Infidelity, Keeps Luring Me ..

[Iulia]

Hey everyone.

God,i've been waiting so long to talk to someone about this, and i can't wait for you guys to share opinions with me..

I'll try to make it short, although there are too many important aspects in my marriage that have led me into this point.

I'm 25 years old, and it's my second longest relationship (almost 4 years). Our beginning was pretty steady, not very much of chasing, not very much passion.. we just found some sort of "peace" in one another, felt very comfortable and enjoyed each other so much until we wanted to move in together, after a year.

He was living alone with his mom in a big house, and when we talked about the idea of living together he couldn't picture living his house. Me on the other hand, couldn't picture living there. I told him i don't want to have anything to do with parents, just with him.

Because of the 'thrill' of it and my naiveness, i moved in with him and his mom. My father told us that we "should" officialize the relationship if we're serious about it.. and again, because of my lack of conciousness and brainwashing i did what my father said thinking " oh, i know i love him, and that's all that matters".. and we did a non-religious marriage ceremony. I chose to see it as "my decision" and not blaming myself for being influenced by my father, and i don't regret but i also wouldn't go on with the religious ceremony..

After one year and a half, the compromise i have made backfired on me, until the point that i felt unable to live there anymore but didn't have the courage to say it to him because i felt like i was "hurting" him somehow. 

Then i got close to a colleague of mine whom i talked about this, and actually encouraged me to talk to him. I felt so good when talking to this guy, that i ended up kissing him.. lol.

My husband found out and it hadn't been nice... he suffered a lot, i blamed myself .. 

Now, fortunately, we moved in alone 6 months ago. He's great, and in many ways i can say he's the best husband in the world.. but everytime i feel at my best, every summer when i go out.. i feel this need to know someone else, to flirt..

I'm passionate about sports and self-improvement, psychology, and he spends many hours on video games.. and in my foolish ego i'm thinking he 'should' stop doing that and investing more in himself, and that that's one of the reasons i'm attracted to other guys..

He started doing small steps at my encouragement. I have no need to 'control' him, I always discuss and share with him my ideas about why i'm taking care of myself in the hope of "opening his eyes" somehow, in a non-controlling way.

But i'm HORRIFIED by this fucking need of freedom or i don't know what it is, that makes me go talk and get to know better one guy or another..  i even wanted to break up with him once because of this ,and told him and he cried.. 

 It's not happening often but right now i met a guy that is into sports a lot, whom i'm very drawn to.. we never met, but tonight, after my husband left at work,  kissed me sweetly on the forehead telling me how much power he feels because of me everyday... i felt the need to contact that guy... i can't stand myself anymore... instead of doing it i thought about writing about it here...

It's so painful..i'm such a stupid ass.

I even hided my relationship status on fb..i don't flirt there or chase guys but still.. i want to keep it private

He is a great man, supportive, tender...he could be my perfect half if i didn't have this stupid need for "freedom", diversity, or i don't really know what is it and how i can cope with it. I know physical attraction dissapears after a while, and i really wanted to believe i can ignite the fire again, but it's frustrating that i can't as much as i try.. and i don't really know in the end if that would make me "settle". I also thaught this need to seduce and approach other guys is just a mask undearneath i'm hiding another aspects of my life that i'm not feeling good about.. not sure about it. 

I tried talking to him about monogamy, and i told him if he would ever be curious about a woman, i would agree on approaching her.. But he went silent, as he really is the loyal type, he told me he would never ever cheat on me.

BIG THANK YOU if you read this far, this issue has been on my mind for almost two years.. i was thinking about writing to Leo about it but felt like it's a subject too complex to discuss, i didn't manage to cover up all the aspects here neither, and unfortunately i can't afford counseling.

Have you ever been in such a situation? Looking forward from your replies.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2016 by Iulia

[Guest]

Yeah, you "kissed" the other guy right? You are on a safe forum, just say it as is. No one will judge you.

As for your husband, you should leave him and go explore the field. Obviously you made a mistake and settled too early. Don't make him suffer unnecessarely and just end it right there. You will only ruin the relationship and probably him if you cheat on him, and if he is so great as you claim, he deserves better. And you deserve to be free. Being free is your birthright.

Edited February 15, 2016 by The Alchemist

[Iulia]

@The Alchemist Yeah, i KISSED him, i have no intention to hide anything, as for i don't care of other people's judgments, won't help me on this.

I thaught about leaving him and told him this, but also I feel the need to invest more before quitting, I want to try to work it out for i would blame myself if i don't.. in spite of the shits in my head i really feel happy with him. And i still think concentrating on this would eventually remove my curiosities..

Maybe i'm bullshitting myself, and after a while i'll have the courage to let him go, or maybe i end up realising i worked it out.. don't know

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Iulia said:

@The Alchemist Yeah, i KISSED him, i have no intention to hide anything, as for i don't care of other people's judgments, won't help me on this.

I thaught about leaving him and told him this, but also I feel the need to invest more before quitting, I want to try to work it out for i would blame myself if i don't.. in spite of the shits in my head i really feel happy with him. And i still think concentrating on this would eventually remove my curiosities..

Maybe i'm bullshitting myself, and after a while i'll have the courage to let him go, or maybe i end up realising i worked it out.. don't know

Of course you can try. Maybe you will work things out, but there is something inside of you that seeks expression. Do him a favour and leave him before you sleep with another guy or even kiss him. A healthy relationship cannot be built on this issues, it will crumble and everyone will be hurt. There is no security and no trust possible. 

I don't even know if you should stay with him. The whole relationship is basically based on a lie already. Maybe you must talk to him and express your feelings, tell him the truth. Maybe he will understand

[Iulia]

@The Alchemist I will talk to him about it,definitely.. again.

I wish i could find other ways for my "something" to express..

 We already had a few conversations about this, but he thaught/hoped it's nothing serious and i will get over it.

But i must develop the discussion more.. thank you for your reply and honesty.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Iulia

[kalter000]

@Iulia It's really crazy, that you are married at such a young age! Of course you want to explore the dating field, you want to discover yourself, grow with a suitable partner! it's perfectly understandable.

You are ruining relationship right now, you doesn't even have to cheat on him. You are acting inauthentic towards him, you lie and supress yourself - and he can sense it all. I'd say it's already ruined and you have to move on. You are attached to him because you doesn't know any better, and from your words, he is this sweet sensitive soul, playing games all day- those are not ideal partners.

Leo says, that life is emotional irrational game. You like him in your mind, but in your heart you are seeking freedom guys, that will make you feel fresh and rejuvenated. Heart always right.

Do your husband a favor and let him grow as a man - by abandoning him. His pain is necessary for him to become better person, psychologically mature. It might be selfish, but your life and well being is much more important than sustaining his comfort zone.

Make a hard but right choice.

[Iulia]

@kalter000 The possibility of abandoning him breaks my heart.. and literally bring me to tears.. i'm either too coward to do it, or i guess i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do right now.

I still somehow think i could find a way to work things out.. otherwise i'll blame myself for it.. he talks about developing his business "some day" and tells me he's excited for our future..

Don't really know how to find the "certainty" of a right decision.. 

And yeah, i have been and currently am attracted to freedom guys

[kalter000]

1 minute ago, Iulia said:

I still somehow think i could find a way to work things out.. otherwise i'll blame myself for it.. he talks about developing his business "some day" and tells me he's excited for our future..

There is no use in blaming yourself. Life is always moving forward and things are constantly changing. Four years ago you did what you thought the best. Circumstances have changed, you've grown, your partner haven't. And it's fine. You should let go of the past and I understand how difficult it is... 

Teal Swan in one of her videos says, that we should love our partners for what they are right now, not what they promise to be. And this is true. What if nothing will change? You will have a grudge on your spouse for your irresponsibility and wasted years? C'mon.

Of course it's your choice, but things are crystal clear for me... 

[Steve The Great]

I agree with all the reply's so far. The longer you wait, the more pain you will cause each other. Unless you can truly commit and really want to commit, then it's best to break it off and start the healing process. Suffering just so he suffers less in the short term isn't going to help either of you. Live your life!

[Trucesea_kr]

I can relate, I'm in the same situation but progressed because I keep trying to force it to work. I never got married but the relationship is so parallel to what you describe. We did the same kind of thing, just fell together, lived with my mom awhile, broke up, got my own place tgen he moved in and we got together again, things were better for awhile but I still wanted more.  We went through a lot of tragedy together and have been together five almost six years. We started when we were both too young. I have developed a lot but he is stagnant now and my attraction to him has faded as well.  I keep telling myself that we can both grow together but his idea for the future is much more narrow than my own. I have strayed and we have broken it off many times. He is so devoted and so loving, kind and caring and he does his best but its not enough. I broke it off and felt so alone and got him back, afraid that I am throwing away something too valuable and I commit to working things out but its not truth. I still am not attracted and I still dont love him the same way he loves me. Its not fair to him. I am struggling so hard right now because I keep getting seduced into the idea of comfort with him, that he can serve my short term needs now and he loves me unconditionally so it's easy to let him. I keep giving him false hope. It's wrong and I need to let him go. 

[Midlife Crisis]

It is a hard decision to make either way but sometimes ripping the band aid off is best and will lead him to become enlightened on a life purpose other than video games etc. And it will certainly allow you to go out and make your own new life with your new freedom. You have your life to live so go live it.

[Avi]

@Iulia I know this is probably a hard time for you but realize the truth in this situation. You have the ability to change for the better. 

[MonikaBcn]

13 hours ago, Iulia said:

@kalter000 The possibility of abandoning him breaks my heart.. and literally bring me to tears.. i'm either too coward to do it, or i guess i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do right now

you are lying to yourself. you've been thinking about this for 2 years. you know what you want and you know what to do. it's just painfull and scary I know. you will feel guilty as hell, you will feel like shit, you will cry and he will cry 10 times more. but in the end you know it's a good decision and in the end you know it will be for the best - for both of you.

you deserve better and so does he. it's not like it will be a total surprise for him. and also, if he loves you really he will want what's best for you. even if he says the opposite - it's just a reaction to pain, nothing more. but you know all this.

Be brave, you can do it!

Edited February 16, 2016 by MonikaBcn

[Iulia]

I want to thank you guys for your honesty, your replies were the "cold shower" that i needed in order to confront the truth and not find excuses.. though i'm still not done confronting it, and i must start acting upon it.

I felt the need to accept it mentally in order to find the courage to do it, but..

Since i wrote i kind of entered into a 'analysis paralysis' state in which i overthink it, i feel scared everytime i imagine starting the discussion and seeing him cry.. i know i'm egotistical, i should think about the fact that i'm actually "saving" him, doing both of us a favour, instead i just numb thinking about it.

The next day when i wanted to talk to him he bought me flowers, making it easy for me to postpone again..

He sensed something wrong before this, but told me " i'm not asking you because i don't wanna get sick again" .. lol. I know it's stupid and we're both avoiding the elefant in the room. He's buying flowers and tells me video-games are a way to 'escape' boredom and enjoy the landscapes in there, that he'll go to the gym.. He thinks he can "save" this by doing stuff and i must try to make him understand it's nothing he can do, that i just wanna be free.. On the other hand i'm aware this isn't about him, and even if he couldn't GET IT now, but he will eventually...as i will too..

I watched Leo's videos about "how to overcome fear", "bad relationships". "how to deal with a break-up", in order to shift my negative thoughts and see the posivites too, hoping that would inspire me to act. And yes, i enjoy thinking about the possibilities of the future and advantages which could come out of this,but..i'm still numb and scared.

Fuck it.

I know i'm victimizing and it's not helping. This thinking keeps me blocked, that because of it i cannot act, and the fact that i see myself weak. I should just let the words fly out of my mouth, and take a leap of faith. I wish i could JUST DO IT.

I've decided to keep up writing here about how i progress, in order to raise my awareness and maybe inspire someone who reads it and knows what i'm saying. 

I really want t some of these days to finally write

" I DID IT. It's depressing, but eliberating at the same time.Thank you guys for hepling me open my eyes. I can now grow stronger."

 

 

Edited February 19, 2016 by Iulia

[Iulia]

@The Alchemist I thought about that "something inside me that seeks expression" that you mentioned.

It sounds deep and true.

I tricked myself into thinking i could find another way of 'expressing' myself into the relationship, but i always end up wanting to be free.. maybe that's the very thing that i must express and i've just been fighting against it.

[Iulia]

@MonikaBcn Your words were just perfect. Thank you

[Iulia]

On 2/15/2016 at 0:22 AM, Trucesea_kr said:

 I have developed a lot but he is stagnant now and my attraction to him has faded as well. He is so devoted and so loving, kind and caring and he does his best but its not enough. I broke it off and felt so alone and got him back, afraid that I am throwing away something too valuable and I commit to working things out but its not truth. I still am not attracted and I still dont love him the same way he loves me. Its not fair to him. I am struggling so hard right now because I keep getting seduced into the idea of comfort with him, that he can serve my short term needs now and he loves me unconditionally so it's easy to let him. I keep giving him false hope. It's wrong and I need to let him go. 

 

In which ways do you consider yourself more evolved than him? Do you really think there's something he could do in order to be 'enough'? Because i've come to the realisation that i feel the way i feel because i cannot simply accept the way i am and that wanting something else is perfectly fine.. in both of our cases we haven't had much experience so in time we learned what we would, or wouldn't like it to be like..

Maybe you should try to think about fulfilling your "needs" yourself, otherwise in the next relationship you'll still be wanting something from that guy. I don't know if you watched Leo's vid about "bad relationships". It's been hard for me to recognise i'm in a co-dependent relationship but I also understand where some of my fears come from now. Maybe it will help you too

 

 

[Trucesea_kr]

2 hours ago, Iulia said:

 

In which ways do you consider yourself more evolved than him? Do you really think there's something he could do in order to be 'enough'? Because i've come to the realisation that i feel the way i feel because i cannot simply accept the way i am and that wanting something else is perfectly fine.. in both of our cases we haven't had much experience so in time we learned what we would, or wouldn't like it to be like..

Maybe you should try to think about fulfilling your "needs" yourself, otherwise in the next relationship you'll still be wanting something from that guy. I don't know if you watched Leo's vid about "bad relationships". It's been hard for me to recognise i'm in a co-dependent relationship but I also understand where some of my fears come from now. Maybe it will help you too

 

 

Im not more evolved than he, I just want to be. He is 100 percent passive and never analyzes his own behaviors, has no self awareness.

He doesn't desire more, he is content to never move forward whatsoever. He is also a very serious alcoholic, cycling between DTs, sobriety then relapse more times than I can remember. 

I know better, and I know no one se can fulfill my needs but I have a hard time making real lasting changes in behavior. I just have the attitude that I won't give up and I know my potential is greater than the life I lead.

In fact since this posting my furst comment I have discussed all of this with him and we have ended things. He still doesnt understand but I think he is at least to a point where he realizes theres more going on than what he had perceived before. I know the potential is there for him to make more with his life but he never will if it's just for me, he has to actually want it and have his own vision.

[kalter000]

3 hours ago, Iulia said:

I've decided to keep up writing here about how i progress, in order to raise my awareness and maybe inspire someone who reads it and knows what i'm saying.

That's cool, but PLEASE make sure you're not procrastinating, trying to postpone the inevitable. Resistance comes in different ways.

[MonikaBcn]

16 hours ago, Iulia said:

@MonikaBcn Your words were just perfect. Thank you

At your service  I've been through this many times. I know how terrible it is to break up with a person who would do anything for you. He loves you so much and you are rejecting it. The guilt is horrible. You feel like the worst person ever. But it passes away. I am now good friends with almost all my exes. It wasnt the end of the world for them. Maybe it seemed like that at first, but everyone moves on. 

The break up and what will happen after is 20 times worse in your head than how it will actually be in reality. If you love and respect each other, the outcome cannot be bad. again, you know it's good for both of you.

Don't wait, the sooner you do it, the sooner both of you will recover.

Other advice I can give you is: be carefull with your next relationships. Be conscious on who you date, to avoid this kind of situation in the future.

Good luck and it will all be fine