Infidelity, Keeps Luring Me ..

[Sarah Marie]

@Iulia I can completely relate. I am 25 and have been married for 6 years. We have a son which makes things very difficult. He treats me well also. I noticed that when I start feeling that way (interested in other people) a need is not being met for me. I would urge you to search within to see what type of void men are filling for you. I can tell you I am not the same person my husband married, not even close. He has always been amazing and treated me like a queen. This week he "snapped" and literally got so angry I had no idea what was wrong. He finally sat me down and handed me a list (literally 15 pages) of mistakes I've made for the past 6 years and told me he resents me for it. Like what the actual fuck, I've never cheated or been abusive toward him. They were things like " You got mad at me when you were pregnant because I was watching football all Sunday therefore you do not support my hobbies." UM. Yes, because I was pregnant and throwing up, instead of looking for a job you relied on me. Now I find myself and my son away for the weekend. I often feel disconnected from him too, because I am very into education and personal development and he literally won't even carry a conversation about it. Overall, I can say though that because I have worked on myself I've figured out what I was running from. Even just being gone this weekend I feel fine, because I know I'll be just fine either way. I am SO glad I worked on being an individual (financially stable, emotionally stable, etc.) before something like this happened. I still don't know where we are going but I can say that he has deep childhood trauma and emotional issues that if he isn't willing to work out will still cause problems. It gets complicated for me when I think about leaving my son 50% of the time. The best way I can describe it is to imagine if there were no other men in any picture, would you still leave? I'm willing to bet your comfortable enough and would just stay. Get to a place where you decide leaving is best with no other man in the picture and you'll know what to do. 

[Iulia]

@Sarah_Flagg Thank you for your openness. After much introspection i was able to see there's something i'm running away from,i have fear of loneliness and independency... i'm accepting this because of the "confort". I was also thinking too much about his pain and the reaction of other people to our break-up, my parents reaction... I also know all these are just false reasons meant for me to resist change. Do you suggest any ways in which i could fill my void in order to have a more sane relationship in the fluture? Also, i'm not quite sure i understood the last part, about imagining no men when leaving. Do you mean i should see the possibilities for me to grow without needing a man beside me? 

Edited February 21, 2016 by Iulia

[Iulia]

@Trucesea_kr I wrote my story in order to gain better objective perspective to change this. In search of my own strength i'm VERY happy for inspiring you  to acces yours and make the move. Honest congratulation! Hope i'll get there soon..

Edited February 20, 2016 by Iulia

[Blessed81]

I would hand your dude a copy of "how to be a 3% man, winning the heart of the woman of your dreams".  Make sure he reads it, and i bet you he could win you back if he tried.  Even though you dont think so at the moment, he would have to make many changes.  I say this because the book will help him TONS, with you or without you it will change his life for the better.  

[walterwego]

julia,

 

Breaking up and not introducing infidelity was the right thing. I found out recently that my wife of sixteen years of marriage cheated on me 11 years ago.......and was planning to rekindle the affair last year....maybe she did, maybe she didn't.....there were some nasty accusations and denials....we have two kids and feel compelled to work on saving our marriage...

I wish she had left me if she felt the way you describe in this topic before we had our first child.....I feel like my last 16 years was an illusion....everyday I struggle to cope with my new reality.... Leo's videos have helped me tremendously....

I wish my wife were as strong as you and dumped my ass for freedom years ago....

 

Edited February 26, 2016 by walterwego

[Iulia]

Well....

I DID IT. After hours and hours of mindfuck, analysis, introspection...and lack of sleep  i kind of went "i don't care what's next i just can't take another minute living a lie".. and in a moment when he was playing i told him i need to speak to him.

I said "you wanted me to be honest with you...please don't ever guilt yourself or think you should have done better..it's the hardest decision i ever had to make in my life but...i want to be free."

I panicked as he went out of the house saying "i don't want to break anything around here", and it hurt seeing him burst into tears walking down the stairs..

But when he came back, i was talking to my best friend and he said " yeah, talk to that whore, what does she know besides clubbing and having fun"..." go on live your life with your dreamy friends.. why did i met you and wasted 4 years of my life for nothing"...etc.

I know that's all rage.. the problem now, is that neither of us want to go back to living with our parents again.. we also have financial problems, having a rent and credit at the bank, and we're kind of "room colleagues"..until...well i don't know until when.

He asks me once in a while if i need him to buy something.. I told him to eat something cause i can't stand watching him destroy himself because of me.. and that's kind of how it is now. I feared that if he would make me promises and beg me for another chance i will accept... because honestly don't know where to go now and what to do next,but..

I just can't wait for it to be over. I'm so sick of drama.Even though there's so much more to come when our parents and everyone else will find out. Eh...i guess "this too, shall pass" as they say.

Thank you for your interest if you shared your opinion with me. Being open here really gave me power. Your words helped me to stop denial and start self-acceptance..

Really wish all of you the best!

Edited March 3, 2016 by Iulia

[Iulia]

@walterwego I'm really sorry for what happened to you.. I can't say i'm as strong as you think because actually i kissed a guy too, so...

I just wanted to stop being tempted to cheat.. 

I guess the wise thing for you would be to make your best to leave it all behind, because in the end your kids will want you to be happy, and i'm sure you want to be a positive example for them in the long run. Also that's something that's really possible even though right now it's hard to believe.

I wish you all the best, and don't stop looking for that power within, it's there.

 

 

[Guest]

@Iulia He is a weak man and obviously he needs to learn his part and grow stronger. This whole thing benefits him in ways he still cannot realize. Later he will be thankfull and find himself a new, amazing wife and everything will be awesome.

While you, go out and have fun girl, you did your part and now you too can be free.

[Iulia]

@The Son Oh thank you so much.. you really put a big smile and an actual tear of joy in my eyes

I told him i don't want him to see me as his only reason to fight for in life... can't wait for him to be truly happy..

Can't wait for the rest of my life,been missing it a lot, heh.. 

Thank you again.

[MIARIVEL]

@Iulia All I can say is its time to let the husband go. It is not fair on either of you to have a relationship like this to each other. 

I think things are easier said and done and fear sets in and emotions take over. But I honestly feel the moment you start getting feelings for someone else and even making a move (even if its a simple kiss), its time something has to change, weather its you, him, both of you to make things work, or if the feelings aren't there, the passion isn't there. You both need to move on and be happy.

Sure you will still love each other and care but its best  for your future and his to both be happy and have someone that you connect with on a deeper level.

[Argue]

I feel bad for that guy. My opinion... He wasn't laying the pipe right. But yeah... You did what you had to do... If I were you I'd bring a new guy over and show him that you're all about action.  

[reez]

@Sarah_Flagg

Hey Sarah! This sounds like the typical "Nice Guy".

I DO REAAAAAALY recommend you and your husband to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Robert Glover

Do not be mislead by the title, I think this might be what you're looking for, and both of you might get together to an conclusion after it's been read/practiced. Whether this means a divorce or something that might strengthen your marriage I can't tell. 

[FinnishJon]

@Iulia I think you are on the right path for solving your internal conflict.  I had a similar marriage and it went on faaaar too long, for all of which I accept full responsibility.  This video and some others like it really opened my eyes, and maybe it will help you, too...

 

 

 

[Iulia]

Thank you all.

I must update, that although i told him the truth and he accepted it, i'm in a situation in which i cannot ACTUALLY leave because of some financial problems.. i would have to go leave at my parent's in the end who leave in another city near me ( i hate living there 'cause they are old-fashioned and my mom would worry about "leaving him alone" all the time ) .. this would be temporary as i plan on looking for a job and settling in bigger city in the end.

Also, now, even though i cannot leave for good because of lack of money..i consider living there for a few days/weeks.. in order for me to be actually separated and not try to resist again..

Meh

[reez]

5 hours ago, Iulia said:

Thank you all.

I must update, that although i told him the truth and he accepted it, i'm in a situation in which i cannot ACTUALLY leave because of some financial problems.. i would have to go leave at my parent's in the end who leave in another city near me ( i hate living there 'cause they are old-fashioned and my mom would worry about "leaving him alone" all the time ) .. this would be temporary as i plan on looking for a job and settling in bigger city in the end.

Also, now, even though i cannot leave for good because of lack of money..i consider living there for a few days/weeks.. in order for me to be actually separated and not try to resist again..

Meh

Well then this might be the time to prioritize what you wanna do. It probably does not sound fun to live with your parents, but if you both have decided it's for the better that you separate, that's probably what you should do. Unless you have friend(s) who you can live at for a while? That might feel better than going home to your parents. But I don't think you should continue living with him, that might just be as a negative even if you've ended the relationship.

[auzzie]

Iulia,

 

I have a relationship with Susan that on the first day we went out, I said, that if we were to continue,  we play by, no secrets, no lies, no (mental) game playing, I just wondered if perhaps this is helpful for you in your relationship