Falling Of The Wagon With Pd

[Alicja_]

Hey guys, I'm gonna play a victim now, but it's been a long while since I've written anything, so I hope you'll forgive me this once.

So the story is that I totally fell of the wagon with personal development.

I've been struggling a lot with depression and psychosis (hallucinations, delusions)  for the last couple of months. I had this episode for the first time since early childhood where I experienced psychosis a lot.  I haven't had any symptoms for almost 20 years! So a sudden, totally paralysing outburst was unexpected. 

So here it comes again. Off the wagon. The only thing which still sticks when it comes to personal development is my meditation habit, even though the experience is now really, really fucked. Last time I had epileptic seizure. 

I totally lack motivation when it comes to studying the fundamentals.  I can't do any progress on my life purpose, even though I finished the course twice with the same results, still having little idea what my purpose is.  And I keep beating myself up for not working on this but there is so much going on inside me now. I lay down and sleep a lot. Or if I don't sleep I keep distinguishing reality from fiction, questioning who the hell I am in all this. And then I get up, get dressed and go to work where I act totally normal, as though everything was fine. Nobody sees that anything is wrong with me. I function okay, I even smile, feeling the hell breaking open inside my chest at the same time. 

I feel like I need a break from all of it. Personal development. I'm stuck and don't know how to move forward. However, despite all this I'm not that pessimistic, my attitude on every day basis is okay, I'm just exhausted and a bit hopeless and lonely right now, it's a state, it should have an expiry date, I guess.  

 

Edited June 5, 2017 by Alicja_

[Shin]

Go see a specialist.

Meditate and self-inquire even more, like a lot more.
Do the do nothing technique, and surrender totally.

You need to go through it full force, otherwise it may stay for a very long time.

 

That's the best I can do from here sorry

Edited June 5, 2017 by Shin

[Guest Annetta]

Avolition is very common with the sorts of symptoms you are describing, therapy and medication can help it and sticking to/starting a daily routine.  Therapist/psychologist/supportive family can help you get back on track.

I really relate to this, especially the illusion of normalcy bit.  <3  Good luck!

[Echoes]

@Alicja_ I wouldn't press this whole personal development thing in a category and subset of specific actions and thought patterns. You started your journey on this path and know that it exists. You take it seriously, even if there are phases where [specific subset of action patterns] not happen for a while. Your whole life is a process of personal development, it isn't limited to what you have read in a book or a video, or even what you project into this category. How do you know that this phase you are in right now isn't contributing more to your growth then any studying of theory? 

My advice: Keep things simple and don't pressure yourself. Stop telling yourself the story that you fell of the wagon and should as fast as possible return to  [specific subset of action patterns] and that something bad will happen if you don't. The motivation will return on it's own, you can't "should" yourself into it. That will only produce guilt and neurotic worry. 

I can't recommend this video enough: 

 

 

[ajasatya]

@Alicja_ give up completely and just stay still. this is the most profound teaching.

stop trying. just give up. watch your ego dissolve a little more.

you do not owe anything to anyone, so let yourself be free.

[Richard Alpert]

On ‎5‎.‎6‎.‎2017 at 7:54 PM, Alicja_ said:

Hey guys, I'm gonna play a victim now, but it's been a long while since I've written anything, so I hope you'll forgive me this once.

So the story is that I totally fell of the wagon with personal development.

I've been struggling a lot with depression and psychosis (hallucinations, delusions)  for the last couple of months. I had this episode for the first time since early childhood where I experienced psychosis a lot.  I haven't had any symptoms for almost 20 years! So a sudden, totally paralysing outburst was unexpected. 

So here it comes again. Off the wagon. The only thing which still sticks when it comes to personal development is my meditation habit, even though the experience is now really, really fucked. Last time I had epileptic seizure. 

I totally lack motivation when it comes to studying the fundamentals.  I can't do any progress on my life purpose, even though I finished the course twice with the same results, still having little idea what my purpose is.  And I keep beating myself up for not working on this but there is so much going on inside me now. I lay down and sleep a lot. Or if I don't sleep I keep distinguishing reality from fiction, questioning who the hell I am in all this. And then I get up, get dressed and go to work where I act totally normal, as though everything was fine. Nobody sees that anything is wrong with me. I function okay, I even smile, feeling the hell breaking open inside my chest at the same time. 

I feel like I need a break from all of it. Personal development. I'm stuck and don't know how to move forward. However, despite all this I'm not that pessimistic, my attitude on every day basis is okay, I'm just exhausted and a bit hopeless and lonely right now, it's a state, it should have an expiry date, I guess.  

 

hey, you sound like 80-90% of humans. chill out. dont worry about life purpose, it is a term that hippies invented in the last 10-20 years.

[Alicja_]

Thanks all of you