Ashamed Of Facing My Past

[OnceMore]

I'm a failure. 

I'm about 4 years behind on where I should be in life. I should have gotten my degree by now, and should be in a career. I used to be healthy and in shape, now I'm completely out of shape and am unhealthy, and I definitely look unhealthy as well. I should have had at least some experience with the opposite sex, but I've had none. My mental health a few years ago was rock solid, but nowadays even the smallest thing can make me spiral towards darkness. Basically, I have NOTHING to show for the last few years, except for hurt and misery and disappointments. 

So recently I've had another failure.

And am now I'm returning back home in a few days. 

I don't want to show my face around my neighbourhood. This is going to be so, so painful to bear. 

Past friends who I no longer speak to still live in that neighbourhood right next to me, so I'll have to see them at some point. And they're all doing so well. They've got careers, getting married, and actually moving forward and progressing with their lives. 

Me? Well I'm just doing shit. 'Shit' is the perfect word for my situation, and is an apt description of me.

They're all doing so good, and I can barely get out of bed in the morning and brush my damn teeth. 

I don't want to own up to this. I don't want to go home and face the shame, the humiliation of failing so many times without any success. 

Im thinking of just finding my own place in another town/city, but this won't be good for me financially, and this is probably classed as running away from the issue. 

I just feel so horrible. I've completely let my younger self down. If he were here to see me now, he'd kill me in an instant. I've shamed myself. I've failed so many times. So many years wasted with nothing to show. This is the worst I've ever felt. 4 years wasted. Fuck.

How can I face all the people? All my family. All of my past friends who have been taking life on and killing it. This hurts. I'm so disappointed in myself. I want to just run away to another city. Everyone will look at me, meet me, and think "Wow, what on earth happened to him? He seemed like he had a good future and a lot of potential. Now he's just a bum". 

And it's true. I am a bum. I used to actually have a lot of potential. At one point, I was killing it. I was doing so well. And now I feel destroyed. 

It wasn't meant to be like this... 

Advice please, good people of actualized.org ...

Edited May 29, 2017 by OnceMore

[egoeimai]

You are negative. Stop that negative thinking with affirmations daily. What's done is done. Create your future from now on. Affirmations DAILY. Your.mind.is full of shit and.none.of this is true. You're beating yourself up and this won't bring the change. We learn things in life,we either win or learn. You learnt. Now is time to win.?

[OnceMore]

@egoeimai How do I win? I haven't won in years. My brain itself has probably lost the networks that were used for winning. It's been losing and losing for so long now, it's gotten used to it 

[PetarKa]

2 minutes ago, OnceMore said:

My brain itself has probably lost the networks that were used for winning. It's been losing and losing for so long now, it's gotten used to it.

This is pessimism at its finest. This kind of stuff is closing the doors before you've even started.

Stop that shit! You won't regret it. ?

[egoeimai]

9 minutes ago, OnceMore said:

@egoeimai How do I win? I haven't won in years. My brain itself has probably lost the networks that were used for winning. It's been losing and losing for so long now, it's gotten used to it 

Trust me.do this. I've suffered from this as well. It takes.time. 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, OnceMore said:

I'm a failure. 

I'm about 4 years behind on where I should be in life. I should have gotten my degree by now, and should be in a career. I used to be healthy and in shape, now I'm completely out of shape and am unhealthy, and I definitely look unhealthy as well. I should have had at least some experience with the opposite sex, but I've had none. My mental health a few years ago was rock solid, but nowadays even the smallest thing can make me spiral towards darkness. Basically, I have NOTHING to show for the last few years, except for hurt and misery and disappointments. 

So recently I've had another failure.

And am now I'm returning back home in a few days. 

I don't want to show my face around my neighbourhood. This is going to be so, so painful to bear. 

Past friends who I no longer speak to still live in that neighbourhood right next to me, so I'll have to see them at some point. And they're all doing so well. They've got careers, getting married, and actually moving forward and progressing with their lives. 

Me? Well I'm just doing shit. 'Shit' is the perfect word for my situation, and is an apt description of me.

They're all doing so good, and I can barely get out of bed in the morning and brush my damn teeth. 

I don't want to own up to this. I don't want to go home and face the shame, the humiliation of failing so many times without any success. 

Im thinking of just finding my own place in another town/city, but this won't be good for me financially, and this is probably classed as running away from the issue. 

I just feel so horrible. I've completely let my younger self down. If he were here to see me now, he'd kill me in an instant. I've shamed myself. I've failed so many times. So many years wasted with nothing to show. This is the worst I've ever felt. 4 years wasted. Fuck.

How can I face all the people? All my family. All of my past friends who have been taking life on and killing it. This hurts. I'm so disappointed in myself. I want to just run away to another city. Everyone will look at me, meet me, and think "Wow, what on earth happened to him? He seemed like he had a good future and a lot of potential. Now he's just a bum". 

And it's true. I am a bum. I used to actually have a lot of potential. At one point, I was killing it. I was doing so well. And now I feel destroyed. 

It wasn't meant to be like this... 

Advice please, good people of actualized.org ...

 

 

 

 

 

Basically, meditate the shit out of your free time.

 

[Visitor]

@OnceMore From your post it is obvious you are feeling a lot of shame. Lets look at that word.

Guilt is "I made a mistake and I won't do that again."

Shame is "I am a mistake so I can't change."

Shame comes from fear of changing a mistake and therefore repeating the mistake until one believes they are a mistake. 

First of all nobody is a mistake. The reason for not changing a mistake is the fear of changing. So whenever you feel shame you are actually feeling the byproduct of fearing to change.

You may find, like myself, many forms of fear towards changing. Perhaps the fear of success and added responsibilities, fear of failure and responsibilities, fear of judgement, fear of the unknown, etc. Any of these fears can stagnate a person.

To overcome them one has to acknowledge their fear, and instead of running away you need to face it head on (a new change). Most of the time, when you face it, fear runs away. Life is like a series of experiments, some of them will blow-up in your face, when most will work out okay. So it's okay if an experiment 'fails' to meet your expectations - just don't do that particular experiment again, but do something differently.

So ask yourself, and make a list, what you fear about change. Then act in faith that you can change it. Change it, and change yourself.

 

Edited May 29, 2017 by Visitor

[DoubleYou]

1 hour ago, Shin said:

Basically, meditate the shit out of your free time.

 

This. Also check out the latest video from Leo. Try to integrate a lot of these things into your life. It'll transform you. I promise.
Sounds like you need a fresh start dude, and the first step will have to be you accepting your current situation. It's the only way forward.

Edited May 29, 2017 by DoubleYou

[Shin]

 

Face every fears that is in your mind, this is the only way, you either trust in yourself now, or it might take years/decades of suffering to realize you have no choice.

You think 4 years wasted is a lot ?
Most people waste their all life, you still have the choice, appreciate this.

 

[Guest Annetta]

I am in the same place and pulling myself out of it slowly.  Try spending one hour each month towards positive goals and in a year things will feel different.

Depression is a mental illness.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.

[Annie]

@OnceMore  What happened that caused your life to turn around so dramatically? It probably didn't happen out of nothing over night but was a process. Something happened. What was it? First you have to know and understand how/when/why exactly things went wrong, then you can tackle the problem and try to fix it.

[OnceMore]

@Visitor Hmm. Are you saying that the 'new change I'm looking for' isn't so much new surroundings (I.e. A new city to go to), but a new change in my behaviour (not running this time. But facing)? 

Before I didn't think that I feared change. I welcomed it (I thought)

Now I'm not so sure. I think I welcome physical change, like new surroundings. But don't like I guess inner change where the emotions in me are going crazy with regret, jealousy, anger towards myself etc. 

[OnceMore]

@DoubleYou You think the fresh start in this case is not to just leave my home, but to properly face my past? 

[OnceMore]

@Annetta I feel ashamed because it shouldn't have been like this. 

I was meant to go on to do big things, I believed. 

[OnceMore]

@Annie I followed through on my purpose at that particular time. Did well. 

But I didnt push on to another purpose. And I've been looking for purpose for a long time now. I can't find it. Even did Leo's course. But I have no purpose and no drive anymore. It wasn't like this before. I used to have both purpose and drive but now they've left me. 

Im still looking 

[Guest Annetta]

@OnceMore Sometimes things happen that are out of our control, and it's a part of life.  Depression is tough, it's not an easy battle for anyone.  But the things that can make a person feel like they are down and at the lowest can bring about all sorts of amazing new possibilities.  Living a big life can be great, but living a kind life is also important.  And there is still time for you to do both, or anything really, that you would like to do.

[Prabhaker]

On 5/30/2017 at 0:07 AM, OnceMore said:

4 years wasted

You are lucky, you have wasted on 4 years and realized it. People waste their whole life, some after sex, some after money, some after fame ; when death comes they find they are empty, society has fooled them. Only few persons like Buddha die contented. 

On 5/30/2017 at 0:07 AM, OnceMore said:

 I should have had at least some experience with the opposite sex

Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, more than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Most of them have some experience with the opposite sex. Experience with the opposite sex doesn't necessarily end your miseries.

On 5/30/2017 at 0:07 AM, OnceMore said:

They've got careers, getting married, and actually moving forward and progressing with their lives. 

But you gave better opportunity to grow into a mediator. Unless you are frustrated with yourself, there is no possibility for transformation.

On 5/30/2017 at 0:07 AM, OnceMore said:

How can I face all the people? All my family. All of my past friends who have been taking life on and killing it.

They are searching happiness and contentment in wrong direction. After a long journey, they will find that they are empty inside, but they will pretend to be happy in front of others to hide their tears.

You find the source of blissfulness within you. Blissfulness which is not dependent on your circumstances. Find the knack of meditation.

[egoeimai]

Don't look for purpose. Live in the moment and you'll find it. You putter with negative thoughts and that's what just happened you don't have time for the changes to focus up on. Isn't that logical ? Spend your energy in what you want . There's no past to scratch and find problems to solve and Duck that all these are all bullshit if you do this you revive the past which means you revive the negative emotion (past regrets things you could've done better you can't win this game ...you see?we all do mistakes if we focus on the mistakes we lose more time ) ?

[hinawashi]

Everyone has their past, myself included, which we don't want to face. But it doesn't matter how you look at it, what's done is done, and there isn't a way to change the past. What you CAN change is your attitude towards it. Instead of being bitter and resentful, maybe you can just look back at your life like looking back down on your path and see how much you have grown since then. Maybe a lot of problems you had back then still aren't solved now, but at least you're making progess, because awareness alone is a sign of growth.

Instead of being ashamed, be grateful of your past.

[alyra]

16 hours ago, OnceMore said:

@Annetta I feel ashamed because it shouldn't have been like this. 

I was meant to go on to do big things, I believed. 

theres still time

16 hours ago, OnceMore said:

@Annie I followed through on my purpose at that particular time. Did well. 

But I didnt push on to another purpose. And I've been looking for purpose for a long time now. I can't find it. Even did Leo's course. But I have no purpose and no drive anymore. It wasn't like this before. I used to have both purpose and drive but now they've left me. 

Im still looking 

but if there is no purpose, we all still push forward. you still push forward. purpose helps but why need it? if there is no purpose, does that really make any real difference? dare to sit down and contemplate that. or walk, I like walks. 

 

there is reason for why you always keep going without any purpose. find that, because it is there. I have never felt like I have purpose, and yet I still wake up, get up, eat, and act.