Trip Report And Some Insights

[phoenix666]

I don’t even know where to start with all of this. Just the thought of writing down what I went through seems so incredibly ridiculous and meaningless.

I do it anyway as a form of contemplation and sorting things out in my messy fucked up head.

 

I took 3g of dried shrooms in a tea. I was very excited and had also a bit of fear in the back of my mind. I tried to run from it, it felt like a very heavy pressure. Like it became physically present. Instead of sweeping it under the rug, I decided to face it rightaway.

Then everything became blurry and frantic. I stood up and started walking through the house. It was a very fast paced, possessed and almost maniac type of walking. Circling between the livingroom, the kitchen and my room, aimlessly. I felt like something was running after me and constantly watching me. I repeatedly heard knocking on the door, footsteps on the next floor. I felt observed and the constant urge to check my surroundings. Actually pretty much the definition of paranoid. 

I was scared to my bones. (Of What? That someone could see me being in such a state of madness? Of never coming back to normal again? What the fuck is normal?)

I talked to myself in the mirror: who am I? What is this? What am I doing? Where am I going? Is there somewhere to go? Am I going insane? What is insanity? Am I destined to be insane forever? I found myself asking WHAT THE FUCK? repeatedly. Nothing made sense anymore. Then I felt this very primal fear of being „different“, being labeled as „crazy“. And I felt crushed: does what others think about me still affect me so much?

But admitting this extreme fear of being a social outcast, as much as it hurt, as much it felt like I was physically and mentally going insane, was also a heavenly release which made me bend on my knees.

I don’t know why, but this bending on my knees seems to be a returning pattern in my trip. I often found myself on my knees, completely overwhelmed. Times crying out my pained soul, times laughing tears of joy. Which by the way merged into one ecstatic feeling. On my highest peaks sadness became joy, pain became sweet, my desperation became security and my deepest fear became absolute bliss.

I apologize for my report being frantic and hard to follow logically, but the thought of sorting everything and writing things down in a chronological order just seems so ridiculous to my eyes know. 

At the beginning of the trip I repeatedly looked at my watch, to check how long I was into it. I suddenly felt like a fucking slave to everything: my social obligations (friends, family), the educational system (my professors, my exams, my university), the society as a whole. I felt like I was choking on my time schedule. Like a pressure to DO things. All the time. This constant DOING and being productive (studying, training, even eating and washing myself) made me feel sick and submitted. Most of all I felt a slave to time itself. How silly! To let my life being dictated from something as ridiculous as a clock! I took my watch off and instantly felt freed up.

 I realized that I don’t do things for the sake of doing them. But for results. I want something from them, I am completely attached to my results like a baby to its fucking blanket. 

Just realizing how much of a slave to time, others and my own thoughts I am, made me feel so fucking good that I started rolling around on the pavement like a child. 

It was a constant cycle between searching, wanting, doing, possessing (so fucking painful!) and letting go, absolution and release (such a never ending bliss!)

I constantly wanted to write down what I was feeling. I wanted to take all my realizations (so many! they came flying at me like bullets, hitting me everywhere) and bring them to paper. But I failed again and again to label things. No words came to my mind. Absolutely impossible to describe. Then I realized that my need to label things and thoughts was actually destroying them! Taking the beauty out of the experience. (It felt like I finally understood the SPRACHKRISE/SPRACHSKEPSIS Rainer Maria Rilke, Hugo von Hoffmannsthal, Stephan George and Ludwig Wittgenstein where referring to. Better, I didn’t just understand it, I actually experienced that deep loss of words. Words, words, just words. Language completely failing to comprehend experience and BEING) I actually saw myself asking: you? you want to write those things down?  and then laughing my arse off of my sheer stupidity.

It was an absolute release. I also realized that I am neurotic and perfectionist. Always on the verge of doing, learning, grabbing, labeling. A constant struggle.

I need more of this being, just being. It feels so silly to write it down, it seems pathetic and childish, naiv. Everyone is saying just be, carpe diem, be in the moment, just breathe, let go. But no one really, I mean REALLY IS. (just me rightnow writing this down is destroying the sheer nature of being, I know..)

Everything in my mind was twisted. Thoughts became physical. I tried to get somewhere with my rational thinking, struggling with understanding. At one point I struggled with my web of beliefs (made out of „logic“) so much that I couldn’t handle it. I was choking on my oh so precious logic and rationality. It was an immense pain. But then I was on the verge…I let go of (thoughts, words, logic, rationality, sanity, knowledge) everything. I found myself rolling on the carpet, surrounded by bliss. I felt invincible. Like nothing could harm me because there simply was no one to harm. When I realized this, I found myself hugging a bucket on the floor, feeling very safe.

When I thought I was coming down from the trip, I felt calm. My mind was chaotic, fuzzy, whirling…but it was ok the way it was. I can live with chaos and not knowing.

I felt the urge to be outside, in nature. I went on the balcony, took in the bright sunshine, watched the trees moving in the wind. (it was a rather strange weather: hot, sunny, but also stormy.) The trees never looked so green and alive. The colors where saturated, bright. So beautiful. I felt strong. Something in me arouse, like a inherent power. (complete opposite of the fear I felt at the beginning of the trip) it sounds ridiculous, but I felt like a lioness. 

I started moving my body. Feeling into it. I don’t know if at that point I was still high or not. But I suddenly felt the urge to nourish my body. I ran into the kitchen and started eating fruits: hauled on the floor I ate them with my hands. I felt like a primate. They tasted so sweet, delicious. I was completely lost in the process of eating, like a raw experience of the taste and texture of the food. I had the image of a chimp in my mind. And I absolutely loved it. Then I started dancing. I don’t know if it actually deserves the term „dancing“: I was moving like an animal in the jungle, completely lost in a primal rhythm. It felt natural, just pouring out of me. I just didn’t care anymore at that point. The term which describes it best, is RAW. 

 

Well, there is still a lot to process in my mind. Writing it down already helped me a lot.

I already feel some 'sober' insights coming to me (where the fuck do they actually come from?):

I am neurotic and perfectionist. I constantly want to label everything. I am addicted to thoughts, knowledge and doing. I am a slave to time, schedule, work, and rationality.

I really need to just experience things for the sake of experiencing. Detach from results and wants. (the famous l’art pour l’art)

I often am uncomfortable in my own body (stiff and afraid of moving, rigid), live too much in my head and worry about others. I need to give this animal urge I have inside of me more freedom. It sounds so silly, but doing that chimp dance took me out of my mental prison (=thoughts).

 

If you came to this point, thanks for reading. Any thoughts? Similar experiences? I feel excited to elaborate all those insights.

[nightrider1435]

Very eye opening experience, I can relate to this as well. Don't beat yourself  up, remember that you are loved! 

[Leo Gura]

@phoenix666 Sounds like a great opening of the portal.

[AstralProjection]

@phoenix666

Thanks for sharing your experience. Your well on the road to great spiritual growth. Keep up the good work.

[phoenix666]

@AstralProjection @Leo Gura @nightrider1435

thank you very much for your kind words. I now have to integrate what I saw and felt behind the portal into my daily life, the hard part of the work.. But I feel very motivated. I now got a glimpse of what could be expecting me. I am planning on more meditation, self inquiry and also sharing my thoughts on this forum, as I feel that writing things down helps me sorting everything out. 

Edited June 5, 2017 by phoenix666

[AstralProjection]

21 minutes ago, phoenix666 said:

@AstralProjection @Leo Gura @nightrider1435

and also sharing my thoughts on this forum, as I feel that writing things down helps me sorting everything out. 

Yeah I find that typing out things really helps resolve problems and helps me see contradictions in my beliefs.