Break Up With Depressive Girlfriend?

[Prabhaker]

22 minutes ago, Emerald said:

He's too much of a toxic person.

... but Damir Elezi is saying that his girl friend  is a lovely person. He used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving. He the only person she can really relate to. Whenever he bring up something about breaking up, she pretty much begs him not to break up with her. 

Both of them fight, so something is wrong both of them, changing partner is not going to transform him. Love is the greatest alchemy. There is only one possibility for sanity to exist in relationships so they don't turn into inferiority and superiority games, so they don't become sado-masochistic tortures. And that only possibility is in the presence of an unconditional love.

[Guest Annetta]

@Fidelio Probably hermit maybe waif if they overlap some.  I relate to the descriptions of the fog it creates in determining reality due to fears of being abandoned, neediness and feeling that there is integrally something wrong with me and the lack of a solid identity, but less so with the volatility and I never feel suicidal, just sort of stuck in this half-formed worrying state.

@Emerald  Your boyfriend sounds like mine and I agree with your advice to this person.

[Prabhaker]

2 minutes ago, Annetta said:

@Emerald  Your boyfriend sounds like mine

.. but Damir Elezi's girl friend is different, she needs love and support. 

[Prabhaker]

3 minutes ago, Fidelio said:

Didn't you marry a cow? Moo?

[Guest Annetta]

@Fidelio Sometimes I lie, like if I feel ashamed that I have missed an appointment or something I have scheduled due to anxiety, then in order not to disappoint my family I might tell them I went to the appointment or that something has happened that prevented me from going.  Or if someone I don't know asks me about myself, like on the street or at a bar in conversation, I will tell them something different about my life (like that I am currently working) instead of telling them that I have severe anxiety and hide in my home all the time.

I think I manipulate, but I'm not aware of it.  I feel stuck in a cycle of being too insecure and anxious, and simultaneously like I am running a script from childhood where everyone has the potential to treat me as my family has.

I am capable of love, because I have experienced the genuine thing from close friendships.  I can only love if I know that I will be accepted for who I am, and if I am not accepted, or don't feel accepted then I will usually retreat to get away from feelings of being unworthy or evil.

So it's possible.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

... but Damir Elezi is saying that his girl friend  is a lovely person. He used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving. He the only person she can really relate to. Whenever he bring up something about breaking up, she pretty much begs him not to break up with her. 

Both of them fight, so something is wrong both of them, changing partner is not going to transform him. Love is the greatest alchemy. There is only one possibility for sanity to exist in relationships so they don't turn into inferiority and superiority games, so they don't become sado-masochistic tortures. And that only possibility is in the presence of an unconditional love.

So is he. He's a really great person in many ways. He's the most generous-spirited person that I've ever met. He didn't have money because of his impulsive ways and vices, but he was always generous with what he had and always willing to help someone out. He was also very tender and caring much of the time. These were the things that I focused on about him when I chose to stay in the relationship for four years. I cared about him and valued our relationship above my own happiness, so I saw his best parts and skipped over the worst. That's what I thought love was. But he was also very manipulative and full of rage. He also couldn't do right by himself... and so he couldn't really do right by others.

I heard myself reflected in this post. So, I wanted to be sure that I gave this perspective. The person who posted is not responsible for maintaining his girlfriend's well-being by staying in that relationship. In fact, the relationship may even be enabling her negative behaviors, as I was with my ex. As much as I'm better without Jeff, I'm positive that Jeff is better without the younger, more naive version of myself there to enable him. My impression from the post, is that this relationship is an attachment based in mutual fear. She is afraid of him leaving her. He is afraid of leaving her and hurting her or staying and feeling squelched. So, the relationship isn't really serving anyone. So, with regard to unconditional love, t's also important to remember that unconditional love also applies to the self. 

But you are right that changing partners is not going to transform him. The work must be done alone or he'll keep getting into attachment situations over and over again in relationships and otherwise. But if I'm honest, I know that I wouldn't have been able to grow and transform within the confines of that relationship. So, it's important to let go if it's time to let go. 

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Annetta said:

@Emerald  Your boyfriend sounds like mine and I agree with your advice to this person.

I think this type of thing is a common manipulation tactic. So, I wouldn't doubt that many people have been dealing with a partner like this. I'm not sure if the person who posted is dealing with this because of the positive light they've cast their partner in. But I know that I would have done the same with my ex. I always looked at him through rose-colored glasses, so I didn't see the manipulation happening as it was happening. I consider it a possibility that this is what the person may be going through. My ex was always trying to make me feel like it was my responsibility to keep him away from suicide. So, I felt very stuck. I literally thought that, if I broke up with him, that he'd kill himself. So, I felt like I had to be his caretaker... which was a tall order for me at ages 16-20, to have to deal with. 

[Damir Elezi]

On 9.6.2017 at 5:10 AM, Prabhaker said:

Mind has light moments and dark moments, day moments and night moments. When it is a day moment everything feels very good; you can see everything clearly. When night comes everything become dark and you cannot see anything clearly.

There is every possibility he may decide something when it was night time, a dark moment, a low energy moment. If he decide something in that moment, it will not be wise because he has seen beautiful moments also with this woman.

When the night is there, remember the day too — don’t forget it — and soon the day will be coming. Whenever you have to decide, it is always good to decide in daytime; then your life will have a positivity. If you decide in the night time your life will become negative.

This is seriously one of the most amazing things I have heard about my situation, so glad I posted This on here. Thank you so much.

 

 

Thanks everybody for bothering to answer, it's crazy how This could develop into such a discussion

Just if you're wondering, I talked to her about everything, she was very sad but didn't get mad at me or anything, she understood. That moment I notice that I do not want to leave her and never see her again. The thought was unbearable. You could say I am too attached to her, I probably am. But if we'd leave behind everything we are attached to, everybody on this forum would be a hermit, wouldn't he? I decided to give this one last chance. We are both much too dependent on each other, I suggested that we should not be together as much any more and focus on our own path, seeing The other person as our inspiration and supporter, But not as something we have to dedicate our lives to. I also suggested meeting new people, me talking to other girls and her talking to other boys, just to get out of the "this person is the only one I have" mindset. She first didn't understand, But after some talking She got past her insecure beliefs about me not really liking her, trying to cheat on her a.s.o. And really understood. Right now, our relationship is in a much better place again and I feel much more empowered talking about all that. I also feel like I don't even need her that much any more - I WANT her.

No idea if this is a good solution and No idea how long it lasts, But I am willing to try. 

To those who asked about her condition, She has been in a psychiatry 5 years ago for half a year and has been in therapy since then until now. Her therapy has ended some months ago, But we both agreed that She should search another therapist to get professional help. You gotta understand - when She was 15 She couldn't bare being alive. Tried to kill herself several times. Today, most of the time You don't even notice that there is something wrong with her, except the normal shyness many girls show. As her boyfriend, I can see her darker days and there are some times where She is without motivation and it seems like nothing works. She will be full of negativity and pull me down with her. But this also has gotten better in these 2 years. In the beginning She still had problems with alcohol and cigarettes, which She took to calm herself down. Now She doesn't take any of that any more.

I see potential for growth here. Maybe I am just deluding myself But who knows, fuck it. Right now I am just happy that it got better for the moment

[Guest Annetta]

As long as she is improving as a person, no reason not to stick it out and see what the future brings.  Good luck to you both, all the best. <3

[Damir Elezi]

@Annetta thank You so much, I really appreciate that <3

[ajasatya]

@Damir Elezi i am very happy for you due to your courage to take action.

pain hurts but it's not hell yet. hell is trying to avoid necessary pain.

[Guest Annetta]

@Damir Elezi You're welcome! :3

[SFRL]

On 6/7/2017 at 6:18 PM, Damir Elezi said:

My girlfriend suffers from borderline and depression due to childhood abuse and mobbing. I got together with her almost two years ago with the mindset of trying to change her and help her get out of her depression. I gave up on that, as I realized that I can support her, but can not change her because she has to do that on her own. I used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving.

But since a month or so, I feel like I don't really love her as much. We keep fighting over small bullshit things almost every time We see each other. We both can come to peace after the fights and apologize, but I don't feel like this is right... I cry a lot and this whole thing stresses me extremely. 

Also the thought of dating other girls doesn't go out of my head. I am 20 years old and I feel like my freedom is being taken away by this relationship. It's my first girlfriend and I want to experiment with other girls and see how far I can go with them. As We both plan to move out of our parents' house, We planned on moving in together (which I agreed on), but I don't know if this is the right step, because it gets me a whole lot closer to her. We hang out together every day anyway, and it's already a lot like living together, but I think if We move in together, a breakup wouldn't just mean emotional pain (which is bad enough) but Also financial problems and stress about looking for another flat I can afford on my own. 

What holds me back, besides the obvious fear of emotional labor, is that she is actually a really cool, caring, loving and beautiful girlfriend. She supports me a lot and understands me better than anyone I have ever met. At least sometimes.. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand me At all. She always apologizes after She does some stupid things and I am sure that living with her would be managable.We don't even have real problems and We like each other a lot. It's just... I feel like I'm wasting potential.

She's also pretty clingy and I am the only person She can really relate to. Whenever I bring up something about breaking up, She pretty much begs me not to break up with her. The thought of losing me freaks her out and I don't want to hurt her. She is a lovely person. I am also scared that She might hurt herself if I break up.

I think to myself that I'd love to have her as a good friend, while dating other girls. But An open relationship is not An option for her. And breaking up would mean losing her forever. I don't want to lose her, I just don't wanna be this close.

I really don't know what to do on this one. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

 

Unlike a lot of others I don't want to focus on your girlfriend. Its not her fault. She sounds like a good girlfriend actually. With some flaws here and there just like any other girl that you will ever meet. That she has depressive episodes is also besides the point. It doesn't matter. 

What is really going on is that you are curious what it. like to bang other girls. Because you don't know or not very well. That curiosity you will satisfy sooner or later. So if you stay with her and marry her and have kids with her you will probably still cheat on her some day. 

You would not have this problem if you already have been with enough girls. Other women will still turn you on. But you won't have that curiosity anymore because you generally know what other women are like. 

Now this girlfriend may be the best one you ever banged. But you won't know until you can compare. Once you can compare after you have been with enough women you may want this girlfriend back. Or you dont. You can decide what to do then. 

There is also another option. Just stay with this girl and be faithful. But focus on other things then the relationship with her. Put the relationship on the backburner for a while and focus more on new hobby's and activities.