Guilt And Self-forgiveness

[Utopian]

Hi to all of you! 

I've been on my path to enlightenment for a few months. I'm struggling with anxiety, fear, low energy and in general bad feelings for years. Also I suffer from chronic muscle pains all over my body. I started seeing a therapist and lately a reiki master and they already helped a lot. During my last session with the therapist, after going in deep guided meditation, I came to the conclusion that all my pain comes from something I did many years ago. Something that I'm really ashamed of, something that might hurt emotionally  a member of my family forever. I think that finally I discovered the source of my suffering. During the meditation I felt the pain like a burden on my back, which hurts a lot lately. Most likely it's the guilt that I tried to shove deep inside for a long time, and my body reacts with all this pain. I know that my therapist will definitely help me get rid of it, like she did with other traumas of the past but I would also like some advice what to do, like what to read, what meditation I should do etc. I'm doing meditation consistently for 5 months now, and that helps a lot along with the therapies I'm taking. I've tried many types of meditation, depending on how I feel each day. I'm looking for information on how to get rid of the burden. I've already watched Leo's video of how to let go of the past and it helped me but I would like to work more specifically with that issue. All this time I feel like I'm trapped and I want to exhaust everything I got in order to live normally again.

I thank you all in advance especially Leo for his amazing videos that already changed my life.

English is not my mother tongue so excuse me. 

[faith]

No worries my friend, your English is perfect!

As far as your dilemma, please do yourself a favour and stop thinking that somewhere out there is an answer that you will read and go, "Aha!!!! Everything makes sense now!!!" There is no such thing. I've been looking and looking, and now that I am finally not looking, I will tell you the ultimate secret to self-forgiveness and pain release - patience. 

You don't need any help. All you need is to keep doing what you have already started. Do your meditation. By the way, there is no such thing as different types of meditation. It's all the same thing. It's all about acceptance. 

Answers won't come right away. In fact, I've been doing meditation for 2 years, and the first year you won't get the kind of pain release you're looking for. You may not even get it in your second or third year, depending on the severity of your case. The point is to have absolute faith in this process. Put all your money on the table and say, "Meditation is all there is." 

So to answer your question: Keep on going, my friend <3

[Dantas]

A great topic, thanks. I was looking for it.

At this point the greatest challanges for me are ego crashes or false starts, if i can put it this way. This means I have some beautiful insight or experience which ends up gone. Then I'm right were I started.

I backslide a great deal, especially when my meditations are getting deeper, or getting back to normal after a spiritual "high" (compassionate reasoning and relating to others as you relate to your self, deeper insights and etc); About A year ago I decided to not take action when I sense homeostasis, but rather follow the advice on how to deal with strong negative emotions, not particularly on strong negative emotions, but all emotions, as much as I can and especially on thinking about homeostasis.

It seems, in time, it gets better because you can think of it this way - it's a ton of mindfulness work and labeling that you're doing both in and outside of meditation, and it grounds itself really nicely, just as the homeostasis does. You can become more conscious of homeostasis and the stuff you feel as old patterns come about.  

Still I'm not perfect at it and sometimes I do crash and freak out or even cry. But it's not much of a problem anymore. It's often just a wrong expectation & I'm usually back on track the next day, better than ever

And yes, always forgive yourself. 

Just notice how you're already headed in the right way and keep at it, one foot in front of the other.

Edited May 25, 2017 by Dantas

[MattP]

It's great that you are seeking help and taking measures to conquer the demon within you. You must have done something that is not aligned with the values you were raised with. That is where the guilt comes in. The problem is, If you continue to live in guilt, you can never be healthy or happy. When you live in guilt, you live a life of self punishment. Because of what you did, you feel like you don't deserve to be happy, healthy, successful, content, loved, or anything else "good." you must apologise to the person you hurt, (if possible.) Don't expect them to forgive you, because they may not. It doesn't matter; do your part. Once you have forgiven them, forgive yourself. Because after all, you are human. You do deserve to be happy, healthy, loved, and everything else. Right now, you are in hell. Is that where you are comfortable? Where you belong? Where you deserve to be? Maybe it is, and that's ok for now. But how is living like that going to benefit you? You made a mistake, now make a vow to never ever do it again, and show the world all of the good things you have to offer it. It's time for you to move on. Accept every part of youself, even the worst parts of yourself. If you can do this, you can be free.

 

[sgn]

Hi! What a coincidence. Yesterday I bought a book about self-forgiveness that I started working with. Maybe that can be of value. There are several out there on the subject. Here's the one I got: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Forgiveness-Handbook-Thom-Rutledge-ebook/dp/B00VZOXB9C

Edited May 25, 2017 by sgn

[Utopian]

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I know it takes time to heal, even though sometimes it becomes unbearable because I have this burden for years and I keep suffering without knowing what it is. After doing all this work so far, even during dark days, I'm sure that there's light ahead. Saying sorry for something that you did before 15 years, is a hard fight with ego. Hopefully my higher self will win!  

[Utopian]

@sgn Thanks for the suggestion! I will look it up!

[egoeimai]

What have you done mister greek yogurt? 

Lmaoooo? 

[Utopian]

@egoeimai Classic greek!