Meditation Journal

[Mondsee]

Day 45

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 12:20 a.m.

Finish time: 12:35 a.m.

Location: Room at my old flat

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Slow pace of thoughts. Had many insights on ideas for presents and also a profound feeling of appreciation for a friend of mine who had never seemed so valuable to me.

[Mondsee]

Day 46

 

Days in a row: 3

Start time: 9:15 a.m.

Finish time: 9:30 a.m.

Location: Room at my old flat

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open

Highlights: Nonstopping monkey-mind. Thoughts about career, sex, past relationships and strategic plan on when to try psychedelics for the first time.

[Mondsee]

Day 47

 

Days in a row: 4

Start time: 8:05 a.m.

Finish time: 8:20 a.m.

Location: Room at my old flat

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Nonstopping monkey-mind, again. Thoughts about, sex, friendships and an interest moment of observation of my emotions, which at the moment include some minor worries and stress, but I felt them as if they were 100% part of me, of the body, and as if they were something impossible to separate from.

[Mondsee]

Day 48

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 6:30 a.m.

Finish time: 7:00 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: 

 

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I very clearly recognized how I am reality, but I returned to my body again and again, losing awareness of the external reality. Because I let my mind free, it did start wandering around monkey-mind-world quite frenetically at times. In any case, I was extremely relaxed through this meditation, and I didn't even notice my left leg numbing, not because I wasn't aware of the sensation, but because it wasn't uncomfortable in any way.

I am going to repeat this meditation during the next days to report any changes in the experience.

[Mondsee]

Day 49

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 7:50 a.m.

Finish time: 8:10 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Today I felt my ego much more present than yesterday with a bigger resistance to surrendering. I felt worry because I somehow wasn't doing the practice right and I felt as if I needed a lot of effort to "get it right". When I got in touch with the external sensations, those didn't feel like part of me but like very clear separated things out there. At short moments they started integrating, but I lost touch with it again. When the part came where Leo said that if we can't let go of resistance, we should allow that resistance to be, then I felt my ego subtly disagreeing with that as a possibility, and creating the sensation that it couldn't allow the resistance to be there (as if it could do otherwise). This was really a very hidden thing, but valuable to see how the ego operates. Also when Leo said that there is nothing to care about, my mind kind of shout internally "I don't care about anything" but that felt so vividly like an ironic meme, saying you don't care about anything, when actually you care way too much. That was also an insight from this session, because I could see how that happens recurrently in my life. My mind lies to itself to survive in its web of stories and beliefs. I didn't feel as relaxed and connected with reality as I did yesterday, but somehow I have the feeling that I got more insight from today's session than yesterday.

[Mondsee]

Day 50

 

Days in a row: 3

Start time: 7:10 a.m.

Finish time: 7:30 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Today I could perfectly understand Leo's words during the guided meditation, not theoretically, but literally, I wasn't understanding it in my mind, but I was simultaneously proving to myself that it was true. Every single thing I was perceiving was me: my body, the beating of my heart, the birds singing, the sound of the cars passing by and Leo's voice. The phrase "you are everything, because what else could you be?" came suddenly to me as a spontaneous insight. I understood I am the body as well as all of what is perceived by it, and I am those things as much as I am the body. At some point my head felt as a huge sphere of space where all of reality fit in. The sound of the birds where in there, the sound of the cars, Leo's voice and the itching in my foot. It all fits in there, it is huge, it can expand with no limits.

[Mondsee]

Day 51

 

Days in a row: 4

Start time: 7:15 a.m.

Finish time: 7:35 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Today I had many mental images flowing, some of which didn't make sense at all, but I realized those images are myself too, and I also noticed I couldn't do anything else but allow them to be there. Again, the source of all external sensations where myself. The birds, the cars, the bells of the church, (and Leo's voice) none of that was far away, it was coming out of me. Same for the light through my eyelids, it wasn't far away, it was my very self. Briefly I understood why we're all the same. We are all the source of everything, for a moment I could notice that very clearly: reality is coming out of everyone of us (because where else could it come from?), and that's why we're all the same, we're all reality.

Edited September 10, 2017 by Mondsee
day count

[Mondsee]

Day 52

 

Days in a row: 5

Start time: 9:05 a.m.

Finish time: 9:25 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: "Awareness is always aware". During the last moments of the meditation, I realized awareness is always aware and there is no way to change that, awareness is aware, and that is what is. We may or may not ignore that, but that doesn't change anything. I felt as if I was navigating a black space where all external feelings where flying by around me, but in a sense, I was the black space including all those things, because, (again) what else could I be?

[Mondsee]

Day 53

 

Days in a row: 6

Start time: 7:55 a.m.

Finish time: 8:15 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I am space of awareness, and of course I am everything, because everything exists in the space of awareness. Today I was really really curious about what is outside that space of awareness that is me, today it didn't feel endless, it felt as a bubble with clear limits, where everything in my awareness exists, but... what is out of that space of awareness? Then Leo said: "notice that there is nowhere to go... there is nowhere else for you to be than right here... where can reality run to from itself? nowhere. Reality is everything that is occurring, there is nowhere to run". I could understand that for some moments, realizing that whatever isn't in awareness doesn't exist, but then I questioned it again, I understood it again, and then I questioned it again. It felt as a healing process, it needs to be questioned and understood a couple more times. I had some moments of intense distracting monkey-mind, but that too, felt as part of reality, and then I started questioning how is the barking of the dogs outside, the singing of the birds and the voices of the children playing more real than the sound of that spoon moving in a pot that I just imagined? What is the difference? Both are just as real, exactly equally real.

[Mondsee]

Day 54

 

Days in a row: 7

Start time: 9:50 a.m.

Finish time: 10:10 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Extremely distracted, superficial meditation with lots of monkey mind jumping from worries to ideas, to things I got to do, to fantasies and so on. I let the monkey mind be, but I guess I had a background desire for it to get still already, and that desire remained there for the entire time. No new insights, and a strong ego discourse saying this practice won't bring me anywhere.

[Mondsee]

Day 55

 

Days in a row: 8

Start time: 7:35 a.m.

Finish time: 7:55 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I was so distracted that at moments I was completely absorbed in my thoughts, and then suddenly I would remember that I was doing the guided meditation, then do an effort to try to follow Leo's words, but soon enough, I'd be absorbed in thought again. It was until the very end that I realized, no matter how distracted I am, I can't avoid awareness. No matter how hard I try, and how many things my ego invents as distractions, awareness can never be avoided, it is always there.

[Mondsee]

Day 55

 

Days in a row: 9

Start time: 7:35 p.m.

Finish time: 7:55 p.m.

Location: Balcony at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Today when I woke up I didn't feel like doing yoga and meditation, as I usually do, but I didn't want not to do it, so I just stayed lying on my bed for a long time, reading tweets. It got really late, and then I already had things to do instead of doing yoga and meditating, so I just skipped it. When my house finally calmed down (some workers were here repairing the floor) I decided to meditate already. I went out to the balcony, and closed my eyes. During the guided meditation the mosquitos (of which we have PLENTY in here) ate me alive. I could feel them biting me deeply, but I didn't move, I managed to just accept it as part of reality. It was funny how more or less at the end my arm suddenly moved the way the muscles of some animals move unconsciously, precisely to avoid insects biting them. Well the same happened to my left arm when I felt a mosquito starting to bite me again, I felt like a horse. At a short moment I forgot exactly where I had sat down, so I felt as if I was floating in nothingness. I may start looking for meditation spots that I don't identify very well to recreate that feeling of the world outside disappearing. 

[Mondsee]

Day 56

 

Days in a row: 10

Start time: 10:50 a.m.

Finish time: 11:00 a.m.

Location: Balcony at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: For some moments, the world actually disappeared for me. The only things that existed were the barking of a dog (not the dog, just the barking), the sound of a truck (again, not the truck itself), the feeling of my body (without my body) and the sensation of the wind. Thoughts also existed, and stopped for somewhat longer periods of time than in the past occasions. Maybe I'll start meditating again without the guided meditation to be able to savor that even more.

[Mondsee]

Day 57

 

Days in a row: 11

Start time: 2:00 p.m.

Finish time: 2:20 p.m.

Location: Balcony at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Today I really felt uncomfortable, since I decided to meditate outside, but it is a really hot day, so I started sweating, and I wanted to change my position, but just at the right moment, Leo talked about letting even the unpleasant sensations be, and also our resistance towards them. I could not let go of my desire to move and get rid of the itching of my sweat, but at the same time, it was ok for that resistance to be there. My ego started looking for something that wasn't right, but everything was ok, just the way it was.

[Mondsee]

Day 58

 

Days in a row: 12

Start time: 7:45 a.m.

Finish time: 8:05 a.m.

Location: Balcony at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I felt as if today was the first time in my entire life I sat down to meditate. I had non-stopping monkey mind and worries about things on my to-do list, and deadlines coming up again and again. I didn't feel in touch with anything around me, which was all separated. The dog barking was a dog barking, the birds singing were birds singing, the children playing were children playing. All of that had nothing to do with me and my important worries.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Mondsee

[Mondsee]

Day 59

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 5:30 p.m.

Finish time: 5:50 p.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Leo's Guided Meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I know Leo says one should sit upright and not lay down for a meditation, but I decided to lay down today to see how the experience was. Of course I almost fell asleep, which is exactly what we are supposed to avoid by sitting instead of laying down. Lesson learned.

[Mondsee]

Day 60

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 9:05 a.m.

Finish time: 9:25 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: My awareness levels were very down, and I felt locked in my head having thoughts about the past and daydreaming about the future. It had to do mostly with past relationships.

[Mondsee]

Day 61

 

Days in a row: 3

Start time: 10:50 a.m.

Finish time: 11:10 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Mindfulness meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: After watching this video shared by @Space, I got the idea from Shinzen Young of imagining awareness as an arrow. I sat down, closed my eyes and immediately noticed it isn't that easy. My arrow was moving all over the place, not knowing exactly where to start and where to point to. It moved and moved kind of drawing an area trying to cover it all, sometimes it split into two, but I forced it to become one again. It was interesting to see how for a moment it was pointing to a sound (area of sound), but it was coming from the left side of my ribs. That was the place where it felt best, not my ears or close to my head. It was also cool to see how at a given moment in which my heart beating was in my awareness, the arrow disappeared. It tried to point to the heart, but didn't know where to start, so it disappeared completely. I want to play around more with this, it certainly can bring to cool insights.

[Mondsee]

Day 62

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 9:00 a.m.

Finish time: 9:15 a.m.

Location: Room at my parent's house

Technique: Shinzen Young's mindfulness meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: short meditation using the "awareness-as-an-arrow" technique. It is not easy to point with awareness-arrow the stimuli reaching me. Sometimes the arrows become several arrows for different things, sometimes they are bigger, smaller and even change colors and (imaginary)consistency, but it is hard to locate them somewhere. I lost concentration for a short moment, going inside my head and getting lost in thoughts, but re-gained focus, and kept pointing sensations through the end.

[Mondsee]

Day 63

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 8:00 a.m.

Finish time: 8:25 a.m.

Location: Balcony at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open at the beginning, closed towards the end

Highlights: I intended to do a mindfulness meditation, but my thoughts were too active for that, and I just decided to let go and switch to a "do nothing" mode. I felt like a rollercoaster, literally, there was so much activity, so many things were moving in and around me, and it was a mixture of fear/worry and fun. Above all, I had memories about the past, relationships and friends.