My Dark Path

[jsh32298]

Here is my story:

(all names will be disclosed with a capital letter)

I grew up in a family that always struggled financially. My mom is a refugee from Laos and my father is a hard working construction worker from California, and I am an only child that is half Laos and half Caucasian. My parents loved me and did the best they could, but we were still a very dysfunctional family. It seemed like every day and night my parents would argue about finances, job security, and how they didn’t believe we would make it, that we might end up homeless. My father is an alcoholic and would get drunk and break items around the house and there were even times where my mother would leave the house or call the cops. When I was with just one parent, my father would get drunk and complain about my mother to me and my mother would get stressed and complain about my father to me. To make it worse my father’s family is all deceased and my mother’s family was the only aunts and uncles I had. My mother’s family was constantly complaining about my father to me. So, growing up I always had negative depictions of my parents, and it just seemed impossible to believe that these two really loved each other. They always told me all their problems, my dad was lonely and my mom was very independent. With all these problems, I was constantly wearing clothes from goodwill, getting hand me downs from my mom’s family, and never really having anything new (except for the star wars action figures my dad would get me here and there). We never went on vacation, we never sat down as a family and had meals after long work or school days, we never went out together to restaurants or to the grocery store. We just all felt so disconnected. It was because of all this that I sheltered myself in my room, I saved up for an Xbox, found friends at school that played video games and for most of my middle school and early high school years I used my Xbox to socialize and have friends. My parents really forced education on me because both of them did not want me to be in the situation they were currently in and as long as I got get grades, I was mostly neglected. Xbox and grades was all my childhood really consisted of. I never had self confidence, I had never had great self esteem, I never had girls attracted to me, except the ones that really weren’t attractive at the time. I never felt like I fit in everywhere and I always felt like everybody around me had a better life than I did. It just felt like each of my friends just had so much love in their families and I didn’t in mine. My family was just so negative and depressing. I always told myself when I get in a relationship it would not be like this and there is no way my family would be like this.

Everything changed when I decided to transfer high schools. Sophomore year of high school I still had the same friends I had back in middle school. I was always so scared of losing my friends because I was a very lonely child, so I stayed in a tight circle of friends for about 5 years without really going outside of that social group. But I started to feel disconnected from my social group as we got older. They lived in better neighborhoods, were better off financially, and met more girls that became apart of our social group. I was just that follower, the poor kid, and never had anything nice to really attract girls. Being in these poorer areas wasn’t fun. Mostly all the other kids were Black or Hispanic. I was always the only Asian kid, people always forgot I was White and because I had such a negative image of my father growing up, I always told myself I wasn’t White, that I was just Asian. I got picked on a good amount of times by older black kids that were taller and stronger than me. It was because of my looks that I decided to just fit in with the Hispanics and pretend to be Spanish, everybody assumed I was Hispanic anyway and I was to afraid to reject them because I was scared I would be an outcast or picked on too much. At my first high school I stayed around all the poorer kids and felt like I always being looked down upon by everybody including my friend group from middle school. I got picked on by preppy white kids and by ghetto black kids.

One day one of my closer friends, T, received a letter in the mail saying that he had been automatically transferred to a new high school that had just opened up on the outskirts of town. Out of the negative motivation and the disconnection I felt at my current high school, I decided to follow. It was here I felt I began to fit in. Like i said earlier, i grew up in poorer areas. I naturally had more black friends and Hispanic friends there but they weren’t bully’s or negative people. In a way we all struggled throughout life in our families and became friends because of that. They’re was one guy in my group that I had actually became close friends with, his name was M. M changed my life forever.

Things were going great for me at my new high school, I made more friends, I got my first girlfriend (who was actually a preppy girl that went to a preppy school) and I felt like things were just right. One day, I was hanging out with my girlfriend and M decided to give me a call. He asked me if I could do him a favor. The favor was that I drive him to his step-dads apartment so he could get some money from him (I was the only guy in my friend group with a car, it was a hand me down from my uncle, a 1992 acura legend). At first I told him no I can’t drive you I’m with my girlfriend. Then he offered me $100 to drive him. I asked where am I taking you for that much money and he said to his step-dads apartment, at the point even my girlfriend said go drive him. So I picked him up and I took him to his step-dads apartment with no questions. We got there and he had me wait in the parking lot. I saw him go into the complex and I patiently waited for his return. He came out fairly quick and got back in my car, he had $800 dollars in hand. He handed me $100 and out of curiosity I questioned him and asked how he received so much money. He said that he wasn’t going to lie to me and told me that his step-dad recently cheated on his mom, they had been together since he was 3. He also found out that his step-dad had been hiding all this money from his family and not paying child support. Therefore, he found all his step-dad’s hidden money in the apartment and was taking it. This is where everything really changed.

After I found this out I was excited, here I was, a poor kid that never knew a $100 bill was real and I was just handed one. Me and M were constantly going back to that apartment while his step-dad was at work taking $1000, $2000, and more and more. His step-dad was a aerospace engineer so all this money we were taking was chump change to him. We started having the time of our lives, for once I was buying new clothes from the mall, getting decent hair cuts, buying things I never had before. Me being so neglected at home made it easy to hide all these things from my parents. M’s mom was constantly leaving the apartment they had lived in to go on trips, so we also had a free apartment to ourselves all the time. M was 18 and I was 16, he became an older brother to me, he showed me all these riches and fortunes that I had never seen before.

Well after all this fun, we decided one day to just take the rest of the money and never come back. Something in my head told me to also get T involved as he was the one that ultimately told me to transfer to my new high school and I wouldn’t be in this situation if he wasn’t my close friend. So me, T, and M all went and took a total of $16,000. We split it up , I received 5 grand, T received 3 and M received 8. We were living life.

We opened up a student news program at our school since it was a new high school, we were able to afford all the camera equipment, news equipment, props, etc etc. M was also heavily into rap music so he was able to build a better studio in his room, T was able to fit in more because he was poor like me. We all started filming short films and recruiting more friends to it. We felt we were doing so much good for our school. T’s birthday was coming up and we decided to throw a huge pool party in his neighborhood. We quickly created professional looking advertisements, M was advertising new songs, T was advertising his birthday, and I took care of advertising all the **** we were going to have. We had a bar set up, one my friends V from my older high school was the DJ, we had bought basketball hoops for the pool and for outside, a volleyball set, a whole bunch of food and drinks. In total we spent about $1000 dollars on this pool party all together.

The party was great, I felt better than I ever did in my life before. I had friends around me, old and new, my girlfriend was even bar-tending and I felt popular for once, I felt on top. It was at this party where I would meet the only girl I’ve ever fallen for. She was beautiful, her name was Ml, she was short, tan skin, exotic from Uruguay, and had a body of an angel. She was my dream girl. She parked in front of me at school but I never payed attention to her the way I did that day. She was constantly catching my eye and I was catching hers at the party. I was going to pick up food for the party and I asked if anybody wanted to come, she immediately said she wanted to go (my current girlfriend was not too happy). I didn’t object, I also brought my friend S along that way my girlfriend wouldn’t be too concerned. It was here that I got the first hint from Ml that she liked me. She told me when we were getting food that M told her to stay away from me because I have a girlfriend and I asked her why would he say that. She responded i don’t know and we went about our business. We quickly came back to the party and continued to have a good time.

Night time was soon approaching and we had a bunch of glow sticks, alcohol, and a hookah statue. We were going to make night time the real party. As we were unpacking the alcohol and hookah statue, someone yelled out, COPS! and 4 cop cars pulled in. People began to panic, people were jumping fences, running away, quickly hiding any alcohol. The cops began to talk to T since he lived in that neighborhood, and were nice enough to tell us just to clean up. So we cleaned up and the party ended, but M’s mom was gone as usual and he had his apartment all to himself. M decided that we could go back to his apartment and have an after party. At this time my girlfriend informed me she had to go home, so i told her i will drop you off and then I was headed to M’s after party.

When I arrived at M’s apartment their was not a lot of people. The only guys there were M, one of my close childhood friends A, and maybe 2-3 other guys i did not know. But, there were about 6-7 girls and one of them was ML. So here I was at this party, ML was making mixed drinks with the alcohol we hid earlier and she kept feeding them to me. ML kept drinking them herself. We were having a blast, we laughed, we got to know each other, we kept making drinks, I felt like I just met a best friend. Later that night people started to leave and I began to get sick. I puked my guts out and became extremely drunk, after puking I was belligerent, yelling, screaming, i couldn’t shut up. So M dragged me to his moms room and threw me on the bed. As I was laying there, ML decided to come and she was still in her bikini. I was so attracted to her that I grabbed and began make out (it was bad, I was drunk and I had just puked). I was telling her how hot I thought she was, and she eventually calmed me down and left. I passed out and when I awoke I found her and M laying on the couch. I was upset, but more upset at myself because I still had a girlfriend at the time. Both M and ML informed that did not do anything and even later M told me he was mad because she was about to do something but stopped, got a glass of water, and then just fell asleep.

After this night I decided to brush it all off and just relax. But over a course of two weeks the guilt built up in me that I had a crush on ML and from what had happened the night of the party, so I broke up with my girlfriend. It was rough but I was over it fairly quick, M was still around, all my friends were still here, and we still had money. But, this time around ML began to be invited to hang out with us a lot more. She was the girl of the group, we had her chill with us all the time. I never really talked to her because I felt bad, but over time we became great friends. Well one night M decided to have her over at his apartment, I was there and so was my friend T. We still had some alcohol and decided to drink some more. Except this time I decided not to get as drunk. But ML decided to get more than she did at the after party, this time she was all over me. At one point I told her I would take her to bed and when she laid down she asked if I would stay with her, I said Ok. When we laid down I began to hold her and cuddle. She began to reach her hand in my pants and start playing around with me. At this point M and T came into the room and decided to hang out with us too. It was awkward as M decided to lay on one side of the bed while me and ML were laying on the other side of the bed. ML decided she was going to keep playing with me and even whispered in my ear I want to ****. But it felt wrong at time so I got up and got a glass of water from the kitchen. She followed me, wondering where I was going. I told her I just needed a glass of water. This is when M came out and said we could go into another room and just sleep there. So I took ML and we went into another bedroom, but i informed her I was not going to have sex with her while she was this intoxicated. So I held her all night and we fell asleep together. When we woke up she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said Thank you so much for not taking advantage of me.

Over a course of two weeks we began to fall more and more for each other, I actually really liked this girl. When our group hung out we were next to each other all the time. About two weeks passed and I decided I was ready to ask her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. I was so happy, I had never been happier before in my life. Things were going great, the first time we had sex was the best experience I ever had, she taught me how to kiss passionately, we were constantly holding hands, cuddling, and nothing could separate us, we considered ourselves two peas in a pod. Sadly, this made my friend M jealous, very jealous. About two weeks into me and ML’s relationship, M got really drunk and texted ML. He was flirting with her, informing her that he would be better than me, that I better be making sure shes happy or he’ll make her happy. ML just ignored it and forgot about it, but then she decided to tell me. At first ML didn’t want to tell me because she knew I viewed M like a brother. But when I found out everything changed. Like I said I have low self confidence and esteem, always did, I even had a fear of black people because as a kid they always seemed like the cool ones and always picked on me and M was black. So therefore I felt really threatened. I felt like I couldn’t trust him and that it was very possible for him to steal ML away from me. So I cut him off, someone that I felt was a brother. I also made ML cut him off, and before you knew it the whole group started to fall off.

We were going into our senior year, some of the guys of the group were still friends with me and ML was my girlfriend. I was excited, I joined the football team, I had close friends, and to make it better I had one of the most beautiful girls in the whole school by my side. Nothing would ruin it right? Wrong.

A couple months into our relationship, ML informed me she was talking to her ex. Before me they had been together for 4 years and were on and off for 2 years. She tried to date other guys during that time but it didn’t work, until i came along. I was apparently the one that really broke that horrible chain she was in. Again, I felt threatened, I became jealous, scared, concerned, and I felt I was going to lose this beautiful girl. So more negativity built up inside of me, I broke up with her. After 1 or 2 days i decided i didn’t want to leave her and we came back together. I told her that if I ever see her texting her ex again, ill have to leave again. About 2 months past until the cycle repeated, it was around thanksgiving time. This time it was bad, I felt even worse I felt horrible, I cried and asked her why she was doing this to me. We were separated for 2 weeks and it felt awful. Eventually we decided to come back together. This time it was fine, we went to the beach, we shared Christmas, I spoiled her on Christmas. Her birthday was coming up and she was turning 18. I discovered around the time of her birthday in February that she talked to her ex again and I finally had enough. More negativity and worry built up inside of me, I became more angry, more depressed, more worried. So i cut it off, this time around she pleaded and begged me not to go and i said no I cant do it anymore. This is when everything took a wrong turn for me personally.

I had turned 18 myself a month later, I saw her at school and would be mad every time I saw her. She was always surrounded by friends and guys, I felt like I had only 2-3 friends. I sacrificed all my relationships with anyone so I could be with her and now she was gone. So out of anger and worthless I felt, I decided I needed to show her that I was better than her or any guy she could meet. I began to dress more thuggish, I was sagging, still having $300 Jordan shoes, got earrings, a tattoo, and even got myself a new car (Acura integra that i thought was sooooo cool at the time). I was doing everything I could to look “Cool” or what I had always thought was cool. I decided I was not going to be the nice guy anymore and actually become the bully, become the bullies that haunted me from my childhood and i did. I got more involved with drugs, I skipped all of my last month of high school, and i only showed up on the day of finals. I was always good with grades so I ended up getting A’s on the two finals I had.

It was at this time in my life where i remembered everything, football ended so I was no longer as fit, the money i received from M was gone along with someone I viewed as a brother, and the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life ML was gone too. I told myself that money made me have all those fun experiences so money is what I’m focusing on now. Immediately after high school I focused completely on money, I became greedy. I found a job that paid $10 an hour and I was working 40 hours a week right out of high school. I felt on top again making 800-900 every two weeks at the age of $18. I felt like I did when I was 16 when I had just received that money from M.

About a month after high school ended me and ML decided to reconnect. We both missed each other a lot because we had fallen for each other. She began to tell me stories and I began to get jealous. I was working a lot and it seemed like she was enjoying life, going to parties, the clubs, she was telling me about the older guys and girls she began to hang out with, so i became super jealous and extremely threatened that soon she would find a replacement for me, a better more successful, attractive, and fit guy. I decided I need to start having experiences and even better ones than her, I wanted to top her. Again, because my self confidence and esteem was low, I felt like she shouldn’t be better than me, I felt weak.

So I started hanging out with more people at work, especially black people because I dressed and talked like I was black, they were all older than me by a lot but they liked that I was the new kid on the block. It felt good because I was hanging out with the group of people I always viewed as cool and popular. It was because of this that I was able to get more involved with drinking, drug use, and parties. I was constantly getting drunk, popping pills, smoking weed, going to spots that were getting even more ghetto. Getting into clubs under 21 because my older friends would pay for me, I was having sex with different girls across the city. I felt like I was living life again.

Me and ML still saw each other again here and there for a while but when we did see each other it was mostly for sex. I used her as the girl that i could go back to when I was bored or when I actually wanted to be soft and not pretending to be hard like I was. The girl I could still cuddle with and watch movies with. She missed me a lot too. But the damage was already done and we keep spiraling downwards. She began not to trust me, I would lie to her telling her I wasn’t doing anything with any girls. I would try to hide my lies by accusing her of doing stuff with other guys since she was always at parties and ****. She also got involved with drugs, drinking, and smoking. I eventually felt bad and actually stopped talking to all the girls and I began to focus on her again. I made some mistakes earlier with her family and apologized for it, she began to see me after her classes cause I worked at night and things weren’t too bad. But it was.

We were both just two people that couldn’t let go of each other but kept spiraling downwards in our own ways. We both started to look unhealthy, our looks changed completely. She was attending community college and I was accepted into a University but not until the spring semester. So she was constantly stressed and worried that she couldn’t be successful in college and I didn’t really pay any attention to it. I was cocky and felt that college will be easy when it comes for me in the spring. At that time I was just working and delivering pizzas at night because I didn’t want to work in an office anymore (I was still making the same amount of money in tips). I was still focused on the money. She had new friends she seemed to actually look happier, but then this created more negativity in me. I felt pathetic around her, I was just a pizza guy and she was a girl in college, having experiences. Every time she told me a story it made me feel worse about myself like I was a nobody, all my experiences didn’t seem as wonderful as hers. Mine were like smoking and getting drunk and watching the game while hers was going to the beach with her girls or going to some guys house party out in the country. I was still worried, still scared that she was going to do something behind my back, so I kept spiraling down myself. She would always tell me how this guy smoked her up, or her about her drug dealers house, or how funny this guy was, and I’m sure she told me stories about girls too but each guy story sounded amplified in my head. So I continued to try and top all the guys she talked about, again I wanted to show her I was “better” than all them. We didn’t do much anymore either, we honestly just laid in bed a lot and watched movies and when I was horny and she was we had sex. Most of the time since I didn’t have a life and stopped talking to all the other girls in my life I forced sex on her a lot.

This is where things got really bad. Spring semester of college was coming up and I was about to move cities. I was constantly telling her i don’t know about our future because I was going to college, when in all honestly I was scared to invest so much into her, i did not trust her at all. The last conversation we had before I went to college was horrible, I was drunk and I texted her asking her if me, her, and her best friend could have a *****, she was furious and after that she didn’t text me again. I quickly said **** it as in 3 days I was moving to another city. That day came and things only got worse.

Here I was 18, I had my own apartment, I was still involved with drugs a lot, still had the street mindset, and I just had a no **** given attitude. I didn’t really research the college before I got there because I applied for any college just to be accepted because I didn’t want to look bad in front of ML and I also felt I was too good for the community college that ML was attending. I also didn’t want to see her again because I knew it would make me mad like in high school and I didn’t want to deal with it. I also thought finally, now all those experiences ML was having I can begin to have myself and it’ll show her.

So instead of focusing on class, I focused on being the cool kid, quickly I began to socialize, selling drugs helped people know me because they wanted their drugs, I met other people who were selling drugs and I felt like I was cool, hard, better than other people. I felt like I was the ****. I had just received a refund check of $6000 and i blew it on drugs, parties, clothes, just more and more materialistic goods. I got into some trouble down in that city, I received a drinking ticket which should of been a dui because I passed out off pills and alcohol in my car with it running. That night I actually called ML and I was so drunk and just mumbling on the phone at 2-3 in the morning. She told me that she didn’t have time for this and hung up. I was quite surprise as this is the first time she did something like that, I also felt horrible because I was about to go to jail and she didn’t care.

I continued my bad ways. Cutting even more classes because the school was really preppy and I hated preps too growing up. I began to take more drugs than actually sell, there was a lot of occurrences where I didn’t remember the night before or I felt like I was going to die. It all had happened so quick that out of no where I remembered ML’s birthday was coming up. I was at my friends apartment, he was having a little party and there was a lot of alcohol and weed. I drank a little bit and I decided to give ML a call. Except this time she didn’t pick up, it was a guy. I asked who he was and he said this is her boyfriend, I told him i just wanted to tell ML happy birthday and he told me that I was ruining her birthday by calling her. I yelled and said well you shouldn’t have picked up the **** phone then and i hung up.

Things continued to get even worse for me. I had so much negativity, I felt so horrible and mad that I began to consume drugs every day. Losing track of time, losing track of my health, losing my mind. I lost 20 pounds, I was eating once or twice a day, I didn’t have a job, I viewed the world evil, I felt like people were judging me because the way I looked. I was employed by one place but I ended up quitting in two days because I was so angry and frustrated.

After a while I just stayed in my apartment, I never went out. I didn’t want to go out cause if I went out I was going to my friend’s apartments which all they did was drugs. I didn’t want to do anymore drugs. I began to question all my motivations, who I am, what was I doing with my life because I had all this negative motivation from ML. Each thing I did after high school ended was because I wanted to be ML, I didn’t want to lose her. The funny thing is what I was trying to prevent the whole time actually became true. My greatest fear became true, she had found someone else. I sat in my apartment for 2 months with nothing but darkness, cigarettes and Netflix. My close childhood friends would come visit me here and there but it wasn’t the same, I wasn’t as happy. I looked horrible.

I decided I was going to move back in with my parents. So here I am today, sitting in my room writing this blog. I think about ML everyday. After a lot of realization I realized she wasn’t doing everything to me, I was doing it to myself. I brought her down with me, she saw the man she fell for turn into something so dark and she followed for as long as she could. I became angry like my father, jealous, depressed, just negative and she loved me enough to stay with me and go down the path just enough to the point where she knew she couldn’t continue. I know this because I drove down the road the other day and I saw her. She looked just like she did when I first met her, her hair was the same again, her clothes were the same again, she was just more older and mature. She didn’t look like the mess she was when I left. The mess that I ultimately made her.

I now suffer with depression and I am trying to stop myself from a lot of drug use. I still smoke weed, I’m hooked on nicotine and I’ve become a huge fan of psychedelics. The only friends I have are my childhood friends and they all have changed too so I don’t know how long we will be friends. I worked so hard to make sure I was not alone and here I am, Alone. The only thing I do now is attend summer school at the community college she attends (or so i know still attends). I also picked up guitar. I only hope that if I study hard enough like use to before I went down such a dark path and if i continue expressing myself with guitar it will help. I also began running again but everything still hurts. I sit here at age 19, each day I feel like I’m fighting the darkness that surrounds me. I don’t want to speak to anyone because all i say is negative things, my mindset is that dark. The dark path I started when I was 16 when M showed me that money. I should’ve seen that ML was a light in the darkness and if I only stayed pure maybe she would still be with me and we could have that future we always dreamed of. I feel so dark, so twisted, I feel so negative now, I feel no positives. I just know I have school, my guitar, my therapist, and my running.

IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR

Thank you for reading my story, everyday I strive to become more positive, I know I am not alone when I say I went down a dark path. I will take any advice from anyone and if you yourself are in a dark hole, I hope you find your way to the light too. 

PS ever since I returned home from the University I've been focusing on school, health, and self actualizing

[Prabhaker]

On 6/12/2017 at 1:00 AM, jsh32298 said:

I now suffer with depression

Whenever you are depressed, wait for the moment that the depression goes. Nothing lasts forever; the depression will go. And when it leaves you, wait – be aware and alert – because after the depression, after the night, there will be a dawn and the sun will rise. If you can be alert in that moment. you will he happy that you were depressed. You will be grateful that you are depressed because only through your depression was this mint of happiness possible

But what do we do? We move in an infinite regression We get depressed. Then we get depressed because of the depression: a second depression follows. If you are depressed. that′s okay! – nothing is wrong in it. It is beautiful because through it you will learn and mature. But then you feel badly. "Why do I get depressed? I should not get depressed." Then you start fighting with the depression. The first depression is good, but the second depression is unreal. And this unreal depression will cloud your mind. You will miss the moment that would have followed the real depression.

When depressed, be depressed. Simply be depressed. Don′t get depressed about your depression. When depressed, simply be depressed. Don′t fight it, don′t create any diversion, don′t force it to go. Just allow it to happen; it will go by itself. Life is a flux; nothing remains the same. You are not needed; the river moves by itself, you don′t have to push it. If you are trying to push it, you are simply foolish. The river flows by itself. Allow it to flow.
When depression is there, allow it to be. Don′t get depressed about it. If you want to remove it sooner, you will get depressed. If you fight it, you will create a secondary depression that is dangerous. The first depression is beautiful, God-given. The second depression is your own. It is not God-given; it is mental. Then you will move in mental grooves. They are infinite.

If you get depressed, be happy that you are depressed and allow the depression to be. Then suddenly the depression will disappear and there will be a breakthrough. No clouds will be there and the sky will be clear. For a single moment, heaven opens for you. If you are not depressed about your depression you can contact, you can commune, you can enter this heavenly gate. And once you know it, you have learned one of the ultimate laws of life: that life uses the opposite as a teacher, as a back-ground.

(Osho - The New Alchemy: To Turn You On #8, The Silence That Follows the Storm)

[Prabhaker]

@jsh32298

A person who does regular Osho Dynamic meditation can never go into depression or any kind of psychiatric illness in his life. 

http://www.oshodynamic.com/five-stages.html

 

[jsh32298]

@Prabhaker

Wow what an experience. When i first saw this video in the morning it looked ridiculous. But when I came home from class today in the afternoon nobody was home, therefore I decided to give it a shot. I must say wow, I've never felt so grounded. I faced inner demons and came out different. Just like the guy at the end of the video, I immediately stepped outside and the sound of birds and seeing nature was so peaceful. Thank you.