Break Up With Depressive Girlfriend?

[Damir Elezi]

My girlfriend suffers from borderline and depression due to childhood abuse and mobbing. I got together with her almost two years ago with the mindset of trying to change her and help her get out of her depression. I gave up on that, as I realized that I can support her, but can not change her because she has to do that on her own. I used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving.

But since a month or so, I feel like I don't really love her as much. We keep fighting over small bullshit things almost every time We see each other. We both can come to peace after the fights and apologize, but I don't feel like this is right... I cry a lot and this whole thing stresses me extremely. 

Also the thought of dating other girls doesn't go out of my head. I am 20 years old and I feel like my freedom is being taken away by this relationship. It's my first girlfriend and I want to experiment with other girls and see how far I can go with them. As We both plan to move out of our parents' house, We planned on moving in together (which I agreed on), but I don't know if this is the right step, because it gets me a whole lot closer to her. We hang out together every day anyway, and it's already a lot like living together, but I think if We move in together, a breakup wouldn't just mean emotional pain (which is bad enough) but Also financial problems and stress about looking for another flat I can afford on my own. 

What holds me back, besides the obvious fear of emotional labor, is that she is actually a really cool, caring, loving and beautiful girlfriend. She supports me a lot and understands me better than anyone I have ever met. At least sometimes.. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand me At all. She always apologizes after She does some stupid things and I am sure that living with her would be managable.We don't even have real problems and We like each other a lot. It's just... I feel like I'm wasting potential.

She's also pretty clingy and I am the only person She can really relate to. Whenever I bring up something about breaking up, She pretty much begs me not to break up with her. The thought of losing me freaks her out and I don't want to hurt her. She is a lovely person. I am also scared that She might hurt herself if I break up.

I think to myself that I'd love to have her as a good friend, while dating other girls. But An open relationship is not An option for her. And breaking up would mean losing her forever. I don't want to lose her, I just don't wanna be this close.

I really don't know what to do on this one. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

 

[ajasatya]

@Damir Elezi both of you are suffering from attachment. nothing good can come out of it, only more attachment and suffering.

when two ego driven human beings get too close they suck each other's energy.

the healing path goes in the opposite direction: to a state of completeness.

stop feeding her dependency. she has to feel the pain she needs to. avoiding pain is a waste of time.

[SFRL]

That's a tough one but if you want to be with other girls you are going to do it sooner or later anyways. 

If you change your mind later you can always try to get her back. 

[electroBeam]

@Damir Elezi I think you're gonna think about other girls, no matter which girl you end up with. There will always be other girls out there who are more attractive, seem nicer on the surface, seem more similar to you.

With relationships, finding the right partner isn't a definite process, its indefinite. 

I don't have any advice on your particular solution. I never know what to do in those situations, but just wanted to caution you that thinking about other girls is never going to go away.

[Lynnel]

@Damir Elezi  Break up. Do it. She is pulling you down minute after minute, hour after hour and day after day. Having such a person in your life is almost like mental cancer.

[Damir Elezi]

Thank you guys, alright maybe this is the best solution. But how do I do it? I want to avoid hurting her as much as possible. 

[egoeimai]

12 hours ago, Damir Elezi said:

My girlfriend suffers from borderline and depression due to childhood abuse and mobbing. I got together with her almost two years ago with the mindset of trying to change her and help her get out of her depression. I gave up on that, as I realized that I can support her, but can not change her because she has to do that on her own. I used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving.

But since a month or so, I feel like I don't really love her as much. We keep fighting over small bullshit things almost every time We see each other. We both can come to peace after the fights and apologize, but I don't feel like this is right... I cry a lot and this whole thing stresses me extremely. 

Also the thought of dating other girls doesn't go out of my head. I am 20 years old and I feel like my freedom is being taken away by this relationship. It's my first girlfriend and I want to experiment with other girls and see how far I can go with them. As We both plan to move out of our parents' house, We planned on moving in together (which I agreed on), but I don't know if this is the right step, because it gets me a whole lot closer to her. We hang out together every day anyway, and it's already a lot like living together, but I think if We move in together, a breakup wouldn't just mean emotional pain (which is bad enough) but Also financial problems and stress about looking for another flat I can afford on my own. 

What holds me back, besides the obvious fear of emotional labor, is that she is actually a really cool, caring, loving and beautiful girlfriend. She supports me a lot and understands me better than anyone I have ever met. At least sometimes.. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand me At all. She always apologizes after She does some stupid things and I am sure that living with her would be managable.We don't even have real problems and We like each other a lot. It's just... I feel like I'm wasting potential.

She's also pretty clingy and I am the only person She can really relate to. Whenever I bring up something about breaking up, She pretty much begs me not to break up with her. The thought of losing me freaks her out and I don't want to hurt her. She is a lovely person. I am also scared that She might hurt herself if I break up.

I think to myself that I'd love to have her as a good friend, while dating other girls. But An open relationship is not An option for her. And breaking up would mean losing her forever. I don't want to lose her, I just don't wanna be this close.

I really don't know what to do on this one. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

 

First of all she doesn't love herself. So she never loved you. Sorry. 

You must find another relationship and leave her, so she can deal with herself and her depression. You are not the right person for her. Nobody is until she finds herself. But specifically you are not the one because you can't love her with her depression ,sorry dude but you have to leave.

[Prabhaker]

2 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

but you have to leave

How to Ruin Your Relationship

 

 

[egoeimai]

2 minutes ago, Prabhaker said:

How to Ruin Your Relationship

 

 

I'm not in mood to watch a video. Please tell me what it's important in this ? The reply was to me ,? 

[Lynnel]

@Damir Elezi 

Go read about enmeshment/emotionnal incest  => Neil Strauss/ The truth and silently seduced by Ken Adams. You will be amazed. You shouldn't care about her feelings because that's her problem to handle. What you're doing is that you're repeating an mother abuse scenario.

Either way expect her to pull you down to hell as much as possible : she will try to hurt you mentally and physically so you stay weak and do not leave or or come back to her. She will use anything. So cut her from your life as much as possible. When you look at her do not see a human being - see a demon who is trying to destroy your entire life. What happens to her is not your problem to handle. You are not responsible for mentally sick people.

[Prabhaker]

6 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

The reply was to me ,? 

You suggested Damir Elezi to leave his girlfriend. So I posted a video "How to Ruin Your Relationship". You can watch it later if you are not in mood , it's funny.

[ajasatya]

5 hours ago, Damir Elezi said:

how do I do it? I want to avoid hurting her as much as possible.

stop trying to avoid pain. look straight into her eyes and be as true as truth itself can be. learn how to be sincere for once as soon as possible.

you're not hurting her. she's not hurting you. she's hurting herself and you're hurting yourself due to blind attachment. grow out of it.

[Wazen]

Rip the bandaid off. You have control to a certain point. I was in a relationship that had factors like this for about a year, and the constant break up back together thing hurt her even more.

This is where you have control up to: Break up with her. 

After that the rest is up to her and you don't really have much influence let alone responsibility. There's no gentle way to do this, sometimes you have to go through pain. Sorry man, good luck. 

[Guest Annetta]

Hard to say what you should do, from what I have read, borderlines can be kind of messy to date.  I did some research on BPD a few months ago and have some info on this personality disorder.
She sounds like waif subtype.
Responding to borderline provocations
Do you love to be needed?

Break up.  Unless she has gone through therapy, your relationship will not likely get better.  if it has been two years and there is no improvement, then you are wasting your youth.  Be honest with her.  If you're afraid she will hurt herself if you break up that is holding you hostage dude.  

[Prabhaker]

17 minutes ago, Annetta said:

 Break up. if it has been two years and there is no improvement, then you are wasting your youth.

That's cruel.

@Damir Elezi  is saying that she is a lovely person. He used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving. He the only person she can really relate to. Whenever he bring up something about breaking up, she pretty much begs him not to break up with her. 

That is enough to continue the relationship.

If there is no improvement, it only shows that they don't know art of living. Both of them keep fighting over small bullshit things almost every time they see each other. So, both of them are immature. 

Learn to love totally , unconditionally. Love is painful because it transforms; love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful , but if you escape , you will not grow. 

[Guest Annetta]

@Prabhaker He wants to go and she is guilting him to stay, that's holding someone emotionally hostage.
I know it sounds cruel, hopefully you are right.  That would be a better situation for the both of them.

[Prabhaker]

1 minute ago, Annetta said:

He wants to go and she is guilting him to stay

Mind has light moments and dark moments, day moments and night moments. When it is a day moment everything feels very good; you can see everything clearly. When night comes everything become dark and you cannot see anything clearly.

There is every possibility he may decide something when it was night time, a dark moment, a low energy moment. If he decide something in that moment, it will not be wise because he has seen beautiful moments also with this woman.

When the night is there, remember the day too — don’t forget it — and soon the day will be coming. Whenever you have to decide, it is always good to decide in daytime; then your life will have a positivity. If you decide in the night time your life will become negative.

[Guest Annetta]

@Fidelio I considered it for a time but the only official diagnoses I have had over the years are Aspergers, depression, anxiety and ocd.  Seeing a psychiatrist in July and setting up with a counselor once my medical card comes in the mail, I'll tell them the symptoms of what has been going on and let them decide what it could be.
If it is, there is a DBT program at Harborview I could take.

[Guest Annetta]

@Fidelio Mother might be.  Grandmother might be as well.  I read that it does, but not all the time.  It's possible, I won't rule anything out.

[Emerald]

On 6/7/2017 at 6:18 PM, Damir Elezi said:

My girlfriend suffers from borderline and depression due to childhood abuse and mobbing. I got together with her almost two years ago with the mindset of trying to change her and help her get out of her depression. I gave up on that, as I realized that I can support her, but can not change her because she has to do that on her own. I used to enjoy the relationship and she has been very supportive and loving.

But since a month or so, I feel like I don't really love her as much. We keep fighting over small bullshit things almost every time We see each other. We both can come to peace after the fights and apologize, but I don't feel like this is right... I cry a lot and this whole thing stresses me extremely. 

Also the thought of dating other girls doesn't go out of my head. I am 20 years old and I feel like my freedom is being taken away by this relationship. It's my first girlfriend and I want to experiment with other girls and see how far I can go with them. As We both plan to move out of our parents' house, We planned on moving in together (which I agreed on), but I don't know if this is the right step, because it gets me a whole lot closer to her. We hang out together every day anyway, and it's already a lot like living together, but I think if We move in together, a breakup wouldn't just mean emotional pain (which is bad enough) but Also financial problems and stress about looking for another flat I can afford on my own. 

What holds me back, besides the obvious fear of emotional labor, is that she is actually a really cool, caring, loving and beautiful girlfriend. She supports me a lot and understands me better than anyone I have ever met. At least sometimes.. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand me At all. She always apologizes after She does some stupid things and I am sure that living with her would be managable.We don't even have real problems and We like each other a lot. It's just... I feel like I'm wasting potential.

She's also pretty clingy and I am the only person She can really relate to. Whenever I bring up something about breaking up, She pretty much begs me not to break up with her. The thought of losing me freaks her out and I don't want to hurt her. She is a lovely person. I am also scared that She might hurt herself if I break up.

I think to myself that I'd love to have her as a good friend, while dating other girls. But An open relationship is not An option for her. And breaking up would mean losing her forever. I don't want to lose her, I just don't wanna be this close.

I really don't know what to do on this one. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

 

My advice is to break up. You will regret it later if you don't. If the relationship is something that you really want, you'll eventually come back to it. If it's not, you'll feel incredibly relieved to be rid of it and never think about going back. This might be a scary thought, but you have to let go when it's time to let go. You're 20 years old. You need to experience things in order to feel that you've lived a full life. You have to live what feels right to you. You can't do this when you feel weighed down by a relationship that you're not 100% about.

I was with my first boyfriend for four years, and our relationship ended very badly with so much resistance from myself. I was so attached to him that I was willing to brave any unpleasantry that he gave to me (threatening suicide, constantly in legal trouble, bouts of rage, threats of violence, constant money issues, drug habits, etc.) I felt like I was responsible for his happiness and well-being, and that I was the thing keeping him away from suicide that was a constant looming threat. This was what he manipulated me into believing. Eight years later, and he's still alive and doing the same as he ever was. And my life is exponentially better than it was then. 

It's harsh to say. But you're not responsible for keeping her happy. You have a life to live. My recommendation is to break up, and immediately get 3 or 4 months of distance. After a few months, you can see how she's doing. But I don't recommend a close friendship. It should be a distant friendship. I never talk to my ex though. He's too much of a toxic person. He's a very unfortunate person, but he's very toxic to be around. This is something that you'll have to suss out for yourself though, given that she's a different person.