Am I Close To An Awakening?

[nightrider1435]

Am I close to having a awakening experience? I'm in a doubt because I think I've had two near breakthroughs, but I was under the influence of marijuana for one, and MDMA for the other. I'm not sure if these really count because I wasn't sober, but what I saw I will never forget.

So I've been smoking much less than I have before after being a heavy user for quite some time. I didn't smoke for a period of five days, but the self was craving a toke bad so fuck it, just smoke and remain mindful. So after I finished smoking I began to notice waves of paranoia set in, like the kind of paranoia you experience when you first start smoking. I went in my room and began to mediate while listening to binaural beats. It felt like I had a vibrating string going from one ear to the other, it then spread to my legs and arms. I could feel this vibration go down my whole body and it was intense! During all this with my eyes closed it seemed like my awareness was this ball of light with the field of body/mind being wrapped around it in a full 360. All of this became a bit uncomfortable, I ended up taking my headphones out, but I continued to mediate in silence. My self image seemed like it was starting to slip away, my heart was beating so fast that it really felt like I was going to die. I tried to surrender but the voice in my head convinced me that I was actually going to die and never come back so I pulled back. 

I had a experience similar to the one above when I was mediating while on MDMA. All the tension in my body and breathe were completely gone. I have never experienced breathing this slow and relaxed. My breathes in and out seemed like they could go on for an eternity, especially while breathing out. Breathing out really seemed like it could just go on forever. Again my awareness seemed like a ball of light with all the sensations wrapped around it, like how the planets orbit the sun.  This light would move around a bit here and there and my sensations would be pulled to it like gravity. It seemed like I was detached from everything in my experience but the breathe. The breathe at this point was the only thing keeping me anchored, but again I became to afraid to let it go because then where would I go? The unknown is pretty terrifying from a body/mind perspective.

Would these be near awakenings, or are these just high meditative states? I'm guessing a true awakening would have to come from a still, sober mind.

[Shin]

Can you sense the "isness" of everything ?
Can you be alone all by yourself without needing anything from anyone without feeling lonely ?
Can you detach yourself from your thoughts/ego as you want, or do you still get drown in them most of the time ?
Can you see the futility of thinking for the sake of thinking, or do you still fantasize the future and remember the past quite often ?

Do you feel your body and your thoughts all the time, as extension of your being, or only once at a time ?
Do you have a deep sense of peace within you/equanimity ?
Did you stop judge others and yourself ?
Do you see life as an another "dream" ?

Are you perfectly fine doing nothing at all for hours ?
Are you still emotionally triggered when people talk about rape/murder or genocide ?
Are you starting to feel your "soul"'s reflection in animals/humans eyes, even nature/inanimate objects ?
Are you content with what you have now, or do you think you need more to finally be happy/enlightened ?

If you've genuinely answered yes to all these questions, maybe you are.

Edited May 22, 2017 by Shin

[nightrider1435]

@Shin

20 hours ago, Shin said:

Can you sense the "isness" of everything ?

Yes, everything simply just is, and being ok with "isness" seems to get easier everyday.

20 hours ago, Shin said:

Can you be alone all by yourself without needing anything from anyone without feeling lonely ?

I've been an introvert my whole life so I have always been comfortable with just being by myself. I've never had that many friends growing up and I use to beat myself up over it but after being on this journey I realize that I couldn't deal with fake people, true best friends are hard to come by. Being alone for long periods can still be painful though but it is getting easier.  I'm in a pretty lonely phase in life right now, being a 2015 high school graduate, the few close friends that I had went to universities and I ended up just staying back to work. Usually when I'm alone I focus inwards because there is a whole world within that can be explored, and I'm starting to enjoy the process more and more each day.

20 hours ago, Shin said:

Can you detach yourself from your thoughts/ego as you want, or do you still get drown in them most of the time ?

 I can pretty much detach from my thoughts and ego whenever I want now.  Anger has still been the tricky one but my awareness can see right through it, I snap out of it pretty quickly.

21 hours ago, Shin said:

Can you see the futility of thinking for the sake of thinking, or do you still fantasize the future and remember the past quite often ?

I do not fantasize about the past or future as much as I use to, but my mind still wanders off into that sometimes. But now I can see how pointless that is and I can make myself snap into the now whenever the mind starts to wonder off into fantasy land. I try to maintain a healthy balance between my actions and thinking now. I use to be pretty bad about staying in mental masturbation.

21 hours ago, Shin said:

Do you feel your body and your thoughts all the time, as extension of your being, or only once at a time ?

 I can see oneness within my experience, especially if I'm moving or driving. I use to only see my body and thoughts one at a time but I'm starting to see them more as a whole instead of being separated.

21 hours ago, Shin said:

Do you have a deep sense of peace within you/equanimity ?

 Yes, more than ever now. Difficult situations are becoming more easier to deal with because I face everything dead on instead of suppressing it in my head.

21 hours ago, Shin said:

Did you stop judge others and yourself ?

I still do this, but I'm aware of it when I do. You know how people tend to judge others while talking in a group, saying " I can't believe he/she did this" or "What was he/she thinking when they did that", yeah I cannot be a apart of conversations like that anymore. No matter what anyone does now its hard for me to judge, I do not think I am better than anyone, no matter what their status in life is. I still tend to judge myself at times but I can stop and ask myself why? What's the point? Why be neurotic about your own self? I'm getting better at just carrying on when this happens, the judgments are still there but there is no meaning attached to it.

21 hours ago, Shin said:

Do you see life as an another "dream" ?

  After taking an acid trip I know that life is basically just a dream. Its just to obvious now to see it the other way around.

21 hours ago, Shin said:

Are you perfectly fine doing nothing at all for hours ?

I'm not sure, just because I've never tried doing straight nothing for hours on end. I am pretty content with just being in the present moment without having anything to do. I can find enjoyment by just staring at the beauty of everything.

23 hours ago, Shin said:

Are you still emotionally triggered when people talk about rape/murder or genocide ?

I just don't see a point in letting myself be emotionally triggered by people anymore. It is what it is. I could either be neurotic, get defensive, but why waste my mental energy? I'd rather just leave it be.

23 hours ago, Shin said:

Are you content with what you have now, or do you think you need more to finally be happy/enlightened ?

 As of right now I think I need more money to be happy, I have been craving success and financial freedom. I've been on a mission to earn more money, big picture understanding is leading the way... I just have to act. I don't think I will stop until I have a million dollars in my bank account, but I'm starting to question my motivations. I like to think having money will fulfill me but deep down I know it won't. I may have everything I need to be happy or maybe I don't, I'm just lost and confused on what I really want out of this life.