Getting Rid Of Family Roles?

[Scholar]

I have this issue that whenever I'm with a certain family member, I feel pressured to act a certain way. For example, when I'm with my sister, I immediately take on the role of a little brother, which means talking with a higher pitched voice, being gentler and generally seemingly less confident in whatever I am doing. It seems like I'm basicly losing all my masculinity in her presence. With my father I always feel like I need to be serious, and I have a hard time expression my true emotions infront of him. I also have roles when I'm with older people, but these roles really do not bother me. With my mother I seem to be most authentic and masculine, the same goes for cousins, aunts and uncles.

 

Most of it is quite annoying though, any tips on how to resolve these roles?

[egoeimai]

It's annoying to live with people in my opinion.

[Echoes]

@Scholar

 

[Joseph Maynor]

Do this exercise.  This is how I do roles work myself.  And I've made huge progress doing this work.  Awareness alone is curative, so more specific information in your head about your role can help you arms-length the thoughts and emotions that entice you (suck you in) to play the role.  You will find out what is triggering you to play the role.  Then you can strategize about how to remove those triggers, or prevent them from being set off.  Enlightenment is the work you wanna be doing simultaneously, because enlightenment really works to unsettle roles that have crystallized in your life.

Part 1:

Write the name of the role on the top of the page, and then freewrite until you fill up the entire page for each role.  So, for example

"The Know It All"

The guy who always has to have an opinion.  The guy who can't just let your opinion be yours and his his, he's gotta try to convince you otherwise.  The guy who was put under siege.  John put me under siege.  Etc.

...And just keep doing this for the rest of the page.  You gotta really open up and don't really censor yourself here!  It's a core dump procedure.  You gotta purge this stuff out.  All your half-baked thoughts sprinkled in with connections to your life.  Write quickly and briskly.

Part 2:

Answer these questions aloud without looking at your freewriting page.  Read your freewriting page once thru though before addressing these questions, then set the freewriting page aside.  Do these questions out loud like when you're walking somewhere.  Give yourself time to ponder.  Or go to the park and do this.  (Modified from Leo's Worksheet in the Roles video.)

1.  What is the role that I am/was playing?  Describe the role.
2.  What are the specific ways that I act/acted out this role?
3.  When did I adopt this role?  (Can I pinpoint the moment when I started to adopt this role?)
4.  What was life like before I started acting this role?
5.  How did I acquire this role?
6.  What traumatic event(s), if any, created the need for this role?
7.  Why do/did I need this role?  What function did/does this role serve in my life?
8.  What deep psychological need did/does playing out this role satisfy?  How was/is this role protecting me?
9.  How artificial and contrived was/is this role?
10.  Which genuine aspect of me was/is this role suppressing? 

NOTE: Don't do more than like one role every 3 days.  Give your mind a chance to wrap itself around each role.  Pace yourself.  You need time to do a deep dive into like 5 key roles before you can make real solid progress in roles work.  That means you go through this process with like your top 5 to 10 negative roles.  
 

Edited June 8, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Christian]

@Scholar

This is not just an issue of family roles. I see a deeper problem here. It seems to me that you are actually the one creating the problem! Notice that. You are the one who takes on these roles when you are around different family members. Now, you have probably been programmed to do take on these roles, but you are still activaly playing the roles and you can decide whether to continue or not.  There are certain underlying benefits which motivate you to play these roles that you need to become aware of to solve your problem. Yet,  before you take responsibility, this issue cannot be solved. 

After taking responsibility, try to investigate your own beliefs. Why am I playing these roles? What is the benefit of playing these roles? Identify the reason why you play roles and remove the source. Maybe you are afraid of experiencing being authentic because people have traumatized you in the past when being yourself. It seems you are definetly running away from something. That something might be hurt or fear. Investigate what that feeling is. Try to become really conscious of its prescence and shine your light of awareness on it every day. Eventually it will pass and your problem will be permanently solved.  It might take months, but likely years so be patient! 

Recomnended list of tools and techniques: meditation, do nothing, self inquiry, contemplation, mindfulness with labeling, psychedelics. 

[Scholar]

I will definitely try out the techniques. Some of the roles I mentioned, especially my little brother roles, are due to not wanting to make the other person feel awkward. I understand the role farely well, and why I am doing it, but it seems like I don't want to bring my sister in an awkward situation where she suddenly has to deal with another person. At this point, when I meet new people, I can pretty much control the role I am using. And this is what I'm doing with older people aswell, like grandmas and grandfathers. I adopt a role for their comfort, and it doesn't bother me at all. But with family like my sister it's more of because I want to avoid an awkward moment, for her aswell as for me. Because I can clearly see that she is playing a role aswell, and it's like "Oh well, if she is playing her role, I better play mine...". It's not really that much of a problem until a third person comes in, because the role is designed for her, and it works well, but when someone else comes along the role suddenly is useless. Sometimes it's so bizarre that I switch roles in mid conversation as I talk to someone else. Imagine a mother talking to her husband, and then her little child comes along. Everything about her changes in an instant, because she is suddenly concerned with how her child will receive her.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Scholar