Meditation Journal

[Mondsee]

Day 11

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 11:50 a.m. (aprox)

Finish time: 12:15 p.m. (aprox.)

Location: Room at my father's apartment

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: This meditation felt unending, I asked myself for a long time when it was coming to an end, and I had to resist the urge multiple times to see ir I really had set the alarm on my phone. I felt really tired, maybe because I had previously just meditated + done some yoga, but I did not fell asleep. I moved much more than on an average session, readjusting my hands, my legs and my neck.

[Mondsee]

Day 12

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 8:00 a.m. (aprox.)

Finish time: 8:30 a.m. (aprox.)

Location: Bus on the way to the university

Technique: Mindfulness meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: After days of finding amazing excuses for skipping meditation, I decided to try to meditate on the bus that I take to the university. I did sit cross-legged, I closed my eyes, and in order to push myself to focus, I tried to do a mindfulness meditation. First I focused on my breath, then on the bus movements and finally on a very repetitive song. It was very hard not to daydream, as I am used to sleep in the bus and having the eyes closed, it was easy to be on the edge between falling asleep and not. It didn't feel like a serious meditation session and I was interrupted once, as one guy came and sat next to me.

[Mondsee]

I have decided to make also an entry if I skip my meditation, so that I have a record and I am aware that I'm doing it, otherwise suddenly it's been more than a week, and I don't even notice.

If someone is reading this, please give me a hard time about my lack of commitment. I'm not getting anywhere with this on and off.

[Empty]

@Mondsee Why do you find it hard to keep on track with your meditation practice?!

[Mondsee]

Day 12

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 6:45 p.m. (aprox.)

Finish time: 7:10 p.m. (aprox.)

Location: Room at my father's appartment

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I sat in half lotus and hands in dharmadhatu-mudra. At first I couldn't fully relax my body, partly because I was sensing that my father would call me for something at any moment. After about 4 minutes, he did. I answered and after that I felt almost relieved. I started again doing some breathings and relaxing my body, then I let my mind free. First I could almost see how it was telling itself what to do "just observe" and similar things, but then after the idea of just letting go really sinked in, my first thoughts were about sex. After a short time my mind started wandering about many other things including about people I've met recently and how I don't find anyone attractive.

[Mondsee]

Day 13

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 7:00 p.m.

Finish time: 7:22 p.m.

Location: Room at my father's appartment

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open at first, half-closed at the end

Highlights: After a 40 min. session of yoga nidra, I sat in half lotus, hands in dharmadhatu-mudra, and felt extremely well alienated. As I set my timer on my cell phone, as I always do, I forgot to turn on the non disturbing mode. A couple of minutes into the meditation, my father started calling to my phone. In total he called 7 times, 5 at first, and 2 more near the end. The vibration of my phone next to me was distracting, but I did not answer and this time I could notice the strain of thoughts and feelings as something uncontrollable and external hitting into me. That was really interesting.

Edited July 3, 2017 by Mondsee
adding info

[Mondsee]

On 29/6/2017 at 7:23 PM, Empty said:

@Mondsee Why do you find it hard to keep on track with your meditation practice?!

Currently because my schedule is quite full and I don't find time to meditate, and when I could I'm absolutely exhausted and I prefer to sleep or do some low quality activity that doesn't require much focus, like scrolling down my twitter feed.

[Empty]

@Mondsee I see. 

 

It's very hard and takes time to build a conscious life. Maybe, you should start to build a conscious lifestyle. Try ahead to live in a rural, isolated place, where there is no disctraction. Strategize NOW. Life is so precious.  

[Mondsee]

Day 14

(although this maybe shouldn't count as an entire meditation session)

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 10:25 p.m.

Finish time: 10:35 p.m.

Location: Living room at my father's appartment

Technique: Understanding awareness 

 

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I decided to repeat the exercise Leo  guides us through at the end of this video in an effort to refresh my memory on how to raise awareness. I have been struggling lately on finding time to meditate, and I thought I could practice some awareness while in the bus on the way to school. Maybe because it's late and I'm tired, in one occasion, between the focus on one thing and the other, I got distracted and started dreaming, as in dreaming when you're asleep, the rest was really interesting and I could focus very good on the sensations that Leo pointed to.

[Mondsee]

Day 15

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 7:30 a.m. (aprox.)

Finish time: 7:45 a.m. (aprox)

Location: Room at my father's appartment

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I sat on a little carpet on the floor, not my yoga mat as I always do, because I left that one at school yesterday. I was wearing my pijamas and when I sat in half lotus, my right feet kept sliding off of my left thigh because of the soft fabric of my pants. I decided to take them off, and I was able to hold the posture much easier. I covered my legs with my pants in order to keep warm, and had my hands on top in dharmadhatu-mudra.

At first my mind started to wander around different parts of my body. At some point it became quite clear to me that my body in that moment was two things: an image in my mind, and some feelings. It became more interesting when as I kept visiting different parts of my body, those parts became sort of painted, (in an undefined color) while the others disappeared. It was easy for me to notice how when you put attention to one thing, that thing exists (it was painted), then the part I had visited last was still "painted" but already vanishing, like a marginal existence, and the rest simply didn't exist at that moment. It was really impressive the moment when my mind arrived at my breathing, and it was cristal clear how my breath started to exist just when I put my attention to it, when I "painted" it. The pace in which I was changing from part to part was rather fast, but it all felt like a relaxed flow, not a desperate one. This dynamic lasted for a good while, but since I was doing a "do nothing" meditation, when my mind started to think on other stuff (mostly career related), I did not stop it.

My thoughts after that were calm and I even would say "soft". Some images of an idea that I have in mind passed by in form of short scenes, and it was a relaxed creative mood.

[Mondsee]

Day 16

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 10:00 a.m.

Finish time: 10:25 a.m.

Location: Room at my father's appartment

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Today I sat in siddhasana & hands in gyana mudra, as explained by the video @Leo Gura shared recently. I followed every step, including starting the meditation with the affirmation "I am as strong as a rock". I did not feel any discomfort whatsoever until the very last minutes in my left foot, which was starting to feel the pressure of my other leg on top a little too much, but it was absolutely bearable.Once again, just as when trying for the first time dharmadhatu-mudra, I was surprised how little effort is needed to keep the hands on gyana mudra. I thought I'd have to use force, but at some point I even stopped feeling my hands as if they had found again their default position.

After the affirmations, I suddenly realized I cannot let my mind free and go wherever it wants to go, because that is something I don't decide, and what actually happens all the time anyways. After some random thoughts I asked myself what is a thought? Then I wondered where thoughts are physically, like in which location, and I thought that that space where thoughts are is exactly what I need to identify. While I was thinking that I felt some light as if the sun had come out (maybe it did) and I could sense it through my closed eye lids, and also an inner sound that I should define as a vibration.

I heard at some point the sound of a drop, and I asked in my mind "what is that?" then, I kept repeating the question until it became just a sound without meaning "warisdat, warisdat, warisdat". That was interesting.

P.S. my commitment of writing an entry for the days I don't meditate isn't working because I never want to make it a fix deciton that I won't do it, I always want to keep the door open in case I actually do. Maybe it'll work better making an entry the next day reporting I didn't meditate the previous day, in case that happens. This week I should have more time. We'll see how it goes.

Edited July 9, 2017 by Mondsee
typo

[Mondsee]

Day 17

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 9:10 a.m.

Finish time: 9:30 a.m.

Location: Room at my father's appartment

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I sat again in siddhasana & hands in gyana mudra, I started the meditation with the affirmation "I am as strong as a rock".

I had random thoughts about many things that I have to do both in the short and in the long term. I discovered that my body was quite tense about half way through, and it started relaxing after I noticed. My left leg got numb, but I didn't feel that until the time was over.

[Mondsee]

Day 18

 

Days in a row: 3

Start time: 9:00 p.m.

Finish time: 9:30 p.m.

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open and half open at the end

Highlights: Todays meditation was amazing. I adopted the same position as the last days. It was exactly after the sunset, so it started becoming darker and darker gradually. That way everything started losing color and form. The door of the balcony was open and the wind blew in, constantly moving the sheets of the bed and the curtain.

At some point close to the beginning a mosquito bit me on the leg, but I did not move to scratch, although I could feel the urge for a while. In my mind I said, "focus in the now", and then I could hear the eco of "now, now, now" one in every inhale, and one in every exhale. Then my mind adopted a narrative of how I was going to report about that, and it said "this is quite a disciplined meditation for being a 'do nothing' one", and it answered itself in, "oh yeah, I can do whatever I want" that was half said, and half just done. A part of my mind actually thought "no, don't!" but then it started singing "Philadelphia freedom" by Elton John in a vivid way, of course, in my mind.

After the song finished he main verses, it started questioning if the bed could be alive. It was moving so much, and there was no evidence that it wasn't, so was it alive? And then I started feeling less alive than my bed, since I was not moving and my bed was. I felt like I was becoming a rock, and at some point, my right hand didn't belong to me anymore. I tried to extend that same feeling of my hand being just an external object through my body, I wanted to find out what would be left when my whole body started feeling as if it wasn't mine. The feeling extended successfully to my legs and then to my breath. I was fighting to extend it to my vision field, and I almost did, only the top of my head, with my mind in it was left when the alarm went off. At that moment I was so surprised, I wasn't expecting it because I was so focused in noticing how the only thing left being mine was the top of my head with my thoughts in it.

[Mondsee]

Day 18

 

Days in a row: 4

Start time: 11:40 a.m.

Finish time: 12:10 p.m.

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open

Highlights: Sitting in the same posture as the last days, today I tried to focus in one single point, not letting my eye balls move at all. I feel like I did it really good, but I know that for sure that feeling is a trap of me not being sharply aware of when directed my view somewhere else, even just for a few milliseconds. For a while I was visualizing the words that I was thinking as if they were coming from the outside, dictated to my brain, but that didn't last for the entire time. The rest was just random thoughts about different things, including me wanting to end the meditation already because my left leg got numb.

[Mondsee]

Day 19

 

Days in a row: 5

Start time: 3:06 p.m.

Finish time: 3:36 p.m.

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open and then closed

Highlights: Same posture as the last days. I started focusing on the same single point as yesterday, not letting my eye balls move at all until my eyes closed. A fly was walking on my legs and arms for a long time and I didn't move to send it away, but at some point it started tickling me and I couldn't help to laugh a bit, it felt as if it was out of my control. My mind was focusing most of the time on the sounds I could hear around me. Some voices coming from the first floor, the hammering from a worker fixing something, some birds, the kids of my neighbors playing, and a machine or a motor sound coming from very far away. At some point a thunderstorm started, that is only the thunders, because it wasn't raining and I could focus on the continuous thunders for a long time. For a do nothing session, I feel that my mind was very controlled, because it didn't lost focus by itself for most of the time.

[Mondsee]

Day 20

(Report from Friday the 14th)

Days in a row: 6

Start time: ?

Finish time: ?

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique:

Eyes: closed

Highlights: On Friday my yoga practice was a guided meditation focusing on gratitude. I remember I identified very clearly the gratitude feeling in my chest and my arms. That was interesting. I can't remember many more details.

Day 21

(Report from Sunday the 16th)

Days in a row: 1

Start time: ?

Finish time: ?

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: 

Eyes: closed

Highlights: On Sunday my yoga practice included a short meditation again (at min. 40:00 more or less) I felt similar as on Friday identifying the location of my feelings in my body.

Day 22

(Report from Monday the 17th)

Days in a row: 2

Start time: ? (noonish)

Finish time: 10 mins after

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Mindfulness meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: Usually I meditate after doing yoga, that means that I have a comfortable outfit on, but yesterday I sat crosslegged to meditate after getting ready to go out, so I was wearing jeans. It only lasted 10 min, but it feel much longer than that and I was feeling quite inpatient towards the end. I decided to make the most out of the short time, I would do a mindfulness meditation on my breath only. I started doing so, but at some point, a fly walking on my hands was drawing my attention more, so I changed my focus subject to that. Once again, my lower back started itching, and that was a more salient stimuli, so I changed for a third time my focus to that. I didn't feel like I got very deep in contemplating the things I was focusing on, and in general, it wasn't a very high quality meditation.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Mondsee
correction on the day counter

[Mondsee]

Day 23

 

Days in a row: 3

Start time: 10:10 a.m.

Finish time: 10:40 a.m.

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I started dedicating a moment to connect with my breath and relax my body. Then, some uncomfortable thoughts about the past arose, and I felt my mind trying to resist them, so I focused in recognizing how it wasn't me who was thinking those thoughts. That was followed by a short moment of quietness, where some random images would suddenly appear (for example a bike or a schnauzer dog). The rest of the time, my mind went into story mode, thinking about how my perfect partner would be. I didn't feel any physical discomfort whatsoever, and the session definitely felt much shorter than 30 min.

[Mondsee]

Day 24 and 25

 

Days in a row: ?

Start time: ?

Finish time: ?

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: ?

Highlights: I only meditated twice during the last 5 days but forgot to report about it. I can't recall a lot other than in one of them I had many thoughts about sex and the other days there were mostly career related thoughts, including a very good idea that I might consider doing.

Edited July 24, 2017 by Mondsee

[Mondsee]

Day 26

 

Days in a row: 1

Start time: 10:10 a.m.

Finish time: 10:35 a.m.

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing & mindfulness meditation

Eyes: closed

Highlights: I started the meditation with the intention to use the "do nothing technique", but what my mind freely decided to do, as I was not controlling it, was a mindfulness meditation. I could hear the birds sing, an airplane, some cars, voices and the sound of a chainsaw (probably coming from the neighbors' house) and my mind would repeat to itself "listen, listen, listen, listen". Additional to that, I was becoming very mindful to the fact that all that there existed in that moment, were the things that I was being mindful of. All the rest were thoughts and memories. When I heard the birds, I was barely starting to be able to just hear the birds, without imagining simultaneously the image of my garden outside, but I knew, and I could recognize that even if I did think about my garden, and it felt very real, that was no more than a thought.

[Mondsee]

Day 27

 

Days in a row: 2

Start time: 11:10 a.m.

Finish time: 11:40 a.m.

Location: My room at my parent's house

Technique: Do nothing

Eyes: open

Highlights: My mind tried repeatedly to understand not only logically, but really how what was in my view field actually existed, and all the rest was only in my imagination. It didn't quite work, and my mind started wandering all over the place, thinking about friends, my ex-boyfriends, my to-do things and other stuff. My left leg got numb quite soon, and many of my thoughts were dedicated to that, and I couldn't help to shake my head when a fly flew very close to my ear.