What To Do When Friends Can't Handle Your Observations?

[Violet]

I think I was always pretty honest and frank before but ever since embarking on a spiritual path, I find it harder and harder to keep quiet when my friends asks me for my opinion. Someone would tell me about their relationship problems, or money problems, or general career problems, and I can't help but get so emotional. and probably aggressive, when asked for my opinion because I have been there, I care too much and my need to control for outcomes. However, most people haven't really appreciated this kind of insight and I can see how it becomes criticism in their eyes. I have gotten a general feedback that while they appreciate the insight, they don't like the fact that I pointed it out to them. I find I can tolerate less and less of behaviours in my friends such as making excuses, and complaining without action. I have inner work to do in this area but I was wondering how I can think and act differently so I have more inner peace and less riled/annoyed by these interactions? 

Many thanks for your input!

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Violet I assumed you posted this because you watched Leo's new loneliness video...but assumptions are shitty...so, in case you haven't, the beginning of the video talks about this...as an INFJ personality type myself, I have always had this habit of observing things people do not wish to have seen by others on the surface...so, I can relate...here are some things I've discovered:

1. You mentioned control...you can only control yourself/ your own life...others can wallow is shit, like a chimpy-pig, if they choose...

2. The aggressiveness you spoke of...it's your truth...and you like to be blunt....I get it....sometimes people really need a wake-up call (like someone that's been burning their face with cigarette butts, and never looking in the mirror)...it's my take, that it's ok to hold up that mirror...but only if it's done with love and compassion (others on the forum will disagree and say "lead by example only")....that type of compassion will take discipline, and a full embrace of love, but... we can learn... maybe ask if they want your advice, then maybe word it in the form of a question..."would you consider"?...rather than "you need to fucking _______, for fuck sakes"...lol....

3. RE: Tolerating chimpish behaviour...it seems to be a stage in actualization for many of us....as you transcend more behaviours yourself, they become more obvious and disturbing in others....Leo's new video says spending more time in solitude is the way, plus other things like that (see video)....personally, I find that on the rare occasions I can find some more likeminded/ conscious souls to hang with, there's less chimpy stuff to advise on, fret about, deal with...it's awesome!

[alyra]

On 5/22/2017 at 11:03 PM, Violet said:

 honest and frank

all things spoken are incomplete falsehoods regarding what they attempt to convey. (note there is no reason to go into True existence of reality to discover this)

let's say that a person claims that a certain animal with long ears and fur is a rabbit. does it live? what color is it? how old is it? etc. there are infinite descriptions which could be said about the rabbit, which leaves details in the dark. and without clarifying them, we are both dishonest to anyone who would assume something counter, such as imagining rabbits are white when ours is brown and sandy-colored, or imagining it is a stuffed bunny when it is actually alive but still. it'll move and they'll jump in fear!

 

we cannot be truly frank without taking the time to describe every detail about something, in fact to a point where our explanations require explanations! and we cannot be fully honest because any shortcut thereof for the sake of efficiency and sanity, will imply falsehoods about our statement that some listeners we become confused about.

 

the way to continue to be honest and frank is to notice that honesty is speaking to as much truth as one can imagine in a reasonable enough time to express it, and to be frank is to speak it in a clear and efficient manner even if that is unsettling. but we are cautious because we don't want it to be too unsettling - we want it to be received, not rejected.

 

we want to find words which speaks to our topic in a way that helps to understand it as we see it. Which our audience can hear and accept efficiently, without too much unsettlement, if it does unsettle them. to do this there is always a way. try to find ways to express the topics without delving into the complex realizations that are difficult to understand, or to express those concepts in a way that the audience can understand it. for example if I speak to a religious person who despises Buddhism, instead of telling them about meditation and looking inward, I tell them about prayer and looking to God. If I speak to an atheist about the Truth of god in all of existence, instead of saying that, I say that all things are existent. or something along those lines. nothing that we say are perfect captures of our meaning. so finding ways to express it is challenging, as a person without the requisite context will misunderstand, and could even become frustrated or angry.

Edited May 24, 2017 by alyra

[Pallero]

@Violet It's hard, I can relate. One thing popped into my mind though.

Are you sure that you're speaking the truth or giving good advice to your friends? Because it sounds kind of like you're seeing your own inner demons in their behavior and having a hard time to accept them. Accept yourself that is.

You said yourself that you know that you have inner work to do in this area. I agree. I wouldn't worry about other people too much. I would look inside and shine light on those wounds that need healing.

When the wounds have been healed, the aggression and the controlling and the urges will just melt away. You will accept that people are where they are and their struggles are real and difficult to them.

Even though I still think I know better sometimes, I have also sort of seen that giving advice to other people is really really really almost impossibly difficult. All I can do is listen emphatically and make them feel heard, and the best thing I have to say at this point is just "follow your heart".