Any Extreme Introverts Struggling With The Same Situation?

[7thLetter]

So I consider myself a very extreme introvert, been so my whole life, always quiet and reserved. After high school, (I'm 20) I've finally started to take responsibility and improve my personality and social skills. Been working at it as best as I can, I'm socializing with more people at work and also got myself involved with picking up girls. I also always put myself in different customer service workplaces. Now I've gotten to a point where I can make a good first impression on people and appear confident and social. So here I am, making a good first impression on these people at work, then as I work with them more often, I don't really care too much about investing in a conversation with them because I'd rather not talk mainly because I'm feeling exhausted that day. And because of the fact that I don't talk as much as I did from the start, they seem to think that I'm probably judging them. I'm not even a judgmental person to begin with, but I do feel this vibe off of them that they think I am. I also start to get people hating on me for this.

Any other extreme introverts dealing with the same situation or ever overcome it?

Edited February 16, 2016 by 7thLetter

[Ludwig]

I've been there. First recognize "extreme introvert" is just a lable, it has nothing to do with you. It's your perception of yourself due to the environment you are in. It's completely realtive.

The ONLY problem is that YOU are not comfortable with being silent, with being yourself. You might not be aware of this but your body and your energies instantely reflect it to you when you look at the other person. That gets your mind thinking and you know the rest of the story... 

Remember that people can be comfortable around you even if you don't say a single word - If you are so with yourself.

It's that simple but you have to invest some time in this. Do self-inquiry - Where is this believe coming from?, If i think this believe where do i feel it in my body?, When do i feel this way?, How often? etc.  -  meditate, ground yourself, become aware of your body, do yoga, whatever...

Once again, it's 100% YOU nobody else. 

[vizual]

Yes, I was in the same boat, and a lot of people are. 

The most powerful endeavor I took--apart from interacting more with people--was taking up more creative hobby's. Painting, drawing and writing mainly, I had a fear to put something on a blank paper. Surely whatever I put on a blank paper could never be interesting or good? The same principle goes for conversations, a lot of people are afraid to express themselves on a blank canvas called conversation. A lot of people are used to fill in preconceived forms, answer questions which society has learned you the answer to, do the things you are told. From a young age we get learned that you are a good boy if you listen to your elders, in school we get rewarded if we are quiet and fill in the right answers to the exam papers. Real life does not work that way, that is just the illusion of society. 

Doing more creative stuff helped me to deeply realize that I am a creator and there are no wrong answers as long as it comes from a place of authenticity. If you are honest in your interactions people will hate you and people will like you, the people who like you will really like you for you and that is where the pay off lies.

If you are really afraid of interaction one might start with using some techniques in the book How To Win Friends And Influence people, but only as a stepping stone to become comfortable for true genuine interaction and connection. As in all things, you start out with some techniques > you become proficient with those techniques > you become a master and forget all techniques.

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Hi,

I can relate to your problem of lacking intrest in converstations, I often experience that. You should try to cover it up by smiling and acting interested, but that is not a permanent solution of cause. In the long run you really need to become interested, and if they do not talk about stuff you are naturally interested in, focus your attention on your wish to be able to talk to them in the future. I do not try to remember every single detail in such conversations, but already try to frame the converstation into the image I have of that person and how this particular part fits into it. That opens up oportunities to actually talk to them in the future without always having to find new topics or talking about yourself (which is what introverts don't like, right?). If you do this you are interested in what they say and they will feel it, just not because of what they say (which they'd prefere, but wont notice the difference), but because of what you want to achive with this conversation.

Ultimatly your goal should be to switch from only active listening to talking as well. If somebody comes to you after an exhausting day and tells you about stuff that does not concern you, why not simply wait for a good moment and switch the topic to your exhaustion? Not to tell him to leave you alone, just to say something. Often times it helps to get a conversation started that actually does interest you to just tell the other person the state you're in (Answers you might receive: "Yeah, the boss was really mean the whole day!", "YES, this customer really IS a bitch!", "Really? I could help you with that tomorrow"). And don't worry, before you know it the other person will talk about herself again, that's just how people are, you wont be suddenly exposed with all your weaknesses or something like that.

Doing more creative stuff is also a good idea, not only does it give you more confidence, as stated by vizual, but also more innocent topics to talk about. You  need to share pieces of information about yourself, if you want to be a good conversationalist in usual small talk, hobbies are great for that. If you get to this point, just talking about small things in your life, you might already enjoy conversations. Most people enjoy talking about themselves the most, introverts don't share much information about themselves, so they often times do not enjoy conversations. It's a circular thing, sooner or later you need to talk a bit about yourself to have fun during conversations and for the sake of not leaving an awkward second (third,fourth,...) impression. Nobody expects you to talk about your early childhood the first time you meet, but after a few conversations at work they naturally feel inclined to some information about yourself. If you keep that from them, while they are trying to tell you about themselves, they somewhat have to think you judge them not trustworthy of you personal information.

I can, also like vizual, recommend "Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends and Influence People", it is a great book about the interaction of people and how these interactions are experienced by both sides. I read the book a while ago, and it helped me a lot, even though I never considered myself "bad with people", but there is always room for improvement. Like I said above, boring conversations where a problem for me some time ago.

Neither the title of the recommended book, nor my post should make you think this conversation stuff is all technical and bad people (like me?) try to use and influence people for their own advantage. It just helps to get started this way, in the end it should all flow naturally, be fun for all and of mutual benefit. But for it to work that way, everybody (you too) has to participate in it.

 

bye

paul

Edited February 16, 2016 by SmokeAndMirrors
grammar

[Guest]

@7thLetter I am an extreme introvert as well, and I know exactly what you are talking about. I know many people believe that it is just some conditioned shyness, but I subscribe to the notion that it is deeply rooted in our nature, at least for many of us, which is the accepted theory in psychology. It all has to do with how you recharge. We introverts are energized by our solitude and reticence, as I am sure you have noticed.

I used to force myself into extroversion, with brief periods of great success. I found, however, this was not sustainable, and I would often evoke negative reactions from others by returning to my natural state. Instead of a quiet person, I gave off the idea of a naturally outgoing person who was just too antisocial to make the effort to speak. 

As of now, I've come to believe the best way for introverts to manage in a predominantly extroverted world is to leverage their introvert traits to their advantage. We will make the best of our situation by working in harmony without particular strengths rather than trying to fight them to cater to the mainstream.

 Use your naturally inclinations for being analytical, a good listener, a calm person, etc.  Also, remember the vast majority of communication in non-verbal. You can make a great impression largely by working on the non-verbal aspects of communication-- in other words creating a great presence. Meditation and personal development should really help creating a peaceful, warm demeanor. Also, the verbal communication can also be tailored to your advantage as an introvert.

As introverts, we like to be very much in our heads and enjoy being thoughtful, solitary. This is a HUGE advantage if used well. All that time can be used to refine your skills in non-experiential manners. What extroverts gain through sheer experience, we can acquire through thinking and studying, often much more efficiently, as activities like reading expose you to a broader range of ideas, more eloquently communicated than do things like small talk. Studying the way humans operate, understanding psychology, different cultures, and various academic disciplines/ diverse literature will help you become a very versatile conversationalist, much more interesting than most extroverts. 

Extroverts have the advantage of feeling that conversation and socializing are the most natural thing to do, but we have our own strengths in our ability to use quiet productively, making the most out of our scarce conversation. Personally, I love being an introvert and having a whole arsenal of ideas and different perspectives in my conversation, even though I struggle with the natural flow. 

Now, it's important to note, even with all this to our advantage, we may still seem like comparatively poor conversationalists to extroverts, simply because of their immense experience and preference for the activity. However, this is no reason to despair. A hard working introvert can become a master of inner game (something I'm working on), and this creates that presence I alluded to earlier, to optimize the non-verbal communication, which makes you a much more desirable conversationalist.

 

[Naviy]

@7thLetter I used to consider myself an extreme introvert too.

I know, you were specifically asking about other thing, but please, read Susan Cain's "Quiet: The Power of Introverts", if you haven't yet. There is also a website http://www.quietrev.com/ and there is a TED Talk of her (but still, this is not much, comparing to the book):

It helped me to understand myself much better. Also, after reading the book, I started to feel myself much more aligned with my introverted character and much more satisfied with it. Reading this book was the starting point of changing my work. So, I think it is necessary for all people who consider themselves as introverts, to read such stuff.

[JeffR1]

@7thLetter Hi. Some really good tips and hints by other members. I too have felt the feeling of extreme introversion. It is something that you can overcome. I'm certainly by no means an extrovert now, though I feel more comfortable now talking with people. I can't say I know for sure what it is that I seemed to have shifted. It could be that I am older now. It could be the jobs I've had and the training I underwent. It could be the work I've been doing on self-development. I'm really not sure.

One thing that does stand out to me in your post is the following:

And because of the fact that I don't talk as much as I did from the start, they seem to think that I'm probably judging them.

This struck a chord with me, as it seems you may be caught up in what others are thinking about you. We can't read others' minds and we can't control others. Again, I've been there and done that - thinking I know what others are thinking!

May I suggest you consider the possibility of letting go of the outcomes of anything, letting go of any expectations you may have, and, letting go of the idea you could know what others are thinking. I now prefer to ascribe to the saying: 'What others think of me is none of my business '! Best wishes.

[7thLetter]

I'd love to hear more about what you guys think about this. I'm just having a tough time building a strong connection and comfort with people. One day I appear social and outgoing, then the next day all the comfort is gone and they probably think I'm not in a good mood or judging them. I tend to build better connections with people who are able to have intellectual conversations with me though.

[Nico]

There has been very good advice by everyone here. I feel you can apply the same concepts they have described about "being an introvert and becoming an extrovert" with the ability to build strong connections.

I am going through the same thing and trying to deal with the issue. For me, personally, there are times when I feel small talk is a waste of time and energy. I can be social in most situations if I put in the effort, but, just like you, there are times when I'm exhausted and become more reserved. I believe that having that genuine interest would help build stronger connections. Rather than striking up conversations only to become more social and outgoing, do it also because you're interested in having conversation with them. Not only will you find commonalities that build connections (such as interest in intellectual conversations), you will slowly desensitize the mental label that you are "introverted" and belief that conversations are a burden and are (excessively) energy-draining. It's a lot easier to connect with people with similar hobbies because there are common interests that intrigue you and naturally build a strong connection.

Being self-expressive takes away the feeling that conversation is forced and also detaches you from outcome. As stated above, detaching yourself from the outcome and becoming independent of other people's opinions allow you to be more authentic, comfortable around others, and comfortable with silence. It will probably get some people disliking you regardless, but at least you are being authentic to yourself (and filtering out negative people from your life).

The next time you feel exhausted and still can't form conversation, fully feel it instead of resisting it. If you feel anxious or worried about what others think, rather than thinking, "I should be outgoing. I should be making conversation. I should feel comfortable.", fully accept and embrace the emotions you're feeling. Feel the sensations in your body and be aware of your thinking, without judgement. Over time, the more mindful you are, the more you will feel comfortable and less you will feel negative emotions.