(desperately) Looking For Advice On How To Reject Someone

[Mondsee]

Every time in my life that someone I don't like has shown interest in me, I've had a really bad time figuring out how I'm going to let them know I don't like them.

Sometimes I've struggled so much, that I didn't say anything and I let things get to a level that I didn't want to... really not cool.

Now on Friday I went to a party, met a bunch of new people, didn't spend the night with anyone in particular, and yet, the guy I was hanging out with before I left asked me for my number. I gave it to him (because I don't know how to reject people), and today he texted me.

He is a really nice guy, but I know I'm not attracted to him at all, and that is not the case for him, so before this grows bigger, I'd like to kill it. How am I supposed to do that?!?!

Not answering would be rather coward and lame, imo... but if I start a conversation, I'm opening a door... and if I just say "hey, I'm not interested in you", that'd be super weird!!

What do I do now? Now that I think about it, this has really been an issue for me for my entire life. Some good strategies would help me a lot!

[SLICKHAWK]

Truth, Honesty is the only way. Its respectful way about saying im just not interested. 

Not saying anything leads them on in the unknown and persistent.

Let go.

[Mondsee]

@SLICKHAWK yes, ok... but how?? In very practical terms, how do I do it? I mean, to tell him, I'd need to start a conversation with him, and if I do, how long should I wait to let him know? Because I suppose if I just start chatting with him, he'll automatically assume I'm into him too, and how am I supposed to bring up that I'm not?

[SLICKHAWK]

This is my journey alone. My path whatever story you wish to post. At this point i have no interest in getting to know you sincerely.

I openly made this mistake now this is my undoing of.

Remind themyou are only one in a million searching for that which you connect with this connection does not apply to me at this present time. 

I hope you understand i never had intentions to lead you on or hurt you however i am on this journey of finding myself to be my greatest version.

Can you respect my choice/decision to move foward with no strings attatched. 

We must part ways for your path is greater than this and you will always have that which you have when you need it.

Many ways of breaking this barrier without engaging or multiple conversation/texts. Just be yourself with how you are.

[Mondsee]

@SLICKHAWK OMG I can find so many reasons not to say any of that! I'm so bad at this... But thank you anyways!!

Edited June 12, 2017 by Mondsee

[SLICKHAWK]

It is only my way of words yours to choose can only yours to follow. Believe in yourself first the rest is much easier.

Sorry if this is difficult.

[Spiral]

If someone asks you for your number, just tell them that you have a boyfriend (even if you don't) . I usually tell people I have girlfriend, works like charm

[dude]

I would just be straight to the point, saves both our asses time.

Just 5 minutes in the conversation I would say this.

"I know where this is headed, and honestly to save us both some time and effort. I'm really not looking for anything right now. I'm sorry. I'm sure you will find someone else. "

[SFRL]

@Mondsee you throw your drink in his face, slap him, and look him straight in the face and say....peasant!..... Then you walk away. 

[Mondsee]

@spiral yeah, too late

@dude the problem is that it was a party to meet new people from the university, and we were all chatting and we were all dancing, and we were also all exchanging numbers because, you know... you're knowing people, it wasn't like we were flirting for hours or as if he came with that intention from the beginning

@SFRL haha it sure works!

[Shin]

Just say no when they ask for your number.
Simple and clean hint that you don't like them.

If you think you can't, then just force yourself to do it
It will be extremely hard and akward at first, but it will get easier and easier.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Shin

[Toby]

Don't answer if you don't want to meet him. Answer if you want to meet him. Pretty simple or not?

[Fushigi]

If it is too hard to openly say those words,

you can always tell you're busy and repeat it until they understand your point. And not starting conversations would be fare, they wouldn't get any expectations and wouldn't get hurt later.

[Lynnel]

On 12/06/2017 at 2:20 AM, Mondsee said:

 I left asked me for my number. I gave it to him (because I don't know how to reject people).

Basically being unable to reject someone is pure egoism - you don't wanna look or feel bad , feel the aftereffects of hurting someone else's feelings ( you do not care about his feelings ofc because if you did you wouldn't give any false hope ).

 

[barry]

@Mondsee You are a woman, so is pretty common to you to get asked for your number, if it happens to you many times it might even be because you are very hot and sexy... But I can relate to your behaviour and I understand it, because I did what you do as a guy in the past with girls, and I have many female friends (and ex gf) that did and still do the same thing that you do. And the common aspect that all these people had (me included) was a low self-esteem issue. You give your number even to people you don't like because you seek for approval, consciously or unconsciously, you are insecure about your looks and your body. The fact that "you don't know how to reject" tells us pretty clearly how you are addicted to manipulation to get approval from others. Because if you were actually self confident, you would not have any regret about rejecting or flaking guys, guys are used to be rejected and flaked indeed.

1st thing you have to do is work on your self image, go to a therapist if you need to, even if it might be expansive

2nd thing you have to do is work on your awareness about manipulation and low self esteem. Notice the fact that you love when people tell you that you are sexy and good looking, and notice how you are looking for anything else than compliments, attention from people and most of all approval

3rd thing you have to do is try to overcome other addictions, even though it might sound not relevant, is actually very relevant, if you drink, if you smoke, if you are addicted to parties, movies and most of all TV Series (this can be huge, especially in LSE girls), or any other thing that provides you with drama and love stories and all that stuff. Cut those things out! overcoming those addiction will make you feel more aware, you will begin to clean up your life more and more, and finally overcome any kind of addictive behaviour you have, that causes you suffering.

There are many other things you will have to do to fix this, but start from there. And I can relate because I struggled with that issue a lot too, and just in the last 6 or 7 months of my life I feel like I am moving on from that place. When you free yourself from any of your needs, needs from approval and safety and sex and companionship, you will feel grounded, you will feel like you don't need anything else than YOU in your life, because you can get joy and satisfaction just from growth and you don't need any kind of stimulation or external condition to make you feel good

And finally you will not give to anymore your number to people you don't like

[Markus]

The longer you wait with telling him the truth, the more it's going to hurt him. So text him:

"I have to confess to something. I have no romantic or sexual interest in you what so ever. I only gave you my number because I am afraid of rejecting people. Sorry for leading you on."

Is he going to like this? Hell no. It's better than any alternative.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Markus

[Emerald]

On 6/11/2017 at 8:20 PM, Mondsee said:

Every time in my life that someone I don't like has shown interest in me, I've had a really bad time figuring out how I'm going to let them know I don't like them.

Sometimes I've struggled so much, that I didn't say anything and I let things get to a level that I didn't want to... really not cool.

Now on Friday I went to a party, met a bunch of new people, didn't spend the night with anyone in particular, and yet, the guy I was hanging out with before I left asked me for my number. I gave it to him (because I don't know how to reject people), and today he texted me.

He is a really nice guy, but I know I'm not attracted to him at all, and that is not the case for him, so before this grows bigger, I'd like to kill it. How am I supposed to do that?!?!

Not answering would be rather coward and lame, imo... but if I start a conversation, I'm opening a door... and if I just say "hey, I'm not interested in you", that'd be super weird!!

What do I do now? Now that I think about it, this has really been an issue for me for my entire life. Some good strategies would help me a lot!

You just have to be honest. So, you have to exercise your "no" muscles. There is no way to function in the world without using them. You will have to say 'no' ten times more than you'll ever say 'yes.' So, it's an important skill to have.

But I always had a hard time with telling people 'no' when I was younger because I didn't want to cause anyone to feel even the slightest negative emotion and risk looking like a bitch. Someone could go out of their way to make me uncomfortable, and I would just try to humor them to make them feel comfortable. 

A lot of this had to do with the fact that I felt like I wasn't allowed to set my own boundaries and still be considered a nice person, which was really important to my identity. I think many women who want to be the "laid back one" who's "not like the other girls" tend to develop this issue. So, if this sounds like you, then you really have to become okay with setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries with a calm, respectful, and assertive manner. Don't be afraid to be seen as a bitch. 

Also, if you're afraid of being seen as a bitch. Then, you have to also search around and face your own judgments of other women who are bitchy and try to integrate the parts of yourself that you repressed when you made the decision that "bitchy women are bad, and I'm not like that." Find what you have in common. There are also a lot of sexist social conditionings that discourage female assertiveness that you'll have to become aware of and mentally give the middle finger to. 

This is my take on the situation based on my experiences, but there could be other motivations. Does this sound like the thought processes that you've been involved in?

[phoenix666]

18 minutes ago, Emerald said:

You just have to be honest. So, you have to exercise your "no" muscles. There is no way to function in the world without using them. You will have to say 'no' ten times more than you'll ever say 'yes.' So, it's an important skill to have.

But I always had a hard time with telling people 'no' when I was younger because I didn't want to cause anyone to feel even the slightest negative emotion and risk looking like a bitch. Someone could go out of their way to make me uncomfortable, and I would just try to humor them to make them feel comfortable. 

A lot of this had to do with the fact that I felt like I wasn't allowed to set my own boundaries and still be considered a nice person, which was really important to my identity. I think many women who want to be the "laid back one" who's "not like the other girls" tend to develop this issue. So, if this sounds like you, then you really have to become okay with setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries with a calm, respectful, and assertive manner. Don't be afraid to be seen as a bitch. 

Also, if you're afraid of being seen as a bitch. Then, you have to also search around and face your own judgments of other women who are bitchy and try to integrate the parts of yourself that you repressed when you made the decision that "bitchy women are bad, and I'm not like that." Find what you have in common. There are also a lot of sexist social conditionings that discourage female assertiveness that you'll have to become aware of and mentally give the middle finger to. 

This is my take on the situation based on my experiences, but there could be other motivations. Does this sound like the thought processes that you've been involved in?

this definitely rings a bell. this is because, deep down, we still care so much what other people might think about us, isn't it?

[electroBeam]

Be ok with being an asshole.

Read "the art of war" surprisingly appropriate for the issue you'really going through.

[Mondsee]

To those who gave me suggestions, here are my thoughts:

To those who are curious, find the update on what I did below.

@Shin It just seems very weird to me that if I've spent the night with new people chatting and so, and you exchange numbers just to make some friends, I will deny my number to one guy just because I feel he was hitting on me. It's like to everyone I'm saying "yeah, sure, here have my number" and when it comes to that one guy "... oh, I'm sorry, but not for you"... that's so weird. Also, this time it was too late anyways because he already has my number.

@Toby Yeah, actually what I have done in some cases. It works but it has also felt weird and kind of coward to me. Also, when I do that I hope I'll never meet them again because if I do, they'll ask why I disappeared. In this case for example, his best friend takes several classes together with me, and it is likely that we'll meet again.

@Fushigi At this point I feel like I'm only finding excuses (probably because it is exactly what I'm doing), but I did that once. The guy never got the point, and always asked if I was finally going to have time for him. When he got tired of that, he made sure to work together with me on a project. At some point I felt really guilty for being lying about my busy schedule to him, so I finally accepted one of his invitations, he got really excited, and long story short, I did have to end up telling him "hey, I'm just not into you" and he got devastated and I felt guilty for breaking his heart. So it may work, but sometimes they don't get the point, or at least they don't want to get it.

@Lynnel Yeah, maybe it's egoism... maybe. What I feel tough is that I often like the people that I meet, I don't want to date them, but I genuinely like them, and can imagine a friendship with them, so I can't behave cold to them or reject them as easily, because I don't dislike them.

@barry It doesn't seem difficult for me to reject people I don't like at all, but when I like them, not in a romantic falling-in-love sense, but just liking them as persons, it gets much harder. Also, for the record, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use Facebook, this year I have gone to the cinema once (last week), I don't watch series, I usually don't eat junk food... so I think I have the addictions rather handled in my life.

@Markus

On 13/6/2017 at 5:49 AM, Markus said:

The longer you wait with telling him the truth, the more it's going to hurt him.

Yeah, you're right, the longer you wait, the worst it gets. I just felt unnecessary telling him the "I don't know how to reject people" part... why would he care?

@Emerald

On 13/6/2017 at 6:06 AM, Emerald said:

You just have to be honest. So, you have to exercise your "no" muscles. There is no way to function in the world without using them. You will have to say 'no' ten times more than you'll ever say 'yes.' So, it's an important skill to have.

But I always had a hard time with telling people 'no' when I was younger because I didn't want to cause anyone to feel even the slightest negative emotion and risk looking like a bitch. Someone could go out of their way to make me uncomfortable, and I would just try to humor them to make them feel comfortable. 

A lot of this had to do with the fact that I felt like I wasn't allowed to set my own boundaries and still be considered a nice person, which was really important to my identity. I think many women who want to be the "laid back one" who's "not like the other girls" tend to develop this issue. So, if this sounds like you, then you really have to become okay with setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries with a calm, respectful, and assertive manner. Don't be afraid to be seen as a bitch. 

Also, if you're afraid of being seen as a bitch. Then, you have to also search around and face your own judgments of other women who are bitchy and try to integrate the parts of yourself that you repressed when you made the decision that "bitchy women are bad, and I'm not like that." Find what you have in common. There are also a lot of sexist social conditionings that discourage female assertiveness that you'll have to become aware of and mentally give the middle finger to. 

This is my take on the situation based on my experiences, but there could be other motivations. Does this sound like the thought processes that you've been involved in?

Definitely food for thought, thank you!

@electroBeam haha The Art Of War? By Sun Tzu? how funny! I just got it as a present last month, I'll read it until this lens.

 

Soooooooo here's what I did:

He asked me when I had time to go for a coffee with him, I answered on Friday I had time, but that I didn't actually have in mind dating him, so if it was an invitation to do something together with friends (we do have common friends), I would be happy to go, but if not, not really.

He laughed, and said he was "of course" thinking about doing something with friends.

I said then we could plan something, and then he never answered again.

I did feel bad, mostly because he first said like "nooo how crazy of you thinking that I wanted to date you" but then he never texted me back... I found out what I really don't like is putting other people under a situation they can feel embarrassed, maybe because I hated feeling that way as a kid. For sure a valuable piece of information to know about myself.

 

Thank you for your support!