you can think of with PU for guys also apply to this.

Without dissecting things line by line: anything that is disingenuous is flat out wrong. Period. There are NO rules, and every human being, man and woman, is different. If you feel like asking a guy out, do so. If you like a guy, it's okay to show it etc. Anything short of authenticity is playing games, or possibly even crosses the line into manipulation. Relationships based on any type of subterfuge won't last, and they won't be very happy while they last.

The secret is there is no secret. Just be yourself. That's it. When you be yourself you'll be guaranteed that when a guy does like you, he likes you for yourself and not some part you've played.

The other stuff shouldn't be forced though or used to manipulate the man. It shouldn't feel like you're playing a game on him, but moreso playing around with one another as a mutual thing. That's why I said that it's like a dance. It's a form of expression where you both should be participating enthusiastically and know exactly what's going on even if it's never spoken. And it should come pretty naturally, and is very exciting if you enjoy romance and anticipation, as I imagine that most women do. Authenticity is number one. But romance and authenticity are not anti-thetical.

And because you're trying to attract a guy (on the sole basis that you like him as a person and that he's special to you) by learning how not to screw up the mating dance by coming on too strong (it's a common mistake that infatuated women tend to make), it is not really like pick-up artistry which tends to be focused toward getting good with women in general. Pick up only sometimes rubs me the wrong way because it makes the women in the situation inter-changable which can put salt on some old wounds of mine. So, it can give a feeling of manipulation and objectification like my humanity means nothing to men. But I try to keep in mind that the lower nature doesn't care about higher principles like humanity. As I said, the inner beast simply wants what it wants and the conscious mind has no say. And this is true of all people. So, it's not really personal. 

But PUA objectively isn't very much like my advice because it mostly isn't about personal relationship, but about developing a skillset by gaming with many women's sexuality. My advice is specifically geared toward developing a personal relationship with a specific person and has nothing to do with getting good with guys in general. 

Otherwise, pick-up is fine with me. I think it's actually a good idea for men to learn some of it. I'm glad my husband had studied into some of it because he totally nailed the first date. And I was glad to participate in the romance. It's a beautiful dynamic, really. I'm lucky to have experienced it twice in my life. 

But ultimately, this is just how I noticed that it works. Everyone is different and not everyone likes romance. It's my perception that many men don't really understand it that much. And a lot of it's very old fashioned, so it can seem very sexist and heteronormative to some people. Sometimes people like a very straightforward approach with no mating dance. Some people like to just have someone come up to them and say "Hey your cute. I like you." But I find that less interesting as it kills the romance aspect.

So, many men may not enjoy or understand the way that feminine attraction works the way it works because it tends to be exclusionary and intuitively driven. But it is true that it often works that way. That's why it's in those women's magazines in the first place.  But again, that's just the lower nature. It's the inner cavewoman. After the first few months, it's much less important. After that point, the relationship will naturally take on new, deeper, more comfortable, and less intense intonations, and the initial stuff will only be a very exciting memory. But as it's going on... it's an amazing experience.