Becoming A Social-meditative Guy

[Gabriel Antonio]

Hello, everybody!

I feel like starting a new journal because I have just entered a new phase of my life. I felt a huge energetic shift yesterday (6-6-2017).

Background story: In the beginning of the year, I was focusing a lot on meditation; then, over the last month, I have been focusing heavily on socializing. So, now, I want to find balance between these two.

I realize that they are two poles of a spectrum:

Meditation                                                |                                                       Socializing

Now:

Meditation                                                |                                             x          Socializing

Goal (next month -- 7-7-2017):

Meditation                                              x|                                                       Socializing

Anyway, my goal is to find a middle ground between these two. I am aware of dynamic balance, so it's natural to fluctuate between the two poles.

Socializing: I feel like I have enough of commitments, friendships, and hobbies. Neither do I have to add nor remove any of them. Just keep them as they are.

Meditation: I have just started a new journal committing to meditating for at least 150 minutes/day for the next 10 days. Despite the challenges involved in being more reclusive, I am willing to go through this initial stage. Right now, I feel like I even need more than 2:30 hours a day of formal meditation. Today, for example, I am shooting for 4 hours (still got 40 minutes left).

On this journal, I will write about some random thoughts I have, my insecurities about investing more alone-time, and my emotions during the day.

Thank you!

 

 

Edited June 7, 2017 by Gabriel Antonio

[Gabriel Antonio]

Self-Confidence

> I watched Leo's video about confidence today. I like his approach of slowly breaking out of your shell. Consistency is everything.

> I feel like I have enough social "obligations" (e.g., english classes, spiritism center, and meditation class). At the same time, I am open to going out. But I won't be hunting for them, nor will I go to very far places to meet with a friend (maximum time: 45 minutes by bus).

> I feel like deciding to focus on meditation has allowed me to be less needy. I don't need the presence of others necessarily, because I know how satisfying solitude is. Or maybe I am just deluding myself here. Social interactions haven't been fulfilling me.

Meditation

> I was worried that I wasn't going to pull off 4 hours. But I did Hooray! It was actually quite easy.

> I took a nap during the day which helped boost my meditation.

> I am attracted by solitude. Well, mainly because I feel pretty lost in the ordinary world. Being able to stay by myself for a prolonged period of time numbs me down in a way. Maybe a better verb is "calms." 

> Meditating for a prolonged period gives me a sense of console for the day. Like, "Oh, it's ok that I feel shitty today. I am here for the big picture. I did my fair share today."

> I feel like I am meditating "wrong." A lot of times I feel very unconscious when I am meditating. That's pretty creepy to think about. I do get some very sporadic flashes of consciousness.

> Two days ago, I was at a friend's house, and I decided, "I am going to focus 100% of my attention in my breath."

So I started counting my breaths. "In, out 1; in, out 2; in, out 3 etc." I felt very present and concentrated. But counting my breath takes so much effort that I find it impractical to implement that in my daily life.

> I am going to my meditation group tomorrow. I get lots of monkey chatter when I meditate in group.

> I like the fact that when you decide to meditate, you are consciously removing distractions for a certain amount of time.

Work

I am an ESL (English as a Second Language) and PSL (Portuguese as a Second Language) tutor. This helps a lot with socializing.

I gave two English classes today. I feel I am getting really good at organizing the classes. I have been making plans for each class. This helps me a lot.

Quote

silence > 1 minute
free conversation > 20 minutes
grammar > 10 minutes (Exercise on past tense)
reading & vocabulary & pronunciation > 20 minutes (http://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/columnists/ruth-ostrow/home-truths-owning-your-flaws-and-mistakes-will-save-relationships/news-story/589aa33f1067ab9dbefd88750a5516d6)
conversation about the article > 10 minutes
listening > 10 minutes: 7:40 to 8:44 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8IrpE9G_v4)
free conversation > 5 minutes
miniquiz > 5 min
silence > 1 minute

Three things I was able to implement in all classes that's out of my comfort zone:

1- I always do one minute of silence when we start and another minute when we finish.

2- I put on some 432 hz in the background.

3- I do a mini-quiz about the vocabulary and pronunciation we saw during the class.

Comfort Zone Challenges

> I feel like doing softer comfort zone challenges.

> I did a sincere compliment to a woman on the street.

> One student almost forgot to pay me for 1 class. I thought to myself, "Ok, I got to let her know." But fear arose. I almost did not say it. But I have become so accustomed to facing fear and getting uncomfortable that I simply said to her. You might ask yourself, "Did he do it in a shy way or in a confident way?" Let me tell ya: In a very, very shy way. But, hey, I did it. That's what matters.

"Speak even if you voice shakes." Ralph Smart

Random Thoughts

> I like how I literally don't have to do anything in order to feel good when I am meditating. The trick is to be patient. In my day-to-day life, when I am feeling depressed or lazy; I motivate myself to do stuff by talking to myself, "Ok, Gabriel, time to move your butt."

But, in meditation, we learn that being with the emotion, the pain, the unpleasant thought without any input from us is all we need to transform them.

We, then, become aware of the impermanent nature of our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. We can tell ourselves, "Oh, this thought is unpleasant. That's ok. Before I know it, it will pass."

> I like that I take cold showers every morning almost effortlessly. I have become pretty experienced with that. The level of difficulty is probably 4/10 even in cold days. I have been taking cold showers for 2 years now.

People get very impressed when I tell that I take cold showers. They're like, "Why the hell would you choose that?" 

> I have been jogging for 40 minutes twice a day while listening to Leo, Ralph Smart, or Matt Kahn. Great company.

> I have been eating a lot. I am training myself to become aware during the process. I clearly know that guilting myself not to eat backfires, so I am using the alternative of in-the-moment observation that I learned on Leo's video "Awareness Alone is Curative."

> I saw two episodes of "Avatar: The Last Airbender". There many teachings on that show. For example, "Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing." and also "Worry less about where, but more on the going."

Hasta la vista, baby!

[Gabriel Antonio]

Self-Confidence

> I was reclusive today.

> I am beginning to trust myself more. I don't feel the need to be another person when I am around others. Who I already am is enough.

Quote

"If people won't like for who you are, why would you expect them to like for who you're not?"

Ralph Smart

> I did not go to my meditation group meeting today. I was almost forcing myself to go there, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed home and had a very restful sleep.

> I saw Leo's "How to Be More Patient" video today. Maybe I am psyching myself out of this self-confident project. I have received many criticisms from voicing my thoughts more, being more courageous, and trying new stuff out. However, something clicked in me today. "OH! It is normal to not have good results in the beginning. I am actually in the negative in this area, so I have to be extra patient with myself."

Meditation

> Meditation has been in the center of my life. All other endeavors have become secondary.

In other words, I focus my conscious energy into pulling off my meditation, and I delegate to my subconscious mind all other things in my life. For example, I don't worry about what to eat, if I am exercising or not, or if I am having good relationships. I trust that with enough time, the fruits of my meditation practice will bleed into all other areas of my life.

Work

> I got a new English student today. She is good.

Quote

"Luck is when preparation meets opportunity."

 

> Three years ago, I took some expensive American accent classes. They were amazing. And now, I feel confident with helping people improve their pronunciation.

Comfort Zone Challenges

> I didn't step away from my comfort zone today. I didn't feel this need. I am applying awareness instead of brutely taking action.

> A simple thing I did was: I was feeling heavily reclusive and tired. However, I chose to go buy some peanut candies ("paçoca" hmmm.... delicious!). I was happy to see my friend who sells them. I only interacted the minimum with her, but it was sorta nice. I was very distracted. I even forgot my keys there. But anyway... just a silly moment that will be completely forgotten in the myriad of experiences.

Random Thoughts

> I realize today that I am in a war inside myself. It is like a "good" part wants to discipline the "bad" part. But that's all ego game.

> I like that I felt good today despite having overeaten.

> I love to take a long walk while listening to Leo.

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

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Edited June 12, 2017 by Gabriel Antonio

[JKG]

7 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

> I feel most people here need to lighten up their lives (especially me and @JKG)

What exactly do you mean?!

[Gabriel Antonio]

11:30 PM 11-Jun-17

Yesterday was an interesting day. I went from hell to heaven. During the day, I was feeling the worst I have felt in a year. But, then, I went to visit a friend... and... BAM! I felt so humorous, peaceful, and joyful. I felt all my problems, overthinking, and concerns were a joke.

But, anyway, let's talk about today.

Self-Confidence
> I went out with a friend today downtown. She went by my house by surprise. I almost hesitated to go with her when she invited me. But, then, I turned off my logical mind and simply went. I love when I do that.

> Life has many fine lines. On the one hand, I can't force myself too much (that clearly backfires). For example, I was feeling very talkative today. At some point, however, I do realize that I was forcing myself to talk--which is not pleasant.

On the other hand, I also can't let myself go too loose. For example, if I don't get out of bed and just stay there, I will feel shitty afterwards, so it is better to just get up immediately despite not wanting to do so.

Meditation
> I feel I am finding balance between meditating and socializing. As I was going to my friend's house, I was telling myself, "Yes. That's a good balance. I have meditated, and now I am visiting her. Sweet."

Work
> I barely did anything today. I only prepared a class that I will give tomorrow.

Comfort Zone Challenges
> While I was downtown with my friend, I felt very courageous. I was talking to strangers on the subway. I made a compliment to a dude who had a acoustic guitar tattoo; I talked with a nun who seemed to be in a bad mood; and I made a little compliment to a guy who had a Barcelona shirt on the bus. Lots of things...

Random Thoughts
> The video "The Dark Side of Meditation" has been helping me go through this challenging period of ups and downs, of wild mood swings. It sets the right expectation.

> I was sitting in meditation thinking, "Man, I want to have a more fulfilling life and really experience the beauty that human consciousness is able to provide." As I was thinking that, my belly was kind of hurting due to all the eating I did today.

But, anyway, I know that this is a phase, and I am happy that I am keeping up with my habit of meditation despite not trusting it that much. There is a part of me that wants more, more and more. A part that thinks that I am not good enough just yet; that I have to check some boxes before feeling good. In a way, having goals is a good thing. Living out of hope is not that great, and it usually don't yield results.

> I love when I am simply feeling relaxed, tranquil, and present. That moment that I don't have to force anything, that I am flowing with life. These moments come and go.

> I like a strategy of writing that an English teacher taught me. Write as much as you can until you got no words left. I am sorta trying to do things here. At the same time, I realize that there are people who are gonna read this, so I want to at least polish this text so that people can read something without so much unnecessary info.

> I have been seeing a friend, whom makes me feel good. I am totally in my comfort zone when I am talking with her in a way.

I feel like meeting new people. And I think this need is kind of annoying because I am hardly ever able to stay still and simply appreciate all that I have got in my life. I am always looking out for more, and more, and more.

> I was talking to a friend who is a History teacher. She was talking about how bad chalks are. They are still fairly common in Brazil. She teaches at a place called Paraisopolis. There is a pretty crazy pic of that region of Sao Paulo. On one side of the image, there is a slum. On the other side, there is a super luxurious apartment with a pool on each balcony.

> When I let myself go, I often start regretting of the things I did, even though they were fun to me at the time.

@JKG I was in a strange mood. Let me explain why I want to lighten up my boat, see if something resonates with you: I am pretty neurotic at times wanting to fulfill all my habits. But after having a moment of such deep relaxation yesterday, I began finding funny how serious I take life. For some reason you came to mind while I was writing that journal entry--don't really know why. Maybe because I see a lot myself in you.

But, anyway, that was a lame post. I even deleted it. Haux, haux, haux

[Gabriel Antonio]

How'dy! 

Self-Confidence

Nothing to add here. 

Meditation

I have been doing affirmations. I feel they are fortifying all my self-development skills. I repeat each affirmation 10x. 30 minutes sessions. Awesome! 

Work

Had a new student today, and he thought the price of my class was the double of what it actually is. I almost let it be, but I told him the truth. Hehe. Dude. It was hard. I kind of regretted later, but I know that I'd overthink this either way. 

Comfort Zone Challenges

I got a new student today who seemed very stressed out from work, really overwhelmed. So it was a challenge to tell him about the 1 minute of silence that I like to do before each class. 

Eating

I love what a friend told me about feeling like you're pregnant due to overeating. I feel like that sometimes. 

Been eating quite a lot. White bread, lots of peanut butter (it's natural, but I add some cacao and brown sugar), and lots and lots of papaya. 

Random Thoughts

I feel relaxed. 

I have noticed that an addiction I have is holding tension in my body. So I have put on a rubberband around my wrist to remind myself to relax my jaw, drop my shoulders, and stick out my belly.

To-do:

> Neti-neti 

> Vipassana retreat (it's for free!)

> Prepare each language class with care 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Good Day vs Bad Day

I find it extremely interesting how a day can be considered a good day or a bad day depending upon the lenses through which you look at it.

Yesterday I wrote about my day in a very gloomy way. I was labeling it as a bad day. Yes, I did overindulged in some ways. For example, I stayed too much time on my couch with a horrible posture; overate (as usual); and watched a low-consciousness, useless, and full-of-stimulation documentary about Kurt Kobain. In essence, I was feeling lazy.

I feel like the really bad thing is not to be lazy itself, but guilting yourself due to your laziness.

SELF-WORTH

Also, I feel like I am developing my self-worth. I was reading through some texts of my own, and I was thinking, "Oh... that's not so bad." Sometimes we get caught up by how "liked" something we do is.

PSYCHEDELICS

I have been ruminating a lot over the Ayahuasca ritual in which I exaggerated, got into arguments with a "big-boss" there, and basically disturbed others.

I want to do psychedelics by myself. I have found a guy who sells Ayahuasca, and I want to do it. It is hard to do a foolproof psychedelic session, in which I will 100% not get disturbed by others.

PERSONAL INFO

I have been thinking a lot about what @Dragallur and @JKG say concerning not getting personal on the public journal. I agree. At the same time, I realize that some information might help others. I don't really like computers and virtual things, but I do recognize that they can come handy at times.

WORK

I have been feeling very motivated with my English/Portuguese classes.

I feel I am pretty balanced in general. I am learning things; I am introspecting; I am working. And the list goes on. My main weakness would be education. However, I am thinking about doing a CELTA course (which is to teach English for foreigners).

That's it for today.