How I Awoke: The Story And Dynamics Of My Awakening

[Azrael]

Cool questions, @WaveInTheOcean!

2 hours ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

1. When you do your meditation, do you sit on a chair or do you sit cross-legged in some yoga pose, if yes which?

2. When you do the HoloSync combined with SDS and Do-Nothing, do you sit with open or closed eyes?

3. Do you regularly do any physical exercise - eg. running - to stay fit/keep the body in good health?

4. What is your life purpose?

5. Your favorite Alan Watts lecture on youtube is ...?

6. You mentioned you take kola nut with 5-MeO ... Do you happen to take any supplements daily?

7. Have you at any point had a girlfriend during the last 3 years of your life?

8. During the year where your "anxiety increased to a top", did you then have any sleep issues? If yes, was there anything in particular that helped you to sleep anyway?

1) I sit in the Burmese posture. I trained to sit in that posture and now it's very comfortable.

2) I don't decide any more. When I started with HoloSync I had my eyes closed. Now, I sometimes have them open, sometimes closed. If you wanna stick to the HoloSync advice, close them. It's recommended. If you do "Do-Nothing" long enough, it'll decide for you. I like to have my eyes open though because in my opinion it's even more "doing nothing" because you do not get into dream states and what not. But that came with time and practice. When I sit down these days and meditate, it's all about the fact that I'm sitting and nothing else.

3) Yeah, I have a home workout that I do from Mo-Fr (if I don't cheat - I sometimes do). It's just some exercises like push-ups etc. Nothing fancy. Just to have a little bit exercise in my life because I do so much mental shit with my work and studies. I run sometimes as well. But I really have to push myself to do this, I'm not your natural sports fan.

4) "I use my ability to understand numerous realities, to expand the consciousness of others." That's the abstract formulation of my life purpose. It includes the thing that I'm a master in "understand numerous realities/opinions/ways of living/..." and the thing that I wanna do with it "expand the consciousness of others". The specific application is computer science. I'm doing my studies right now and wanna get into AI / natural language processing / big data analysis. What I'll specifically be doing with that - the future will show. Right now, I'm mostly concerned with educating myself in that. But in the end, I'd like to build my own project (probably when I move to Vancouver after my studies) and connect consciousness work with this. I would love that.

5) Oh man, there are so many. My all time favourites (I can speak them simultaneously as he talks) are

• Sudden Enlightenment
• Nature of God
• Outwitting the Devil

I've heard every one of those probably 20-30 times at least. I was a big groupie for like 1,5 years. I even got a picture of him in my corridor. It's the first thing you see if you enter my apartment and his look says more then every lecture I've heard.

6) No. I experimented with vitamins, 5-HTP and fish oil. But I'm not sure yet whether I'll do this more consistently. But I don't do any medications at all, just if I would be seriously injured, but I never was. I don't think highly of common medications. But that's another topic ...

7) No, just a few quick things with girls. Especially in my "purging year" I would've not been able to have a good relationship. You first have to be good with yourself to have a good intimate relationship with someone you are in love with (at least in my experience). But I'm looking into dating right now quite a bit for the last few weeks and months.

8) No, I tend to always sleep like a baby. But I dreamed a lot. I had 7-8 months in which I dreamed very vividly on a daily basis and it felt like hours of that. No joke. Was intense. Now I dream like 4-5 out of 7 days a week, which (for me) is more normal. I remember most of my dreams, they are all crazy and I can see how I process my daily shit in them.

[Azrael]

55 minutes ago, Afonso said:

Do you suffer anymore?

Let's define suffering first before I answer the question.

"Suffering is the resistance of an intense emotion."

In that sense, I do not suffer any more in most normal cases, that would include how I normally feel throughout the day, how I feel if something happens, etc. I still feel positive / negative emotions but I tend to not hold on to them any more. They just go through me because the "suit" is off.

However, there are still limitations to that. If I would sit for long enough in strong determination sitting, I think I would suffer. I don't know, haven't tried it yet. There are probably a few very intense other things that could trigger that naturally like getting stabbed or tortured. You'd need a lot more training for that.

But these are a few exceptions. In most cases if I am subjected to a "negative experience", the mind will sing its song about it for a moment and there will be no reaction in the body to that. And then a moment later the mind realizes that and stops and sometimes laughs because it's so funny. It's like there is a natural sarcasm through that in most of what I do, just a little bit.

It's like you would have a dramatic scene in the television with very uplifting nice music. It just doesn't sells that good any more and through that you don't attach to it in any negative sense which then implicates that it doesn't bother you.

I think though that this is still a phase and that the mind will shut down even more over the next weeks and months because there is no emotional reaction happening any more. It just needs time. Old patterns seem to stay and need time to change. But it's totally fine. I don't care at all about this any more.

If I had to describe my emotional state it feels like "laying in your own bed the first time after a 21 year long vacation far away from home."

[abrakamowse]

17 minutes ago, Azrael said:

If I had to describe my emotional state it feels like "laying in your own bed the first time after a 21 year long vacation far away from home."

I need to lay in my bed too... Lol

[Martin123]

@Azrael do you still get romantic feelings for dem gurls? If so, have they changed in any manner?

[Azrael]

23 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@Azrael do you still get romantic feelings for dem gurls? If so, have they changed in any manner?

I tend to not fall in love so quickly any more. As I said in the post I can get fascinated with stuff pretty quickly. Well, that's a fucking no-no if you wanna date a girl if you drown in feelings too early. This went away or lowered a good amount.

Haven't been in a real love-state for a bit now but I would guess that it is even nicer now. But I can't tell yet. I'll let you know.

[Martin123]

@Azrael I believe there is a point where you realize that what majority of hoomans call falling in love and "bliss" is actually a bigass load of suffering. In my case several months ago romantic feelings started spontaneously appearing for girls I had not seen for ages, and then disappearing as the lovey-dovey romance was purged away.
Funnily enough usually the bottom line emotion of the "love" was loneliness... talk about purity of romantic love FUCKING HOLYWOOD FUCKING HELL FUCK YOU XD.

[bobbyward]

@Azrael do you still think strong determination sitting is the best practice for awakening. and did you use strong determination sitting when on 5meo?

[Azrael]

2 hours ago, bobbyward said:

@Azrael do you still think strong determination sitting is the best practice for awakening. and did you use strong determination sitting when on 5meo?

The best practice by far is 5-MeO-DMT. If you are able to do it often enough, enlightenment will definitely come. The question is: Are you man enough?

Strong determination sitting is a very powerful meditation. I think it helped a lot. So yeah, go do that. And no, I didn't use SDS with 5-MeO-DMT. If I do MeO, I sit on my couch and try not to cross any limbs. You wanna be as relaxed and open as you can be in that situation + there is nothing you would want to add to the 5-MeO-DMT experience. It's enough by itself.

[LetTheNewDayBegin]

@Azrael I have two questions if you don't mind.

1) Do you feel also that you've awaken in the heart? Do you feel this open compassion kindeness that mahayana buddhists describe so well?

2) How would you describe your current relationship with your thoughts? Are they always gone or almost always gone? Could you give some comparisons?

 

[Azrael]

29 minutes ago, LetTheNewDayBegin said:

@Azrael I have two questions if you don't mind.

1) Do you feel also that you've awaken in the heart? Do you feel this open compassion kindeness that mahayana buddhists describe so well?

2) How would you describe your current relationship with your thoughts? Are they always gone or almost always gone? Could you give some comparisons?

1) No. In my experience that needs way longer then awakening the mind / gut. I would think that the awakening of the heart comes as an integration of the awakening of the mind and body after some time. But we'll see.

2) I have no relationship to my thoughts any more. That's the point. Normally, you have this little ball of resistance in your head that you call you. This thing has a relationship to all the thoughts. Also, you have a little ball of resistance in your abdomen / gut. This poor little thing has a relationship to your feelings and sensations.

When you awaken these balls of chronic muscular tension release, through that the attachment to these balls release and through that the dualistic relationship to your thoughts and feelings goes away.

That basically means that no one is "looking into my thoughts any more" to "listen to them" but they listen to themselves when needed or just do their thing. The volume of my thoughts in general went down a lot and I tend to act from intuition a lot more then from thoughts. I'll have instantaneous "ahas" to go to the toilet now, to do this then, to do that then. It doesn't need the thought "I gotta pee" any more.

I love my thoughts. I could've never guessed that I'll ever write this, but I do. My thoughts are completely crazy ... still ... and they make themselves laugh all the time. I still get fascinated with stuff if I want to and I can still fall into the deepest thought dreams like a little child. Maybe even more so now. But there is no element of fighting that any more. This is thing has integrated.

[Leo Gura]

@Azrael Have your farts stopped smelling, like Ekhart Tolle?

[Timotheus]

@Azrael How do you perceive yourself in others?

Edited June 9, 2017 by Timotheus

[lennart]

@Azrael

Wow that is very inspiring. Your discipline to do 1 hour sds is impressive. 

[Azrael]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Azrael Have your farts stopped smelling, like Ekhart Tolle?

@Leo Gura, they have a golden aura now around them. I also hover now instead of going. But, you know how it is ... 

[Nahm]

@Azrael Great sharing, thank you!

 

Chopping wood, carrying water huh?

 

 

 

[art]

@Azrael Very inspiring post my friend!  I guess, we're all waiting for the grand final step in your process of awakening:

What will your new spiritual awakened grand master name be?

I like where Azrael is coming from, we need some more role models from "the dark side" of the force. Darth Azrael would be even more appealing to mythology and mass culture. 

[Azrael]

3 hours ago, Timotheus said:

@Azrael How do you perceive yourself in others?

That's an interesting question.

Basically it feels like this. In the normal egoic state of un-integrated consciousness a great deal of energy is used to keep this ball of a self-image going. And also that awareness attaches to it. Because of that, when you see someone else it's completely clear that she is someone else, because the attachment is so focused on your own ball of self-image. It seems trivial.

When the attachment to the ball and the ball itself mostly dissolves there is nothing going on in you any more. The normal state of being is not focused in any way. It's empty. Thoughts maybe happening, emotions maybe happening but there is no one to make something out of that. There is simply no one there. It's like a still ocean.

As energy spontaneously forms a certain situation - like you are in a conversation with someone or you have a very deep thought story - awareness now perceives this dualistic situation and can normally function in it. You can have a completely normal talk with someone, be in that dualistic state and then as you leave the situation you fall back into emptiness. Into non-centered awareness. You are just not there then any more. It's hard do describe. Then maybe a thought story comes up and intensifies and you suddenly are back in this dualistic situation.

This is even happening to you because the "ego" is not perfect in holding itself up as this permanent thing. If you pay close attention, you come and go all of the time. When the ego integrates, you are gone until something pops up but there is no ball of self-image that is kept up all the time.

It's like a ocean in that waves can manifest. Small ones are not noticed but as they form into a big one, awareness will focus on that. The normal ocean of egocentric consciousness is always wavy and through that you think you are actually the wave, not the ocean.

Also, I can see very clearly that everything I perceive is a surface. It's like you could cut through reality and there would be endless nothingness underneath it. It's that thick. And because I see that I - my body - am just the same surface as the other stuff, it doesn't feel essentially different.

Very interesting is being in a conversation with others. I'm fascinated by the eyes. Especially how they move when the person thinks. If you look very closely, you can see all the waves in their heads. All the resistance. All the attachment.

[Azrael]

@art, haha. I think Azrael is a good fit.

[Be Yourself]

@Azrael Do you have the clear knowing that you were never born and will never die? 

[Bastian]

@Azrael Can you become what you are seeing (or hearing, feeling etc.) whenever you want? That's an hallmark of enlightenment according to Shinzen Young and other teachers. And if you can, how would you decribe that "process"?

Edited June 9, 2017 by Bastian