My 1st Sweeet Little Solo Retreat

[karli]

So I just came back from my first solo retreat. Just short to me: I begun watching Leos videos and meditation pretty exactly one year ago. I am still very new to the self-actualisation path but already got the taste of growth here and there. Also tasted some mushrooms. Right now I am solo travelling in latin america and had ever since I started the travel 4 months ago the idea to do a timeout from society, other people and distractions. Just nature and me (in my imagination something very romantic). Leos videos about his retreat and loneliness 2 weeks ago then gave me the last bit of motivation to set everything up and actually do it.

the set up:

• a hut in the jungle(next town is 5km away)
• water, rice, fruits for supply
• sleeping bag, tent, matress, mosquito net, tarpaulin, camping chair for special luxury
• clothes, towel, blanket
• cooking stove, knives, pot
• other important tools like insect repellent and a shutdown phone

That was pretty much it. Very minimalistic. I tried to remove as much potential distractions as possible. The plan was to stay at least 10 days and if more than even better. How my days looked like (in no order): formal meditation (I guess ca. 2 hours a day - didnt stopped time), walking when not raining, sitting in a chair, staring into the forest, cooking, eating, lying around...basically doing nothing all day, being extremely bored and confused of what to do with so much time.

 

Here to my experience: It was strange! I was expecting a lot of certain things, i.e. that I achieve a more effortless and mindful state of being. However reality proofed me wrong in its sharp and ruthless way. I ended up just staying 8 days, later more to this. 

In the beginning I had to deal with my stupid fears of horror creatures coming into this house and ripping my guts out. Every kind of panic thought processes. I saw a snake in the hut - "Oh what if it is poisenous, what if it attacks you, what if it gets its friends and kill me,...blabla". Also any sound that was not the "normal" jungle background triggered those stupid thought spirals. In those cases I just didn´t move and argued a little bit with myself or concentrated on my breathing. I tried to deal with my emotions and thoughts, I mean there was nothing else to do anyway^^. In the next days I got calmer about this and it didn´t make me sweat anymore. I was getting more silent in my overall moving, thinking - being. I was getting more mindful with its peak on day 5. But it felt strange. Not so happy like on mushrooms - of course because there was no sensational flash. But it felt like I was on very suddle drugs. Everything felt a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe it was the underlying loneliness that coloured my experience there. I don´t really know. I always had to remind myself that I was alone: "Look, you are alone!". I was going through different emotions, but it was no big deal, the usual suspects. They came and went. Sometimes I had to motivate myself through it with things like: "Go dude!", "That´s where it gets interesting.", "Here is where the growth happens.".

On day 5 then my friends visited me. I was getting very happy to see people and talk for 5 minutes. The difference between them and me was crazy. They were caught up in their structured conceptual minds. How they looked around and walked. They didn´t saw the things I saw. I was a lot more in the present moment. I could saw how they walked back to their car - they didn´t took the trail for what it is but as a way to get to the car and only for a way to get to the car. They also brought me a sandwich with sausage. I tasted it and it was a mixture of disgusting and delicious. On the 6th day I was in a morent contemplative mood. I had an important insight for me. It was very short: It was a deeper sense of understanding and compassion for all living creatures. I understood in this moment that everybody is giving his best all the time. The problem just is that nobody understands what really is the best. Nobody knows about his own inner structures, mechanics, functions and higher order principles. And from this point of view I developed compassion for everybody. I wasn´t able to be angry about anybody in this moment. For me this is crucial because I often judge people for what they obviously do wrong.

However the 7th day was very nasty and salty in mood. I was lying on the ground and thought: "Fuck you Leo. Why are you telling people to do this shit. This really is shit." I was instantly getting that I push the situation outwards and was blaming. I just laughed about myself - not in a mean and pathetic way but more in a loving one. The last two days it was raining all day so I couldn´t get out of my little house and was dying under the lack of movement. It really made me sour. In the evening I was getting into my tent and I saw that everything was full of mould. It was extremely disgusting. I was able to sleep outside and had big thought spirals about how the mould will kill me and I die just like Chris from Into the Wild. 

But I made it through the night with the hard plan to get to my friends house next day. In the morning I meditated and was calmer: "Ahh those shroomies are just a very big threshold guardian." I really wanted to sit this through and ordered my clothes. I realised everything was full of mould and I got fucked up by my brain again. It was really disgusting and I chose to leave the place. 

So I walked the way back to town but I couldn´t because it was high tide. How ironic with Into the Wild in my mind^^ However I walked another way 7km through the jungle barefoot and crazy about getting home. Ridiculous and a testing end for me but of course it was all fun if I look back from now. 

 

What I think I learned on this more serious step into Personal Development: I think there is a lot minor things but the most important one is this one: I know a lot less as I always think. There is a fucking lot to discover and I want to explore and learn it even more, even though I could feel that it will be a tonload of work. And I didn´t felt all comfortable with seeing that it is like an endless spiral going up. It´s actually exactly like going the other easy way; infinite. But yeah, the direction is clear. It showed me how far I am away from all this fancy crystal clear theory and ideals. Life really is muddy. 

 

I hope those information help you get off your ass and do a retreat on your own. You will see how good it is for you.

 

TL;DR: Do a solo retreat!

[sgn]

Nice.
 

Lol, after  I posted this I read you mentioned Into the wild.

Edited June 2, 2017 by sgn

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, karli said:

"Fuck you Leo. Why are you telling people to do this shit."

That's when you know you're doing it right

Good work!

I sometimes wonder the same thing, "Fuck, this is heavy... why am I telling people to do this shit?"

[cetus]

Embody the process unfolding. There is no deeper connection with life.