Hi I Am A Self And I Guess My Fraud Has Been Exposed

[No-Thing]

Hi I am a self and I guess my fraud has been exposed. I nested in this human body for many years pretending to be it. For a long while I've lived this mirage fully but evermore a creeping feeling dawned upon me that something is wrong here, that somehow I am wrong.

That realization sparked a fire in me. "I am a quite motivated self so when there is something wrong with me than I can fix it!", I thought at the time. I was pleasantly surprised to find that many other selfs out there seemed to have had a similar realization. Some of these selfs call themselves experts so I guessed, "well, they must know it." The search began.

At first I thought, "A break-up caused the greatest suffering in my life, let's start there". A couple of years and many experiences later I came to realize, "well, that's not it, the feeling of wrongness is still there". 

My second guess was, "Well if I become the best version of myself and create rich abundance in my life I can finally, finally feel right for once and settle down". I overcame many fears, reprogrammed my thinking and created enough abundance to stop worrying about money, but still there it was, the daunting sensation comfortably nesting in my stomach.

At this time I already read a bunch of spiritual books and incorporated their techniques as part of my "self development". I never really bought into it fully because so many voices around me described it as "woo woo". "I am an atheistic, scientific, down to earth self I don't need no woo woo", is what I played at the time out of fear of rejection but I was so frustrated with it all and saw no other option so I was finally willing to give it a serious shot. 

"Okey so let's the meditation thing on a daily basis. They tell me to shut up, so I shut up. But what about the laundry? Am I doing this right? This is nonsense! But it kinda feels good". "Okey so now let's try the contemplation thing. I am not a self? What do they mean by that? What? I have to ask me a question and then not give an answer? That makes no sense." "Okey so now they tell me to embrace not knowing and be in the now. Well, let's try. Wait a minute! I kinda get the feeling that all this is making me obsolete. Thinking is superior! No no no, that can't be it! I probably haven't tried this self development thing hard enough!" Rinse and repeat. I started to feel a little lighter at times and the feeling of wrongness showed up less and less but I still couldn't figure out what they were talking about.

Then this psychedelic thing started showing up in my life. I was a little scared at first but also really curious. I tried it once, "Wow this feels nice. I kinda feel like I remembered something from my past and it makes me laugh hysterically". I tried it a second time, "What everything is just a perspective and everybody just chooses their perspective and there is no difference between how I see the world now and my normal experience. The trip is life and life is the trip?" I tried it a third time, "I kinda feel like I am dying. WOAAHH. What is that? That can't be it. That is not what I expected. Is this real? Was my life just a dream? Who am I? I am all?". The next day, "Okey maybe this whole psychedelic thing is a little twisted. How can I know if that was real or just my imagination?". My life went back to normal but this creeping realization left a mark. 

A couple of weeks later things started changing. The pressure behind the forehead this human body started to grow and spread out. Not unpleasant but a little odd. Emotional baggage I carried around for years started dropping away. Then in a lucid dream a voice said, "We need to find him" and there it was again! This realization. It's all me, but why then am I so scared to fully look into it? Well if it happens in a dream, it can't be the drugs so it must be real. Oh fuck, what does that mean to me?

Then it slowly dawned upon me. The thing I have been avoiding to look at for my whole life. I am not real. There is no substance to me. That can't be real. That means I have to go? Am I really a fraud?

The human body (at least I call it that) I am living in feels better and better. It has more energy and things in life are flowing nicely but I am feeling weaker and weaker. There is less and less to talk about. I thought I could figure it all out and make it work, you know? But I feel anything I try to do just causes this system harm.

Maybe I am the problem. Maybe everything works fine just on it's own. Maybe I just need to rest and let things be as they are. 

And then I can live in harmony with this body and reality and every once in a while I come to life and say, "Here I am, look at me. I am the great self!"

That would be nice. That would be nice.

 

 

 

 

[No-Thing]

Guys, I think I am hitting the dark night of the soul. I have a couple more weeks to work and then a vipassana retreat is coming up. I am happy for that but do you guys have some suggestions on how to keep together for this time? Do you have general tips on how to deal with the DNOTS?

[Martin123]

@No-Thing love could be your best guide throughout DN. Check out Matt Kahn he is an excellent guide for such times. He was for me anyway.

[No-Thing]

@Martin123 He naturally appeared on my radar yesterday. Thank you I love you.

But I also don't want to avoid the darkness. I am ready to face everything.

[cetus]

15 minutes ago, No-Thing said:

Guys, I think I am hitting the dark night of the soul. I have a couple more weeks to work and then a vipassana retreat is coming up. I am happy for that but do you guys have some suggestions on how to keep together for this time? Do you have general tips on how to deal with the DNOTS?

@No-ThingSurrender to the fact that the universe knows exactly what it is doing. Everything is exactly where it should be in this moment.

 

[Martin123]

@No-Thing You cant avoid it so no need to worry about that. Love is not the opposite of darkness love embraces darkness and transforms it into the actualized Divine it has always been. 

Good luck and much love on the way. And congratulations to your graduation

[SOUL]

[Natasha]

@No-Thing This helped me when I was going through my DNOTS