Having To 'explain Yourself' To Others

[OnceMore]

I'm having this problem where, when I make a decision about my life, or I'm making some sort of move to take my life in a particular direction, that the people around me don't understand why I'm doing it and they want me to explain myself and my reasoning to them, even if my decision has nothing to do with them and has no impact on them. 

Now pretty much all of the time, I know exactly why I'm making that decision. I know exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing. I know how I'm going to do it. And I know what I'm going to get from taking that decision, and usually the result is a positive one for me. 

But it gets tricky when I decide to do something, and then the people close to me want an explanation. 

This is a problem for me because: They will not understand, as they're not in the same field as me (personal development), so giving an explanation is futile. 

I'll give an easy example: Waking up early. I've decided to wake up super early. This means going to sleep early. I can visualise the long term positive affects this will have on me, for me. This means saying no to going out late at night with people who I'm close to, and go out with regularly.. This means eating at different times in according to my schedule, without the rest of my flatmates because they will eat later on. This means I may not be around as much or we won't spend time the way we used to. ALL OF THIS IS FINE TO ME. I am willing to take the hits and sacrifices to get to the next level. 

Now, when I make this decision to wake up early, they want an explanation. 

I explain them my reasoning. 

They shut me down. Say it's not worth it. 

I (stupidly) try to explain in a more succinct way how this benefits me long term. 

I get shut down.

This happens with almost every decision I make where the impact is visible. 

Now when I'm asked for an explanation, whether from family or flatmates, I say nothing. 

It's easier, but it's also the other extreme to the other response, where I try to explain myself. 

My question to you is: does this also occur for you? And how do you handle it?

I find this to be exhausting. I don't want to explain anymore, because they won't understand and will just want me to return to 'normal', but the other extreme of not saying anything doesn't seem to be the full solution either, especially if the people are close to me. 

 

[electroBeam]

@OnceMore Hey dude I have an amazing solution to your problem:

Give explanations that are:

- not serious

- funny

basically give explanations that give off a post modernist scent to it.

Example:

"Son, why the fuck are you waking up so early for?"

"Mum, I have to confess, I think I'm in love. There's this bird outside, and it chirps at 5am every morning, and I just can't get enough of it"

"What????" (as if you're schizophrenic) 

"Yeah mum, I've been hiding it from you all my life, but I'm into parrots, you know their wings are so sexy"

Mum walks away in shock.

To your friends:

"Dude you never hang out with us late at night anymore"

"I know, I'm such a horrible person. Hopefully the gods will punish me for such a criminal act"

"haha... yeah but seriously, why aren't you hanging out with us anymore"

"Look, the real reason is. Actually its a pretty boring reason, nevermind"

"What is it?? You have to tell me now"

"Well, no its nothing... I'm just afraid of the dark ok"

"haha you're afraid of the dark, what a pussy"

"Yeah I am. But in all seriousness, I just want to wake up early every night. I know it sounds absolutely crazy to you, but I'm weird, you know that, and I just want to keep being my weird self and waking up early. Go have fun though, you don't need me"

EDIT: I sleep sitting down, I meditate for 2 hours every day, I have cold showers, I do a bunch of crazy things, and when my friends and family ask me about it, I just laugh it off and call myself crazy. Works like a charm.

Edited May 21, 2017 by electroBeam

[PetarKa]

@electroBeam Dude your post ENLIGHTENED me! I've been having quite a hard time with other people asking for my reasons. Until now I've been hiding most of the "wierd" stuff, but this has been causing too many problems and stress in my life. I've had to mental gymnastics when I come up with "normal" reasons and it's been quite painful. Will give it a try! ?

[Sprite]

Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you and disregard what other people say to you. Once you've given them your explanation and they shoot you down, then just let it be and do your thing. I understand how it can be exhausting don't feel obligated to. You don't have to go into extensive detail. Let them know that you're doing whatever it is to improve/benefit yourself, and leave it at that. If they ask for more just tell them it's too difficult to explain in a way that would make sense to them. That is the truth isn't it? 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@OnceMore My opinion is that you must determine the reason behind your explanations, are they to clear up a mis-communication, or are you reacting, and being defensive....trying to justify yourself to others?

Example: I had an issue with a couple/ former friends... in that case, their constant need for explanations, constant harsh criticisms based on inaccurate assumptions (stemming from their projections), etc...became a real integrity issue for me. So, I had to give them up as friends. I know who I am, I know my own truth! .....Now, this is not always the case, or necessary....First, do you feel the need to be "defensive" because of their judgement?, or your own?...in other incidents with other people, I have been "defensive" because of self-judgement, and only realized later that I was the one really wanting to "explain" to justify things to myself....explaining is only worthwhile if it can actually help to clear up miscommunication, etc....so, it's really important to be totally self-honest in these situations....Here are some things to think about that might help. Imagine you are about to start "explanations":

1. Do I truly feel they are just misunderstanding me (my choice, etc), that they will get it, if I explain?

2. If I re-word/ explain my choice in a new way, what are the *actual* chances this will clear things up?

3. What is my history with this person, do they ever really "get" my explanations?

4. Why do I want to give an explanation, for me, or for them?

5. How can I respond, simply, and briefly with compassion and positivity, while standing firmly in my integrity?

Edited May 23, 2017 by Epiphany_Inspired

[Dan Arnautu]

@OnceMore That's just homeostasis. When you'll try to change anything, you will encounter resistance. The key is to push past the resistance (either from yourself/family/friends) until you escape it.

Once you do the thing for a long enough time, the results will speak for themselves and you won't need to give explanations to anyone. 

Ex: Let's say your parents see you changing your diet entirely to put on muscle or lose fat. At first, they will try really hard to persuade you to go back to your old eating habits. The key is to push through. Once they see the actual results from that change, they won't say a word. On the contrary, they will ask you to help them do that too.

I had that happen to me, not only with fitness. First they resist you going for the change and then they will beg for your help to show them how to do that too because they start to see the benefits first hand.

[MattP]

Sounds like you are still concerned about what others think of you. If you are trying to better yourself, it is a natural reaction for others to oppose it. Unfortunately, for some reason people who are close to you will get jealous when they see you attempting to better your life. Sometimes they will do whatever they can to pull you back down to their level. This sucks, but they will eventually accept the choices you are making to better your life. For the ones who won't, make it clear to them that this is the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, and if you have nothing positive to say, then don't say anything at all. This is tough, especially for family members and those whom are close to you, but if they care about you, they will accept you and your lifestyle.

[alyra]

@OnceMore  it's complex decision to make, that's for sure - the decision on how much to explain, and when to be blunt. "If I get up early I can study in the morning when I feel fresh" vs. "This is just how I do it." "this is what I like" "this is how it is". and sometimes, you need to just listen. "that's an interesting perspective" "maybe you're right, suck it to me if you are lol!" "I wish I could do that" etc. and sometimes, you just say nothing. 

Realize that when someone is speaking of how you should do this or shouldn't care about that, this is them being concerned for you. maybe it is kinda rude that they're short of bossing you around, but hey at least they do it out of love amirite. 

 

I used to get so irritated with my mother. every time I spoke she'd tell me what I should do. I felt like she still sees me as a child. well, she still sees me as her kid and she always will - but anyway. over time, I became more used to her manner of dialogue. I say things differently to her than I would to a peer, because if I say things a certain way she can't help but give advice, but if I say things another certain way she's more likely to listen and not give advice. Especially if I pick and choose which topics to bring up. And likewise, over time I feel as if she's come to notice my disatisfaction, and also come to trust my decisionmaking more, and eventually noticed the growth I've been making - she doesn't look to give advice to me because she's changed too, it hasn't just been me who's changed my habits and assumptions in talking to her. 

 

do you see? it is just a matter of time, you notice something that irritates you. this is the first step of it - next you will change who you are a little, and maybe even find a way to express your irritation in a fair way for your peers to listen to it. and regardless, they will notice you are irritated - we can't help but reveal the subtleties of our emotional response. and they will, in wanting to relate to you, learn to trust you more, learn to talk of what you enjoy, etc. 

[alyra]

and, don't forget to look for opportunity to hang out with them, and opportunities to do something for them. they complain when you don't come to lunch with them, right? they want to hang out! they complain when you are up early? they want some sleep! or maybe are missing you late in the evening! tell them you'll try to be quieter in the morning, or look to hang out with them late evenings on weekends or something. 

 

edit: or find some way to do something for/with them that is outside the scope of their sayings. Buy some pizza one evening for everyone to have, or offer to give them a ride a long distance if you have a car and they don't and they need to go somewhere. come up with an activity you think they'd like to do with you and invite them. 

idk the point is, find ways to be their friend. just looking for how to deal with the clashing directly will inherently involve more stress than any healing you can find, so look for ways independent of the stressors, to have activities with them that bring more togetherness than stress. to balance it out. 

Edited May 24, 2017 by alyra

[Dantas]

I think all posts here are good ideias, but I'd like to add: Remember that growth looks far out to ordinary people and they'll always resist it when you share it. I live alone, but whenever I hang out with my friends & family, for long periods of time, they'll see me as an introverted vegan nerd, even though, in fact I know this is the most helpful "personal development" lifestyle I can work with right now.

I don't think at all about being worried on how others see me, but as I grow, I do develop massive compassion for wanting to share good habits and techiniques with people. One way you could do that is by trying to listen and figure out how to explain these things in a lenguage they understand.

But, as I said here, try doing what they do with them, unless you can't stand it. They'll have a much better time knowing you're building the right habits and being responsible if you're also there for them, every once in a while.