Performance/sexual Anxiety

[TBurg82]

I'm not sure if this has been covered before and if so please send me a link. though i didn't see one in the search. 

I just recently got a divorce and I am back in the dating game. However I have a serous issue with Performance anxiety. I have always had it, even with my ex we had to go through a period where things didn't work out for A while until i got comfortable enough' than it finally went away. I have been with 4 girls sense the divorce and every one of them i have had the issue of performance anxiety. Currently I have a girlfriend of 1 month. we are trying to work through it but it seams to be so hard to kick. Unless i take performance enhancement drugs i can't even get it up and when I do, its hard for me to finish. This is an embarrassing topic and it really sucks, because all i want to do is enjoy sex but i cant get out of my head. 

So here is my question, how many of you have experienced this? What helps? and do you have any input on my issue.  

[egoeimai]

How old are u 

[TBurg82]

36

[ajasatya]

@TBurg82 hello! i had the same problem. practicing yoga, zazen and biodance healed me. but it took a while. it requires patience and consistency. nothing else could heal me. i had to do it.

[TJ Reeves]

Get in better shape, meditate, and look into other forms of exercise as amazing ways to help. 

But you'll make the some of the biggest gains by focusing on the shadow side of your sexuality with a pen and paper. 

Your anxiety more than likely comes from deeply held shame and a recurring narrative regarding sexuality. Look into what narrative is being played out, such as "I have to perform like a fucking sex-god or else she won't like me" or "I don't look good enough naked" or "sex is bad" or "this is rape-y". 

Also, have you considered flipping the narrative of "I'm anxious" to "I'm excited?" I mean, examine the physical symptoms of seeing a significant other naked - the beating heart, the adrenaline, etc, and instead of saying "Oh no, I'm nervous, I gotta calm down!" say "goddamn this is exciting!". Studies show that the difference in interpretation of nerves is one of the biggest differences between people who excel at giving speeches and suck at giving speeches -- it also works for sex.

Regarding more practical matters, if I really, really can't get it up for whatever reason but I do want to have sex and I need to buy some time, I just eat my girls out until they cum a few more times. By the time they've cum 3 or 4 times, I'm rock hard and they're dying for me to fuck their brains out... No girl is going to get mad at you for going down on her longer. 

Edited May 29, 2017 by TJ Reeves

[Shin]

In the meantime, like TJ Reeves said, you could eat her way more than the usual, but you could also use toys on her.

If she's your girlfriend, she just want to have a great time with you, so she won't really care.
If she's a random girl, she most likely doesn't give a fuck about you and just want to get some orgasms, so she won't care too.

You could also learn some breathing technique, like breathing slowly from the mouth, it helps a lot.
You don't necessarily have to go slower while doing that, but at first don't beat yourself up if you're not as brutal as before.

@TBurg82 You can also continue to fuck her even if you've come, it's not that hard, it's all about willpower and how much you care about the girl.

Edited May 29, 2017 by Shin

[Sevi]

In any type of performance anxiety, in most of the cases, it comes from putting all the focus and the attention on the self. You judge yourself about what you have and what you can offer, by comparing it with your ideal image/expectations about whatever the case. To deflate this intensity and the pressure, simply we shift the focus into something else than the self. The other helpful thought is to think that you just are gonna present/demonstrate/share what you've got, free from your expectations about the response you're gonna get. You might have a very intense desire to be accepted and loved by a woman; but the thing is the only love you can be so sure about is just your own love to the other. Generally the more you feel you are excepted and welcomed, the anxiety level starts to drop, but it's important to remember that, it comes from the quality of the connection and the communication within the parties.

In this particular case, it is also important to remember that the other party is not male. This means a lot. I'm gonna use an analogy for this. In couple dancing, especially at the very beginning of their learning, males get so anxious to ask girls to dance and be capable of remembering the moves, using them in the right timing and also at the same time, leading the lady into her moves; and make her satisfied with it. So they start to think about what 'they' know, 'how much'moves they know, how 'they' are  gonna 'control' the whole situation.. Where what women care is if they are gonna be asked by any gentlemen to dance, if the man looks at her while they dance and if he looks like he appreciates her, that's it. Women don't care almost any aspects that men consider important. And this difference about expectations from the situations, generally remains the same.

When I teach couples to dance together, the guy gets so happy doing every single aspect right and then looks at his partner's eyes to receive some appreciation, then the lady gets so frustrated because he was just focusing on the moves and the 'achievement' but not 'her' ?. She is kind of right in her sense too, because all she wants to have him look into her eyes and hold her firm and tight, and sense that 'she is' the center of his attention; they really don't care if the 45°rotation of the medio corte was right?

I hope this helps a bit to shift your mindset to be comfortably on the flow with your partner and let go of the unnecessary pressure.

Lastly, as @TJ Reeves  mentions, the interpretation of your sensations, or your neurological feedback from your body is a game changer too. Meaning: there is an experiment within two groups: one group is being educated that stress is not a bad or unhealthy thing, they learn about its gains and stuff; they learn the positive and helpful effect of nervousness in life; while the other group interprets stress and anxiety as a 'bad' thing; expected-ly, the first group's anatomy and bodily responses become way more healthier than the other group.

[Guest Annetta]

I dont have any advice but i relate to feeling anxious, you arent alone in those feelings, and  i hope you feel more confident! ❤ good luck dude!

[sheenp24]

@TBurg82I agree with @TJ Reeves getting in better shape will not only boost your confidence, it promotes good cardiovascular health! Increased circulation is very important for sexual health; exercise will also boost testosterone levels an help boost your libido! Eat foods like avocados, strawberries, and almonds to also aid with arousal. Be careful with eating too much fast foods because a lot of them can slow down blood circulation to the body and that the last thing the little man downstairs need. I always try to focus on the lady initially, and make sure she is satisfied before I think about myself. Keep in mind that women are a lot different from us, and a lot of what constitutes to their pleasure has a lot to do with their emotional side, so don't forget that. Sincerely satisfy her emotional side and things will get a lot easier! Working on confidence is key. Good luck man! 

[Nahm]

@TBurg82 mental resistance and physical resistance are the same thing. Get in better shape, meditate to let go of your stressful thoughts, eat better, lose wieght. Don't procrastinate further by pretending this is caused by outside forces beyond your control. With love.

[Michael569]

@TBurg82 this was the beginning of my relationship 6 years ago. And it prevailed for a long time. 

Give it time, this is perfectly natural for a shy, introverted individual but even extroverts. We care about our partners so much that by fearing we disappoint their expectations, we completely block our natural flow of energy..resulting in things such as you described. Partnership needs time, before the chemistry is stronger, before you develop mutual trust, friendship and deep passion for each other. Don't ever rely on drugs. It will backfire terribly on you, screwing you up beyond repair. Learn to use all your senses and have a really god foreplay, don't go straight for the best. Make sure your partner is satisfied at least twice before you even think about penetration. 

However as said above, in case you are overweight and unfit, look into an exercise routine and your nutrition. Salty, fatty and sugary foods kill your libido. Avoid staying up late night and over-masturbation 

[Armand]

@TBurg82 Ginseng and zinc? I've never had ed but I've heard my buddies talk about it. That's all I remember of that conversation. I agree with the others on working out. It helps the blood flowww.

[Kimasxi]

I also have this anxiety, but I am a female.
I cut off my emotions flow because I am afraid of losing control. And then they just dissipate and I feel nothing.
I don't want to wait till someone falls in love and is determined to heal me because I´m 27 and it has never happened so far. Guys are impatient, they do not wait till an afraid woman makes her mind, they go to another girl that is open. This is how my reality operates. So now I want to prepare a plan of dealing with it on my own. What do I do? I have a really bad time in communicating my emotions to people, I am probably afraid I will be judged. I actually have to initiate sexual contact on my own. Cause this may feel safer for me (I won't be the intruded upon one that has to protect herself). My problem is that when I do that 

- the guy will have expectations that I am a functional woman who just can have sex without any problem, and I feel shamed to tell him I´m dysfunctional and needing help.
- I will feel fear of 1. being judged (even though nobody can see, it's internalized), 2. that my body will fail me again and I will stop feeling and then I will judge myself as a failure

What are the baby steps I can do while being the initiator?

[Kimasxi]

7 hours ago, Morrtiz said:

@Kimasxi What is your diet like?

Crazy question I know! 

But some foods can cause anxiety problems

I have a sweet tooth, but I also like diery products and fruit, almost no meat.

But I've had this anxiety all my life (I´m 27), my diet was probably different, so I doubt it influences my reactions. For example, I did not use to drink coffee at all.