I Have Lost Myself, Is There A Way To Get It Back?

[Shubh_5S]

Hi,

I have lost is all. I have lost myself to that extent that I have started writing letters to myself for feeling disgusting about myself.
I have started to realize that I don't belong to this earth, I am just a dead weight that has no meaning to this life.

Things I have done that makes me feel awful about myself:

1. I introduced myself to marujwana, alcohol & cig.
2. I win a lot in gambling then don't have control and patience in myself then I loose it all.
3. 1 & 2 triggered schizophrenia in the year 2014. Somehow I recovered then started 1 & 2 again.
4. I started a business online selling on amazon & other marketplace, graph was increasing then a sharp fall due to 1 & 2.

I just want to live a purpose full life to achieve success, but I have started to believe that If I remain the same way, I would not be able to achieve anything rather destroy whatever is left with me.

I want to take the life purpose course aiming for getting my life back. I don't know when I will be able to afford it.
Sometimes I have mixed emotions, unable to express my self sad when I am sad I always smile whatever the condition becomes.

I know I am only the person who is responsible for all this losses. I will only have to do something for it.

But I am unable to find the room with the light that ignites me again. I am so blind even with the gifted eyes that I hate myself. 

Please be the one to throw some lights on me so that I can see again.

 

[Shubh_5S]

@Leo Gura

[AndreiC]

Hey,

We all have ups and downs my friend. It's part of life, there's not much there is to do but keep on keeping on. Shoot for better things, you've had some hard lessons to learn, make sure you get the nugget of wisdom these things bring. Now it's time to get back on track. 

There was this thread on the self-actualization section which I think may help you. Pay special attention to Salaam's story, that's one inspiring dude.

Chin up!

[Nahm]

@Shubh_5S if you meditate twice a day, it will slow things down for you and make it much easier to make choices with longer term thinking alignment.

[Shubh_5S]

@AndreiC & @Nahm
I have a diet plan and exercise plan. 
My first step is to loose 25 kgs in 6 months to reach 85 kgs to make my body stronger. In between I will again start meditating. With these two things I will work on my body and mind. If I become stronger wrt to body and mind, I wont attract negativity anymore. Today was the first day of this new beginning. If I successfully complete this goal, I will gain confidence in myself which I had lost. 

Thanks Guys for triggering positive thoughts in my mind.   

[egoeimai]

Hey. What diet plan ? 

[Nahm]

@Shubh_5S just a suggestion, but consider not putting conditions on feeling better too.  choose now to align with the notions inside u that have been ignored.   feel great that u have decided and feel great for the direction u have chosen.  the better it gets, the better it gets. you are already making an enormous difference.  meditate and allow all your thinking to go. it was only your thoughts in the first place.  

[Shubh_5S]

@egoeimai eat 4 times lite food in a day, at 8 AM,12 PM,4 PM, 8 PM. Which includes NO{Wheat ,Rice ,Ice Cream, Pizza, Burger, Soft Drink, Cheese, Chocolates, Packed Food, Coffee, Packed Juice} And Includes { Brown Bread, Ragi, Maize, Jowar, Bajra, Vegetables, Pulses, Dry Fruit, Fruits, Sprouts, Corn, Milk, Curd} in a scheduled manner. 
And in Exercise: Just 3-4 times / week 40 mins brisk walk or 20 mins swimming.

[Leo Gura]

@Shubh_5S I would recommend doing something like a solo journaling retreat. Isolate yourself for a week from all addictions and distractions and just sit there and be by yourself. Think things through. Get clear about what's going wrong in life and why you keep shooting yourself in the foot, and what you really want for yourself. Be kind to yourself but also try to kick your worst additions as soon as is reasonable.

Your goal now should be to relax and stabilize. Find your grounding. You can use personal development to fix all those issues, but you have to do it in a grounded way, with patience and a long time horizon.

[Shubh_5S]

My plan & my life purpose:

I want to lose weight first. Like there is a new year resolution, I have a pre new year resolution that by the end of this year 2017 I want to be a new Shubham who is more fit and strong then the present one. This will make me gain more true confidence and will also bring patience and certain qualities that I will need to achieve my passion. 
 

Secondly I want to be financially free. There should be a money cycle in my life. Like some online business or something whichever I will choose or dive in to. With the earnings I will fulfill my basic needs and responsibilities towards my family. Then with my savings I will dive into POKER. I know I have the talent and wisdom to play it. I just need to channelize with the right energy. I will never lend money with POKER winnings or never borrow money for playing it. I will fulfill my materialistic desires with my winnings and also donate a % of my winnings to some organizations that work for the welfare of a new education research whose aim will be to make people financially free by the age of 20.

I could find my passion only be doing solo journaling which @Leo Gura had suggested me. 
It was good experience. I even wrote a nice poem in between to support myself. I will also share that poem with the appropriate thread here.