The Ego, The Story The Past And The Future Always Win

[LRyan]

I haven't been posting or reading much on the site anymore.  I've forgotten who and what I am once again.  Suffering is my trustworthy friend that will not leave my side.  The sun is always shining behind the clouds but I have forgotten that there is even a sun.  I forget to meditate, I forget I exist only in the now, I forget I am not a mind or a body.  Everything I felt so sure of and happy about and peaceful with has become foreign to me.  I feel like a baby who doesn't know how to get up an walk.  I feel defeated and beat down by this incredibly painful human life.

Why are we here, really truly a reason for why we are here?  Does anyone know?  I don't know why I came here....but for only one possibility:    I believe I am here to suffer, to suffocate in a drama filled play that runs like a movie from sun up till sun down.  I am just a poor soul, an ignorant character who cannot dream myself out of the play.  Therefore I live a fake ,unhappy, heartless painful life where through my blind eyes, I see only suffering.  This is my story, I have a starring role in this play.  The character is cast in her role and the role demands to be acted out

All the many other plays going on at the same time that involve positivity, joy, hopefulness, excitement, purpose, meaning, love, intuition..........this play is full, the actors are cast and I cannot change my play and I cannot get into this nice play ...it seems too late.

I am an actress with a message of pain, suffering, stuck reliving past horror movies and tricked into projecting a new horror movie to go through the motions. Sometimes it looks as if I may get cast in a new role but in the end, that part is given away so someone more deserving of a good play and I am left to deal with my house of horrors movie.  The actress is very tired of this storyline, drama after drama after pain and suffering.

They will get you like they got me once again....EGO, Your Story, Your PAST, Your Future....they're coming hard for you, better learn how to deflect the crazies or disarm the crazies, or if you can...run away from the crazies.....They're coming back for you.  They will not leave you behind.  Some of the most dedicated and smart actors can drop their roles and quit the play...they don't need it for anything, they are free.  I say, RUN to them and never look back, truly run fast!

I am lost and I have not been found.   I will accept any lifeline that can pull me from the terror and lead me back on the golden path to self love and peace...

[alyra]

*points at you* there you are I found you! see? you are right here right now.

 

you are a mind, you are a body, you are suffering and you are bliss, you are your home and your family, you are your town your country the world you are the universe. you are I. you want to stop suffering - I suggest accept it, not in nihilistic glee no. but realise that you have coexisted with it before and yet you remain while it fades in and out of existence. so just allow it to be, notice it but as an observer. be patient with it, meditation at its core is just patience and attention. if you can't exercise that through meditation, practice it whenever you remember it. when you brush your teeth, wait for a meeting, in the moment. over time it will strengthen. 

[MattP]

I truly hope you can find that golden path. I understand how you feel. It is so frustrating trying to define your life purpose. Once you think you found it, then it's gone. Back to the beginning again. 

I wonder why other people keep getting the good roles, and you get the drama and horror? You mentioned that they might be more deserving. They are not. You do deserve good roles. You need to reprogram your mind to truly believe that you deserve peace, happiness, and love. Tell it to yourself.

Quit expecting bad things to happen. Maybe that is your comfort because that is all you know how to do, and you don't know how to accept good roles. I struggle with that myself. It's sick, but sometimes being a victim just feels good and right. It's not healthy though, for mind or body. 

Once you can forgive, accept, and love all aspects of "you" (even the negative parts) maybe you can get a part in a good play. I really like Leo's video on self acceptance.

Lastly, I think you should continue writing. I thought your post was very artistic, and I enjoyed reading it. I'm sorry for your struggles with life, and may you find your golden path.

[LRyan]

On 5/31/2017 at 10:52 PM, alyra said:

*points at you* there you are I found you! see? you are right here right now.

 

you are a mind, you are a body, you are suffering and you are bliss, you are your home and your family, you are your town your country the world you are the universe. you are I. you want to stop suffering - I suggest accept it, not in nihilistic glee no. but realise that you have coexisted with it before and yet you remain while it fades in and out of existence. so just allow it to be, notice it but as an observer. be patient with it, meditation at its core is just patience and attention. if you can't exercise that through meditation, practice it whenever you remember it. when you brush your teeth, wait for a meeting, in the moment. over time it will strengthen. 

Thank you... for reminding me of where I am.  I've been floating around in oblivion for too long again, not remembering our infinite nature and who, and what we are.

You are so right about acceptance, and mostly patience.  Why am I so impatient with the suffering part?  Always wanting it to be gone, not wanting to wait until it fades in and out....which it does eventually, so true.   When I am in the black hole, it feels like the only place I will ever be.  I do need to turn my attention to meditation, it's the first thing that goes when I feel bad but it's the only thing that seems to help when I realize I need to do something...anything.  Thanks for your kind heart <3

[LRyan]

21 hours ago, MattP said:

I truly hope you can find that golden path. I understand how you feel. It is so frustrating trying to define your life purpose. Once you think you found it, then it's gone. Back to the beginning again. 

I wonder why other people keep getting the good roles, and you get the drama and horror? You mentioned that they might be more deserving. They are not. You do deserve good roles. You need to reprogram your mind to truly believe that you deserve peace, happiness, and love. Tell it to yourself.

Quit expecting bad things to happen. Maybe that is your comfort because that is all you know how to do, and you don't know how to accept good roles. I struggle with that myself. It's sick, but sometimes being a victim just feels good and right. It's not healthy though, for mind or body. 

Once you can forgive, accept, and love all aspects of "you" (even the negative parts) maybe you can get a part in a good play. I really like Leo's video on self acceptance.

Lastly, I think you should continue writing. I thought your post was very artistic, and I enjoyed reading it. I'm sorry for your struggles with life, and may you find your golden path.

I appreciate your thoughts.  I hear what you are saying and I can read what you are trying say to me in words.  At a core level, I don't believe that I deserve to find peace, but I don't know why I have these thoughts.  I have had very good thoughts and have been aware of them and have been 1000% positive that things are just the way they are meant to be.  Somehow, the good that I see everywhere turns to bad and then the suffering hits very hard.  

I am now trying to re-program and go back to the very beginning and re-trace the steps that brought me to a place of peace and happiness but I can't find it right now.  You are very intuitive, I have been in a victim role for a very long time, perhaps, most of my life and it is my comfort place I guess.   I try very hard to feel better but bad things seem to happen all around me, I feel responsible that I am attracting it to me on some level.

If feels to me as if there are only so many good parts to go around and if everyone was in a good role, mostly content and happy...what kind of a play would it be?  Maybe I've been cast into this role to play a victim and a seeker who only has a tiny glimpse of heaven on earth.  

When I do deep self inquiry, I find at the core something that is unlovable.  I know it is deep rooted as it seems to almost touch my being.  I know it can't be part of my being but it feels like it is.  Most likely from a very difficult childhood where I was mistreated and abandoned emotionally.  

I should know better,..I do know better, I am a part of divinity but I can't make my mind believe it for long.  I am playing a perfect role as a being that has never experienced true happiness, not for lack of wanting it but maybe as you said, I don't know how to maintain a sense of happy or peace.  How can this be accomplished with so much pain and suffering in sight.  I don't know.  I am truly at a loss for how to get order back in the chaos of my life.

Thank you for your kind words my friend.

[alyra]

patience is certainly hard, I'm working on it myself. it's funny - i don't notice I'm growing either, I just think I'm stuck where I was. the changes are subtle but they're there and they accumulate.